Tempted

LegacyUser

Ok my problem is this.I've been with my boyfriend for 3 & 1/2 years now and I love him to bits. I am 22 and finished college this year and he is 24 and has been working the last couple of years. He is my first love and I was a virgin when we met. I am finished college and have got my first "proper" job, something I always wanted to do. Everything has gone just the way it was planned and thats just my problem, I feel trapped.I know people reading this will say, oh come on stop complaining, you've got everything you want but please hear me out, happiness isnt that simple I don't think.
My boyfriend is a great guy and it would be hard to find fault with him. Now having entered the working world I feel like I may have missed out a bit on the freedom single people enjoy in college. All the way through college i was with my boyfriend.Sometimes I wonder what another man would be like in bed, like I know this is natural for both of us to wonder but lately I have thought about doing something about it. I have always had plenty of male friends and my boyfriend has never had a problem with it, wasnt threatened by it and he had no reason to be either. There is one guy I met in my final year at college who's really sweet and i'll admit that I am physically attracted to. I had no intention of acting on this at all and I never did. Recently I bumped into him on a girlie night out and we got on great, we danced very close and I was quite aroused but I didnt act on it.
I find that lately I've been thinking about him more than I should be.
As I say I love my boyfriend to bits and I imagine us spending the rest of our lives together, is it possible to just have had one lover your whole life and be fully satisfied? I cant help being attracted to this boy and a part of me wants something to happen.
I know some of you will think im being a bitch, all mature replies would be welcome.

Nuttzz

So what your asking is what is better one intimate relationship or a bunch of one night stands?

Depends on your priorities, by your own admission you have a lovely bloke, but you feel your missing out? How do you know you are? Far away hills look greener and all that.

Question is are you willing to give up what you currently have in the hope that someone better might come along.


Just my 2c

WhiteWashMan

HeadWreckedGirl wrote:

Ok my problem is this.I've been with my boyfriend for 3 & 1/2 years now and I love him to bits. I am 22 and finished college this year and he is 24 and has been working the last couple of years. He is my first love and I was a virgin when we met. I am finished college and have got my first "proper" job, something I always wanted to do. Everything has gone just the way it was planned and thats just my problem, I feel trapped.I know people reading this will say, oh come on stop complaining, you've got everything you want but please hear me out, happiness isnt that simple I don't think.
My boyfriend is a great guy and it would be hard to find fault with him. Now having entered the working world I feel like I may have missed out a bit on the freedom single people enjoy in college. All the way through college i was with my boyfriend.Sometimes I wonder what another man would be like in bed, like I know this is natural for both of us to wonder but lately I have thought about doing something about it. I have always had plenty of male friends and my boyfriend has never had a problem with it, wasnt threatened by it and he had no reason to be either. There is one guy I met in my final year at college who's really sweet and i'll admit that I am physically attracted to. I had no intention of acting on this at all and I never did. Recently I bumped into him on a girlie night out and we got on great, we danced very close and I was quite aroused but I didnt act on it.
I find that lately I've been thinking about him more than I should be.
As I say I love my boyfriend to bits and I imagine us spending the rest of our lives together, is it possible to just have had one lover your whole life and be fully satisfied? I cant help being attracted to this boy and a part of me wants something to happen.
I know some of you will think im being a bitch, all mature replies would be welcome.

just becuase you are in a relationship does not mean that you never think of anyone again.
if you see someone hot, what are you supposed to do?

its natural for people to get a little excited about other people sometimes, hell, its why porn is so popular!

although, i suspect you are probably thinking of this bloke in a purely sexual nature, i wouldnt tell your boyfriend.
if you are actually thinking what a great husband and father he would be, then you may be in a little bit of trouble.

why not just get hot and bothered and then go home and have much fun with your boyfriend?

or is there something else that needs to be told?

JC 2K3

I don't know how he'd take it(although it's likely that he could be feeling the same way as you), but maybe suggest you guys take a break from each other for a few months, you'll probably start to miss him immensly and you could be even stronger when you get back together, but you'll have had the chance to be single for a while.

The Clown Man

I had the exact same thing as you are having now. Was in a relationship for 5 years and just HAD to get out of it. Nothing to do with the GF but I just had to go out ant live a little before it was gone.

I went ahead and broke up with a girl I absolutely loved and we both got seriously hurt. Very hard 6 months. But I got out and was single. And felt so relieved and free about it.

