Lonely Hurt and Worried

LegacyUser

Ive a number of problems at the moment and I have just lost all interest in everything. My Mam is extremely ill, My sisters husband has left her and 2 kids and my own girlfriend left me after 5 years 6 months ago. Ive missed a few days in work, I havent got what some would consider decent friends, my financial status isn't the greatest(had to move back home). My girlfriend leaving me took everything out of me, miss my girl so much. She felt our lives were going seperate ways and I havent seen her in 4 months. When my Mother fell ill I just didnt know how to react. Im being strong at home because of Mams illness, but deep down I want to burst into tears. Really weak.

Saw a councellor about the whole situation but it felt like a questions and answers session and thats it. No benifit to me. I really could of done with X beside me, I think the comfort of having someone who cares and knows me through this crap would help. Was extremely dissapointed with the sessions in councelling. Feel like Im loosing my mind

Dragan

So lose it.

For five seconds, every day, allow yourself to lose your mind, just make sure you pull yourself back after those five seconds.

You gotta give the pain room to breath, keep trying to crush it down and it will kick your ass.

Give it a tiny part of each day, then move on.

One day you will forget to give it that little part of your day and you won't even know it.

Tiriel

Have to say I totally agree with Dragan ^^ That's brilliant advice. Someone told me to do that when I was after a break up with my ex of almost 6 years. It does help to control how you feel.

It is really hard to be strong for your family when you feel so weak inside. A counsellor can't wave a magic wand unfortunately, but it does give you the chance to say how you are really feeling, let everything out. Especially when you have to put up a front at home. I think you should keep it up, even if it doesn't seem to be helping now, it's much healthier not to bottle it up.

Best wishes

Nevyn

Councelling is a process and it can take some time to find a councellor that
you are comfortible working with and opening up with otherwise it is just
a q&a session recounting events in your life. Don't give up on it just yet...

b3t4

Along the lines of what Dragon suggested which I think is a excellent idea.

Get a pillow wack it against a wall. You will feel daft doing it at first but it's amazing how much relief you can get from it.

Another suggestion would be to write down everything you feel. If you are worried about people finding it burn the paper afterwards.

A.

hullaballoo

I have to say Dragon has pretty much hit the old nail on the head. Just take it *\*\*\CRAZAY/*/*/* (OMG that was so gay) for a bit, it really helps to ease the tension.

I've had moments where I've gone into hysterics and just let fly and it keeps me cool for at least a few days.

Best of luck with it and just remember everyone has tough times, so EVERYone here will know how you're feeling. There's plenty of support for you.

Dax Wax

loosing your girl at a time like this must be horrible, and its very hard to stay strong but if I was to be brutally honest thats the only option you have is to stay positive and strong for your family. Surely youve got some friends to lean on? Its hard but tell yourself you can do it and stay strong man.

If your not a pillow puncher, take out the ball and drive at the wall. works for me.

bestaluck and I hope your Mam gets better

LegacyUser

Im actually proud of myself in a odd way, I find it very hard to deal with he truth. the fact that my girl is gone, my jobs a joke, i live at home again with a worried Dad and a sick mam. I think I can keep up the brave face, and i have 'lost it' when nobody is around. But things just go from bad to worse, and if I have to tell myself everone has their problems and it will get better in time one more time i'll completely lose the rag.

I also hate admitting it but the thing that got me down the most was my girl leaving me for no reason. Im mad at myself as I see my Ma not doing so good, but I know I cant help feelin selfish because MY heart was broken.

I was lying in bed one night and a terrible thought flashed through my mind, something that I wouldnt wish but it did enter my head. I thought that if my Mam where to pass away that my old girl would take pity on me. What a shocking thing to think of. I hate myself for even thinking it. I would never wish that on my Mam or family, but my girl was part of my family too. Its weird not having her their to fall back on.

DublinWriter

Lonely guy, I know it's bleak and difficult, but there are no quick-fixes, no magic-cures and no easy answers.

The most and best you can do is be truthful to yourself, confront your emotions and try and hold it together at the same time and go about your daily life. It's a difficult balancing act.

Most of all, learn to forgive in time.

Good luck dude.

AARRRGH

LonelyGuy wrote:

Ive a number of problems at the moment and I have just lost all interest in everything. My Mam is extremely ill, My sisters husband has left her and 2 kids and my own girlfriend left me after 5 years 6 months ago. Ive missed a few days in work, I havent got what some would consider decent friends, my financial status isn't the greatest(had to move back home). My girlfriend leaving me took everything out of me, miss my girl so much. She felt our lives were going seperate ways and I havent seen her in 4 months. When my Mother fell ill I just didnt know how to react. Im being strong at home because of Mams illness, but deep down I want to burst into tears. Really weak.

So...

broke up
financial problems
damaged ego from having to move home
ill family member
another family member having problems
feel like you're losing it

OK...

