Advice required..

LegacyUser

Hello,

Hope someone can give me some form of advice with my situation here.

Have been going out with my girlfriend of 21 for almost 5 years now and i have stuck by her through thick and thin.

Her father has had a troubled past - causing havoc in the house with a couple of drinks in him. Throwing family members down stairs, putting knives through doors etc.

But a year or two back, her father got a bit outta hand and kicked her (my girlfriend) outta the house. And by kicked her out, i also mean pulled her out her front door and dragged her down the street in front of passing beeping cars.

I was tempted to go to the police but my girlfriend just says it'll make things worse at home for herself and her family.

So eventually things went back to normal and nothing too significant happened. An angry word here and there if he was out for the night but nothing compared to some of his more severe incidents.

Anyways.. her Dad arrived home Saturday evening. And things started with shouting and screaming for myself and my girlfriend to leave the room. We left and to cut things short, he called her to the top of the stairs and started shouting at her for no reason. This guy is a big man.. i'm not exactly built enough to face up to him but i (foolishly?) answered back at him telling him she did nothing wrong.

He then raised his voice even louder threatening both myself and my girlfriend. I was in my girlfriend's room and he told her to shut the door on me while they were in the hall arguing.

He then brought her downstairs - all i could hear from the room was kicking of doors and shouting / screaming. Her mother and sister told me i couldn't leave the room despite how much i tried to get past them. I had to stand by and let this happen.

He then called me downstairs and tried to somewhat apologise to me but i told him (again foolishly?) than i was having none of this and i asked him if i could go out to see her in the kitchen as she was clearly distraught from the sobbing i heard emerging from the kitchen.

(even writing this.. i'm getting shivers and very upset)

He told me she could come into me but i couldn't go out to her. He then thumped the door with full force on his way outta the kitchen and scared her telling her "why wasn't she coming inside?" for her to reply shaking "she didn't know if she was allowed"

He eventually let her inside the sitting room absolutely shaking in fear and face astream with tears. I brought her upstairs and we made our exit out of the house for the night.

I learned afterwards that he punched her full force in the arm (a massive bruise now resides there) and also threw a knife at her. He then threatened to go upstairs after me with the knife.

I'm now not permitted to be in the house anymore.. i can call to the door and pick my girlfriend up to go up to my house.

This is a truly sick man whose pleasure comes in torturing her. But herself and her family tell me it won't happen again.

I told her to move out with me - but she's scared of her sister and mother's safety if she moves out but it seems to be her who he's targeting as he knows threatening to hurt me will get to her.

Haven't got any sleep last night and won't tonight either thinking about it and i am uncontrollably worried about my girlfriend and her safety but what can i do?

I am truly terrified for my girlfriend's (and her family) safety!

WhiteWashMan

to be honest, id put a report into the police.
and then get your girl to move out.

Dragan

YOur girlfriends family needs to face up to the guy, plain and simple. Mine went through the same thing, though when I am around he never said boo because he knew what would goddamn happen.

Eventually, with help from friends and family they were able to stand up to him and get him out and are stronger for it.

Drazhar

Cops, call them now, while reading this post you should have the phone in your hand. That guy is a pr1ck, full stop, get the cops onto it now

Nuttzz

Tell the cops he came after you with a knife, dont mention the GF, chances are she wont move out for fear that he will take it out on the rest of the family.

Your other option is to get a group of friends and now that the evenings are dark "sort him out". Not very PC I know but sometimes its the only things thugs understand...

good luck

Dragan

Guys. Your missing the point. If the g/f or mother or any other family memeber wanted the cops involved it would have happened already.

If he goes to the cops and says they guy came at him with knife how does he try and prove this at all??? Do you think the mother and g/f will lie for him?? I doubt it.

The father controls this family through fear, plain and simple. And guess what, he will not get put away for life for ANY of this ****, so they will always know that they will need to deal with him at some point. He will come back and he will **** there **** up plain and simple and this constant threat has him in control.

When my g/f was going through the same thing it was tough, I wanted the cops in at first until i had it explained to me what would happen, I wanted to bury him and i could have easily beat this guy down but then what would have happened??? I WOULD HAVE BEEN DONE WITH ASSAULT. I WOULD HAVE BEEN IN THE WRONG.

What you need to be is there for your girlfriend, you need to be a rock from which SHE can find the strenght to stand up to him. If she can lead the rest of the family will follow.

When he can no longer control them, then will they have won.

seamus

Nuttzz wrote:

Tell the cops he came after you with a knife, dont mention the GF, chances are she wont move out for fear that he will take it out on the rest of the family.

Lying won't solve anything. If he does this, the Gardai will ask everyone what happened, and the family will either stay silent or will not back up the story, leaving the OP to explain some very serious allegations.

Your other option is to get a group of friends and now that the evenings are dark "sort him out". Not very PC I know but sometimes its the only things thugs understand...

