She changed her mind

LegacyUser

I have to get this off my chest fast. I met a girl from europe online. We just chatted a little, nothing else. She has a boyfriend. Her father lives in Ireland, near where I live. She came here a few months ago. We really hit it off..met every day for a month or so. Then one night in my car we held each other.

She told me afterwards that she likes me, but she wants to stay with her boyfriend. I am here, he is there. So we just held each other from time to time. Nothing else. The thing is that now I have really strong feelings for her, and she just told me that her boyfriend is coming here in two months.

I feel terrible. Part of me wants to cut off all contact with her to make my life easier, but she is the best person I have ever met, and I mean that. She is the best friend I have had, gives good council and is effectionate. Shes very good company and has a great sense of humour. Shes also very very good looking. She is a dancer/model.

I am a little introverted and rarely meet people I can click with. I have only a few friends. The sense of loss I feel now is consuming me. I dont know how I will face work tomorrow, or the future in general.

When she first came to Ireland, they were having problems and she was going to leave him. I loved being with her. I was transformed by her really. She brought out the best in me. I was happy, funny, confident and outgoing surprisingly. Now I just feel empty, weak and depressed.

Now she has raised the bar for what I want/need in a partner. Shes like no-one I've ever met before.

I've been looking at my life a lot lately, even before she came on the scene. I dont like my job a lot, and I'm tired of the people I work with. I dont think I like the culture in Ireland. I dont want to drink all the time just to have human contact.

I've been on a waiting list for a psychologist for months but because of my funny work hours I dont think theyll ever be able to take me, and I cant afford the others really. And I dont think councilling will be enough for me.

I've read a lot on how to be more optimistic and be your own person. I've tried the "love yourself first" thing, and it still doesnt work. I have a lot of good things in my life, but my heart isnt really in it and they dont help me.

I know this is meandering a bit, but I'm lost at the moment..this is all just off the top of my head.

I dont think I am the person I should be. If you meet me (depending on my mood), you will think I am a little quiet/shy but good to talk to. But when I was with her I was engaging and in control. Even if the situation was bad (eg. a bad party or something) I could turn the whole thing around and get people talking and laughing.

I've just realised that thats part of the problem, its something in me that I am loosing too, and I dont really need her for that (if I believe what I read). But she really is the best so far. Everybody loves her, not just me. She shines. She is very strong and doesnt really worry about much. Situations that I would find earth shattering, she can quickly laugh at after words.

I'm mentally exhausted now. It only came to a head now, but it has been on my mind for months. I dont even have a question, but if someone can prod me in direction Id be grateful.......

Thanks.

cournioni

In fairness fifteenchars, it is totally out of your hands. You have to just think that way and get on with your own life. I was in the same situation as yourself a couple of months back, although the girl I met is living a mile down the road from me (which is hateful tbh!). She had everything I liked in a girl, and she told me she liked me but like yourself there was a stumbling block.

I'm actually surprised at how similar this situation is to my own, so all I can say is just wait and see what happens. You may end up being gutted, or you may end up being over the moon, stars and galaxies! Just take it as it comes, and if worst comes to worst there will always be someone else out there for you.


P.S. Have you told her how you feel about her in any way?

rrrrr

fifteenchars wrote:

I have to get this off my chest fast. I met a girl from europe online. We just chatted a little, nothing else. She has a boyfriend. Her father lives in Ireland, near where I live. She came here a few months ago. We really hit it off..met every day for a month or so. Then one night in my car we held each other.

She told me afterwards that she likes me, but she wants to stay with her boyfriend. I am here, he is there. So we just held each other from time to time. Nothing else. The thing is that now I have really strong feelings for her, and she just told me that her boyfriend is coming here in two months.

I feel terrible. Part of me wants to cut off all contact with her to make my life easier, but she is the best person I have ever met, and I mean that. She is the best friend I have had, gives good council and is effectionate. Shes very good company and has a great sense of humour. Shes also very very good looking. She is a dancer/model.

I am a little introverted and rarely meet people I can click with. I have only a few friends. The sense of loss I feel now is consuming me. I dont know how I will face work tomorrow, or the future in general.

When she first came to Ireland, they were having problems and she was going to leave him. I loved being with her. I was transformed by her really. She brought out the best in me. I was happy, funny, confident and outgoing surprisingly. Now I just feel empty, weak and depressed.

Now she has raised the bar for what I want/need in a partner. Shes like no-one I've ever met before.

I've been looking at my life a lot lately, even before she came on the scene. I dont like my job a lot, and I'm tired of the people I work with. I dont think I like the culture in Ireland. I dont want to drink all the time just to have human contact.

I've been on a waiting list for a psychologist for months but because of my funny work hours I dont think theyll ever be able to take me, and I cant afford the others really. And I dont think councilling will be enough for me.

