Friends lack of effort

LegacyUser

I am not a person with too many friends. Have always had friends but just not many. So I kinda depend on the friends that I have. Maybe too much.

Anyways, I have basically 2 good friends. Recently I have been going through a very rough time. My 2 good friends were very good to me I have to say. (They are both from different parts of my life-they dont know each other per say, but know of each other). So, I am getting very annoyed with one of them, Ill call her Mary (how original!).

I am not sure if she is taking the piss. I know she has her own life-long term boyfriend etc...but lately she is really starting to annoy me.

Take yesterday for example. Id been out friday night. So when she rang I was still in bed. She said we'd go out later and I was like "yep Im definately up for that!" Looking forward to it and all I was.

So got ready. Waiting for her call/text. Nothing. So I text her. Nothing. Basically stood up by my so called friend. Not even a flipping message to say "Oh ive changed my mind" or what ever.

But this isnt the first time she has done this. She has been doing things like this for the past month or so. I have tried to ask her whats going on but she kinda dismisses it. Plus I dont want to sound like im the centre of the universe or anything. i know Im not but this is not reasonable behaviour is it?

I felt so let down-again. She is supposed to be a good friend. I dont know what to do with the situation. I dont be ringing her/texting her all the time. Once/twice a week maybe. But never get replies. I dont have many friends so I think I am taking alot of **** as am afraid to be lonely and friendless.

I feel she knows this and is pulling all the strings (if you know what I mean), making all the decisions. When to met/where to go etc.

If she rings looking to go out, im like "Yes!" straight away. Eager and all that. If I ring or text her, I might not hear from her for a few days!

By the way, I want to make new friends and broaden my social circle anyways. How can this be done? Am in my 20's. (gosh, my post above sounds like something from the playground!).

Even though she has basically ignored me since yesterday, tomorrow she will ring and be looking to do something.

I think she is taking the piss but I dont want to loose her as a friend, just want her to cop on a bit or realise this behaviour aint right.

desperately seeking friends

omb0wyn5ehpij9

I personally would try talk to your friend about this again and if she doesn't talk about it or give you a reason, i would steer clear of her. Friends aren't meant to do things like that and i personally think she is taking the piss a bit

ando

yea, have a chat with her and ask her to reply to your messages. Ignoring someone’s messages is very rude imo. If she continues to do it, dump her she's not a friend if she's treating you like this. Making new friends, well are you in college? Try get into some club that is run by the council that is something you enjoy. Get to know ppl and invite them out for a night on the town or whatever, if you can, keep it local. If you’re not in college look for something that is run once or twice a week, a voluntary club .... Be more outgoing basically and try to initiate conversations instead of just leaving it to chance

Faith

Why are you letting her have all the control in the relationship? If you wanna meet up, you ring her and arrange there and then a time and place. Obviously texting isn't working so stop doing it. There are a lot of people who don't like texting and many of my friends never write back to my texts. It drives me insane but if it's something important, I'll ring them. You say you always readily accept her invitations when she rings- why not pretend you're busy every once in a while? It's obvious she completely takes you for granted and I can't say I blame her. You need to establish some independance for yourself or people will continue to just walk all over you and use you. If she rings tomorrow, ask her straight out and frankly why she didn't get back to you on SAturday. DON'T mention that you got ready to go out and sat around waiting for her. Just tell her it wasn't on, that it's not decent behaviour. Next time she asks you to do something, tell her you're busy.

As for making friends, that's never an easy task. The best thing I can advise you to do is join a club or society, take evening classes or take up a sport. You'll meet people with common interests that way and it'll help you to grow up and become slightly more independant.

jptk

Im pretty much in the same situation, my "good" friends sometimes act like that but I dont chase them when they do. I just dont contact them again, although doing this I would usually just be on my own then so dont do that.
Just talk to her and dont let her dismiss it

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice.

Yes, its true, if you let people walk all over you they will, but sometimes the "weaker" person doesnt see it like that.

She did contact me today about something, and I did tell her the earliest I could get back to her/meet her was end of the week (which is true anyways). So there's something. I also got this explanation as to what happened Saturday night. I dont believe it either!

It is a case of asking someone to jump and they replying "How high?"

Anymore ideas/advice people, let me know. By the end of the week, Ill probably have turned back into a quibbling mess!

And one last thing, to me she is salt of the earth. She really is a nice person. When we do meet up, we have the best craic. Its just the pussyfooting around it that annoys me. Thats why I think this situation deserves to be solved.

the_syco

Next time she wants to go out, and you accept, and she doesn't turn up, go anyway. Have the craic. When she rings, tell her about the craic you had.

The Corinthian

A friend did that to me a few years back. I told him that if he did it again, without warning or consideration he could find a new drinking buddy. When he attempted to apologise and give a feeble excuse I simply told him to talk to the hand. Discussion closed.