IMO you need to forget about the things you can't change and focus on fixing the things you can (otherwise you're just going to feel overwhelmed - like you do now.)

broke up - there is nothing you can do except let time heal this one. as I always say, getting laid has always helped me get over ex's! (moves the mind to a new girl and boosts confidence)

financial problems - we've all got financial problems you know yourself what you have to do regarding this issue. if not, check out www.mabs.ie. if it makes you feel any better, i've got some pretty viscious financial problems at the moment (long story) but i realise there is little i can do about it except be patient (i.e. paying off bits every month), so i don't worry about it.

damaged ego - well your mother is sick so you can't really move out yet (or can you?) but i think it would be a good idea to move back out as soon as possible. there are places around the city with cheap rent (students manage somehow.) i moved back home for about 6 months about 2 years ago. i know how you feel regarding this one. it sucks.

ill family member - there is nothing you can do about this except be nice to your mother. stop beating yourself up.

another family member having problems - there is absolutely nothing you can do about this. be nice to your sister but don't take her problems on board.

feel like you're losing it - yeah, know the feeling! but you're just going through a bad patch. do a little bit everyday to improve your situation and with time you'll find things are getting dramatically better.

DO NOT start feeling sorry for yourself. DO NOT start blaming other people for your problems. TAKE ACTION to sort things out. realistically the only problem which is "yours" and which you can control is your financial issues and living back at home with the folks. the other stuff is out of your hands, so maybe back off a bit on those, and focus on the ones which you are in control of.

and try to go out and make new friends/meet women. a really easy way is to start learning a new language (or improve a language you already know) by going to the ilac centre (i'm assuming you're a dub) on saturdays and practicing your language skills with the hot foreign women. you'll make friends and most likely get laid.

sorry to hear about your situation. but really, stop taking so much on board and try to sort out the things you can sort out.

Victor

LonelyGuy wrote:

I was lying in bed one night and a terrible thought flashed through my mind, something that I wouldnt wish but it did enter my head. I thought that if my Mam where to pass away that my old girl would take pity on me.

We can't decide what will flash in front of out minds. Its more what you entertain that counts.

OY

LonelyGuy wrote:

I was lying in bed one night and a terrible thought flashed through my mind, something that I wouldnt wish but it did enter my head. I thought that if my Mam where to pass away that my old girl would take pity on me. What a shocking thing to think of. I hate myself for even thinking it. I would never wish that on my Mam or family, but my girl was part of my family too. Its weird not having her their to fall back on.

You are not a terrible person for thinking this. Just a person in a rut. And when people are in ruts like yours they think these kind of thoughts. They are not awful and it is not difficult to understand where they come from.. do not hate yourself. You know that it is not what you want to happen but at the moment you need something to happen, something to change.

I agree with Dublindude that there are somethings that you can work on and some you cannot. Personally i get the impression that it is your girl that is causing most grief, there are a lot of other things that suck but some are not your fault (mam) and some you can change if you put in some work (job).

Sounds to me like you are really struggling to get over this girl and i am not sure if getting laid is the solution. I do not mean this mean at all but it sounds like you are a needy person and right now you need to figure out how to not be needy.

It just sucks that at the time in your life when you need to let go and be more self secure there is so much going on externally.

Good luck! And do not give up on counselling, if you do not like the one you are with then go somewhere else. Not all counsellers are the same, some will sit, ask questions and probe, some will teach you how to do things and challenge.

LegacyUser

thanks all for replying. I saw my ex girl outside a shopping centre this morning, on her own standing there. It felt weird. I walked the whole way around the centre the long way to get back to work so she wouldnt see me. I know i would fall to pieces if she saw me.

My other sister has moved back home to look after my Dad and when Mam comes home. The sister thats having marrage probs is seein a councellor to I hear this morning. So may be things will pick up. People in work are beginning to see this mask Im putting on and are very helpful and nice to me (for a change!)

Heyes

LonelyGuy wrote:

thanks all for replying. I saw my ex girl outside a shopping centre this morning, on her own standing there. It felt weird. I walked the whole way around the centre the long way to get back to work so she wouldnt see me. I know i would fall to pieces if she saw me.

My other sister has moved back home to look after my Dad and when Mam comes home. The sister thats having marrage probs is seein a councellor to I hear this morning. So may be things will pick up. People in work are beginning to see this mask Im putting on and are very helpful and nice to me (for a change!)

Im glad to see things are looking a little brighter. Its very tough when things in life feel like there all getting on top of you. As for your breakup, that will take time to get over, but please give yourself this time.

