Bit on the side

LegacyUser

Going unregged for this one folks. Here's my situation and before I get slagged off I just want to know has anyone got experience of this kind of issue, good or bad.

I have been seeing a guy for about 2 months and what can I say he's awesome, amazing looking, great sense of humour and we get on like a house on fire. S@x life is top notch too.

The main issue is he has a girlfriend. They've been going out since last xmas. I met him when they broke up for a month in August. When they got back together we cooled off for a week or two but eventually I asked him out again and we have been seeing each other when we can.

His relationship is tricky, they moved back from the UK together and she depends on him alot for support as her job isn't going too well. He says he will break up with her after xmas and I believe him as he doesn't seem happy with her. He hasn't said he loves me as he says that would be unfair in his current situation but he could see it getting that far.....and he says he doesn't love his girlfriend like he did, he loves as a friend but not as a lover. He doesn't live with her or anything. (He's 25 and I'm 26 by the way)

I'm happy with things the way they are as long as he breaks with her after xmas, i firmly believe we can build on it from then. If that doesn't happen I'm off.

Has anyone been in a similar situation or have any advice having seen it before?

Cheers

bp

and you believe him?????? i had a friend in a similar situation but she didnt know that she was the other woman and it ended badly for all involved!

maybe he is the man for you but could there be any truth in "once a cheater always a cheatere"???

what is so special about after christmas??? he gets presents from her? it will hurt her more then because it was a lie for longer and also that he just pitied her so stayed!

so he doesnt love you, tells you that he doesnt love her and you believe it because???

sorry for being synical but are you looking at this through rose coloured glasses?

tinkerbell

A married man will never leave his wife for an affair. Same goes for a boyfriend, he won't leave his girlfriend.

He's probably happy out that he's got the best of both worlds, a girlfriend and an affair. Hey if this is the sort of thing he's into, then what if he does the same to you?

Like bp said, what's so special about after Christmas? If he wanted to end it, he would've ended it by now. He's just pushing it off til after Christmas, probably just to make you stay with him. Besides, the time period after Christmas is eternity, who says he's gonna break up with her on Stephen's Day, or Stephen's Day 2010?

Best off telling him now that if he wants you now, then break up with her now. If he loves you like he says he does, then he'll break up with her. If he won't, well hey you know then what to do.

Beruthiel

would you be happy if you were with him and then found out he was also seeing someone else?
sorry, imo he's weak and I personally have no respect for someone who acts like he is right now.

stop seeing him and have no contact till he rings you up after christmas and tells you they are finished.
I wouldn't put my life on hold during that time either, I'd be out living my life and getting on with it.

Lex Luthor

I was this guy about 9yrs ago and until you walk away and stop giving him what he's getting on the side, he'll never leave her. Ok, you've decided that if he hasn't left her after xmas, then you're off, but xmas is an emotional time and I would try to push him for an answer and commitment before that.

Not saying he is me, but I stayed with my girlfriend and finished with the girl on the side....

WhiteWashMan

tinkerbell wrote:

Same goes for a boyfriend, he won't leave his girlfriend.
.

you see, youre dead wrong there.

the fact is that people do the things that people do. and that could be anything. he may well leave his partner, he may not.

LegacyUser

bp wrote:

and you believe him?????? i had a friend in a similar situation but she didnt know that she was the other woman and it ended badly for all involved!

maybe he is the man for you but could there be any truth in "once a cheater always a cheatere"???

what is so special about after christmas??? he gets presents from her? it will hurt her more then because it was a lie for longer and also that he just pitied her so stayed!

so he doesnt love you, tells you that he doesnt love her and you believe it because???

sorry for being synical but are you looking at this through rose coloured glasses?

do you believe his lies.he is getting d best of both worlds,a committed girl who depend on each other and u,the other nameless girl who is his playmate and nothing more.get a grip,get rid of him

LegacyUser

do you honestly believe his lies??why would he leave her he is getting the best of both world-a committed girlfind who they both depend upon, and you as a nameless bit on the side.get a grup, get rid of him because he will never grt rid of her for you.he would have done it by now if he was ever going to. sorry, the truth sucks........

meditraitor

My opinion of this situation would verge on the cynical. This guy is carrying on with you behind his girlfriends back, giving you the usual speel that the relationship is going nowhere, and all that.
Even if he does give her gates at christmas do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who can so easily decieve his partner, you could be next.

