When's the right time

LegacyUser

I broke up with my long term boyfriend a few months ago.
We parted on good terms, & still text each other now & again, with how's things, nice weekend, etc, but never about the break-up

Here's the thing:- I don't intend on getting back together with him, but I'm not sure if he fully admits that to himself.

There are still some of my things at his place, they're not really important to me, but at the same time it's probably not nice for him to see "me" all around his place, so I want to ask for them back.

I don't know how to do this.

Do I leave it for longer until he's more used to the idea (which maybe beens he holds onto false hope for longer, which I don't want), or do I ask him for them now (& potentially twist that knife in him just that bit more)

I don't like holding up a big neon sign saying:- 'I'm over you & never going back to you' as I still really care for his feelings, but how do I approach this causing as little hurt as possible?

Also, how do I bring it up:- phone, text, email???
Is it a big deal, or is it just me thinking it is?
& His place is about 1.5hrs from me. Is it fair to ask him to pack up my stuff & bring it down to me (he does be in my area every weekend) or do I ask him for a key & go up myself at the weekend & pack my things myself.
(I don't mind doing the latter, I just don't know which is best?)

All advice is really welcomed.
Thanks.

Fysh

I can see how it's an awkward situation, but there's only so much consideration you can have for his feelings especially if you think he's in denial about your relationship. If you're in regular contact through one way or another, bring it up tactfully and ask him when would suit him to arrange it. Don't phone him just to ask about it if you don't often speak on the phone anyway as he may misinterpret your intentions one way or another.

As for how to get it back, it depends on how he feels. If he's regularly in your area he may not mind packing stuff up and dropping it off for you, but don't demand that he does so. If you do end up going up to his place to pick it up, it wouldn't be unfair to ask that he not be around when you do so if you'd feel more comfortable that way. Might help avoid awkward conversations while you're packing it up.

Good luck with it anyway, can't imagine it's much fun to try and do this, especially if you're trying to stay friends with the guy and be concerned about his feelings. Still, he has to get the hint sometime if he hasn't already...

condra

Be 100% straight with him, he will be devastated but able to move on far sooner.

Its so horribly patronising and insulting when a girl beats around the bush because shes trying to save a guys feelings.

Trust me, guys can sense this sort of behaviour a mile away and end up feeling insulted aswell as hurt.

Is it fair to ask him to pack up my stuff & bring it down to me

Youre kidding right?

An x of mine dragged me all the way down to the country to dump me a couple of years back. We havent managed to remain friends.

If you care about him like you claim to youll go and get your stuff sooner rather than later and tell him the truth. Oh and dont go telling him theres plenty more fish in the sea.

^CwAzY^

Just say "I want my stuff back" - it's not rocket science! If he's not over you, then that is his problem not yours..

SexeeAussie

I agree, just call him and tell him that you want your stuff back (make out you NEED it if you have to), if he is not happy letting you into his place to pack it up, just tell him to put it in a box and leave it in the garage or something and you can pick it up whilst dropping off his stuff.

I do think that there is no wasy way to prevent him from being hurt further, so just grab the bull by the horns and do it!

Goodluck
Rach

LegacyUser

womoma wrote:

Youre kidding right?

I only asked this because there's V little stuff of mine still at his place & it's all in one area so it wouldn't be that hard for him to pop it into a box & as he's driving down to my area anyway, it would make more sense, but I knew there was the possibility of a reaction just like yours, which is why I asked for your opinion on whether or not that would be an insult.

I did also say that I'd no problem in going to collect my stuff myself if you thought that would be fairer, so please don't think of me as a b!tch on wheels!

I also don't really care if I never got the stuff back, but feel it's only fair for it not to be sitting around his place where he sees it every day. Agree?

I keep contact at a bare minimum as I don't want to be messing with his head, giving him false hope. I just say hi every now & again to let him know that I still care for him as a person, so I don't know how I can do just that but pop a 'oh, by the way.....' line in the middle of it.

He may have no problem with it whatsoever, for all I know he could be moving in on someone else & be over me. I'm just afraid that he's not.

Thanks for giving me your opinions

finish up completely
sometimes people can put so much hope in the smallest things, interpret them they way they want and end up being devastated.

just say you need the stuff back, just in case
if your truely friends, give it some time apart, and when (or if) the dust eventually settles, youl still be good friends

LegacyUser

Well,

I emailed him this morning. It was a V nice email & asked him bits about himself & his weekend etc, general chit chat.

Then in the nicest possible way (& I know it was in a nice way) I told him I'd like my stuff back etc, etc.

I haven't heard anything from him at all, ( so I wreckon he's taken it badly.

I mean, maybe he's off today, but it's unlikely, maybe he's too busy for emails today, but in the whole time I've known him (long time) this has never been the case.

I guess all I can do now is sit back & wait until (if) he gets in contact.

Thanks for all your help

scojones

So, did he contact you?

Oriel

Just be honest him with him.
Saying something like "I know this might be awkward for you, but could you..." - that could either mean emotionally awkard for him or physicaly awkward for him you get to you by car, but let him decide which he wants to feel.
That way, he makes the decision how easy this be for both of you.

