falling for a mate? oops

LegacyUser

undercover for this one. I know I should be able to answer this for myself, but just want some objective opinions on: "what to do when you fall for a friend".

so without giving too many details in case im identified!! I have fallen for one of my good mates, really badly. To the point that spending time with this person makes me feel so good/happy/etc and I really look forward to it. Problem being that NOTHING will EVER happen with this person. IT CANNOT. I cant explain why, it just won't. However, the more time I spend the person, the more I am falling for them. What do I do... lose a friend and save my own sanity? or just keep torturing myself??

advice pls? i just dont know what to do anymore bout this. I am sure there are plenty of threads on this already but cant search - sorry

The Troll

Try asking it a bit more vaguely. Might clear things up a bit.

BeardyGit

I'm not being a smart-ass, just need to ask:

What sex are you?
What sex is your friend?
What is your sexual preference?

Honestly, I'm not being funny - But the answers will determine what type of honest advice I could give.

Cheers,

Gil

BoozyBabe

Bit busy to post right now but how can we help if you can't tell us why you can't be with her??

Was in same situation (from what I can tell from yours, which isn't much)

I pursued it & am now in happy relationship with said friend.

It can happen.

Maccattack

I'd give it a shot. To say you'd lose a friend is a cliche.

Whats she/he gonna say? "Uhm I cant be your friend now, coz you kinda fancy me"

Paleeeezze...

Cant be much of a friend if they did that. Just say 'you know what, I think youre kinda cool. If I ever got with one of my mates it'd be you' or if yr too chicken throw in 'someone like you'

See what they say. It'll be good for ya. Gowan lifes too short.


Gowaaaannn.

The Troll

I had a friend who i was extremely close to for 2years or so. Saw each other every day, spent loads and loads of time together. Eventually we both realised what was happening and as a result lost the friendship we had. In retrospect, I ask myself if I was friends with her because i fancied her or if I fancied her because we were such good friends. probably the former. Really depends how much you value his/her friendship.

Note: Myself and girl in question aren't friends anymore, even though we both live on the same road.

LegacyUser

Gil_Dub wrote:

What sex are you?
What sex is your friend?
What is your sexual preference?

I'm female, friend is male. (Pref, straight on both counts) Sorry about the lack of detail, I realise it is hard to give advice with so little to go on, but if I give anymore people will recognise me or worse.

'Go for it' is not an option. I try not to make my interest obvious but I am sure he suspects it. We both just pretend everything is normal, well I TRY.

WhiteWashMan

so you want this person, they are a good friend, but you cant do anything about it?

erm, in that case, youre stuck.

id advise hanging around some other people, get yourself a boy/girl friend, or just go for broke and tell this person how you feel.

otherwise you will just remain unhappy and will watch as this person either starts seeing someone, or continues to see someone.

ferdi

more info tbh

Canis Lupus

To the OP are you saying your mate wouldn't go for you or for some reason you are you saying there is a reason why you don't want it to happen?

Anyway your in a hell of a position. My opinion on the matter is to keep quiet and let it tear you apart on the inside Seriously tho if you reckon your mate won't go for you there is no point in spilling your guts and being rejected. It's not THAT hard to be friends with someone you like alot.

LegacyUser

In a somewhat similar situation (from what I can tell from the post). She is my best friend - only person I trust - and I'm in love with her.. She knows about it, and there is virtually no hope of anything ever happening, which hurts. (she sees me in the really good friend way). That plus the fact that she's extremely flirty by nature and alot of other guys like her too - a good few of whom she's interested in.

I care about her too much to, as you said, just let the friendship dissappear. For a few reasons - she's the nicest person in the world, she would never ever hurt somebody intentionally, and without her I'd have nobody to turn to. Also I'd hurt her too badly - I've promised a good few times that I'll never just throw the friendship away...

I'm gonna just suppress it, hopefully let the attraction die after a while leaving only the friend part. I've beaten far worse before. Gave up a long time ago on trying to get with her. (that said if she did suddenly develop similar feelings for me I wouldn't block them..). In the meantime I'm just purposely concentrating on other girls - something might happen with one of them and that might just be the push needed.

I know it's a drain on sanity... seeing her with other guys (a good few of whom you know are complete **** but just can't tell her that) is torture, seeing her get her heart broken again and again by other guys is even worse. Thinking about her for EVERYTHING... if its got anything to do with friends stuff, romantic stuff, sexual thoughts - they all involve her..... just a matter of holding out until the attraction has destroyed itself..which I'm expecting to be an extremely long time.

