Girl I really fancy has an abusive boyfriend

Dagon

In the past few months I established a friendship with a really nice girl in college. In the last couple of weeks we've dicovered we fancy each other like crazy, and I've also found out she has a boyfriend who is making her life very miserable. Nothing has happened between us but she has said she wants it to. I haven't done anything as I don't think it would help the situation.

However, she is filled with so much fear of her boyfriend, she feels unable to get out of the relationship, and from what she has told me he is controlling, jealous, suspicious, covetous, aggressive and recently they have been having fights. There is mild physical abuse, and he needs to know who is emailing her, who is ringing, what time she will be home, where she is, etc. He doesn't show public affection to her and acts like he is embarrassed of her in public, in general she is not happy in the relationship. When I told her she was beautiful, she kept thinking I was kidding. Her bf would never do that. She has very low confidence and is so insecure...

But we have been here before. There is a pattern of bullying in her life (from school and two previous relationships) and this is the continuation. Can someone be "rescued" from this pattern, or is it somehow necessary in their lives? I really feel for her and like her... we have really clicked and get on so well.. yet deep down I have a sense that she will not leave her boyfriend. I have already assured her that I will be there if she does leave, and she won't be on the shelf for more than a few seconds... but she is filled with fear, and I don't know if she will do anything.

She has even said she may stop going to the college clubs, as it adds to her independance of her bf, and this apparently is what makes him mad (she was shaking with fear and deeply upset one day when she thought he saw some emails from me) . He wants her to be totally dependant on him. He has locked her in the house before as well. I don't know if she believes me when I say I would love to go out with her, and would be really happy to have her in my life.

And still I maintain, nothing has happened between us, yet her bf is contantly treating her like a criminal and he doesn't trust her at all.

Any advice?

breadmonkey

She has to get away from that guy, end of story. Does she have any brothers per chance? What kind of guy are we talking about here? To be brutal, is he a scummer? (I dont care if anyone slates me for this question).

Binomate

Move on with your life, she's taken.

madisona

she might like you as a friend but she is not physically attracted to "nice" guys. she will stay with her current boyfriend and even if she finishes with him or visa versa she will look for someone who is similarly abusive.

btw funny that you critize the boyfriend for not trusting her but still want to shag her behind his back.

Dagon

The point is, yes, she is physically attracted to me. There were a few times when I know I could have kissed her. In fact, she asked me could she kiss me, and I basically said it would depend on whether she is single or not. If not, it would only cause more trouble.

"To be brutal, is he a scummer?"

Could be. He's the kind that hits someone a punch in the face during football in a rage after falling down (blaming it on said guy).

smiles

You say he doesn't trust her. Also you say she wants to kiss you.
Seems he's right.

Who wants a girlfriend who will willingly cheat on her boyfriend?

Nevyn

The only person who can get her out of her current relationship is herself.
The best ting you can do is not let her use you as an excuse, let her finished with him and then start a relationship with you .

madisona

indeed. does she want you to fight him? tell her she should make up her mind who she wants to be with. Are you sure that she does not just want you as a platonic pal.

If I were you I would refuse to let her talk about her boyfriend to you. Do you think he would tolerate her talking to him about you? If you let the situation continue as it is you will lose her respect and any chance you have of winning her.

kjt

Thaedydal wrote:

The only person who can get her out of her current relationship is herself.
The best ting you can do is not let her use you as an excuse, let her finished with him and then start a relationship with you .

I'm not sure about that now... If she uses him as an excuse he could come looking for you.
I'd give her some space and time to get away from him in her own way and then she'll come running into your open arms

Hope it all works out

Gone West

Tell her brothers or father about it.
Even if you have to go behind her back, it has to be done.
She will forgive you for it in the end.
If theres physical violence against her, something has to be done. If she is unable to get out of the relationship herself, she will need help before this guy ruins her life. She has allready developed complexes allready from this, it seems.

Nevyn

She should not need a guy her father brother potential boyfirend to stand up
to him for her, she needs to do it herself.

Miguel_Sanchez

Everyone seems to be being pretty harsh on the girl in this situation.

From my reading of the OP's post I'd have to say that yes she likes the OP and if she was stronger would have long ago broken up with her boyfriend. Yes she wants to cheat on her boyfriend but this is due to the way he treats her. I would tread very carefully if I was the OP - he should help her get out of the relationship but it is probably a bad idea for her to jump straight into another.

Dagon

"Are you sure that she does not just want you as a platonic pal."

