Guy 27 Lonely

LegacyUser

Yeah Hi,

I'm a guy 27 & 1/3,and looking for some sort of female companionship, as you do like. I moved to dublin over 6 months ago, got a decent job. Big into art, quite creative etc. just an FYI

Haven't made many friends here yet though. I guess what some might say is: go make some friends & meet human females that way etc. Not a bad plan, however I'm not sure if that is the problem really. If it is, and I JUST need to widen my social circle or something, fair enough.

However there've been plenty of girls I knew, I've been friends with, and even fancied etc., but never managed to progress things beyond just friends, you know the way.
I reckon though, that could have been something to do with, basically, long term depression, mild perhaps, but persistant all the same. Never got any help with it, never talked to anyone about it, feeling pretty stoopid writing this (uh why didn't you do what you knew you should do), but there you go.
However one day about a year a go, I decided to kick said depression to kerb, and have been improving quite well I reckon. Unless I'm in denial of course, which naturally I have no way of telling. Ah no I'm not in denial, I think.
(Now I am aware that some depressed people do have girlfriends etc, but I do think it was a factor for my own girlfriend-less situation.)


Anyway, getting back on track,
I am lonely, and would appreciate some advice on previously mentioned female social contact processes.
I have no problem talking to girls, used to be shy, but not so at all really now.
Looks: Lest someone suggest it, I am not a mutant or anything.

Now, Perhaps this sort of thing is quite common, or perhaps my analysis is seriously incorrect in some respect.
I don't know - hence this thread.


P.S. Please ignore the girl=human female thing, as it just an attempt to bring some humour to a serious personal situation.

condra

What kind of work do you do and whats the social scene like with your job?

Have you considered doing something like a nightcourse or some club or lessons?

Are you just looking for a girlfriend, or friends in general?

AARRRGH

Mr Me No Reg wrote:

P.S. Please ignore the girl=human female thing, as it just an attempt to bring some humour to a serious personal situation.

Yes, I liked that bit

When you say you find it difficult to meet women, is that because you're not doing anything about it or because you're just really unlucky?

BeardyGit

What he said ^^^^^

There's a bit difference between being lonely and wanting a girlfriend. And forgive me if you don't agree but I truly believe great friends will do a lot more for you if you're feeling lonely or depressed. Think of it this way - If you've no friends and your girlfriend dumps you, who drags you out for a night to keep your mind off it or hands you mansize kleenex to blow your nose while you blubber your way to a dehydrated slumber?

Seriously though - I'm no expert on these matters but I've been lonely from time to time. I spent a lot of time away from home with work a couple of years back. Living in hotels and only interacting with clients in stressful situations isn't really conducive to building friendships. That's a lonely place to be, you bet. But I'll tell you something, if I'd had a girlfriend at the time, it wouldn't have really made a blind bit of difference. I would have driven her up the wall with my moaning about everything. My friends on the other hand, they were the business. I could bitch and moan and rant and rave about everything. The crap hotels. The arsehole clients. Delayed flights and airport eateries. You name it, I could have a good whine about it. And the lads not only listened, they understood. The girls? Not a hope. They want Mr. Flippin' Happy on the other end of the phone.

If you're not in the right frame of mind (mostly positive and certainly not talking to girls about your mild depression) then you need to sort yourself out first before pursueing the fairer sex. Get yourself some friends - They'll make you feel better about your lot in life and yourself in general. Nothing wrong with being a little 'down' every now and then but without some friends around you, I reckon it's hard to feel too great about anything. So, chin up and find out when the next after work drinks are going down. If they're not, set up a session yourself (just drinks, not getting p******). Get a few heads together to the dogs some night. Anything at all and starting out with some work-mates is a great idea. You'll probably find a few you get on with who might be feeling a bit out of place there too.

All just ideas. If you think the depression is getting the better of you, go talk to your GP about it and tell him you need him to set you up with some help. No big problem. Can't afford to pay for something else? Tell your employer you've a doctors appointment. They DON'T need (nor will they ask) what kind of doctor you're visiting. Just get on with life, deal with what you need to deal with, and don't worry about the rest.

