Anti-Stress Diet

Capt'n Midnight

This diet has been carefully developed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day. Please follow the instructions carefully.

Breakfast

1/2 Grapefruit
1 Slice Wholemeal Toast
3 oz Skimmed Milk


Lunch

4 oz Lean Boiled Chicken Breast
1 Cup Steamed Spinach
1 Cup Herbal Tea
1 Chocolate Chip Cookie


Mid Afternoon Snack

Rest of Cookies in Packet
2 Pints Chocolate Chip Ice-Cream
1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce with Nuts
Cherries and Ice Cream


Dinner

2 Loaves Garlic Bread with Cheese
1 Large Sausage Pizza
4 Cans Lager
3 Snickers or Mars bars


Late Evening Snack

Entire Black Forest Gateau
(eaten directly from freezer)







Notes :
1. If you eat something and nobody sees you eat it - it has no calories.
2. If you drink a Diet Coke with a Mars bar, then the calories of the Mars bar are cancelled out by the Diet Coke.
3. When you eat with someone else, the calories don't count if you eat less than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes doesn't count.
(e.g. Hot chocolate, Brandy, Toast and Sarah Lee Cheesecake.)
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you - you will look thinner.
6. Movie-related foods (such as Milkshakes, Buttered popcorn, Murray mints and Mars bars) do not have any extra calories because they are part of an entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
7. Broken biscuits contain no extra calories as the kinetic energy expended whilst they are being broken results in leakage of calories (McVities's law).
8. Things licked off knives and teaspoons have no calorific value if you are in the process of making something. (e.g. Jam on a knife when making a sandwich or cream on a spoon when making a sundae.)
9. Foods of the same colour contain the same number of calories (e.g. spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate). Please note that chocolate is a universal colour and may be substituted for any other food.

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Words of Wisdom about Men


Never do housework -
No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

You know he's lying if his lips move.

Remember, you are known by the idiot you accompany.

If you love a man, set him free. If he comes back, it means he's forgotten his sandwich.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

If they can put a man on the moon, the should be able to put all of them there.

Wait for the right man to come along -
But in the meantime have fun with some of the wrong ones.

The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.

If he won't wear a condom, staple the end of his willy. That'll make him think.

If he clips his toenails over the living room floor, shave your armpits over his copy of 'Classic Car'.

Don't bother going to a chiropractor to get rid of a pain in the neck - Just divorce him.

If he says he's leaving you to see the world - Buy him a map.

Always remember, you can't be treated like a doormat if you don't lie down.

Definition of a bachelor:
A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

What's the difference between a husband and a lover?
Day and night.

Women don't make fools of men - Most of them are do-it-yourself types.

A women's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

If you think that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, you're aiming too high.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Advice for brides:
Keep the bouquet and throw away the groom.

Men are like old cars - They need a lot of touching up before they will perform.

There are a lot of words you can use to describe men - strong, caring, loving -
They'd be wrong but you could still use them.

Men can't play dumb because it's hard to play at reality.

If you want a committed man - Look in a mental hospital.

The children of Israel wandered round the desert for 40 years.
Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.

If he asks what type of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

Be tolerant of men - after all it's just 99% of them that give the other 1% a bad name.

Give a man an inch and he'll say its ten.

There are three kinds of men - the intelligent, the hansom, and the majority.

Boring men are like snot - they get up your nose.

Definition of a man with manners - He gets out of the bath to pee.

The trouble with women is our trouble with men.

Never trust love at first sight - Take a second look.

If he asks you if you're faking it, tell him no - You're just practising.

If men knew what pain they cause when they don't ring, they probably still wouldn't bother.

They main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a 'former boyfriend'.

-

When God made man, he made him out of string.
At the end, he had some left over, so he made a little thing.

When God made woman, he made her out of lace.
He found he did not have enough, so he left a little space.