M

LegacyUser

The reason it's after xmas is because he's best man at her brother's wedding, wedding is set for Jan 9......

Thanks for your opinions so far.

cruiserweight

How could you ever trust or believe this guy? If he is willing to cheat on his "girlfriend" how do you know he would not do the same to you! You can also be pretty sure he is not saying to his girlfriend "I love you as a friend", but instead "I love you"! I would say get rid of him!

I once started going out with a girl when I started college, and found out after a couple of weeks that she had a boyfriend back home! I straight away said this was unacceptable, so she dumped the boyfriend and continued going out with me! 3 months passed and she dumped me, and started going out with somebody pretty quickly, so I am guessing she did the same to me! Being older and wiser(but not particularly old or wise) now I would never let myself get into the same situation!

Beruthiel

Unreg bit! wrote:

The reason it's after xmas is because he's best man at her brother's wedding, wedding is set for Jan 9.......

how is that an excuse?
her brother has plenty of time to find a new best man

Zombrex

Unreg bit! wrote:

He says he will break up with her after xmas and I believe him as he doesn't seem happy with her.

They why doesn't he just do it now? ... like you said, he doesn't live with her or anything, its not like a breakup would be that huge a deal. The excuse that she really needs him is bullsh*t TBH, does she really need him chasing around with another woman? It seems more that he really needs her.

Unreg bit! wrote:

He hasn't said he loves me as he says that would be unfair in his current situation but he could see it getting that far.....and he says he doesn't love his girlfriend like he did, he loves as a friend but not as a lover.

Again, why is he still going out with her then? Do they have kids or something? What exactly is tying him to this other woman exact that fact they he probably wants the best of both world

Unreg bit! wrote:

I'm happy with things the way they are as long as he breaks with her after xmas, i firmly believe we can build on it from then. If that doesn't happen I'm off.

Sorry to be harsh but it really sounds like he is stringing both of you along at the moment. I mean at the moment you are the cliche other woman hanging on for this guy to break up with his current girlfriend.

How many chessy TV movies have contained the lines: he wants to break up with her but it will hurt her too much, she needs him, he will break up with her after [insert holiday], he just loves her as a friend.

Think of it this way, this girl (who knows him better than you) is obviously completely oblivious to what is going one, so is it not possible that this guy as also hoodwinked you to. How do you actually know they were on a break when you too first hooked up? Did he tell you this? If you too were getting on like a house on fire why did he go back with his ex-girlfriend?

If you wanted my advice I would be telling you to have a bit more diginity and respect for yourself. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you won't see him until after he breaks up with the girlfriend. That would probably get an honest reaction out of him.

Personally if it was a girl doing this to me I would forget about her. You can do better than someone who has so little respect for the person they are seeing that they sleep around behind their backs and justifiy it as actually been a better situation for their partner.

The Troll

Dont believe him. Guys will always say they will do something. Theres a big difference between what we say we'll do and what we actually do though.

Zombrex

Unreg bit! wrote:

The reason it's after xmas is because he's best man at her brother's wedding, wedding is set for Jan 9......

He is sooo not breaking up with her after the Wedding ... :rolleyes:

He doesn't think he can do it now (weeks before the wedding, with plenty of time to rearrange the best-man), but he will be able to do it after he has actually gone through with the wedding and been the best man with her entire family there? Seriously doubtfull. What is he going to do it straight after the wedding? Or will he have to wait a week? Or a month? Or a few months...?

He is obviously pretty close with this girl and her family if her brother choose him as his best man. The idea that he can't walk away now, but he will be able to after the wedding is rather naive in my view. I might be wrong, but seriously it is a bit f**ked up to be the best man at this girls bother's wedding while he is banging someone else on the side and thinking all along I'm going t break up with you soon. This guy seems like a w**ker to be honest.

LegacyUser

He grew up with her brother and met the girl through him. That's why they're so close.

He was definitely on a break with her when he met cause i know the brother in question (i.e. the groom) and asked him were they together at the time. Don't worry it isn't an Emmerdale type scenario!, I know the brother through another bunch of friends.

My biggest issue is I am mad about this guy and want to think he means what he says, when he says he will be with me. You all seem to think he's just paying me lip service. I guess if he meant what he said he would leave her now.

Endurance Man

He is cheating on his current girl friend, how easy would it be for him to cheat on you .

txt_mess

Have to agreee with the general jist of what everyones said.