LegacyUser

I noticed another thread there about making friends. I'd like to do that also, I dropped all my social life for my girl, both of us did as you do! Im do miss my girl but the bridges are all burnt, for what and why I dont know

Heyes

LonelyGuy wrote:

I noticed another thread there about making friends. I'd like to do that also, I dropped all my social life for my girl, both of us did as you do! Im do miss my girl but the bridges are all burnt, for what and why I dont know

would you think of getting in touch with old friends again and seeing how they are. When in a relationship friends can be lost because you may spend so much time with your other half, and forget the time you may have spent with friends. I say get up, and get in touch with friends, you may suprise yourself how quickly things might change for you

LegacyUser

Heyes wrote:

would you think of getting in touch with old friends again and seeing how they are. When in a relationship friends can be lost because you may spend so much time with your other half, and forget the time you may have spent with friends. I say get up, and get in touch with friends, you may suprise yourself how quickly things might change for you

yeah I have, but I feel like a twat after ditching them (there wasnt much anyway). They all have their girlfriends/boyfriends now. I screwed up really.

Heyes

LonelyGuy wrote:

yeah I have, but I feel like a twat after ditching them (there wasnt much anyway). They all have their girlfriends/boyfriends now. I screwed up really.

There is no need to feel like a "twat"... these things happen. I really dont like to see people forget there friends when they get involved in relationships. But remember these people are your friends, and just say sorry, and arrange to meet up, and really make that effort to do so. Its tough, but it will be worth it for you.

LegacyUser

OY wrote:

Sounds to me like you are really struggling to get over this girl and i am not sure if getting laid is the solution. I do not mean this mean at all but it sounds like you are a needy person and right now you need to figure out how to not be needy.

It just sucks that at the time in your life when you need to let go and be more self secure there is so much going on externally.

I wouldnt say needy, but it was great having a beautiful girl who adored me and was my bestfriend also. My Mam loved her to bits as did all my family. It woudl be nice to have a personal life, a few mates, my girlfriend back and my family okay. Not alot to ask but they say no magic wands to make that happen. Now I see myself as a lonely person, no friends at all(any that I had have moved on got their own lives),really insecure and down.

If I am a needy person who's world just fell apart, how do you go about building it? I have no energy to do anything out of ordinary. all I is to look after things at home as best I can and earn every penny I can, oh yea go home every night to an empty bed.

hullaballoo

LonelyGuy wrote:

yeah I have, but I feel like a twat after ditching them (there wasnt much anyway). They all have their girlfriends/boyfriends now. I screwed up really.

Everyone I know "ditches" their friends to some extent when they get serious with someone else, it's completely normal. So if your friends are worth their salt, they'll recognise this and will forgive you for it. I would say it's probably a non-issue with them insofar as they just accept it (unless you turned around and told them categorically where to go).

I'd work on getting in touch with them for an odd social or two, or even meet some other people like go to the boards beers or join a club/team of whatever you're interested in.

You're simply stuck in a rut that you need to get out of (having said that, it's probably the last thing you want to hear because for most people, including myself, when one is down, one only believes on will stay down forever). The only way to get out of this is to deal with it in a constructive way. Perhaps you should talk it out with someone you don't know?

AARRRGH

hullaballoo wrote:

Everyone I know "ditches" their friends to some extent when they get serious with someone else, it's completely normal.

Yes, I totally agree. It's happened to us all.

It'll take time to remake your old friendships, but it can be done.

Just stay positive! Think of the glass half full. I'm sure a huge percentage of the world would love to be in your situation (i.e. anywhere but the AIDS ridden shack they live in.)

Stay positive.

LegacyUser

God you making me feel bad now! the things that get to me most is that my Mam never did a thing wrong in her life and I hate seein her like this. What really frustrates me also is that my former girlfriend has made new friends and a new life, took advantage of life, like what all goodlooking girls do. While good old me in d shthouse, it really makes me angry! I did nothing wrong also.

I want to talk about it most of the time, but to whom? I read your relpies about getting old friends back but trust me its just not like that. Im talkin really old friends, people 6 or 7 years ago. there really is nobody else other than my family and people at work (most snobs!). Where do you go to talk? my experience of councelling is a joke, dont really have the money anyhow. Samaritons, rang them twice, most of them are elderly and all there worried about is if I were to top myself(which I never would).

Looking into getting a better job, hoping Mam will get better, and after that ?????????????????????????

AARRRGH

LonelyGuy wrote:

yeah I have, but I feel like a twat after ditching them (there wasnt much anyway). They all have their girlfriends/boyfriends now. I screwed up really.

I've been thinking about this. If you're stuck, PM me and I'll let you know when I'm next heading out with a big group (regular occurance.) You're very welcome to come along. I'm in Dublin City Centre.

^CwAzY^

LonelyGuy go to the next boards beer they look like a good place to meet ppl - will probably go to the next 1 myself.. Or take up on dublindude's idea :v: Seems like a nice guy.. We all have nights we wanna go out but our friends are too busy/sick/washing their hair/etc

patchouli

Hey there LonelyGuy.