Yeah, pretty sure about that one mate! I don't think this is your typical nice-guy vs. asshole argument. He's not an asshole, he's an anti-social and abusive man. And I ain't no nice-guy

Also, it is mild physical violence- as in she doesn't even consider it violent. Like twisting her arm to get info, or knocking her out of the bed, or throwing the tv remote at her, etc. But I'd say it could escalate.

I agree, she has to stop talking about how bad things are at this point, and do something. I do think it was important for her to talk about it to me though, because I'm the first person she has even told about how bad it is. And only now she realises that it's not on, and she is not happy with this.

I don't know if telling her parents about the bf is best, according to her they think the sun shines out of his behind!

Dagon

"I would tread very carefully if I was the OP - he should help her get out of the relationship but it is probably a bad idea for her to jump straight into another."

That is true. She probably needs some space, not another full on relationship. But right now she is mad for me... and also confused about her feelings cos I feel deep down she still loves her bf in some way, despite all the fear and dread of going home to him.

Crucifix

Forget that you fancy her, and just try to help her out as a friend/fellow human being.

daRobot

This one has messy written all over it.

It also sounds like that if she does leave him, you and her will have big problems if you get together when the current bf finds out.

I think you need to assess how much of a nasty c*nt this guy is before you try to take things any further, and see if you're prepared for the pontential bag of sh1t that's coming your way.

Restraining order is also possible, so thats an option.

Dagon

Thanks guys.. yes, that did cross my mind. I mean, the guy apparently broke his mobile phone in two once night when he found out she had arranged to meet me for a chat.

Better be careful. Don't want to have to use my martial arts training in such a negative way!

padser

Dagon wrote:

Also, it is mild physical violence- as in she doesn't even consider it violent. Like twisting her arm to get info, or knocking her out of the bed, or throwing the tv remote at her, etc. But I'd say it could escalate.

If its only 'mild physical violence' and from your message the biggest problem is the controlingness etc.....why did you title the thread ' Girl i really fancy has abusive Boyfriend'. Was this just for the shock value? The OP including the title reads like a tabloid newspaper.

chump

I'm afraid it's not your place to step in. IMO
You say she has a history of this kind of behaviour and blah blah.

The behaviour she is demonstrating is that she is submissive and get's into situations where she allows her life be controlled.
Now she wants you to take control of the situation somehow and free her from it? Maybe she isn't saying it directly but here you are...

It's a sad story no doubt.

On a personal level I don't see how you can actually be attracted to a girl in this pitiful situation, and you yourself would admit that you feel sorry for you. I don't think pity is a good place to start a relationship.




The girl needs to start shovelling her own sh!t into the gutter and take control of her own life. She needs to stop whinging to you.

If she really wanted to extricate herself from this cycle of patheticness she has running through her life, she can.

Nevyn

there are many forms of abuse physical, mental, sexual and emotional.
Padser such comments are off topic
Do read the charter
have a nice day
Thaedydal

underpantsgirl

twisting her arm and throwing a tv remote is more than enough if she had any cop on she would have left him ages ago

Nasty_Girl

underpantsgirl wrote:

twisting her arm and throwing a tv remote is more than enough if she had any cop on she would have left him ages ago

I dunno it can take time for some people to really realise the person won't change, especially when they are young.

However a word of caution to the OP,
I have come across many MANY girls from school work etc that use the "my boyfriend is a dickhead" line to justify cheating (I know nothing has happened between ye...yet)
although, from your description of her she seems genuinely frightened so that may not be the case.

If she really wants you she'll dump him.
Steer clear or just be a friend.
If she's been bullied in school then somewhere inside she'll learn that she has to get away from this guy and she is the only one who can make that happen.

if you do anything while she's with him, you could face terrible trust issues down the line as well

FoXXy

wow this is a messy one and frankly some of the peoples responses seem far too rash or onesided.
going on what you've said about her it does seem that she just needs to get away from him. but i think you should talk to her about that, about getting herself free of him and time to be on her own and be independant. leaving him to go for you is a bit rushed i think. when she leaves him she'll need to sort her head out and see whether she really does want you in her life romantically... not saying that she wont, but if a girl needs help its very easy to turn on the charm to get it!
i say the best of luck to you but tell her what needs to be done and then leave her to it for a while

cournioni

Talk to her about it, tell her how you feel about the situation.

