Intervention

bp

ok here is the problem - got a friend, beautiful, clever girl who is going out with someone who is destroying her. She spends all of her time with him, he freaks out if she spends time with other people (especially her best friends - one male one female). she was in the pub with her best female mate and her rang at least ten times and then said he was coming to the pub (she cannot go anywhere without him turning up). he even came to her house at 3am one morning even though she was in work at seven that morning cause she said she wanted to go to bed early and didnt want him calling over. anyway her family and friends are all beside themselves with worry - she isnt eating anymore, she isnt seeing her friends and it always in his house.

Long story short we - all her friends are thinking of staging an intervension - that being all sit her down and talk to her, show her how worried we are (we are blue in the face saying it individually), has anyone here ever done something like that, had it done to them etc

basically we dont know what to do anymore - she has changed for the worse and her whole life (college included is effected). she tried to break up him a while back but he rang everyone who knew her until she spoke to him.

thanks for any suggestions

Ag marbh

Get a male friend to sort him out.

bp

she only has one real close male friend and he just isnt that sort of person! she has only seen him three times in the past few months and she used to basically live in his house (as mates)

cruiserweight

I know a girl who liked to be like that! One group of her friends were supportive and gently pointed out that her boyfriend should not be like that! Another group basically said to her it was either them or him!

At the end of the day she realised herself what an idiot she was being and told her boyfriend where to go, however, the friends that were not supportive and asked her to make a choice were also gone!

If she tried to dump him already then she realises what an a-hole he is! She sounds like she needs your support!

bp

we would obviously never say him or us but we have tried to gently piont out what an a*shole he is - and it think she does realise what he is like but she is afraid that she will "never find love again" - even though what she has right now isnt love!!!

cruiserweight

Okay just saying be careful!

Nasty_Girl

Had a friend in the exact same situation, its uncanny actually.
We all said it to her, individually and in a group but to no avail.
She'd hear us out, reach the same conclusion, dump him and then be back with him the next day. I
always thought of her as an intelligent street wise person who'd never take sh*t from anyone.
Anyway we kept telling her, to the point where she just wouldn't tell us about her relationship anymore.
She moved town with him, they were alone together for about a month maybe 2 when she returned. Without him.

I guess what I'm saying is ganging up on her did no good, talking to her alone did no good. She had to figure it out for herself, I'm sorry she had to but she's lived to tell the tale.

Your friend has to see this for herself.

Just let her know you'll always be there for her. There's not much else you can do.

Her fella is now probably on to the fact that ye don't like him and this will probably cause a divide. He'll probably start blaming ye for problems in their relationship and she'll probably start thinking the same.

She really has to figure it out herself, just let her know ye care.

Red Alert

that sounds a bit freaky alright. i was once going out with a girl who just couldn't leave me alone, but i got really fed up of her after a few months so that was the end of that. i've been the male friend who was disliked by the b/f too - a girl who used to live near me (let's say Ann) was good friends with me, a female friend (lets call her Cliona) and her boyfriend (let say he's Paul). she began going out with some dude who had a big problem if she didn't fancy going out with him some night and instead preferred coming down to the pub with us. so he used to appear all the time, which is something considering he was from the other side of the city. and it was creepy too, because one night Paul and I were down in the pub minus the girls with a few of the lads, when lo and behold who shows up only Ann's b/f. he didn't see us but we definitely saw him. so Paul and I told Cliona and the three of us sat her down and said that the fella was in. she tries breaking up with him, and then he accuses me and Paul of "just being jealous", and more or less said he 'forbade' her to see us!! Luckily she broke up with him, which is what your mate needs to do.

bp

yeah i know.......we are trying to let her figure it out for helself but it just doesnt seem to be working.......she is afraid to tell him that she is going for a while and when we do see her she crys about what he does to her, then she calls him and says sorry even if she didnt do anything wrong.

i guess we will just have to let her get there herself, the problem is that her closest friends dont even know if they can wait that long - they dont know if they will be there for her when it ends cause they are finding now so hard!

anyway thanks for all the advice!

cruiserweight

bp wrote:

yeah i know.......we are trying to let her figure it out for helself but it just doesnt seem to be working.......she is afraid to tell him that she is going for a while and when we do see her she crys about what he does to her, then she calls him and says sorry even if she didnt do anything wrong.

i guess we will just have to let her get there herself, the problem is that her closest friends dont even know if they can wait that long - they dont know if they will be there for her when it ends cause they are finding now so hard!

anyway thanks for all the advice!