Agh, I'm tired. Goodnight and good luck.

Gil

LegacyUser

Thanks for the late night advice guys....euye..


Just Lonely or looking for Lady?
Perhaps I was a little unclear here, but I would say definately looking for GF,
I actually Have a few really good friends. Mostly not in Dublin,
but I talk to them regularly. And they do indeed keep me on the straight and narrow as it were.

I am slow to make friends, but I think I have had good 'friend support' for a few years now (thankfully).
I have never had a GF though, or anything close for a very long time.


Work (Womoma): computers, Social scene is quite good - usually go to da pub on Thursday. Good craic as companies go but not a big company - gene pool is limited...

Meeting women (Dublindude): Not sure how to do this - pubs, nightclubs, parties? I've gone to such things in the past many times but just don't know how or where to start making a connection....
Could be that in the past I was reluctant to get involved or whatever. I'm not usually lazy about things, so I don't think its that.

Clubs/Lessons (Womoma): Yes I could try that sort of thing,
(for the 'meet more people' side of things anyway). Any suggestions?

Heyes

granted yes friends can be our little saviours in life.My friends mean the world to me, but I do still feel lonely sometimes. I think everyone does from time to time. I am kinda in a relationship at the moment, but i still get that feelings because im not in exactly what would be called an ideal situation.
Its hard especially when all friends are hooking up with people they ll probable in turn carry on with. :rolleyes:

I wouldnt have probable cared when I was younger, but for some reason its a little different as one tends to get older. So i suppose what im trying to say is, i understand how your feeling.

Vorsprung

Heyes wrote:

granted yes friends can be our little saviours in life.My friends mean the world to me, but I do still feel lonely sometimes. I think everyone does from time to time. I am kinda in a relationship at the moment, but i still get that feelings because im not in exactly what would be called an ideal situation.
Its hard especially when all friends are hooking up with people they ll probable in turn carry on with.

Yea I suppose I'm in the same position too, at college there's a fair few girls I'd hang around with, but only 5 lads (LOTS of girls in my course). 4 of them have gfs, the 5th got dusted about 3 weeks ago after 4year relationship. I don't think I've ever had a proper gf, and I do feel lonely on occasion. I know I'm that bit younger but us young'uns have feelings too!

Anyway what i think I'm trying to say is that I know where you're coming from. I'd second the clubs/classes suggestion meself. It depends what you're interseted in, I'd love to do a course it photography meself, that's just me. Ever tried speed dating? Get a few of your mates up some night, even if you don't meet any potential Miss Rights, I hear it's a great laugh!

Heyes

bigjimthefirst wrote:

Yea I suppose I'm in the same position too, at college there's a fair few girls I'd hang around with, but only 5 lads (LOTS of girls in my course). 4 of them have gfs, the 5th got dusted about 3 weeks ago after 4year relationship. I don't think I've ever had a proper gf, and I do feel lonely on occasion. I know I'm that bit younger but us young'uns have feelings too!

Anyway what i think I'm trying to say is that I know where you're coming from. I'd second the clubs/classes suggestion meself. It depends what you're interseted in, I'd love to do a course it photography meself, that's just me. Ever tried speed dating? Get a few of your mates up some night, even if you don't meet any potential Miss Rights, I hear it's a great laugh!

When did the old going out with your mates, and having a laugh, meeting a guy having a laugh and see what happens end..... god knows, things get a bit tricker as time goes on.:rolleyes:

Vorsprung

What I meant was that it's probably better to do something like speed dating with one or two mates. God knows the womans do it that way!

Heyes

bigjimthefirst wrote:

What I meant was that it's probably better to do something like speed dating with one or two mates. God knows the womans do it that way!

Ah I know, my statement was nt really directed at what you said. I was more so just make my own statement.

condra

u guys should go for a drink together

Heyes

womoma wrote:

u guys should go for a drink together

Ha ha ha, yes im sure it comes across as a little sad...but sure just having a little rant

rrrrr

Mr Me No Reg wrote:

Thanks for the late night advice guys....euye..