S.

nobodythere

NotDisclosed wrote:

I don't like holding up a big neon sign saying:- 'I'm over you & never going back to you' as I still really care for his feelings, but how do I approach this causing as little hurt as possible?

A wounded heart is worse than a broken one, because you can hope it will heal. You need to spell it out that it's over. He will be hurt but if you weigh the pain he'll go through if he clings onto hope, it's an easy decision. Sometimes you have to be mean to be nice.

He'd probably made a shrine outta your stuff if you leave it too long

rrrrr

NotDisclosed wrote:

I broke up with my long term boyfriend a few months ago.
We parted on good terms, & still text each other now & again, with how's things, nice weekend, etc, but never about the break-up

Here's the thing:- I don't intend on getting back together with him, but I'm not sure if he fully admits that to himself.

There are still some of my things at his place, they're not really important to me, but at the same time it's probably not nice for him to see "me" all around his place, so I want to ask for them back.

I don't know how to do this.

Do I leave it for longer until he's more used to the idea (which maybe beens he holds onto false hope for longer, which I don't want), or do I ask him for them now (& potentially twist that knife in him just that bit more)

I don't like holding up a big neon sign saying:- 'I'm over you & never going back to you' as I still really care for his feelings, but how do I approach this causing as little hurt as possible?

Also, how do I bring it up:- phone, text, email???
Is it a big deal, or is it just me thinking it is?
& His place is about 1.5hrs from me. Is it fair to ask him to pack up my stuff & bring it down to me (he does be in my area every weekend) or do I ask him for a key & go up myself at the weekend & pack my things myself.
(I don't mind doing the latter, I just don't know which is best?)

All advice is really welcomed.
Thanks.

1. Being a guy in his situation before, I would say that you should be perfectly blunt with him. Tell him you are finished and WILL NOT be getting back together. Tell him you have moved on and have a new boyfriend. Make it CLEAR that you will not be getting back together. If you leave it (cos you dont want to hurt him), you are actually hurting him even more because the longer you leave it the worse it gets.

2. If he loves you he may try to get you back anyway. He may even stalk you covertly sometimes just to see you. Make sure you keep communication with him to a minimum.

3. (optional) try set one of your friends up with him. Get him laid and he might forget about you a little and realise there are other women out there.

Good luck.

BeardyGit

I'd say just leave it. To be honest, if you were going out for a long time, having a couple of your bits and pieces blip on the radar every now and then will be the least he's had to deal with. Especially if he took the breakup hard in the first place.

It's probably a little late for this advice now (as you've already mailed him) but in case any other girl/guy out there faces the same thing, try to remember this simple advice. You shouldn't initiate ANY communication if you're the one who did the dumping. Leave your ex alone to tend to their own wounded/broken heart without having to face the emotional turmoil of renewed communication before they're ready for it.

You might think you're doing the right thing (I honestly believe that in this case) but chances are, all you're doing is adding to their anguish by 'trivialising' the demise of your relationship and leaving him with the idea that all you now care about is your 'stuff'. Those with a broken heart can't help but feel that way. Sometimes it's easier to carry on with the remnants of your life after 'she's gone' with the delusional thoughts that at the back of it all, she actually does care about your feelings and is staying away from you to give you time to heal. You sending an email/text/phonecall or whatever is not something that's going to help. If you want to drive a stake in there when he calls you out of the blue to find out if you've reconsidered and want to get back together is all well and good. But interupting their healing process, months later, for nothing more than some 'stuff' that you're happy to discard anyway? Come on. Please.

I'm not being nasty or mean here. I've been on the receiving end of this and couldn't see it as being anything other than a rude and unwelcome phone-call for nothing but a handful of CD's and a flippin' furry coat. The thoughtful sentiment behind the phone-call was lost on me and only served to fool me into thinking she was a heartless and cruel uber-bitch who never gave a s***. I don't think it ultimately did me much good.

To the O.P. I can only suggest you revise your communication to limit damage if you actually care at all. Let the ex know that the stuff isn't important (if it's not, as you claim) and that he can drop it off at one of your friends houses if he'd prefer or else give it to charity/dump it. Let him know that it's not very important to you and that he shouldn't feel like he needs to look after it for you.

Well, good luck anyway. Don't do anything that would openly show you have any concerns for your ex's feelings - But don't go out of your way now to be cruel either (as per certain posters advice).

Gil

LegacyUser

Yes,
He did contact me to say that it was no problem.
He'd have the stuff down at the weekend.

I generally do leave it to him to make the contact & then I reply as I understand completely what you're saying Gil_Dub. In fact sometimes I don't reply if a question hasn't been asked, as I think that'd encourage him more.
I did the breaking up so now I have to respect how he wants to play it.

I have let him know that the stuff is not important at all, but that I just don't think it's fair for him to be tripping over it all the time. He does realise why I'm asking for it back, I've also told him to keep anything he'll get use out of.

He seems to have taken everything really well surprisingly (I must've been a horrible gf that he's glad to see the back off!!! ) (nah, don't think so) but I haven't seen him since right after the break up, so I'll be V nervous about seeing him again in case things are difficult.

I would never ever intentionally be horrible to this person as he is a really wonderful, caring guy. He just wasn't for me.