No problem, hope everything works out for your friend, sound like she just needs some time and she will figure it out!

Nasty_Girl

They're not really her close friends if they're not going to see her through the bad times really.
I know its easier said than done but if they're really her friends they'll get through it.

bounty_hunter

EDIT: Didn't see the bit about her not eating, sorry. Sounds like my story isn't quite as serious, so disregard as you see fit. It's very difficult to judge without knowing the person.

bp wrote:

Long story short we - all her friends are thinking of staging an intervension - that being all sit her down and talk to her, show her how worried we are (we are blue in the face saying it individually), has anyone here ever done something like that, had it done to them etc

I've been in a vaguely similar situation before, and while I didn't take such extreme measures as "staging an intervention", I did (in complete desperation) attempt to point out to my (female) friend exactly what was going on and what it was doing to her, in the hope that it might help her to reassess the situation of her own accord. Several other friends also attempted the same thing.

Needless to say, we were all met with ferocious hostility and the whole ordeal served no purpose but to make the situation a hell of a lot worse. Since she no longer trusted anyone who had tried to help, it pushed her even closer towards the offending male and made it even more difficult for anyone to intervene in the event that something should go drastically wrong for her.

I do understand your predicament, in the sense that I've been there myself and taken similar action, but you have to understand that it's her life and what she does is really none of anybody else's business. Of course you only want the best for her, as I did for my friend, but she won't see that right now.
Regardless of how good your intentions are, she is very, very, very unlikely to listen to a word you say, and while she may thank you some time in the future, she will almost definitely not thank you right now. Just leave her to it and let her learn her own lessons.

Blondie86Star

Be very careful. This girl I knows (fmr) friend is an absolute psycho, he verbally abuses her friends and even physically assaulted one of her other friends. Yet she sticks by him. I think your friend is really insecure about herself and doesnt feel she cant do any better

Tar.Aldarion

bp wrote:

ok here is the problem - got a friend, beautiful, clever girl who is going out with someone who is destroying her. She spends all of her time with him, he freaks out if she spends time with other people (especially her best friends - one male one female). she was in the pub with her best female mate and her rang at least ten times and then said he was coming to the pub (she cannot go anywhere without him turning up). he even came to her house at 3am one morning even though she was in work at seven that morning cause she said she wanted to go to bed early and didnt want him calling over. anyway her family and friends are all beside themselves with worry - she isnt eating anymore, she isnt seeing her friends and it always in his house.

Long story short we - all her friends are thinking of staging an intervension - that being all sit her down and talk to her, show her how worried we are (we are blue in the face saying it individually), has anyone here ever done something like that, had it done to them etc

basically we dont know what to do anymore - she has changed for the worse and her whole life (college included is effected). she tried to break up him a while back but he rang everyone who knew her until she spoke to him.

thanks for any suggestions

Basically just sit her down together and keep at her till she realises that he is ****ing things up.
she tried to break up with him?
if she wants to break up with him she will, ignore his calls if he starts ringing again.
Does she have low self esteem or a weak character?
She seems to have got back together with him because of persistence.Tell him to lighten up or quite bluntly, with rolled up sleeves, to **** off.

Suaimhneach

bp wrote:

ok here is the problem - got a friend, beautiful, clever girl who is going out with someone who is destroying her. She spends all of her time with him, he freaks out if she spends time with other people (especially her best friends - one male one female). she was in the pub with her best female mate and her rang at least ten times and then said he was coming to the pub (she cannot go anywhere without him turning up). he even came to her house at 3am one morning even though she was in work at seven that morning cause she said she wanted to go to bed early and didnt want him calling over. anyway her family and friends are all beside themselves with worry - she isnt eating anymore, she isnt seeing her friends and it always in his house.