He never did it again.

mysterious

My opinion is she is testing your will and friendship, People for all sorts of reasons even if there are thought to be your best friend will test you in all sorts. Most of us at some stage will have experienced this, Its a bitch..
If you jump on the bandwagon and jump to your friends everytime, sometimes it appears to be no explanation to why friends do these things thats annoy us, It leaves a emptiness feeling inside, like you can't be in control etc...
Sometimes they see that you are dependant, they will use it to their advantage, even without carrying it out with that motive and the result will be,
they will lose respect for you and you lose respect for yourself ,no-one is the blame but you, so you have to depend less on just her.

From another perspective people who depend on others can actually scare the other person, in this case like Mary in your case, but she might not so,

this is a classic example over her been in control and your letting it all happen!
If she rings looking to go out, im like "Yes!" straight away. Eager and all that. If I ring or text her, I might not hear from her for a few days!
this is a confidence boost for your friend and if you keep doing this she will keep following through without any regards to how your feeling.
turn the ball court the other way and become more independant!

also I agee with Corinthian!.......its about taking control..

Beruthiel

I wouldn't consider anyone who treated me like that to be a friend.
She clearly has no respect for you.
Do what The Corinthian did, that way she cops on or you loose someone in your life not worth having in the first place.

WhiteWashMan

HelloHello wrote:

I am not a person with too many friends. Have always had friends but just not many. So I kinda depend on the friends that I have. Maybe too much.

Anyways, I have basically 2 good friends. Recently I have been going through a very rough time. My 2 good friends were very good to me I have to say. (They are both from different parts of my life-they dont know each other per say, but know of each other). So, I am getting very annoyed with one of them, Ill call her Mary (how original!).

I am not sure if she is taking the piss. I know she has her own life-long term boyfriend etc...but lately she is really starting to annoy me.

Take yesterday for example. Id been out friday night. So when she rang I was still in bed. She said we'd go out later and I was like "yep Im definately up for that!" Looking forward to it and all I was.

So got ready. Waiting for her call/text. Nothing. So I text her. Nothing. Basically stood up by my so called friend. Not even a flipping message to say "Oh ive changed my mind" or what ever.

But this isnt the first time she has done this. She has been doing things like this for the past month or so. I have tried to ask her whats going on but she kinda dismisses it. Plus I dont want to sound like im the centre of the universe or anything. i know Im not but this is not reasonable behaviour is it?

I felt so let down-again. She is supposed to be a good friend. I dont know what to do with the situation. I dont be ringing her/texting her all the time. Once/twice a week maybe. But never get replies. I dont have many friends so I think I am taking alot of **** as am afraid to be lonely and friendless.

I feel she knows this and is pulling all the strings (if you know what I mean), making all the decisions. When to met/where to go etc.

If she rings looking to go out, im like "Yes!" straight away. Eager and all that. If I ring or text her, I might not hear from her for a few days!

By the way, I want to make new friends and broaden my social circle anyways. How can this be done? Am in my 20's. (gosh, my post above sounds like something from the playground!).

Even though she has basically ignored me since yesterday, tomorrow she will ring and be looking to do something.

I think she is taking the piss but I dont want to loose her as a friend, just want her to cop on a bit or realise this behaviour aint right.

desperately seeking friends

i think youre friend simply has other things that are more important in her life than you, that take priority.

thats neither good nor bad, just that sometimes you will be left out.

of course, im not saying that asking you to go out and then leaving you hanging is nice, but unless you know the situation, then you cant really have a proper opinion on the matter. i mean, if she phones you up tomorrow and says, 'hey, the fella took me off for a sudden long weekend, and i left my phone behind' then what will your position be?

besides, i dont see why you cant exapnd your circle of friends so you always have someone to go out with. i mean, if you feel she is being awful to you (and i have to admit, i actually dont really see that in your post) then why not just stop seeing her, and see other people?

Zulu

Hummm, I'm guilty of this to an extent. So I'm going to be sympathetic to your friend. Firstly, how old are you?
I'm often enthusiastic when a friend rings, and I often don't show. It's not a test, or disrespect. Sometimes I change my mind. Sometimes I'm lazy. Sometimes I've other plans that I've forgot about. Sometimes a better offer has come along. (ie: a girl, sorry lads, but if she can do things you can't...)

That being said, I wouldn't leave a friend, sat on their own waiting for me. You see I'm a guy, and I don't feel the need to constantly reassure my friends, and thats why we are friends. If they really really want to meet, or if it's really important they'll ring/text.

Sometimes I ignore texts/calls, because, I'm not in the mood to text back or talk rubbish. If it's important I'll respond, but if it's a: "I'm bored text" when "I'm busy", so what?!?

Selfish - maybe. Honest - definitely.


WWM put it more eloquently: "i think youre friend simply has other things that are more important in her life than you, that take priority."

mysterious

I totally agree with Zulu.

seamus

Zulu, I don't see why someone you consider a friend (and therefore whom you respect) doesn't deserve the courtesy of some sort of response, at some point. Sure, I ignore calls, I read texts and go do something else, but I'll always respond at some point. If you were sitting across from them, and they asked you a question, would you ever ignore them?
I will sometimes too say I'm goin out, then change my mind very late on, but I'll always text someone to say "I couldn't be arsed" or whatever. Simply being a no-show is disrespectful.