That was 3 years ago now and although it was by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do I still think it was one of the wisest things I've ever done. I would have resented my GF and cheated eventually. My GF had done absolutely nothing wrong - in fact I'd say that she was perfect for me - but I will never get back with her because of the hurt of the breakup. However, I'm far more comfortable about getting into a long term relationship now as I have got the itch out of my system and I can trust myself again.

Don't expect it to be easy but you already know where you are going with this. For me it just HAD to be done and it sounds like it is the same for you.

It's very hard to do but for me it was the best thing I've ever done and I've never looked back. If you go ahead with it best of luck cause you are in for a very hard few months.

seamus

I reckon this is probably a period of confusion that crops up in some relationships, particularly "first loves" or relationships where people start out suite young.

You find yourself pretty much infatuated with this person, you don't really look at anyone else in the same "God, I just can't contain myself" way as you do them. This can go on for a good while, a couple of years even, and it's great. Then you find yourself normalising again. There's no doubt you still love your partner, but now you find other John/Jane Soaps on the street sometimes get you hot and bothered, and you imagine jumping into bed with them.
And you panic. You don't know how to deal with this - does it mean that you don't love your partner any more, or does it mean that you're yearning for something new? And how do you deal with it? You feel like you're betraying your partner by finding other people hot, yet you can't control yourself.

But it's nothing. People who spend their younger/college years jumping in and out of relationships/beds don't get this when they build an established relationship later on. They already know that everyone finds other people attractive. It's perhaps a form of emotional innocence - much in the same way as a young teenage boy feels weird and perverted when he first sneaks a look at porn mags, but he can't stop himself, and eventually he realises it's normal.

megachick

EVERYONE looks, even if they are in a relationship.Its human nature.It would actually be wrong if you werent attracted to other people. Big thing tho is how good your sex life is at the moment, are you happy with it? Cheating just leaves you with guilt and you will never be glad of the experience of getting it on with this other guy.And worried if you stay with your boyfriend of him finding out.

Sifo

Who knows what'l happen if you take a risk like that...

Is it worth it? you could end up alone etc?

on the other hand you could fall head over heels for some other guy in such a way that you never look back!!!

MF2HD

I think as the others have said its a symptom of a long relationship. The other guy looks a more exciting prospect because its new and fresh. Why not try to liven things up with the current boy for a while and then see how you feel?

xzanti

JC 2K3 wrote:

I don't know how he'd take it(although it's likely that he could be feeling the same way as you), but maybe suggest you guys take a break from each other for a few months, you'll probably start to miss him immensly and you could be even stronger when you get back together, but you'll have had the chance to be single for a while.

That sounds like a fantastic idea to me... The only problem there however is you might miss him immensly and he wont take you back.. You'll have to assess the risks I suppose, you sound like you could do with a break tho.. good luck

Vangelis

HeadWreckedGirl wrote:

As I say I love my boyfriend to bits

Who are you trying to fool?
No, you don't know what love is.

LegacyUser

WhiteWashMan wrote:

just becuase you are in a relationship does not mean that you never think of anyone again.
if you see someone hot, what are you supposed to do?

its natural for people to get a little excited about other people sometimes, hell, its why porn is so popular!

although, i suspect you are probably thinking of this bloke in a purely sexual nature, i wouldnt tell your boyfriend.
if you are actually thinking what a great husband and father he would be, then you may be in a little bit of trouble.

why not just get hot and bothered and then go home and have much fun with your boyfriend?

or is there something else that needs to be told?

Mr. Whitewashman if im being honest with myself I suppose I developed what you could call a crush on this guy, like I dunno, is that ok? I certainly havent thought what a great husband or father he would be! But yeah I suppose I have other feelings for him other than just being purely sexual.
But my question is, is this ok? I mean I never acted on it and while he has entered my thoughts from time to time I tell myself its like a teenage crush or something?
Does this make sense?

Hugh Hefner

HeadWreckedGirl wrote:

But yeah I suppose I have other feelings for him other than just being purely sexual.
But my question is, is this ok?

Are feelings okay? I tend to think they are. Unless you act on them then I wouldn't let it get you down.

AllMessedUp

My ex girlfriend ended our relationship over similar circumstances. We were both in love through college for about the same period of time as your relationship. She got her first "proper job", met new people and she ended it after 2 months of being away. To say my heart broke is an understatement. maybe we smothered ourselves a little, but everyday since (4/5 months now) I think of her, havent gotten over it at all. It really hurts. We dont speak for reasons I dont know(both said and did stupid things after relationship, i think its easier for her to forget me fully) , nothing went wrong in our relationship, se just felt we were falling out of love(got the line "I love you bit Im not in love with you") and she was missing out.