Long story short we - all her friends are thinking of staging an intervension - that being all sit her down and talk to her, show her how worried we are (we are blue in the face saying it individually), has anyone here ever done something like that, had it done to them etc

basically we dont know what to do anymore - she has changed for the worse and her whole life (college included is effected). she tried to break up him a while back but he rang everyone who knew her until she spoke to him.

thanks for any suggestions

An intervension is always a good idea when the whole family and freinds are concerned. DO it now before its too late.

Nasty_Girl

bounty_hunter wrote:

Needless to say, we were all met with ferocious hostility and the whole ordeal served no purpose but to make the situation a hell of a lot worse. Since she no longer trusted anyone who had tried to help, it pushed her even closer towards the offending male and made it even more difficult for anyone to intervene in the event that something should go drastically wrong for her.

It can be a vicious circle alright.

Chucky the tree

Ag marbh wrote:

Get a male friend to sort him out.

amen.



If she doesnt have any male friends herself get someone who has a brother or something.

bp

she is an only child and father isnt present so he cannot even wade in to warn the bf off! thanks for the advice guys i really appreciate it - i will stand by her no matter what but it is getting harder and harder. she used to be confident and outgoing etc but now she isn't! last time i saw her he wasnt there (thankfully) but she went into a different room to "ring home" but was actually calling him. she was crying and saying sorry for something that wasnt her fault. we brought her back to the sitting room when she continued to cry for 30mins and he was calling her the whole time - luckily her phone was on silent so she didnt see that it was ringing.

hopefully we will work something out.......any way thanks a million for the advice we will keep it all in mind when making a final decision

*Oul_Doll_Cork*

It sounds to me like she is afraid to break up with him. You said she tried to do it before... This guy is so obsessed with her she is probably worried about what he could do to himself... or even her if she does break up with him. If she isnt eating or anything... she could be really depressed...... she might not want to tell you about wanting to break up with him because as soon as she says it... it will become real and she will need to face it and break up with him...
I was with this guy before... none of my friends liked him for various reasons!... The thing is he was really abusive and often beat me up. I didn't tell any of my friend's because I was soo ashamed and because i would have to face up to the fact that this guy who i thought i loved was actually a piece of ****e!... He just constantly put me down and I really felt as if i couldn't do any better!... It was wierd because you see things like that happen and you say "stupid girl...".... but some people are just bad for you and make you do stupid things...
...... I think the best thing you can do is be the best friend you can be... let her know that she has people who cares about her and she will realise that he is bad news!

bp

just an update for you guys.................it has gotten worse.........she is 12 weeks pregrant and he is getting worse...........he is now being aggressive to her friends boyfriend who he also knows........now what to do............he wont let her out of his sight at this stage.......calling/ texting every two minutes (literally) if he isnt there

well there you go.........what to do now?!????????????

Chicken(",)

Jesus Christ what does she think of bringing a child into the world with a psycho father like that? Has she ever seen Fatal Attraction? Have you ever seen Fatal Attraction? Take Glenn Close out and Put this psycho boyfriend into her place and get this girl to watch it it will probably scare the absolute ****e out of her as it did any man I know that has seen it.

I'm sorry for suggesting to you to get her to watch a movie- only thing I can think of. Was this pregnancy planned? If he has done this on the sly to get her to stay with him he seriously should be put on death row because it's a poxy coward thing to do. Apologies if this is not the case.

The Sweeper

bp what age are you lot? You and your friends, your mate, her boyfriend etc. etc.?

This is one of the most difficult situations you can be in in life. Your friend is with a dangerous and controlling man who is aggressive and may become physically violent - it is a fact that domestic abuse often starts or intensifies during pregnancy. If he is a controlling or domineering man, there is little or no chance of your friend leaving him now of her own accord - especially if he is manipulating her regarding his right to see their child etc, or blaming her for becoming pregnant (I am assuming this wasn't a planned pregnancy) and guilting her into staying with him.

First of all, if ever your friend needed you, it's now. Even if she doesn't know she needs you. Be as nice as you possibly can to her boyfriend's face - he controls where she goes, what she does, who she sees - you need to present no threat to him or he may try and prevent your friend seeing you.