I am very sorry to hear what you are going through at this time.

I am not in a good place myself these days. I split with my bf of five years, six weeks ago. Also I quit my job(which wasn't permanent anyway, but what's done is done). And I moved back with my parents, which having just turned 30 is embarrassing and a real blow to the "ego", pride, dignity, whatever you want to call it.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to think positive, and whenever I can't, I just do something mindnumbing like watch dvds all night, or something...

Slowly, I'm beginning to remember some of the bad stuff about him. Thinking back, I made some mistakes too - I'm reflecting on these and hoping to learn from them, so that I don't repeat them, if I'm ever lucky enough to find love again...

I'm still not at all over him - I miss so much about him - and he keeps flashing into my mind(bastard!!!) but I realise now that by torturing myself with thinking the same things over and over - the what if's, the wishing to turn back time etc - only keeps me in the same horrible place.

Today is probably the first day that I've kinda stepped back a bit from the situation in my thoughts and began to at least try to think about how I would/could(will?) grow and be a better person without him in my life.

It makes it that bit more difficult for me too that like you, I don't have any friends in my life and have lost touch with any that were there before him. I was just happiest to meet the people that we met together and his friends... BIG mistake!

Not sure that my post is of any help.
But I wish you well and just remember that if you can get through this really rough phase of your life that you will grow from it and be a stronger person for it.

Firetrap

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. I can relate to a lot of what you said in your post.

Don’t lose hope. Even when things are bad, something always happens to improve things. In your case, it’s your workmates being a bit nicer, one sister moving home and another getting counselling.

It’s also important to remember that you need to look after yourself. You sound like a lovely caring guy who cares deeply about his family. However, don’t immerse yourself totally in your family’s problems – you’re not going to be much use to them if you’re in pieces. Maybe try going to a different counsellor if you think you still need to talk to someone. Take a look at your own life and see what changes you can make. How about changing your job if you’re not happy? Like someone up the thread pointed out, visit MABS to help with your finances if they’re in a mess. Join something to meet new friends (I know exactly what it’s like to have lots of paired off friends) or take up a new hobby. If you’re being proactive, it might also help you get out of your current rut. Even just change one thing at a time. Good luck!

LegacyUser

dublindude wrote:

I've been thinking about this. If you're stuck, PM me and I'll let you know when I'm next heading out with a big group (regular occurance.) You're very welcome to come along. I'm in Dublin City Centre.

Im a fair way off Dublin, thanks all the same, tis fairly sound of you to offer. Anyway I think Id feel fairly pathetic meetin new mates over net cas of pity! But honestly thanks anyway. Seem like a spot on bloke.

im just gonna give it time, Seriously thinking of goin back to college to finish a degree I left 2 years ago. Because my job is absolutely shyte.

as for my ex, I was so close to sending her a "why and how" email last night, tellin her how shytty things are here, but I know she's not the same person and the response would never be the same.

Heyes

LonelyGuy wrote:

Im a fair way off Dublin, thanks all the same, tis fairly sound of you to offer. Anyway I think Id feel fairly pathetic meetin new mates over net cas of pity! But honestly thanks anyway. Seem like a spot on bloke.

im just gonna give it time, Seriously thinking of goin back to college to finish a degree I left 2 years ago. Because my job is absolutely shyte.

as for my ex, I was so close to sending her a "why and how" email last night, tellin her how shytty things are here, but I know she's not the same person and the response would never be the same.

Ah hun i know it can be so tough, but try and refrain from sending her the email, because as you said the responce will more likely not be the responce you really want to hear and will probable give you something else to think about. Thats a great idea about college, and will be a great chance of getting back out there and meeting new people aswell. You sound like a lovely guy and i really hope things get better for you.

hullaballoo

Heyes is right, you do sound like a real sound guy. dublindude's idea is a good one as well, seriously. If you can make it up to Dublin or nearby you're more than welcome to pm me either, I'm always up for a chat.

Incidentally, there would be no need to feel pathetic about "meetin new mates over net cas of pity" because none of us would be going to offer for you to come out with us if we were going to hold it against you! The reason we're in here talking to you is because we've all been there and we're not going to judge you as a result.

Even just pm any of us for a chat if the mood takes you.

snorlax

counselling is about actively listening to the person and trying to get people to find solutions for themselves. the counsellor will never tell you what to do with your life, they'll let you decide for yourself.

they are other psychotherapies apart from counselling eg COgnitive behavioural therapy or pyschodynamic therapy which actively go about changing our thought patterns but require a lot of input/ motivation from the client in order for them to succeed. it's up to you to find the approach that best suits you. as far as i know psychotherapy can be expensive. you should look up the national body for it on google and read up on it and the other therapies. Psychodynamic therapy uses art or other mediums to help the client gain more insight into their problems as part of the process.

Exon

Life's supposed to be a struggle, just make the best of it.