Oh yeah... might be coincidence but I've found that the most difficult days youll go through with this happen when you're very tired. Sleep if you can. It helps (i know sometimes this is what keeps you awake though..)

LegacyUser

thanks unregged visitor.. sounds just like me tbh.

this guy knows too I am sure. we just dont talk about it. The flirting is mutual, so when i say IT CANT HAPPEN thats not cos of me, its because of someone else, ie his gf!
I know the best thing for both of us is for me to just get a grip and get over it - im trying, but its just so hard.

WhiteWashMan

you know, i kinda worry about people who are like this.

its great to have best friends and all that, but once you get into a situation like this, you cant win.

its also not fair on the other person. always having to hide the fact that you have snogged someone or that you fancy someone becuase you know its going to hurt the other person.

you become clingy and needy, and thats not right in a relationship. and especially not in one that is not going to go anywhere.

all you end up doing is putting someone on a pedastal and eventually that pedastal will break and you will get hurt.

i think people just want to hold on to something that 'used' to be there, but not longer is. people change and move on. if you are in a friends relationship, you cant stand in the way of them being happy, and you cant stand in the way of yourself being happy.
you tend to turn into bitter creatures, with endless misery.

LegacyUser

I know exactly how the OP feels... I've totally fallen for a close male friend too. In my situation, he's single... but I don't know how to tell him how I feel. I don't want to wreck our friendship, but I can't just go on like this...

dundalk cailin

yup think a lot of male/female friendships that were platonic result in one (or both) parties falling for the other, maybe cos they get on so well...im kinda fallin for my friend (but he's at home so its not so bad) but its such an awkward position cos im sure he knows that i like him, dunno what he thinks, cant work out from here but when i go home ill see how the land lies! OP i know how it feels to realy like your friend and have to try and act normal round them! i take it your freind has a gf?

Faith

Been there and it's a killer. I waited and bided my time for a year, until he broke up with his gf and then it all came spilling out one drunken night. To be fair, I had an idea that I might not be rejected if I told him how I felt so that helped. If he's not showing any signs of breaking up with his gf, you can either tell him and feel the relief of getting it off your chest and leave him in the awful position or do nothing and try to move on.

LegacyUser

Well I've been at both sides.

Desperately in love with someone I could never tell... eventually the feelings went away, and strange but it's the greatest thing in the world to look at that person with some perspective, to treat them as a person and talk to them as a person rather than someone you love.

But also been on the other side. Person spent ages throwing hints here and there and eventually it came out, person said they had feelings for me... didn't quite know what to say and wasn't discussed again. Think the friendship fell apart since then but I don't think it's my fault. I do/did everything to keep in touch with the person, who was probably my best friend, but when I get little reply I start asking why bother?

Either way it's hard.

LegacyUser

recently a friend of mine confessed to always having feelings for me. It was through him that I got together with my ex of 3 years, and now that it's over he decided to air his feelings. I really wish he hadn't. I am not sure why, but I just don't feel comfortable staying over at his place now, or doing things I never would have thought twice about before. I have to watch what I say, can't talk about the guy I'm meeting, and he's supposed to be my best friend. Basically, the friendship is under strain. I don't know if it will return to normal, but I really really hope so.

OP make sure you seriously think about what you are feeling. And especially when he's in a relationship, it's not a good idea at the moment to vent your emotions.. as it's only good for one person.. yourself. I'd wait.

Sorry if this sounds very negative!!! Good luck tho

jrey1981

Been there too and it is hell.

If you get a chance, go for it, but if not, then just try and divert your attention and thoughts elsewhere - this will take time.

A long time...

440Hz

I think this happens to everyone at some point, to different extents of course. I was in this position when I was in school (all those years ago), I was totally in love with my best friend, he knew it, and we were just lucky enough to be ok with that. It was not until I moved away to college and didn't see him everyday that it passed, and now 7 years later things are still great with us and I look back and wonder what it was I ever saw in him.
Been on the other side of it too though. Where one of my best mates told me how he felt. Initially I didn't know what to say, and I worried things would be awkward, but once I got some perspective and remembered this was the same best mate I always had, things were fine. The way I saw it was that I loved him to bits too, albeit platonically, I just told myself the only difference was the attraction, and things were fine.
To the OP, I know how you feel. You don't want to stop spending time with the person but you don't want to keep torturing yourself either. You prob dont want to talk to him about it (cos you say you think he knows anyway), cos talking about it will put the pressure on him, and seeing as he is your mate you prob dont wanna do that. The way I see it is if he is happy with his gf then you have to be happy for him... if he's not well... ?? Prob best for yourself to put a little distance there, at least you wont feel like you are rubbing it in!?! Good luck with it.

dundalk cailin

its as bad to be told by your friend that they have feelings for you, than to have feelings for a friend!!

aliveandkicking

dundalk cailin wrote:

its as bad to be told by your friend that they have feelings for you, than to have feelings for a friend!!