Im still in bits, especially over why we broke up and how we broke up. I hate admitting it but I'll always love her (First love,first person i cared about,she too was a virgin). I remember the holidays, the calls/texts, the care/love, the companionship (we were bestmates), the love letters (still have them) her family, my family loveing her, and everytime we had sex it was more than fun. I could go on forever about it. Its a heartbreaker of a story.

Just remember all that, talk to your fella, take a break if you have to. But remember if you built a strong caring relationship it might be a big thing to lose. You could regret it...but either way you have to talk to him. Its the only way to solve it.

I wish my ex and I tried to sort it out, and I hope you do

AllMessedUp

The Clown Man wrote:

you are in for a very hard few months.

VERY VERY VERY HARD few months.

jimmycrackcorm

A few insights....

* you are very young to settle down - so ask yourself is this it?

* You will always be wondering what it would be like.

* The pain of a break up is actually good in the long run - you learn so much from it and grow as a person.

* There is no such thing as a single love in life. What you feel for your current BF, you would feel again with another person.

The_B_Man

i was like u last year. i went the "break up" route though! still fell a bit messed up over it! i always figured it as more like a break and that we'll get back together in the future. how wrong I was!! A major risk is that ur fella will go off and find someone new and fresh just like wat u imagine this other guy will be like, except u've been buildin him up in ur head so much that you WILL be dissappointed, whereas ur "ex" will be off havin a great time and u'll be jealous as f**k and regret it for a long long time, especially if u were contemplating marriage with ur fella!

if ur smothered, theres limited options (finish it, break, cheat), however, if ur very happy, not just a decent amount of happy, but very happy, then stay with him and accept u wont be wit another man. anything worth having doesnt come easy. think about it...

AllMessedUp

all i can say to you is you should talk it through with him, no matter what happens or no matter how you feel he needs to know, trust me. I thought things with my old girl where a-ok but moving away played on her doubts and I suppose she had to make a decision. Maybe it is true that you can love again, start again with someone else but its also true you can be happy with one person. serious thinking on your part still needed. I wish my ex had that chat over cofee thing with me, probably wasnt meant to be...but maybe you and your fella are.

My story and yours are very similar, and believe me even though she fell out of love with me(or what ever her reasons were) she is not happy at how we broke up,and niether am I. So if you are heading down that road proceed with caution

Smiley :)

the suggestion to go on a break is a good idea. i was going through similar circumstances last year and i had a chat with my bf and we decided to go on a 3 month break.
it worked really well for us because we got to see what we "were missing" and got a taste of single life. but we missed each other so much during the 3 months that when we got back together we were stronger and closer than ever.
going on a break could give you a wake up call and make you realise how much you love and appriciate your bf. on the other hand it mightnt work out as well for other people, you may find someone else, he could to etc etc.
but to be honest, going on a break was probably the best thing i ever did. i got to see what i was missing, (it wasnt all that great btw) and i think if we hadnt gone on a break we would have ended up resenting each other and either cheating or breaking up.
just go for it, it may work out it may not but its not the end of the world.

chump

Going on a break for a set period is all well and good if you both are happy and confident to let the person you are apparently in love with go out and "play" with the other boys/girls for a few months...

Some people mightn't like the idea that on a particular friday night when they're out with their friends, their on-a-break partner is shacking up with some random Joe and sampling the fruits of the forest.

But then of course you could go on a break with certain rules... and then what's the point?

IMO going on a break for a defined period of time, with partiular rules attached (no boinking for example) defeats the whole purpose. Breaking up on the other hand and going seperate ways is the better option - you might always end up back together in a few months (or years) but there are no rules or limits or guilt or strings...

audge

Vangelis wrote:

Who are you trying to fool?
No, you don't know what love is.

Thats not fair and you know it.

To the OP, i guess its normal to day dream about other guys but I think you should leave it at that.
You love your boyfriend and havent got a bad word to say about him. I have only had one sex partner too, but I would not sacrifice the relationship I have for a bit of playing the field.

If you really do think you have a long term future with your boyfriend then don't entertain thoughts of going of with someone else just to see what it's like.
Enjoy your day dreams, just don't make them realities.