Just Lonely or looking for Lady?
Perhaps I was a little unclear here, but I would say definately looking for GF,
I actually Have a few really good friends. Mostly not in Dublin,
but I talk to them regularly. And they do indeed keep me on the straight and narrow as it were.

I am slow to make friends, but I think I have had good 'friend support' for a few years now (thankfully).
I have never had a GF though, or anything close for a very long time.


Work (Womoma): computers, Social scene is quite good - usually go to da pub on Thursday. Good craic as companies go but not a big company - gene pool is limited...

Meeting women (Dublindude): Not sure how to do this - pubs, nightclubs, parties? I've gone to such things in the past many times but just don't know how or where to start making a connection....
Could be that in the past I was reluctant to get involved or whatever. I'm not usually lazy about things, so I don't think its that.

Clubs/Lessons (Womoma): Yes I could try that sort of thing,
(for the 'meet more people' side of things anyway). Any suggestions?

1. Don't post, "I want a girlfriend" on a message board of any kind.

2. Get outside the house and interact with people on a daily basis.

BeardyGit

rrrrr wrote:

1. Don't post, "I want a girlfriend" on a message board of any kind.

2. Get outside the house and interact with people on a daily basis.

Impressive insight there.

@ OP: Good to hear you've some good friends. Why not invite 'em up to Dublin every now and then and the lot of you can hit the tiles for a night out. If it's a group of lads (and you're not all rat arsed) you'd stand a fair chance of having a good laugh if you team up with a random group of girls in a pub or similar. Again, just a thought and there's strength in numbers!

Gil

AARRRGH

Mr Me No Reg wrote:

Meeting women (Dublindude): Not sure how to do this - pubs, nightclubs, parties? I've gone to such things in the past many times but just don't know how or where to start making a connection....
Could be that in the past I was reluctant to get involved or whatever. I'm not usually lazy about things, so I don't think its that.

Well, you could just do what I do. I walk up and say "Hello..." and then just talk bull**** (i.e. try to be funny, sound interested, etc etc.) It's really not that hard. My thinking is always, "If I don't approach her I've already failed..."

Works for me!

Dagon

The best piece of advice I've seen so far (and this applies to all the other personal issues where there are problems meeting people, social interaction, lack of friends):

rrrrr: "2. Get outside the house and interact with people on a daily basis."

This is simple advice, but it does work. I used to be a shy and very self-absorbed person. I felt alienated, and like I didn't belong anywhere, and never met nice girls.

Now I actually don't have any time to myself. I haven't sat down and watched TV in months. Pretty much every day there is some activity I'm involved with where I meet lots if interesting people who inspire me and helped give me confidence and energy to go further, and I've changed so much. Either it's drama or martial arts or music or a college society night out, etc. there is always something, and there are always loads of people. And knowing a few people loads to knowing some more people leads to knowing more people, and more and more... get involved in helping out with stuff. Be charitable with your time, do some voluntary stuff. You will reap the rewards, and it is a form of wealth much greater than money.

Leave yourself behind, forget about your past and create a new you every day

Exon

Man, would you want a girl who posts on internet forums saying she's lonely and looking for a date? Go out every weekend get drunk and try it on with every girl there and don't give a sh!t what anyone thinks. You only live once.

turbot

Hey,

Women are everywhere. There are 3(ish) billion on the planet.

If you want to solve this for yourself then you need to behave in ways that teaches you to enjoy easily interacting with more women, and then learn to rock their World by the way you tease them and make them feel.

I suggest you do this:

1) Go out and strike up random conversations with girls. At least 10 a day. You don't have to fancy them. Easy places are bus stops, streets in temple bar, queues in coffee shops. Practice making them feel good by having fun with them yourself. Do this every day for a week. Your purpose to engage their attention, amuse and make them laugh, without slagging yourself off in the process. Don't do so aiming to get their phone numbers; instead exit the conversation within 5 minutes and simply have fun.

This helps you deal with attachment and also confidence.

