closure?

miss_gonzo

i usual end frienships in an obscure manner and i later find myself regretting that i left that door open, especially when its on a bad note.

now, i dont like dwelling on the past and tell myself never to look back but theres still that want for closure.

i'm igoring it, because, like i said, i dont look back

do you gain closure or try ending on the best possible note before ending relationships (friendships or whatnot) or is leaving the door open fine with you??

i'm scared that 10 years from now or more, i'll have this empty feeling from not properly ending things, an empty feeling that cant be filled because its too late.

turbot

I think you have to acknowledge what is true for you.

It seems there is a tendency within Irish culture to live in various degrees of denial.

My take on these situations is:
- Honestly and responsibly acknowledge your role in whatever misunderstanding / argument you had.
- If you were geniunely mistreated / abused and this led to you walking away, then emotionally and behaviourally resolve the situation within yourself such that if you recognise similar kinds of abuse or mistreatment in the future, you are prepared to deal with it quickly and move on or respond, without getting too hurt. Sometimes it's better to walk away as there are lots of people out there and if you take bad treatment in your life, you get to keep it and you face the opportunity cost of not surrounding yourself with nice people (and in order to do this successfully, you yourself must be decent and have good intentions.... not on an ego trip)
- It hurts you and robs you of bliss to stay angry and hateful towards someone, however much they deserve it. My understanding is that martial arts masters get to a point emotionally, where they can be artfully destructive, yet not act of hate. Acting out of hate is a path to the dark side... yet harnessed, purposeful anger driven by good intentions can give you the power to break free of a situation that might otherwise enslave you.
If you want to respond to mistreatment with action, at least do so resourcefully.

Overall, I think it frees you to be at peace with what you've been through and with whom. That is not the same as submitting to someone mistreating you and living in denial about it.

As the saying goes, "As you go through life, treat the people around you well, so when you look back over your life, you can enjoy reliving your memories".

By saying you are ignoring it, *it* refers to something part of your (ongoing?) experience that you are aware of.

So - resolve the situation for yourself so you don't have to ignore it, rather you deal with it, act in a way that respects you and your role, and the other person, (to the point where there behaviour deserves respect).

Remember a person is not their behaviour. It's often freeing to acknowledge that the other person is also going along through life on their path, and they may be learning too... nobody is perfect and you may have been on the receiving end of a unpleasant part of their imperfection. It's not the whole story of who they are, just the part you experienced.

So within this context, you can forgive them, which is to me means releasing the hatred / venom / animosity you feel towards them, such that you are at peace. It doesn't mean what they did was ok, nor they can keep doing it. It means that within yourself you don't get knarled up thinking about it.

It's also wise to realise that to a significant extent, you can draw people into your life you enjoy by being the kind of person that is worthy of them, and respecting yourself in the process. By this I mean that if you do kind things, treat people well, live by your highest standards, etc, over time my experience is this leads to having people in your life who you truly love, who help fill up the emptiness you alude to being a possibility, who you really enjoy having around.

So I hope that helps!

- Thomas

secret_squirrel

OP - stop over analysing! The fact is even with the best will in the world you are not going to achieve closure on everything, thats just life.

Getting worried about not achieving closure on everything is just going to screw you up. Try to relax.

Generally speaking achieving true closure requires both parties involved to be willing to make the effort to achieve that closure. You need to bear in mind that if you are talking about a major row then the other party may have achieved closure by cutting you out of their lives. And if that works for them good.

If you have seriously got that many closure issues with several friendships you really need to examine your behaviour. Especially if obtaining closure is such an issue for you. Ask yourself these 4 questions :

Are you obsessing about closure?
How can I handle closure issues where the other party refuses contact?
Am I being selfish in expecting others to help me achieve closure when either they already have it or they dont need it?
Am I behaving in such a way that denies me closure?

Pigman II

Sounds like a lot of nonsense to me. You want to kick people out of your life but still come out of it smelling like roses and with a clear conscience. Typical female self-delusion as far as I'm concerned. I bet you say 'can we still be friends?' a lot too?

I've (like all people) had people important to myself come in and out of my life (some of whom I've not spoken to in over a decade) but I've never 'closed' on any of them them. I live with their ghosts (so to speak) in my memory every day and I just get on with it.

My advice is just 'don't try anything'. Things will end as they end. Trying to force the issue one way or another is pointless imho. 'Closing' for it's part is just way of kidding yourself too.

WhiteWashMan

miss_gonzo wrote:

i usual end frienships in an obscure manner and i later find myself regretting that i left that door open, especially when its on a bad note..

i dont get it?
you break it off but say that maybe you will go out with someone again in 6 weeks time?

miss_gonzo wrote:

now, i dont like dwelling on the past and tell myself never to look back but theres still that want for closure.
.

i dont see a connection for a need for closure and looking at the past.
either you get closure when you end a relationship or you dont.
i would think that if you break it off all the time, then you arent exactly having the most lengthy of relationships, and perhaps this need for closure is actually something else?

miss_gonzo wrote:

i'm igoring it, because, like i said, i dont look back
.

?

miss_gonzo wrote:

ido you gain closure or try ending on the best possible note before ending relationships (friendships or whatnot) or is leaving the door open fine with you??

.

you gain closure by no longer being effected negatively by a relationship.
if you are upset becuase someone dumps you, then you need to get closure.
it has nothing to do with leaving doors open, or ending on a good note, or still being friends.
but different people have different needs.

miss_gonzo wrote:

i'm scared that 10 years from now or more, i'll have this empty feeling from not properly ending things, an empty feeling that cant be filled because its too late.

i think you have more issue with relationships than with this closure thing. i think you just dont know it yet.
it seems to me that you are looking for some sort of relationship, and when you dont get what you want, you move on, always feeling lonely and always feeling that it will never work out.

of course, i may be completely wrong!

but my advice, is to stop falling into relationships, take your time, and anjoy yourwself. stop forcing things.

secret_squirrel

I think WWM is right on this one. I personally have never ended a friendship in my life. Relationships yes, friendships no. You seem to be confusing 1 with the other OP.

Friends can drift apart or fall out - but officially end??? That doesnt even enter into the concept of friendship I have. Has it occurred to you that you really need to really need to work out what the hell a friendship is to you, imo you dont seem to have grasped the concept.

On an aside how old are you?