Absolutely terrible idea.

OP, it's five years now, so I assume you're well accustomed to being her emotional crutch and picking up the pieces every time her Dad goes off the rails. At this point though, I still would not recommend getting dragged into the situation. If you try to make her choose between you and her family, she will choose her family.

As you say yourself,

This is a truly sick man whose pleasure comes in torturing her

The father clearly maintains control through fear, and this is what is keeping your girlfriend put.

I can only see two courses of action for you:
1. Stick with her. Pick up the pieces each time, and continue trying to convince her to move out or call the Gardai.
2. Give her an ultimatum. Explain to her that you can't continue watching this crap go on and stand idly by. She'll either move out, let you go, or realise that she has to do something about it. If she moves in with you, your home becomes yours, and then you can deny her father access to your home and get the Gardai involved if needs be.

The problem is that you cannot come between her and her father, at any stage. That is why you're left with two choices: Stick by her, or get yourself out and save yourself the emotional drain.

vorbis

Guards plain and simple. If the family will testify against him its a straightforward assault case (hitting your gf) At the very least, there will be a restraining order. They shouldn't allow such an asshole to ruin their lives.

Dragan

vorbis wrote:

Guards plain and simple. If the family will testify against him its a straightforward assault case (hitting your gf) At the very least, there will be a restraining order. They shouldn't allow such an asshole to ruin their lives.

Your not getting it dude, hwo long would be be put away for???? And as nice as restaining orders sound, they don't actually do a thing.

Sure, somewhere its says your "not allowed" within such a distance, it doesn't actually stop it happening though!

The need to thread softly or else things just get worse.

Believe!

seamus

vorbis wrote:

If the family will testify against him its a straightforward assault case (hitting your gf)

Clearly they won't, or it would have been done already.

At the very least, there will be a restraining order.

Completely useless. If the order is breached, all you do is call the Gardai, and they ask him to leave.

They shouldn't allow such an asshole to ruin their lives.

Somehow I'd say it's too late for the mother at least. I would say that she is the one causing the cycle to continue. The mother may be insistent on sticking with her husband because she did love him once, and so the girls remain with their mother to protect her.

Nuttzz

seamus wrote:

Lying won't solve anything. If he does this, the Gardai will ask everyone what happened, and the family will either stay silent or will not back up the story, leaving the OP to explain some very serious allegations.

The OP said he was threatened with a knife, where is the lying?

My reasoning was its obvious that the GF wont testify so perhaps he could...

Dragan

The OP was not himself directly threatened, he merely has it second hand, that the act itself was threatened , or so i am led to believe by the words "I later learned".

As such , no direct threat was made, no proof of the threat exists.

Nuttzz

ahh my bad

apologies for dragging this off topic

Dragan

Not at all, and i wouldn't consider it off topic at all.

Miss Fluff

What a sad situation:(
To be honest there's very little you can do, going to the Guards could merely fuel his rage and make life even more hellish for your girlfriend and family. You HAVE to encourage her and her mother to take steps. First step is talking to these people http://www.womensaid.ie/
Good Luck x

The Sweeper

OP, go to the Gardai.

Pop round the station some time when it's quiet and nobody will see you, and ask the desk copper if you can have a chat about something. Explain everything. Don't embellish anything. Don't make anything up. And be honest - you're worried for the safety of these people and you don't know what to do.

The legal system faces enormous difficulties in domestic abuse cases. One of those difficulties can come from trying to press charges which seem to come 'out of the blue'. Picture it - you try and get a barring order against your husband/father for what you maintain is a decade of physical, mental and emotional abuse, including threats, physical violence, emotional cruelty, might include thumps, kicks, shouting, sleep deprivation, manipulation and so on. But you've never said anything to the police in the last ten years about what's going on.

And they want to know why you haven't said anything about it until now...

It is very important to have a record of domestic abuse - be it keeping an abuse diary, reporting incidents to the Gardai or whatever. Start the diary and see if your girlfriend will help you keep it. You can stash it round your house so he never finds it. Pretend to her that it's to help her deal with what's happening. I'm not suggesting you then go to the police with it - I'm just saying that starting to actually track what's happening to her can be the first step in accepting that this isn't normal, nice, happy families, and that it won't just stop happening.

It may also help her get some perspective on what's happening to her - seeing "Tuesday: dad had some drinks, got angry. Kicked and punched. Threatened to go after Bob with a knife" in black and white is very different to the sort of hazy confusion you can find yourself in after a domestic incident - that sort of "Oh God is it my fault, I shouldn't make him angry, I shouldn't do [whatever it was that set him off], I should know better". The very fact that violence isn't "normal" behaviour is what can make it difficult to deal with - it's not normal, therefore what am I doing to deserve it?

Lastly, this must be very, very difficult for you. I really feel for you having this sort of thing in your life, especially when it's through your girlfriend, who you love, and with her father as someone that you don't really have any control or influence over.

