Heartbroken - lost sister via suicide

LegacyUser

I'm not specifically looking for advice, more a desire to vent my thoughts. Seven weeks ago ( I think) i lose track of time, my sister killed herself, I've read some thread re: suicide, she however, in all appearances seemed the happy person, for about 70 - 80% of her life she was, but there was a deep darkness, we both suffered a similar abuse. I dealt with it in one way, she dealt with it in another way, for along time she hid it, and for her it was the best way, until recently, it caught up with her, and it overwhelmed her. The pain was so great that she decided to kill herself, she attempted earlier in the year, but survived ( it was a serious attempt, none of us knew at the time).

I feel ****ed up and angry, I miss her desperately, she was like a twin sister, even though I annoyed her, and also was not my real self around her, we had a weird bond, I feel angry and abandoned, why couldn't she stick it out, bear the pain, as I do everyday, I fight the ****ing pain, every day I tell/ pretend that I am better than what I feel, but I keep at it, it may be foolhardy but I keep at it. She hid it, her pain, till it got the better of her, and then she killed herself, at times I'd love to just light out of this world, but I can't, I have a son and I can't, but even before he was born, I was too scared to die, however it was to hard for her to live, we differed in that way. She was the best heart I ever knew, she had a prescence and she had a way of lighting up a room and drawing people to her. I miss her, and I ache for her, to those who feel they have no hope, staying alive for your family is no recompanse but at the same time their hearts will be broken. My sister did no wrong, I don't believe she was selfish, I love her, and to love is to let go, but I will always will miss her.

LegacyUser

My sincere sympathy to you over your loss. I have not lost someone like you have but I was also abused. The one thing that I would suggest is that you get councelling. I nearly lost it twice over the abuse so eventually I went for councelling and I kept away as much as possible from my abuser (except when other people were there) though we did get resolution. It really can help.

DrummerBoy

My friend killed herself around the same length of time ago. I have to say that I miss her so much. Even though I didn't really see her in the last while. You've put into words what I feel. I am glad you feel how you do about life. If you ever need someone to listen.........you can pm me if you'd like.

I want to say more but I'm just staring at the screen and can't seem to find suitable words to write. Maybe there just aren't right words.

A.

Ragazza

My heart goes out to you.
You sound like a very brave person, but I know you get tired of being brave.
Stick with it, my thoughts are with you.

Vangelis

Uni, you're allowed to cry. If you repress your sorrow, all of your griefs will accumulate til they cannot be held back anymore. It is better to let it out. Don't be ashamed to cry anywhere or for any reason.

Best wishes to you,
Vangelis

solicitous

My heart goes out to you, and Iam truly sorry you lost your sister.
I expect you find it difficult function properly, but you must heed my advice.
Whatever this 'trauma' is that you and your sister went through, needs to be talked about. Please, please go and see a therapist. You need to process two things now. This trauma, and now the loss of your sister.
I havent lost anyone to suicide, but have a traumatic experience that saw the onset of panic disorder. If you continue to repress all of your emotions, it will eventually have a negative impact one way or the other.
You said it yourself, you sister appeared to be fine, she'd light up a room when she came in... what does this tell you? she was doing the same as you - repressing.
I applaud you for making the first step by coming on, talking about it.
But you do REALLY need to have one on one sessions with a professional.
I study psychology myeslf, so i understand the implications of post traumatic stress and grief. You mightnt feel like it, but please go see someone. x