Am I wrong

xzanti

Ok my friend split from her bf after 3 years together last weekend and I went up to see her during the week (last week) brought her up a box of chocs to try cheer her up etc... Anyway I texted her on Wednesday asking how she was and she never wrote back... Wrote to her again Sat morning asking if she was ok etc.. again no reply.. and I was getting reports...

Needless to say I was a bit hurt so I wrote her an email this morning and asked if I had said or done anything to p*ss her off and that I was hurt that she was ignoring my messages...

The only thing I can think of that might have annoyed her is that my bf went to visit her ex the night before I went up to her and she hadnt heard anything from him since he dumped her in a fairly cruel way and I was thinking maybe she felt our loyalties lied with her and not the ex... who has always been friendly with my bf as we used to go out as couples a lot.. Which is a bit unfair because my bf is his own person and hes not going to stop speaking to him because they have split.. I agree that he could have handled the break up better but thats between them...

So anyway her reply to that was basically that I was selfish and how could I be so cruel to her in her time of misery etc and she had enough to deal with without me "on her back" as she put it... I just feel so hurt that she would refer to my concern for her as being "on her back" I think Iv always been a good friend to her and its not like shes bed ridden and has turned into a recluse because the night I was up with her she was planning on going out with another friend of hers on Friday for a night on the rip...

As I said to her in a later email today.. I have been through break ups in the past and I still took the time to reply to friends text messages, and even if shes not in the form for chatting a simple message to say "Look Im not feeling great right now, I'll catch you again"??? In times like these I would take comfort in my friends not reject them as I feel she has done to me..

Like I said in the title.. Am I wrong? Am I being unreasonable here?

All views welcome... Iv been kind of second guessing myself this evening too cause I feel this may be the end of our friendship and we used to be very close... Id hate to think I overreacted with her cause I know this is a horrible time for her but like I said if she could plan a night on the tiles with her other friend why couldnt she justs reply to my txts??

Nasty_Girl

your friend is obviously very hurt over a three year relationship that has ended in "a cruel way".
Even though on the surface she's planning to go on the rip etc, she's probably shattered on the inside and sometimes people don't feel like talking.
I have a friend who dissappears off the face of the planet everytime she has a fight with her boyfriend, i don't hear from her for weeks.

She shouldn't've reacted the way she did, but she is probably just very upset and confused at the moment, 3 years is a long time.

If I were you I'd just say that you didn't mean to antagonise her, you just wanted to make sure she was ok.
After that its up to her.

I wouldn't be so quick to write her off as a friend just yet, she is going through a tough time and everyone handles it differently.
You sound like you're a good friend and she'll realise that.

xzanti

I wouldn't be so quick to write her off as a friend just yet, she is going through


Yeah I dont want to write her off as a friend, if the friendship is coming to an end it will be from her end not mine.. Shes a very sensitive person and I get the feeling she doesnt bury the hatchet too handy Iv never had a falling out with her before so this is new ground for me, I feel awful

Nasty_Girl

Its not your fault, you did what you thought was right.
She'll just need some time.

AARRRGH

Hmmmmm.

You meant well.
The friend interpreted this as something else.

I hate when this happens

Tell her she has misunderstood something, you've had good intentions in everything you've done, and she's being silly to be angry with you when you're 100% on her side!

No doubt her head is wrecked at the moment, possibly bordering on insane, so be extra patient and nice...

Sorry to hear!

CathyMoran

Your friend is obviously going through a horrible time - while that is no excuse to treat you badly she is probably all over the place - they say that you always hurt those closest to you and this appears to be the case here. I would just give her some time and continue to support her - it is certainly not worth loosing a friend over this - am sure that she will appologise with time.

Ishindar

I wouldnt take treatment like that from anyone in any situation, she is more than taking u for granted here she is calling u a menace. i would re evaluate what i call a friend/acquantance

AARRRGH

Ishindar wrote:

I wouldnt take treatment like that from anyone in any situation, she is more than taking u for granted here she is calling u a menace. i would re evaluate what i call a friend/acquantance

Ahhh... she just broke up with her long term boyfriend. Her world has probably fallen apart. While I dislike when people are not civil and polite to each other, I think there are certain moments when you have to be patient and forgiving with people. This is one of them!!

xzanti

Cheers for your comments... I think all I can do here is let the dust settle and maybe give her a bell in a few weeks when things are a bit more normal again...

dundalk cailin

yea my friend broke up with her bf a couple of weeks ago, 2 days before her birthday (they werent going out near as long as ur friend and ex) but she texted me saying she wished i was there, etc etc.. now i cant do much from here, but i emailed and texted her, no reply. i let her be for a while, and she texted me later.. it didnt seem so bad to me cos im not at home, but OP, u seem like a good friend and hopefully ur friend will realise that in time, she probably lashing out at people to curb her anger / depression / sadness at breakin up, and ur bf being friends with her ex, prob makes her feel worse

LegacyUser

Honestly you need to cop on and stop being selfish.