WhiteWashMan

Thaedydal wrote:

The only person who can get her out of her current relationship is herself.
The best ting you can do is not let her use you as an excuse, let her finished with him and then start a relationship with you .

those are exactly the two things i thought when i read that.

the only person that can get her out of her situation is herself.
she needs to do it herself before she can move on, and not have the OP as a crutch.

Dagon

"Talk to her about it, tell her how you feel about the situation."

I have done, at length. But she is confused and unable to help herself. But you guys are right, it is up to her now.

Padser, as Thaedydal said; the word "abuse" does not mean punching and kicking someone into submission. It could be as mild as undermining someone at their job, singling someone out and regularly making snide remarks, embarassing or humiliating someone in public or antagonising someone psychologically.

So in fact, your post wasn't too far from mildly abusive padser. Although I'll let you away with it

As for everyone else, thanks for all the advice. It has helped me to get more perspective on the situation. I've said what I can, it's up to her now.

LegacyUser

underpantsgirl wrote:

twisting her arm and throwing a tv remote is more than enough if she had any cop on she would have left him ages ago

I am (was) in the exact same position as this girl and this petty violence to me is like water off a ducks back at this stage. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly two years now and a couple of months ago I fell absolutely head over heels in love with this other bloke. Sounds so similar to your situation, at first I was telling him about the problems and how my boyf used to humiliate me and throw stuff and basically I was feeling sorry for myself and needed someone to show me affection and reassure me that he liked me and he would be there if anything did happen. Things got worse with the boyf and the more I grew to have serious feelings for the other guy the more I knew I didn't love my boyf and wanted to be with this other guy.
I ended up kissing him a couple of times and when we were ever together all I wanted was to be with him (even though he is about 500 miles away!) until my boyfriend found out that I kissed him. Thank God my boyf is the sensible kind that wouldn't go and kill the guy his gf kissed- I admitted it that I had kissed him, he asked me why I did it and I told him I wanted to kiss him. Straight up, no messing no excuses, just I wanted to kiss him. And his reply was I forgive you. He didn't go mad he just said I know things haven't been great lately and I don't blame you, if you promise to never do it again I'll forgive you and we can get get back to normal cause I love you more than anything and I don't want to lose you. I mean WTF!!!!! I didn't focking ask him for forgiveness I wanted him to focking dump me?
Anyway the reason I am writing this is to show you a little example of what you could be up against with this girls boyf. I mean she more than likely does love him even though she wants to have her way with you- but as long as he says things to her like my boyfriend says to me "don't want to lose you" all this crack, she ain't gonna leave him.
Anyway, when the "other guy" realised what was happening (he realised that I wasn't going to leave my boyf before I realised it) he gave up and more or less stopped contact and I was gutted but he just wouldn't have it anymore. I still think that if had have held on a bit sooner instead of given up, I would be with him now instead of being stuck in a mildly abusive relationship.
OP just be careful and if you really think that you and this girl could have something, don't let go of it because if she feels the way I felt she will be needing you right now. Give her all the support that you can give and I wish you the best of luck.

Dagon

Thanks Chicken. I knew there would be someone out there who had experienced something similar.

I want to help her, but I'm not sure what I can do. ANy time I meet her, she seems a bit overwhelmed by her feelings for me, and they come flooding back. She wants to kiss me, etc. and I don't know what to do. And then I think she gets really low when she has to go back to the bf, and she longs to be with me, although she is confused cos she still loves him.

That is why I'm now backing off a bit, and I've told her she needs to get some space for herself, and get away from the bf. He has started staying at a mates house recently to give her more space (to prevent her from staying at her mates really, cos she was going to) so maybe he realises he could lose her.

She can't eat or sleep either, and was got sick yesterday. I was worried and told her to go to the nurse. The nurse says it's a stomach bug or possibly also from stress or tension. It seems to me that it's more likely from all the stress and agony she is going through at the hands of her bf. I wish she would just get out of there...

Don't really know how to proceed tbh...

Sleepy

Tell her if she wants you, you're available from a couple of months after she breaks up with the boyfriend. Balls in her court then, there'll have been enough of a gap for her to have some level of independence between the two relationships and there might be a hope for you two.

And to the people telling the OP to butt out, have a think about what kind of person you are if you believe it's okay to allow guys to mistreat their girlfriends as if the fact they have a relationship with a girl makes her their property. Abuse your partner and you have no right to that relationship or your partner's loyalty.