No its not, its so much worse for the person with the feelings. To be rejected by a person who loves you as a friend and gets on so well with you is IMO one of the most hurtful experiences anybody can go through.

440Hz

aliveandkicking wrote:

No its not, its so much worse for the person with the feelings. To be rejected by a person who loves you as a friend and gets on so well with you is IMO one of the most hurtful experiences anybody can go through.

Yeah I kinda agree with this tbh. Cos you have a few things to deal with a) your feelings for the person b) being rejected (if that happens) c) guilt cos you have probably caused a lot of stress by bringing it all out in the open d) stress about what you may/may not have done to the friendship.
Finding out that you are the object of unrequited love is tough for sure, but some people also find it a bit of an ego boost. So all in all, being the person with the feelings is more difficult I think.

dundalk cailin

ah yea i suppose, im in that situation as i said above, havent confronted it yet though...
i have had a friend tell me he had feelings for me, and i found it really awkward, i suppose i can compare when/if i tell my friend that i like him

Tar.Aldarion

pseudonymous wrote:

undercover for this one. I know I should be able to answer this for myself, but just want some objective opinions on: "what to do when you fall for a friend".

so without giving too many details in case im identified!! I have fallen for one of my good mates, really badly. To the point that spending time with this person makes me feel so good/happy/etc and I really look forward to it. Problem being that NOTHING will EVER happen with this person. IT CANNOT. I cant explain why, it just won't. However, the more time I spend the person, the more I am falling for them. What do I do... lose a friend and save my own sanity? or just keep torturing myself??

advice pls? i just dont know what to do anymore bout this. I am sure there are plenty of threads on this already but cant search - sorry

Oh my how I feel for you.... this happens to a lot of people, once or twice to me.
I choose the torturing myself bit because it is preferable to losing the person each time.
I suggest you tell this person about everything and they should understand.
It will be a great weight off your chest and they will stop doing or saying things in front of you that rip you apart. Well at least try to.
I also suggest, get some sleep if you can.
Going without sleep without days weeks or whatever will not help, hey I know how hard it is to go to sleep sometimes but you had better. Also don't let college and things slip because it is a very big regret you will have.
Big hypocrite here but you should still try those things even if you can't do them.
Repression may not be the healthiest thing to do and some days you may crack up but if you want to keep your freind I think that is the best thing you can do. I always just try to cut things completely out of my mind and focus on something else that is annoying me, depressing me or making me feel happy.

Swiftwind

Hmmm it's such a sticky situation to be in but I honestly think you should just tell him how you feel, if your friendship is strong enough it will survive even if he does not feel the same about you.
Were you friends before you started to have feeling for him or was it lust/love at first sight for you? If it was lust/love at first sight then you better tell him becasue this felling will take forever to go away, even if you find someone else there will be times when you look back regretting not saying something & always wondering "what if...".
I am speaking from experience, I really liked this guy before I even spoke to him, when we became friends it got harder to just be his friend because of my feeling for him. After 3!! years I plucked up the courage to tell him (needed some dutch courage first through - alcohol) & he said he felt the same way, we spent about 3 mths together but in the end our friendship was stronger than our feelings & the "relationship" just kind of fizzled out & now 2 years later we are still good friends. You never know what will happen until to take that step!!:)
Hope it all works out, whatever you choose to do!!:)

LegacyUser

I'm in the exact opposite situation; there's a girl I'm friends with and I'm extremely attracted to her. Luckily, I can't talk to her that much because I get really nervous around her. Anyway, I have a girlfriend so there's a bit of an obstacle.

Things can get pretty messy in these situations but my policy is honesty so just let him know. Say you think you're getting a bit too close to him and you'd like to take a step back, just to look after your own back (keeping being friends with him will just drive you demented). Then the worst that can happen is he says, "ok" and you can go and get over him. The opposite scenario is that he says, "no, I have feelings for you too and I want something to happen", he breaks up with the gf, and you live happily ever after.

Font22

i think the phrase "time heals" really is true. the guy is otherwise involved and from what i know its never wise to get caught in the middle of stuff like that.you'll be one of many people that will get hurt. in fact you will prob hurt more than anyone. dont turn your back on him but turn your back on that particular situation