After going out with someone for three years your friend is obviously going through emotional tormoil. If you're a true friend:

1. Don't get p*ssed off with her unless she does something completely stupid.
2. Understand that she's going to be in bad moods.
3. Understand that, even if she acts like it, she's not pissed off at you, if you have patience with her she will more than likely be very greatly appreciative when she's gotten over him.
4. Send her a text saying sorry for being selfish, give me a buzz if you want me at any stage.
5. Bring her out on a night out, keep an eye on her in case she does anything she'll regret(i.e. take her phone off her if she's drinking), but make sure she'll enjoy herself.

Think about it this way, in a time like this if the same had happened to you, you'd want unconditional support from your friends. I'm sure she's feeling very lonely, a big part of her life has been cut out and thrown away. DO NOT IGRNORE HER! From past experience the worst thing that can happen to you after a breakup is that you feel isolated from your friends.


I hate to be harsh, but anyones whose been through something similar will understand.

annR

I have to say I do think that you took too much offence because she didn't reply to your texts.

>>Needless to say I was a bit hurt so I wrote her an email this morning and asked if I had said or done anything to p*ss her off and that I was hurt that she was ignoring my messages... <<

Just cos she's going thru a bad time and didn't reply to your texts, she's hurt you . . . Can't you put her hurt before your hurt and give her a break out of kindness and understanding. You did get 'on her back' about it.

>>Send her a text saying sorry for being selfish, give me a buzz if you want me at any stage.<<

I agree with this.

BigCon

What is it with people nowdays - can't anyone ring and talk anymore?

xzanti

To reply to the last few replies.. I have just been talking to a mutual friend of ours and she basically told me that she was speaking to her on Sunday and she comfirmed my suspicions that she is in fact p*ssed off over the fact that my boyfriend went to visit her ex.. Which has absolutely nothing to do with me.. So I was not imagining it.. She was simply ignoring me...

I should also add that the mutual friend she was speaking to is not even a great friend of hers and yet she took the time to ring her and chat to her about me....

So I think ill give her a wide birth for the time being...

Cheers

WhiteWashMan

dublindude wrote:

You meant well.
The friend interpreted this as something else.
!

yeah, so do i. its really annoying

dublindude wrote:

Tell her she has misunderstood something, you've had good intentions in everything you've done, and she's being silly to be angry with you when you're 100% on her side!
!

oh, no doubt she will come back with something stupid like 'Lame reply' :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

dublindude wrote:

No doubt her head is wrecked at the moment, possibly bordering on insane, so be extra patient and nice...

yeah, be nice!

im sure the OP didnt do anything wrong, and that her friend is just upset over the break up. probably has a lot on her mind.

perhaps the OP just worded what she had to say wrong, and the friend took it up the wrong way. it happens. i certainly wouldnt lose any sleep over it.

Nasty_Girl

xzanti wrote:

To reply to the last few replies.. I have just been talking to a mutual friend of ours and she basically told me that she was speaking to her on Sunday and she comfirmed my suspicions that she is in fact p*ssed off over the fact that my boyfriend went to visit her ex.. Which has absolutely nothing to do with me.. So I was not imagining it.. She was simply ignoring me...

I should also add that the mutual friend she was speaking to is not even a great friend of hers and yet she took the time to ring her and chat to her about me....

So I think ill give her a wide birth for the time being...

Cheers

She's confused.
Her boyfriend of three years dumped her in a cruel way, and the four of you used to hang out didn't you?
Some people when they're dumped get it in to their head that they've failled or something because their relationship broke down. Its kinda weird but maybe thats the case?
She's probably extremely defensive of what people are thinking of her right now and probably has it in her head that you and your fella are talking about her behind her back, are closer to her x than she is and she's jealous, or know more about the break up than she feels she does etc.

Of course this isn't your fault but she'll see that in time. She's probably confiding with this other friend because the other friend is not linked to the x?

Just let her know you're there if she wants ya, and leave it at that.

xzanti

Nasty_Girl wrote:

She's confused.
Her boyfriend of three years dumped her in a cruel way, and the four of you used to hang out didn't you?
Some people when they're dumped get it in to their head that they've failled or something because their relationship broke down. Its kinda weird but maybe thats the case?
She's probably extremely defensive of what people are thinking of her right now and probably has it in her head that you and your fella are talking about her behind her back, are closer to her x than she is and she's jealous, or know more about the break up than she feels she does etc.

Of course this isn't your fault but she'll see that in time. She's probably confiding with this other friend because the other friend is not linked to the x?

Just let her know you're there if she wants ya, and leave it at that.

That actually makes a lot of sense... Its just been so long since Iv fallen out with any friend, I dont have a huge circle of friends, just a few close ones and I feel like Im losing one of them right now

In retrospect maybe I should have just kept it to myself that my bf was up with hers.. but it was so early in the breakup, like a day or two, that I was thinking they'd end up getting back together and he would tell her anyway and then she would be wondering why I didnt tell her... Its just a big mess at the moment...