Red Alert

let her finish with him first and support her as a friend and that only during this. the fact that they're living together does make this situation awkward or not impossible. if they're sharing somewhere, it'll be in one or both names - if it's his, then what i'd really say is pack up and leave to make the point clear. easier said than done, if it's hers then it won't even be that simple.

she probably is living in fear of the reaction that anything she does might produce. in order to be able to do this she needs to feel safe. do you know any of her other mates? could she move in on yours/someone else's couch for a while?

avoid anything other than a good strong friendship for now, her feelings (and yours) might change when the b/f disappears.

Amazotheamazing

Personally I think you want to be the Enrique Iglesias "let me be your hero" type guy and you get a huge kick of her confiding in you. Frankly I'd say you yourself are too close to the situation to help her.
I often think that everyone has this kind of person they can go to to complain about things, to make them feel more attactive/wanted/desired, and if you are that person for her, you can't really be objective about what she's saying to you, since you'll only ever hear one side of the story.

The last thing she needs now is a new relationship, particulary if she has a pattern of going for the "wrong" guys. She needs to develop as a person, to work out what she wants, and in my experience, that's best done while single.

Frankly, I'd strongly advise that all you should be is a good friend to her, esp if she breaks up with the abusive guy. You have to remember that even when she is single she might forever associate you with all the bad feeling and confusion she shared with you, and that's no way to start a relationship.

Course, if you just want a one night thing, no amount of advice will convince you (or any guy) that it's a bad thing.

Atrocity

I know someone who was involved in this type of thing and it brought him nothing but heartache. Even after he got the girl her ex made his life a misery and he was too scared to leave the house, the amount of scumbags that were threatening him. She better be worth it.

The Clown Man

Chicken! wrote:

I am (was) in the exact same position as this girl and this petty violence to me is like water off a ducks back at this stage. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly two years now and a couple of months ago I fell absolutely head over heels in love with this other bloke. Sounds so similar to your situation, at first I was telling him about the problems and how my boyf used to humiliate me and throw stuff and basically I was feeling sorry for myself and needed someone to show me affection and reassure me that he liked me and he would be there if anything did happen. Things got worse with the boyf and the more I grew to have serious feelings for the other guy the more I knew I didn't love my boyf and wanted to be with this other guy.
I ended up kissing him a couple of times and when we were ever together all I wanted was to be with him (even though he is about 500 miles away!) until my boyfriend found out that I kissed him. Thank God my boyf is the sensible kind that wouldn't go and kill the guy his gf kissed- I admitted it that I had kissed him, he asked me why I did it and I told him I wanted to kiss him. Straight up, no messing no excuses, just I wanted to kiss him. And his reply was I forgive you. He didn't go mad he just said I know things haven't been great lately and I don't blame you, if you promise to never do it again I'll forgive you and we can get get back to normal cause I love you more than anything and I don't want to lose you. I mean WTF!!!!! I didn't focking ask him for forgiveness I wanted him to focking dump me?
Anyway the reason I am writing this is to show you a little example of what you could be up against with this girls boyf. I mean she more than likely does love him even though she wants to have her way with you- but as long as he says things to her like my boyfriend says to me "don't want to lose you" all this crack, she ain't gonna leave him.
Anyway, when the "other guy" realised what was happening (he realised that I wasn't going to leave my boyf before I realised it) he gave up and more or less stopped contact and I was gutted but he just wouldn't have it anymore. I still think that if had have held on a bit sooner instead of given up, I would be with him now instead of being stuck in a mildly abusive relationship.
OP just be careful and if you really think that you and this girl could have something, don't let go of it because if she feels the way I felt she will be needing you right now. Give her all the support that you can give and I wish you the best of luck.

LOL you are still with the guy?

Christ get some self esteem and get the **** out of that.

What is ****ing wrong with you people? What makes you think you are so totally incapable of HELPING YOURSELF!

God.

The Clown Man

Chicken! wrote:

I still think that if had have held on a bit sooner instead of given up, I would be with him now instead of being stuck in a mildly abusive relationship.

Stuck?

Stuck.

What the **** is stuck?

Christ.

Dagon

Seriously Clown Man, it's not really fair for you to comment on that because you don't understand what it's actually like to be in that situation. Neither do I.

"I think you want to be the Enrique Iglesias "let me be your hero" type guy and you get a huge kick of her confiding in you".