Do me a favour, take 10 minutes and imagine your life without your boyfriend, really think about it, can you see a life without him in it?

You will answer your own questions if you do this.

audge

Sorry, just reading back over some of the posts, and a lot of people are suggesting a break.
Well a break is ok if its to gather your thoughts, really think about what you want from your relationship, but I don't think its ok if its used as a chance for you to sleep with this other guy and not have to feel guilty about it as you weren't going out with your boyfriend at the time.

I dont think you need to go on a break because you have already said you want to stay in your relationship.

Its ok to crush on this other guy, just don't act on it or you could loose your boyfriend over a meaningless one night stand.

AllMessedUp

The whole break thing probably won’t work. It raises a lot of questions. Comparing your situation to mine(And probably others too), it will be a tough ride for both of you, especially your fella. I for one took it really REALLY badly. Theres days when I say to myself "get over it" "move on" etc but its the hardest thing ever to lose someone you loved (and thought at the time still loved you in return) to them not wanting anything to do with you in there life whatsoever. Like I said before you have to discuss it with him, and to be honest I dont think that a break is the answer. I hope to get out of this depressing mess and move on someday without havin to force myself to(think its best to let it out til Im ready) and I hope you can do the same. It will probably come down on him like a ton of bricks when/if you tell him how ya feel but I think you have to. goodluck with it all.

LegacyUser

I was in the same situation. was in a very long term relationship from my early teens. then when I went away to college I felt the same way about a male friend, but I didnt do anything about it. I only saw my boyfriend at weekends and even at that I worked every weekend. Then I started to fantasise about a guy at work, again I didnt do anything about it. 3 years down the road those feelings didnt go away so I acted on them. The break up with my ex was one of the most horribly painful experiences of my life that I never wish to go through as all of my future was based on him. We had made all our plans...naive I know. But just know that, maybe who you think is the one, actually isnt but dont act on pure lust alone as you may regret it.

Setun

I think that your physical attraction to the college lad is probably a by-product of your curiosity of the single-life. I definitely wouldn't act on it.
As for the feeling of loss for your "single college days", I'd say you had a hell of a lot more fun doing more personal and thougtful things with your boyfriend. That relationship you have now is probably more fulfilling and intimate than what could have happened during your college years.
As a few already said, ask yourself do you want to spend the rest of your life with your boyfriend. Forget about fleeting fantasies etc. everyone gets em at some point, just ask yourself that question. Getting the answer is the hard part.

Vangelis

To HeadWrekcedGirl,

I have to say that it is unusual to find a man whom you can really trust. They are few. Switching his safety and the (seemingly) closeness you have to him with some momentaneous fairy-tale is not really a good way. You're lucky to have found a guy you can depend on and feel comfortable with. In the long run. Not many girls do that.

Vangi

omb0wyn5ehpij9

I am going through a very bad situation similiar to this at the moment. Myself and my exgirlfriend weren't getting on well about 8 months ago, we had been going out for close to 3 years. She wanted a break just to clear the air, then we had a chat a few weeks later and i said i didnt want to be in a relationship at the time because i wanted to be single. She had kept telling me that she wanted to get back with me and then about a month ago i asked her to get back with me and she told me she wanted to be single. And i feel horrible, truly horrible. Do not make the same mistake i made and throw away something so important just to meet some random guys, it's not worth it in the long run

LegacyUser

Thank you for the replies, they have been helpful
I guess im just confused at the moment, aswell as being attracted physically to this boy I can also talk to him about anything and I open up with him. I dunno I just wonder sometimes that if I was single he would definitely be my type and we could have a lot of fun together. Then I just tell myself to stop thinking like this and realise what a great thing I have going with my boyfriend and how totally in love we have been. Arrghhh!!! Don't mind me, just all over the place at the moment!

EvilPixieOne

I suppose what you really have to consider is if you could bear to see your boyfriend with another girl, and if a break is worth the risk

Vangelis

HeadWreckedGirl wrote:

Thank you for the replies, they have been helpful
I guess im just confused at the moment, aswell as being attracted physically to this boy I can also talk to him about anything and I open up with him. I dunno I just wonder sometimes that if I was single he would definitely be my type and we could have a lot of fun together. Then I just tell myself to stop thinking like this and realise what a great thing I have going with my boyfriend and how totally in love we have been. Arrghhh!!! Don't mind me, just all over the place at the moment!

