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More Corkmen tomfoolery.

  • 17-11-2004 10:00pm
    #1
    netwhizkid
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,558 ✭✭✭


    Cork Turnips
    Two Corkmen wanted to make some money so they bought a lorryload of turnips at ten cents each. They sold the turnips at ten cents each and when they counted the proceeds they were amazed to find that they had exactly the same amount of money as they started with.
    'See', said the first Corkman to the other, 'I told you we should have bought a bigger lorry'.

    Waiting To Put The Cat Out
    A Corkman was sitting on his front doorstep dressed in pyjamas and dressing gown at three o'clock in the morning when a Guard passed by.
    'What are you doing there?' asked the Guard
    'I'm waiting for the cat to come home, so I can put him out for the night', said the Corkman.

    Explanation
    A Corkman was explaining the mysteries of Science and Telecommunications to his little son. 'The telephone', he told him, 'is like a big dog with his tail in Cork and his head in Dublin When you step on his tail in Cork, he barks in Dublin'.
    "That's a wonderful explanation', said the little boy, 'now explain to me about the radio'
    'The radio is exactly the same, my son', said the Corkman, 'but without the dog'.

    Not Guilty
    During a murder trial in Cork in the nineteenth century there was a sensation when the man who was supposed to have been murdered actually turned up in the courtroom. The judge immediately ordered the jury, consisting of twelve Corkmen, to return a verdict of 'not guilty'. After an hour the jury returned and the foreman announced that they had found the defendant guilty.
    'How on earth could you reach such a verdict', asked the judge, When the supposed murdered man is here in court?' 'Yes, we know that your honour', answered the foreman, 'but we think the defendant is the man who stole my brother's horse two years ago'.

    One Liners

    A new Institute for Advanced Mathematics has just been opened in Cork. Most popular courses are Fractions and Long Division.

    Why has Australia got all the kangaroos and Cork got all the Corkmen?
    Australia had the first choice.

    Have you heard about the Cork grandmother who went on the pill?
    She didn't want to have any more grandchildren.

    Have you heard about the Corkman who thought that manual labour was a Spanish trade union official?

    A Corkman once led from start to finish in the Olympic Marathon. However, he didn't get a medal because it was a false start.

    Did you know that if a Corkman moves to Kerry he decreases the level of intelligence in both counties?

    Have you heard about the Cork pilot who had an accident with his helicopter?
    He thought it was a bit cold so he turned the fan off.

    I've had just about enough', said a Corkman to his wife, 'the only solution is for your mother to leave and find a place of her own'
    'My mother?' screamed his wife, 'I thought she was your mother'

    Have you heard about the Cork explorer who paid €10 for a sheet of sandpaper?
    He thought it was a map of the Sahara Desert.

    A Corkman bought a barometer and took it home but when he hung it up on the wall he found that it registered 'Hurricane'. So he took it back to the shop and complained, whereupon he was immediately given a replacement. When he arrived home he found that his house had been blown away.

    It is notoriously difficult to get an appointment with a certain Cork publisher. A sign on his door says: OFFICE HOURS 2 to 2:15 EVERY OTHER WEDNESDAY

    An old lady asked a Cork tramp why he was dressed in such a miserable collection of rags.
    'It's my unfortunate condition', he told her, 'there isn't a tailor in town who can measure me for a suit, I'm that ticklish'.

    A Corkman who was 4 foot 3 1/2 inches tall once offered his services to a well-known circus. He claimed he was the tallest dwarf in the world.

    Have you heard about the Cork doctor who was treating a patient for jaundice for over three years? He suddenly found out the fellow was Chinese. Worse still, he cured him.

    There once was a Cork medical student who failed all his exams in surgery because he couldn't lance a boil properly. He kept falling off his horse.

    A fellow was giving a Corkman a lift in his car but he didn't know if his indicators were working. So he asked the Corkman to go behind the car and tell him. 'Well', he shouted after a few seconds, 'are they working?' "They are, they aren't, they are, they aren't', shouted the Corkman.

    How can you recognise a superstitious Corkman?
    He won't work during any week with a Friday in it.

    Over the years the best supported flag days in Cork have been those for T.V. sets for the Blind and Radios for the Deaf.

    What do you do if a Corkman throws a grenade at you?
    Take out the pin and throw it back.

    What happens to a girl who goes out with a Corkman for an evening?
    Nothing!

    A Corkman said to his wife:
    "The bank returned the last cheque you wrote."
    Wife: "Great. What can I buy with it this time?

    How did the Cork man burn his knee?
    He was ironing his jeans.

    What's a Cork man's best invention?
    A waterproof tea bag.

    What is a Corkman's latest invention?
    Second-hand toilet paper.

    Another Corkman Invention,
    A glass hammer.

    Regards netwhizkid


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