Is that what you think now? Really? Well done now. And aren't you the smart young lad to be able to deduce all that from my posts here. Give this boy a lollypop. :rolleyes:

I understand that what I'm being told is only one side of the story. But she isn't happy. And the fact is, this is something that is happening to people every day. I know other girls who have been in this sort of relationship, and people have responded here who have been in these situations. Life is too short, you know? But I'm not sure if there is any simple answer other than a slow process of personal awakening...

The Clown Man

How condescending. Thanks for that.

Let me clear that up for you. An anonymous poster tells of her situation. I (being anonymous myself) reply to said anonymous person that she should cop on to herself. Where does the part with the singing come into it?

I have seen the situation and it annoys me to see people not helping themselves. She tells how she wants out and concedes that her opportunity is now gone. That annoys me.

I will never meet the girl and she can do whatever the hell she wants. I don't care. But you are on a forum now so expect various viewpoints.

Sorry Chicken! if I seem harsh but in fairness, cop the **** on and sort your **** out.


Oh and someone give dagon a price the absolute gent.

Amazotheamazing

Just giving advice, if you disagree you don't need to act on it. Now give me a lollipop or refrain from making comments you think pass as smart.

Clown Man, the singing comment is presumably aimed at me, and I stand by my original point, I don't think it's unhelpful, Dagon seems to disagree.

Seraphina

tbh i agree. the only reason you seem to want to help this girl is so you can get in her pants afterwards, which frankly, is the last thing she needs.

like others have said she needs to develop herself and learn to stand on her own two feet, not go from one boyfriend and on to the next to help her deal with the break up :rolleyes:

should she end up breaking up with the boyfriend, i'd really recommend you stay away from her, it sounds like she's just afraid to be on her own really - why else would she stay with this kind of guy? she doesn't think she can do better, she'll crawl from one guy to the next seeking validation, or, more likely, end up with a string of controlling guys.

there doesn't seem to be an altruistic motive for this guy wanting to help her at all, he just wants to be next in line to take advantage of the doormat. the last thing she needs right now is another guy.

spurious

I know what it's like to be in an abusive relationship.
People who say 'why don't you just leave?' have no clue exactly what it's like to be in one.

There doesn't have to even be physical violence, though in my case it was the threat of it that made me eventually call the guards and have the abuser removed from my home.

If it was as easy as 'just' leaving, people would do it every day. Part of the nature of abuse is to make the abused person powerless, to make them feel no-one else would have them, to make them dependant on their abuser, to make them feel worthless, without any feelings of self-esteem.

To the OP - it's a complicated situation. The last thing this woman needs is another relationship. By all means let her know you are there as a friend. She already knows (believe me) that her BF is no good for her, but yet she is 'tied' to him. There will come a point where she herself will decide enough is enough, hopefully that will be soon, but it is up to her.

BeardyGit

Seraphina wrote:

tbh i agree. the only reason you seem to want to help this girl is so you can get in her pants afterwards, which frankly, is the last thing she needs..........

Whoa whoa there. Where did you get that from? I'm not saying you're wrong but that's one big assed accusation to go making there. Even us s**** can be nice guys every now and then. Don't go assuming that just because a guy wants to help a girl out (whether or not his reasoning is accurate) that he wants to get in her knickers. He fancies her of course but from what he's said, that's a mutual attraction. I'd agree that she'll probably be a real mess, even if both of you don't think so, at the end of this. Like so many others, I've seen it happen with my best friend a few years ago. She became so much stronger but I can tell you that none of the guys she was with for a while afterwards stood any chance of building anything short of a train-wreck relationship with her. She didn't know how to be in a real relationship, and unfortunately you'll probably find that out if you get what you want. Good luck anyway. And prepare for lots of hostility from her friends, him, and his mates.

LegacyUser

The Clown Man wrote:

LOL you are still with the guy?

Christ get some self esteem and get the **** out of that.

What is ****ing wrong with you people? What makes you think you are so totally incapable of HELPING YOURSELF!

God.

It is much easier said than done honey, that's why there are a lot of people giving half decent advice. I'd say yourself and the "other guy" in my little article, if you like, think in much the same frame of mind.
And yep I'm still with this guy. Do you have any useful advice by any chance?

Amazotheamazing

I know you're not addressing that to me, but I'd say take up separate activities away from your boyfriend, they'll help you build your confidence and help you meet a completly new set of people. I don't think it's easy though.

LegacyUser

Amazotheamazing wrote:

I know you're not addressing that to me, but I'd say take up separate activities away from your boyfriend, they'll help you build your confidence and help you meet a completly new set of people. I don't think it's easy though.