He seems to be dragging yourself and this other girl along and your letting him away with it. Your story at the start sounds fair enough as you got with him when they were split but then if he got back with you he's cheating on you.

Just think of it this way he's lying to her so there's probably no skin off his nose to lie to you too. I think you need to look after yourself and get away from him and on with the rest of your life , even if he does dump her whats to stop him cheating on you ( again ) once he see the opportunity.

dudara

Everyone here is being a little sympathetic to you, telling you to walk away from him. Well I'm going to stir the pot here and tell you to leave him alone.

Whatever his story is, he is in a relationship with someone else, someone who apparently loves him. And you're messing with that. How is that other woman going to feel knowing that someone else was shagging her boyfriend. Get some morals and some backbone and leave that other person's relationship alone until they sort it out.

Beruthiel

Unreg bit! wrote:

My biggest issue is I am mad about this guy and want to think he means what he says

actions speak louder than words,
you wanting to believe something, doesn't mean it will happen as you wish

I guess if he meant what he said he would leave her now

exactly
if he was on a 'break' with her last august, why did he go back????

/edit
couldn't agree more with what dudara said

Shabadu

Actually, I started off as 'the other woman' in a relationship, and he left his gf for me. We lived together, went out for a good long while etc.

Of course, there is the fact that he cheated on me constantly after the first eight months living together or so. In hindsight, I completely deserved it for starting a relationship with someone who was already with someone else. Hands off other womens property!

shakaman

christ if ever a post should warn you off doing what you're doing it's shabadu's!

Guess the saying is true, treat them mean and keep them keen!

Enii

Unreg bit! wrote:

The reason it's after xmas is because he's best man at her brother's wedding, wedding is set for Jan 9......

Thanks for your opinions so far.

Look if he really loved you he would just leave her.

The best man is just an excuse. Another guy can easily slot in as a best man.

Even if he did dumpt the girlf' and go out with you, a leopard never changes its spots...... you would surely be two-timed in the future.....

Walk away, there are plenty of decent guys out there, you don't need to be with this tw0-timing cheat - he's a nasty piece of work....

Ajnag

Dump him NOW.

If he's sincere about you, you wont have to wait long, if not you can let go and get on with your life.

Enii

Ajnag wrote:

Dump him NOW.

If he's sincere about you, you wont have to wait long, if not you can let go and get on with your life.

Good advice!

Kinetic^

Its going to end up in tears for everyone, bail now!!!!

g'em

dudara wrote:

Whatever his story is, he is in a relationship with someone else, someone who apparently loves him. And you're messing with that. How is that other woman going to feel knowing that someone else was shagging her boyfriend. Get some morals and some backbone and leave that other person's relationship alone until they sort it out.

Have to say, I agree with this. You say you met him when he was on a break from his gf, but when they got back together you asked him out, knowing he was back with her? It sort of sounds like you deserve each other.

He has cheated on his girlfriend with your encouragement. How can you possibly think this guy will be trustworthy? Or do you make it a habit of chasing other women's bf's?

Starting of a relationship on the back of lies and deceipt isn't going to get you very far.

Maccattack

what he's doing to her, he will do to you. The difference is, you'd deserve it.

LegacyUser

Maccattack wrote:

what he's doing to her, he will do to you. The difference is, you'd deserve it.

So you reckon even if he leaves her, he'll do the dirt on me? I don't think so, I think we'd be far happeir than they are.

dudara

Maccattack wrote:

what he's doing to her, he will do to you. The difference is, you'd deserve it.

I'd have to agree with this. You aksed him out again, knowing full well that he was back with his girlfriend. He's not innocent in this, but you get no sympathy from me.

So you reckon even if he leaves her, he'll do the dirt on me? I don't think so, I think we'd be far happeir than they are.

Now there, I think that you're just being naive and selfish. You only see your side in this affair, and not the side of the poor girl that you and him are cheating on. That woman is being screwed by both of you.