It sounds like you're in danger of creating a habit of falling in love and then dumping the guy when you no longer have affectionate feelings for him. This I don't believe will lead to a very happy life, but an range of incomplete and terminated happinesses. Going from one to the other. The in-love-falling does not last forever, people say, but there are things you can do to revive your romantic life and your deep emotions for a partner. How to do this is individual. And it depends on your motivation. But if you're willing to go from one to the other, this doesn't sound like a good life philosophy or a good recipe for securing happiness for that matter, both for your partner and you.

I hope you think about this.

WhiteWashMan

HeadWreckedGirl wrote:

Mr. Whitewashman if im being honest with myself I suppose I developed what you could call a crush on this guy, like I dunno, is that ok? I certainly havent thought what a great husband or father he would be! But yeah I suppose I have other feelings for him other than just being purely sexual.
But my question is, is this ok? I mean I never acted on it and while he has entered my thoughts from time to time I tell myself its like a teenage crush or something?
Does this make sense?

to be honest, not really.

and i'll tell you why.

you say you appear to have developed feelings other than just looking at him and thinking 'cor, id shag him'.
is it ok?
i dont know. only you can answer that. are you able to have a completely loving and healthy relationship with your partner, and he with you if you like someone else, have feelings for them?

id tend to think that there are probably two things here.

1 is that you are really no longer interested in your partner, and are looking for someone else

the second is that you may just feel that you are on the edge where a decision has to be made about the future of your relationship. does it go on, or do you bring it to a higher level?

perhaps you are looking at someone else, thinking that there may be other people out there, and are a little bit nervous about cementing your relationship.

either way, you need to make a decision. i dont think you can have a stable relationship if you are thinkiing about other people like that. its one to think someone is attractive and think about them in a sexual nature, its another entirely to think of him as a companion, a love interest and basically as a possible suitor....

there are issues you need to address. what they are, only you can know, but if you are really not as happy as you want to be in your relationship, and if you are still only in it becuase its comfortable, and you are looking at other people, then i think you should stop wasting your time, and your partners time.
otherwise, get over your crush and get back into your relationship.

ergo

The Clown Man wrote:

I had the exact same thing as you are having now. Was in a relationship for 5 years and just HAD to get out of it. Nothing to do with the GF but I just had to go out ant live a little before it was gone.

I went ahead and broke up with a girl I absolutely loved and we both got seriously hurt. Very hard 6 months. But I got out and was single. And felt so relieved and free about it.

That was 3 years ago now and although it was by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do I still think it was one of the wisest things I've ever done. I would have resented my GF and cheated eventually. My GF had done absolutely nothing wrong - in fact I'd say that she was perfect for me - but I will never get back with her because of the hurt of the breakup. However, I'm far more comfortable about getting into a long term relationship now as I have got the itch out of my system and I can trust myself again.

.

sounds like Clown Man has had almost the exact same experience as I had
however, in may case, a few differences

1. for the last year of the 5 year relationship it was more up and down than ever, some really great times, and some really bad ones

2. I met someone who I was attracted to, maybe similar to OP's case, and importantly, someone I could see myself going out with. Anyway, nothing happened with this girl and she went back home to her own country and nothing was ever going to happen, but I suppose the idea that there might be an alternative maybe unsettled me

3. about 6 months later, when I was due to go away for 2 months for the summer to Switzerland I decided to call a complete break for the summer.

went away, had my fun, played the field and then came back, desperate to get back with my then-gf ;
BUT, she was having none of it. she called it off completely, told me she wanted to "find out who she was" and all this crap, that "the last thing she needed was a bf" etc etc

2 weeks later I see her leaving a bar with some guy, heading off home, together (this was devastating and led to open outpouring of much emotion on the side of the street in the middle of town (after she had gone off mind you) not fun

this guy would turn out to be her 3 year rebound relationship guy

I suppose the message is. beware of "breaks" cos they can backfire

having said that in hindsight, I'm glad she insisted on ending it after the break was over even if it took me a year to get past it and the particular circumstances of her rebound relationship etc did me no favours at the time

because since then I've had a good time, haven't gone mad or anything but got whatever it was out of my system and I suppose I'm a believer in fate and everything happening for a reason

Vangelis wrote:

I have to say that it is unusual to find a man whom you can really trust. They are few. .

I think this is a tad unfair, especially to the many of us guys who have been completely faithful for our long term relationships