We have the same hobbies, drink in all the same places and think nearly every friend either of us have is mutual!! Its a freakin disaster I tell ya!!!! I tried so hard to get out of the relationship I just couldn't be bothered getting out of it now to be honest- If I've no one to lean, on I don't fancy being alone (probably the most selfish thing I have ever said) and that's just the kind of person I am. Think I need to be commited.

Amazotheamazing

Whats wrong with being alone?

Nasty_Girl

Chicken! wrote:

I just couldn't be bothered getting out of it now to be honest

You couldn't be bothered getting out?

LegacyUser

Nasty_Girl wrote:

You couldn't be bothered getting out?

As I said, I'm too selfish to be alone so I just think about the good times I had when it was going well with the bf and it's all grand. That is focking crazy isn't it? Ah here....

Nasty_Girl

Chicken! wrote:

That is focking crazy isn't it? Ah here....

Yeah it pretty much is.

Um...Good luck with that, i hope it works out for you

LegacyUser

Dear Chicken - been where you are - for 8 feckin' years! But I got out. No one has the right to criticise you. You'll leave when you are ready and not before. At least you have the balls to admit you know its **** and you are lazy at least you know that much - believe me that 's a start.

I have a friend who's been in a **** relationsip for 7 years- verbal abuse as far as we are aware but it could be physical. She won't even admit its **** and is extremely defensive. He has humiliated her in public by being verbally abusive in front of most of her friends and she won't even acknowledge anything is wrong so it could be worse Chicken - at least you know.

To all the people who talk about abuse. Sometimes verbal abuse can be way worse than physical violence and leave scars that no one sees but that take a lot longer to heal. I finally left because the verbal abuse escalated into one incident of physical violence, I could see it coming a mile off but was powerless to run - hence my comment you only go when you are ready. If you go before you are ready because of what other people say you'll only end up going back and prolong the agony.

LegacyUser

Wiglet wrote:

Dear Chicken - been where you are - for 8 feckin' years! But I got out. No one has the right to criticise you. You'll leave when you are ready and not before. At least you have the balls to admit you know its **** and you are lazy at least you know that much - believe me that 's a start.

I have a friend who's been in a **** relationsip for 7 years- verbal abuse as far as we are aware but it could be physical. She won't even admit its **** and is extremely defensive. He has humiliated her in public by being verbally abusive in front of most of her friends and she won't even acknowledge anything is wrong so it could be worse Chicken - at least you know.

To all the people who talk about abuse. Sometimes verbal abuse can be way worse than physical violence and leave scars that no one sees but that take a lot longer to heal. I finally left because the verbal abuse escalated into one incident of physical violence, I could see it coming a mile off but was powerless to run - hence my comment you only go when you are ready. If you go before you are ready because of what other people say you'll only end up going back and prolong the agony.

That's super advice Wiglet, thank you very much and so glad someone actually understands this situation. This has tuned into a post for my advice! How is Dagon getting on- any update on your situation? You could probably pass on Wiglet's advice to your girl in question mate its fair good.

chump

Sleepy wrote:

And to the people telling the OP to butt out, have a think about what kind of person you are if you believe it's okay to allow guys to mistreat their girlfriends as if the fact they have a relationship with a girl makes her their property. Abuse your partner and you have no right to that relationship or your partner's loyalty.

I was one of the people whose advice was to butt out...
So I should evaluate what kind of person I am because by saying what I did I have demonstrated that I am OK with guys who mistreat their girlfriends?

Thanks for steering me onto the right path Sleepy.

Dagon

I already said she was sick on Wednesday. Well yesterday night she had a panic attack (which went on for quite a long time into the night) and ended up in hospital on a drip all night with heart monitor pads over chest, etc. She went home to parents today. I've told her to tell them the whole story, but her Mum has other things to worry about right now and I don't know if she will tell her.

For those who still insist I'm in all this for a quck shag... fine, whatever.

For those who actually want to help, and have posted constructive things - thanks, I really appreciate ye taking the time to write something positive, constructive, because this is a serious issue not only affecting the girl in question, but others on these boards too.

I've given her space now, I agree with those who say she needs space to heal.

Sadly, there is this constant fear of being alone. More than anything else in the world, she seems to fear being alone and not being in a relationship... and being a spinster, etc, etc. Her self-confidence has obviously been shattered by the relationship she is in, and *she does not see* that she is an attractive person with a lot to offer. She has been conditioned a brainwashed into a way of thinking about relationships, and my words don't seem to help too much.