If you're all very young, try and get an adult - a responsible, independent adult - perhaps one of your parents - involved. See if you and this adult can get this girl on her own - make an excuse involving a half hour's tea and biscuits (not the pub, he doesn't like her in the pub on her own and he'll gatecrash).

When you're on your own, ask your friend if there is anything you can do for her. Tell her you're worried about the amount of pressure she appears to be under and you're conscious that it must also be stressing her boyfriend out. Then ask her if you can help her in any way.

Depending how she reacts, see what you can do from there - your friend probably has almost no sense of self left at the moment. She's a mother-to-be, and a girlfriend to a demanding man. Her own wants and needs have probably been completely steamrollered in a flurry of confusion and her own desperate efforts to do the right thing. There is absolutely no point in sitting her down and saying to her "your man's a psycho, you have to leave him" - she probably has little or no ability left to make a personal choice.

The most difficult thing in the whole world is to make someone see something that's right in front of them. People in abusive relationships stay in them because they feel they have to. They believe - really believe - that they have no choice. They think they owe their partner something, that they shouldn't trouble anyone else with their problems, and that they've nowhere to go.

On that basis, you telling your friend what to do just presents her with one more area in her life where she feels she's letting someone down because you aren't happy with her relationship.

What you need to do is help her open her options, and give her a choice. The first step in making choices is to see how she's feeling about herself at the moment.

Nevyn

The advocating of volience and 'sorting' people out will result in a banning from the forum.

MAJD's advice is spot on the poor girl must be feeling trapped and she needs to see that she is in control of her life and she has choices and options.

bp

we are all in our early 20's..........he is in college and she is in the middle of a masters which she may have to give up now for obvious reasons..........i think she knows he is a twat and says that she has tried breaking up with him but he wouldnt let her (ringing all the time etc)

thanks for the advice lads............we (me and her friends) just dont know what do to at this stage!

Supercell

bp wrote:

we are all in our early 20's..........he is in college and she is in the middle of a masters which she may have to give up now for obvious reasons..........i think she knows he is a twat and says that she has tried breaking up with him but he wouldnt let her (ringing all the time etc)

thanks for the advice lads............we (me and her friends) just dont know what do to at this stage!

bp, by doing nothing you aren't helping her at all, you're just allowing the situation to become worse, MAJD has given excellant advice there imho, thats what to do - ASAP!

[someguy]

bp wrote:

i think she knows he is a twat and says that she has tried breaking up with him but he wouldnt let her (ringing all the time etc)

What does he do? hold her against her will?

Try ignoring him? changing phone numbers? get a restraining order? This all should have been done a long time ago. But now that she's pregnant with his baby, she'll be tied to him for a long time maybe even for good judging by her resolve. Drastic steps may be needed to cut ties with him now.

Victor

I would be careful about this and would seek professional advice (I'm not sure who, but talk to your GP), the last thing you want is to make her feel you are ganging up on her.

SexeeAussie

Oh God I really was hoping to have heard better news than this.

The fact that she is now pregnant (assuming it's his) will make it soooo much harder for her to break away from him.

I was in a situation like this but I was your friend. I had friends that would try and get me away from this controlling, jealous, possessive animal and I would just creep further into my shell. I was **** scared of this man, I never thought I would be in a position to be so frightened and controlled. He sounds JUST like the abovementioned bf. I couldn't even go to get the groceries without the Spanish inquisition. If I was home later than what the 'normal' time taken to do the groceries is.....I would be interrogated. I remember once going away for the weekend for a hens weekend for my cousin (with his 'permission') and I got a phone call at least every 2 hours. Esp during the night. It was hell.

I had a child with this man and it made the hold on me about 50 times tighter. The only way I became strong and had the strength and sense to get out of it for good, unfortunately, came in time (and after I realised I didn't have to deal with it anymore). I look back now and I am slightly ashamed that I let someone have so much control over me, but I can see why it happenend and I have changed some of those bad traits in my personality.

I really wish I could offer some practical advice......he sounds like a real asshole.....and I am scared for your friend. I agree that you probably need to just let her know that you are always there for her and be careful to note any signs of violence towards her. If she is being assaulted by this man, then obviously you could bring in the law.

Goodluck and hope it turns out for the best.