Is there anyone in your own family who you can speak to about this, who'll be supportive of you, and not judgemental? You don't want them saying "well you've to stop seeing your girlfriend" but you may need them on your side if things escalate and her drunken, violent father ends up on your doorstep.... (Also, if you go to the Gardai and the above DOES happen, there's a better chance of them knowing who you are when you phone them to get him the hell away from your house!)

LegacyUser

Many thanks all for the advice.

To be honest, i've been going through hell the last few days with stuff going through my head.

Going to the police has been on the front of my mind since.. but i really don't want to do it against my girlfriend's wishes. And if he ever found out, things would just get worse.

And i don't want to be responsible in breaking up my girlfriend's family - it's up to herself and the rest of the family to decide what to do about the situation.

I know the main reason the incident happened the other night was because this man loves to believe he's in control - and when he finally had someone speak up and stand up for my girlfriend, it really angered him.

She won't move out with me... i know she won't leave her family. But if anything even minor happens again, i'm dragging her kicking and screaming out of the house.

The only thing that worries me now is the fact i'm outta the house.. if i wasn't there the other day, i really am terrified as to how far it could have went.

Regarding keeping a diary of everything that happens.. he doesn't get violent very often. But angry words do typically occur after a night out.. but not exactly a prosecutable offence.

She went home on Saturday night and her father is now acting as if nothing happened but she's ignoring him, as is most of the family as far as i know.

When my girlfriend showed me the bruise on her arm yesterday, i was actually about to break down as i really don't know what to do. I want to go the police and say something - but i can't go against my girlfriend and her family's wishes and in time, break up a family. Even if they're unhappy, i can't have that hanging over my head the rest of my life.

All i know is if i see that man again.. i can't be responsible for my actions.

No-one in my family would really listen to me about this - hence why i'm here. I had to get advice from someone and i am a regular contributor on Boards with a couple of thousands of posts to my name. And i do considering consulting advice on here as the closest thing to discussing it with a family member.

I'm gonna muse over all advice given here and think about what to do next but i don't know if i have much choices. I've had 2 sleepless nights and expecting a third tonight.

Thank you all for the support and kind words. It really means a lot. My girlfriend seems to have let it wash over her but i'm determined not to let it.

Thanks again all.

Dragan

Also an important thing is that you do not let this situation make you feel helpless. You can help, it just may take a little time for the best way to do so to present itself.

Remember, you are most likely the only thing getting your g/f through all this in one piece right now.

LegacyUser

Dragan wrote:

Also an important thing is that you do not let this situation make you feel helpless. You can help, it just may take a little time for the best way to do so to present itself.

I agree with you there!

Don't know exactly what to do with the current situtation i'm in. But if i let it slide and it happens again, will it be worse next time? I told my girlfriend that if she's in the house and she knows her parents are in the pub to come up to my house and stay there for a couple of hours no questions asked. But if she'll do it is another story.

Dragan wrote:

Remember, you are most likely the only thing getting your g/f through all this in one piece right now.

I try to be there to support her the best i can - but she's all apologetic telling me "she's so sorry" for what happened. What's she apologising for? It's that sick SOB torturing her and her family who should be apologising.

Oh, and i had my phone in my pocket on Saturday night and ever since it happened, i've been thinking why couldn't i have recorded the audio on it? At least then it would be some evidence to go by.

I had a terrible thought in my mind last night regarding giving her an ultimatum. Either leave the house immediately and move in with me or report this to the cops. Otherwise, i'd leave her. Because as long as i'm in the picture, he will keep using me against her.

Now, this ultimatum just wandered through my head for a couple of moments but i couldn't leave her as i do sincerally love her and couldn't bear to see her alone with that man still in the house.

Cheers for that Dragan. Did put my current situation somewhat in perspective.

Dragan

NO worries dude, and i would advise against the ultimatum, it will only be more drama for the poor girl.

As i said, i went through this too and it was help, i had to play it real cool and several times came close to losing it, but that would have made me no better than him, you see???

I suggest that the next time she apologises for it, you try and get her to talk about thinks, like what will happen when you eventually move in together???

It sounds to me like you have a good strong relationship and she must realise that this will eventually happen. She needs to see that at some point she will need to leave home, right now she feels like she needs to be there to protect the rest of her family almost, or at least divert some of the attention from them.

She needs to see that if they all stand together they can get the better of him, and you need to slowly convince her of this, of her own strenght.

Best of luck dude, it's tough, but man, you sound like your in love so i reckon you can do it.

Victor

Take you girlfriend to a doctor. Have her examined and a record kept.

Try talking to one of the organisations dealing with family abuse. See what advice they can give.

Take a look here: http://www.oasis.gov.ie/relationships/separation_divorce/barring_safety_and_protection_orders.html?search=abuse+family