A girl I know (not really a friend of mine) has done this recently. She would never respond to texts, would answer a call, say "I'll ring you back in five minutes" and then never ring, or would send one text, receive a response, and then nothing.
It's gotten to the point now where everyone she's known from the last ten years has stopped contacting her and stopped bothering to include her in parties/invites, etc - even close extended family.

To the OP - I'd just either do what The Corinthian said, or cut her off completely. She's a time waster - they're the worst kind of person to have in your life.

WhiteWashMan

seamus wrote:

Zulu, I don't see why someone you consider a friend (and therefore whom you respect) doesn't deserve the courtesy of some sort of response, at some point. Sure, I ignore calls, I read texts and go do something else, but I'll always respond at some point.

the OP never asctually said that she never gets a response, just a delay.
just like you do

megachick

Most of my close friends are in long term relationships and have been for a while, so i dont see them socially that often.I have other friends who are single and like the craic.None of them would ask me to go out and then not get back to me.Its pure ignorance.I've had friends in the past that have used me.I dont know if you see your friend as doing that.But I really think you deserve better then this.I dont have loads of friends but the friends I do have, I respect and trust.

Zulu

seamus wrote:

Zulu, I don't see why someone you consider a friend (and therefore whom you respect) doesn't deserve the courtesy of some sort of response, at some point.

Ah-ha, but sometimes I forget to respond. It's not intentional, but if I don't reply straight away, it could be a day or two before I check through my inbox, in which case it may be irrelivant.

seamus wrote:

If you were sitting across from them, and they asked you a question, would you ever ignore them?

No of course I wouldn't. It's not the same, jeez.

seamus wrote:

I will sometimes too say I'm goin out, then change my mind very late on, but I'll always text someone to say "I couldn't be arsed" or whatever. Simply being a no-show is disrespectful.

Not true with my friends. I've given up long ago texting or ringing, they just keep hassleing you to come out.

Don't get me wrong, I've got great mates. I really do. They're fantastic people, and I'm blessed to know them. I really do consider myself lucky to know these people. Maybe I take liberties too much, but I expect to be treated the same way. We're friends, not lovers.

dundalk cailin

i had a problem like the OPs in that i was friends with this girl were it seemed like i always made the effort, one night i was out, n met her and she was in a strop cos i hadnt rang her to go out...EH she was out without havin called me!!! she's so trying, so hard to get on with, she'll take every lil thing to heart and go off in a huff, me and mt other friend just had enough of her so we stopped keepin in contact with her, she did the same with us, so it was no loss to either party really in the end. which is a shame, cos when she was 'nice' she was absolutelt lovely. we just couldnt deal with her mood swings, and expecting us to automatically be able to go out when SHE wanted!!!

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies!

First of all, we are both in our mid-twenties. Ive known her along long time both with and without boyfriends and she has never acted so strange.

I went through an extremely tuff time over the past few months and she was very good about it-so she is a good friends, contrary to some of the posters above who are suggesting to "kick her to the kirb!".

I know what you are saying about depending on someone, but its not like I am at her all the time. I might speak to her once a week-if even that. If I dont get a reply to a message or voicemail etc, I leave it. Im not, every 5 minutes, trying to ring her or contact her.

Just about all the people I know are married or in relationships. I am not, so have lots of spare time. I need, really need, to meet other single people that I can socialise with but I dont know what to do. Is it as simple as joining a club? Im delighted that they are happy in relationships and happy in them, but, gosh, bring back the days when we were all single and having a bit of craic. It is tuff going out with couples and trying to pick up/meet a bloke! I was out last night with my other friend and it was great craic, but again boyfriend shows up and checking out the talent had to end.

Maybe all this boils down to feeling lonely. As I said in the first post, I know I am not the centre of the world for friends and family, it doesnt even boil down to "priorities", everyone has a life and different things going on in it. Just feel left behind. Gosh I seem really mixed up.

katiegordon

i really dont think you should be blaming yourself!Are you sure she is not trying to make you feel some undeserved loyalty torwards her???
I have a friend,my best friend actually,who is a manipulative b**ch to put it bluntly!now for years i put up with her making all the decisions and doing all the socialising on behalf of both of us.then she got wit a new BF and started doing the same thing ur friend is and ditching me.It was the best thing that ever happened to me.It was what i needed to finally move away from her.I got to know other friends and aquaintances better and now i have a big group of really good friends.I still talk to her and when i see her she still has some power over me which makes me feel guilty about not seeing her but i always have my other REAL friends to bring me back down to earth and remind me how unfairly she has treated me for a LONG time!!!
My advice:move on.Im sooo much happier now!!

Nasty_Girl

yep I've been here too,
the best thing is too just take these people as they come and don't expect anything from them.
Kinda sad really but thats life I'm afraid.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies. It is sorted now. I guess there are many people from all walks of life who have the same problems. I guess in a way I am lucky Im from Dublin, being a large city, where there are so many people. And I should be thanful for that as it definately gives me a chance to meet new and interesting people.
Thanks again.