Maccattack

Unreg bit! wrote:

So you reckon even if he leaves her, he'll do the dirt on me? I don't think so, I think we'd be far happeir than they are.

of course you do. Best of luck.

g'em

Unreg bit! wrote:

So you reckon even if he leaves her, he'll do the dirt on me? I don't think so, I think we'd be far happeir than they are.

bless your cotton socks. oh to be that naive again...

savoyard

Why don't the two of you take a break and get back together after Christmas when he splits up with her?

bp

oh my dear...........so he is willing to risk one of his best mates (the groom) who he grew up with, and then in turn a lot of other friends to be with you? (sorry if i am being harsh but come on!!!) if he were a half decent bloke he would step down as best man and let someone else do it and dump his girlfriend. - he is willing to tarnish the memory of the wedding day so he can get la*d by two women....a nice man that!!!!

you seriously think that once he "dumps" the current girlfriend you two will move in together, get married, have babies and all will be well?!!! he will stop cheating and that will be it! have you seen one post yet saying that being the other woman actually worked out? No, doesnt that say something?!

get rid, dont waste your money on a christmas present for him (where will he be christmas day - with you or her?)

i may sound harst but this happened to a friend of mine, it doesnt work out and she was heartbroken afterwards, but at least she dumped him when she realised that she was the other woman, she didnt encourage him to cheat....how will you feel when its you in the current girlfriends shoes and he is off with someone else and she is encouraging him to cheat?

Maccattack

I hope - in a way - the other girl doesnt ever find out. poor thing.

Beruthiel

Unreg bit! wrote:

So you reckon even if he leaves her, he'll do the dirt on me? I don't think so, I think we'd be far happeir than they are.

you must be very young to have such an innocent view.

Shabadu

Unreg bit! wrote:

So you reckon even if he leaves her, he'll do the dirt on me? I don't think so, I think we'd be far happeir than they are.

/me waves

Hello me 5 years ago!

Yes, he will cheat on you. He *will* cheat on you. HE WILL CHEAT ON YOU!

cheekyass

yeh i was in the same situation for a while. it got very out of hand, not only was he guy i was with cheating on his girlfriend with me but he was cheating on me (and his proper g/f) with one of my friends. definitely not worth the hassle. chances are if hes lying to her about something hes lying to you about other things too or will in the future....run now before it goes too far!!!!

Zombrex

Unreg bit! wrote:

I think we'd be far happeir than they are.

Why exactly?

I genuinely understand why people, men and women, cheat because they feel trapped in a car crash of a relationship with someone .. but that normally happens after like 15 years of marriage with 2 kids and a joint morgage .. this guy seems to have no reason to cheat except he wants to his cake and to eat it .. there is no reason to believe that he won't cheat on you down the line rather than "hurt your feelings" and break up with you ...

Ask yourself the question, if the time came would you rather this guy break up with you or cheat on you behind your back. Because I am pretty sure he could find all the same reasons to justify cheating on you as he found for cheating on his current girlfriend (she needs me, not till after the wedding etc etc).

The very fact that you are now sitting around putting up with these BS reasons and excuses will probably give him even more encouragement. I am sure the next girl will do the exact same thing as he tells her that he can't break up with you just yet, that you need time, that you are feeling down and need his support, that he still loves you, but just as friend ... blah blah blah

Personally if it was me I would want to know that my girlfriend would have the cuts to break up with me instead of cheating on me and stringing me along...

God who are these men who have women falling over themselves to get into bad situations with them ... what is their secret??? :eek:

Kiera

Look i think you answered your own question. You said you have great sex. Well there you go. Sex will do it everytime for a bloke. He's with her coz he loves her. He wont tell you he loves you coz he doesnt and you are probably only a good shag to him. Sorry but thats the impression i get from what you said! Myabe i'm wrong but i doubt it!

Zombrex

Maccattack wrote:

I hope - in a way - the other girl doesnt ever find out. poor thing.

Me too, it would be so humiliating to find out something like that, you would feel so stupid

I do hope the brother finds out and kicks the crap out of him though ...

Kiera

Wicknight wrote:

I do hope the brother finds out and kicks the crap out of him though ...

Yes and she deserves a slap for messing with other peoples relationships. What goes around...........

dudara

While I'm personally in agreement with your sentiments, there will be no advocation of violence on this thread, or indeed on this forum.

Watch out, or bannings will follow.

chump

Why don't you just stop seeing him.
If he really wants you he'll fast forward his breakup and get with you.
If he wants to get with you and he's being honest about the after-xmas thing, wait and get back together after xmas.
If he is all talk he'll still be with her after xmas possibly having a bit on the side with someone else...

IMO if things are so great between ye he'll fastforward the dumpage if you give him an ultimatum ... or at the very least he will carry through his after xmas promise...