2) The next week. Do the same, if you see someone you already know, say hi and make them laugh again. If you meet someone you get on well with, take out your phone and say "So what's your number" expecting they'll give it to you. They almost always will. Or invite them for coffee on the spot. Some will go for it. Others won't. Play it cool.

3) Make sure your apartment is clean and nice enough to be worthy of visitors.

Arrange to meet your new found friends for something simple, different and fun, ideally where there is stuff going on around you and where you can also hear each other. Like get them to come christmas shopping with you. Show up with mince pies and a mini, one glass sized bottle of wine and mini glasses. After they've had 3 mini-glasses of wine, tell them they've had a lot of wine and they should cool it. Playfully stimulate them and amuse them at the same time.

Play and have fun....
Be honest...

Good situations and mutual slagging driven by good intentions often sets the context for kissing and more to happen by itself.

Dagon

turbot, this may have worked for you, and is good advice for someone who is very social to start with. But that depends on your own confidence level and ability to socialise. From what the original poster has said, I think maybe it's something that can be built up more gradually, as what you've suggested is quite an extreme approach. Trying to go from being quite reserved into forcing yourself to "make people laugh" could cause a lot of conflict for the OP, and may also feel ackward and unnatural. I know it would do for me, and to simply go out and do all this is a lot easier said than done. Especially if there is no excuse to go talking to people.

Just be natural, and let it happen when it should. Put yourself in situations where you are involved with lots of other people, and it will happen natually and spontaneously. The forced approach never worked too well for me... and girls can usually tell if you are feeling a little uncomfortable with the whole thing!

After a while, and after a lot of confidence building... then YES you will probably be detached enough from the whole thing to go down temple bar, charming babes at every corner... but it ain't a good idea to start there!

IMHO anywy

turbot

Sometimes it's psychologically useful to commit to an outcome by doing something thats out of (your present) character, to change the whole notion of who you are. If it's personally challenging, it's likely to be beneficial. If you can overcome one fear, you can realise you can overcome many.

Life is a big deal and shyness is a socially compromising force. Like an addiction to drugs or being in prison, it can prevent you from enjoying the sweetest aspects of life. If you are prepared to tolerate that, will you be glad you did when you are 90? Or will you look back on your crappy self excuses and wish you'd make the most of every moment?

The difference between living and keeping to yourself, and selectively engaging with worthwhile people is that:
- By meeting and talking to more women, you get to find out and learn about who you like and get on with
- It's to some extent a numbers game, and also what your *game* is...

The problem with taking it slow is in practice it doesn't really work and equates with not doing anything. When you only make very minor incremental progress is that the return is so minimal it's often barely worthwhile, and thus not very motivating. Also you don't feel like that much is changing.

All guys are nervous around women they really like, to some extent.

The difference between the guys who do best and who don't is how you channel that nervous energy. Some people rule the stage, and get to be thrilled. Others never get on up on it and spend their life frustrated with a lack of self expression.

I guess the question you have to ask is:
- Are you happy masturbating, or do you want to live out your sexual fantasies?
- Do you want to wake up alone morning after morning, or do you want to wake up, feeling like a rock-star, with a girl who makes your eyes glad?

Because remember, there are loads of wortwhile women out there too, and if you don't play the part, you not only make yourself miserable, but you deny them the quality of experience you could offer if you lived really well.

If you don't know how to make people laugh, watch as many DVD's of top comedians as it takes until it rubs off.

If you are too shy to make idle chat at bus stops, start by asking for the time.

If you're not prepared to challenge yourself, if you live in fear, do you really think really worthwhile women are going to dig that? Will

Besides; there are loads of dating websites, there are loads of singles events, there are loads of nightclubs full of girls who are likely to kiss back if you're sincere in your approach.

LegacyUser

TURBOT

Your advise is really googd, are you very successful with women, if so will you reveal your secrets for all of us lonely guys?

LegacyUser

Ok Thanks for all the helpful advice guys & girls. Very positive, I like it!. (especially with the Fearful Chrismal approaching)
I will print this thread out and carry it around in a bright yellow folder, for quick reference during social situations. Watch Out!