At the same time, why would you be bothered being girl number 2 in a man's life?
That's a bit sad really

Enii

Kiera wrote:

You said you have great sex. Well there you go. Sex will do it everytime for a bloke. He's with her coz he loves her. He wont tell you he loves you coz he doesnt and you are probably only a good shag to him.

I think you hit the nail on the head here.

Suaimhneach

Unreg bit! wrote:

Going unregged for this one folks. Here's my situation and before I get slagged off I just want to know has anyone got experience of this kind of issue, good or bad.

I have been seeing a guy for about 2 months and what can I say he's awesome, amazing looking, great sense of humour and we get on like a house on fire. S@x life is top notch too.

The main issue is he has a girlfriend. They've been going out since last xmas. I met him when they broke up for a month in August. When they got back together we cooled off for a week or two but eventually I asked him out again and we have been seeing each other when we can.

His relationship is tricky, they moved back from the UK together and she depends on him alot for support as her job isn't going too well. He says he will break up with her after xmas and I believe him as he doesn't seem happy with her. He hasn't said he loves me as he says that would be unfair in his current situation but he could see it getting that far.....and he says he doesn't love his girlfriend like he did, he loves as a friend but not as a lover. He doesn't live with her or anything. (He's 25 and I'm 26 by the way)

I'm happy with things the way they are as long as he breaks with her after xmas, i firmly believe we can build on it from then. If that doesn't happen I'm off.

Has anyone been in a similar situation or have any advice having seen it before?

Cheers

I didn't read all the other replies as most of them seem bleak.

If you both did infact meet when they were broken up then maybe its not all terrible. Xmas is over in a month. See how it goes from there, if he suddenly cant break up with her "again" then dump him. But, maybe cool off til after Xmas, I mean, he's currently sleeping with both of you.. that's not nice...

He might actually like you and will leave his current missus. I have a friend who's fella left her for another girl, and funnily our joint best mates fella for the last year left his missus for her.

These things happen.

Tomohawk

Maybe both the ladies in question could share Mr.Loverman? Howsabout a threesome ehhhh!!!

...but seriously my advice on this is that I know one or two couples who have met this way. Stealing someone else's partner does happen in the real world. However when this happens most people involved make a clear choice and settle for that, amongst the rest of the emotional fallout and the losing of friends, swapping of allegiences etc. I think the OP finds herself on the cusp of this final stage.

Take control of the situation. If you want this guy, force the issue. Then you'll know if he really wants you and or just likes "cake". Why wait, if its such a good thing? I know I wouldn't. And why not enjoy your first xmas together?

Decision time for the man in your life.
Listen to what he's says very, very carefully, and only then choose the lover, not the liar.

the_syco

Unreg bit! wrote:

The reason it's after xmas is because he's best man at her brother's wedding, wedding is set for Jan 9......

Thanks for your opinions so far.

Are ye sure HE's not the one getting wed?

LegacyUser

Ok, well I had a think and had a chat about with my best mate and decided to give him an ultimatum. I said it's either her or me, now.

I spoke to him last night and we're meeting tonight when he's gonna tell me his decision.

For those of you who gave advice (good or bad) politely I thank you. For those of you who who made me out to be some kind of stupid airhead, i say this.....we don't choose who we fall for in this world and I imagine those of you who became vulgar or were taking have never experienced situations like this, very easy be an insider looking in but not so easy to be stuck in the middle.

And don't give me the usual "You asked for an opinion and you got it", I asked for an opinion and in many cases got a berage of abuse that were both insulting and hurtful.

dudara

I imagine those of you who became vulgar or were taking have never experienced situations like this, very easy be an insider looking in but not so easy to be stuck in the middle.

I think you'd be surprised how many of us might have experienced situations like this. In any case, I hope things work out OK, for everyone involved

Zombrex

Unreg bit! wrote:

For those of you who gave advice (good or bad) politely I thank you. For those of you who who made me out to be some kind of stupid airhead, i say this.....we don't choose who we fall for in this world and I imagine those of you who became vulgar or were taking have never experienced situations like this, very easy be an insider looking in but not so easy to be stuck in the middle.

I am not sure if I am included in that or not, but I would say we can't choose who we fall for but we can choose how we treat other people around us. "We are in love" isn't an excuse to treat people badly, especially people we are supposed to call friends (talking about him more than you here, I don't know your relationships with this poor girl).

There is a right way and a wrong way to handle situations like this. You two have taken the wrong way. For that you only have yourselves to blame.

(and yes I have been in a situation like this, not that that actually matters)