I've read a lot on how to be more optimistic and be your own person. I've tried the "love yourself first" thing, and it still doesnt work. I have a lot of good things in my life, but my heart isnt really in it and they dont help me.

I know this is meandering a bit, but I'm lost at the moment..this is all just off the top of my head.

I dont think I am the person I should be. If you meet me (depending on my mood), you will think I am a little quiet/shy but good to talk to. But when I was with her I was engaging and in control. Even if the situation was bad (eg. a bad party or something) I could turn the whole thing around and get people talking and laughing.

I've just realised that thats part of the problem, its something in me that I am loosing too, and I dont really need her for that (if I believe what I read). But she really is the best so far. Everybody loves her, not just me. She shines. She is very strong and doesnt really worry about much. Situations that I would find earth shattering, she can quickly laugh at after words.

I'm mentally exhausted now. It only came to a head now, but it has been on my mind for months. I dont even have a question, but if someone can prod me in direction Id be grateful.......

Thanks.

I feel your pain. it happened to me... twice. I was head over heels in love but didn't know what to do about it. long story short my heart was severely broken and i felt terrible

the problem you have is, this girl is your only option. Because of this you invest so much into her as she is the only woman on your radar. This has to change very fast. trust me, there are girls who are like her all over the place. girls who you would like even more than her.

I dont know the situation but judging from the act that you obviously have low self esteem and she has rejected you and you are posting on a message board for help, I would say MOVE ON. And YES, you must cut all contact with her and meet more people and get more social skills so that you can get on with your life.

Zombrex

My advice would be to not look to other people to make your life happy.

This girl that you have know properly for, what, a month might be the perfect woman of your dreams, but even if you can't have her it still shouldn't be the end of the world. How much of it is her and how much of it is what you want her to do for you.

You got to learn to live in your own skin. I have no idea what you mean when you say you have tried and it does work. I seriously doubt you have tried that hard. You say councilling won't be enough for you? Give it a serious go. In 15 years if you decide it didn't help give it up.

I know a few people who tried councilling for a few months, it got hard, they had to face some issues they didn't like, so they gave it up saying "it didn't help" and they went right back to looking for someone (friends or partners) to make them happy again. Councilling isn't supposed to make you all better in a few months

It is a lot easier to lie around wishing for something else to come in and make everything better. But it is very unhealthy to look to other people to make you happy. Firstly they never measure up, because lets face it most people don't want to spend their lives being someone elses emotional crutch. Secondly, it isn't other people that are the problem, the problem is in your head and it can't be solved by other people.

Sorry if that was a bit brutal, but I have been the "crutch", i have seen someone close to me downward spiral because they believe no one was helping them (the "no one is doing their job to make me happy" syndrome, as I called it later), try councilling, give it up because the councillor was "mean" to them, and just basically end up angry and pissed off at everyone else because they were unhappy.

This girl isn't the girl of your dreams. You don't even know her properly (chatting on the internet and meeting for a month isn't knowing someone). You like her because the way she makes you feel better about your life. If you were actually togehter that wouldn't last, trust me.

WhiteWashMan

fifteenchars wrote:

I have to get this off my chest fast. I met a girl from europe online. We just chatted a little, nothing else. She has a boyfriend. Her father lives in Ireland, near where I live. She came here a few months ago. We really hit it off..met every day for a month or so. Then one night in my car we held each other.

She told me afterwards that she likes me, but she wants to stay with her boyfriend. I am here, he is there. So we just held each other from time to time. Nothing else. The thing is that now I have really strong feelings for her, and she just told me that her boyfriend is coming here in two months.

I feel terrible. Part of me wants to cut off all contact with her to make my life easier, but she is the best person I have ever met, and I mean that. She is the best friend I have had, gives good council and is effectionate. Shes very good company and has a great sense of humour. Shes also very very good looking. She is a dancer/model.

I am a little introverted and rarely meet people I can click with. I have only a few friends. The sense of loss I feel now is consuming me. I dont know how I will face work tomorrow, or the future in general.

When she first came to Ireland, they were having problems and she was going to leave him. I loved being with her. I was transformed by her really. She brought out the best in me. I was happy, funny, confident and outgoing surprisingly. Now I just feel empty, weak and depressed.

Now she has raised the bar for what I want/need in a partner. Shes like no-one I've ever met before.

I've been looking at my life a lot lately, even before she came on the scene. I dont like my job a lot, and I'm tired of the people I work with. I dont think I like the culture in Ireland. I dont want to drink all the time just to have human contact.

I've been on a waiting list for a psychologist for months but because of my funny work hours I dont think theyll ever be able to take me, and I cant afford the others really. And I dont think councilling will be enough for me.

I've read a lot on how to be more optimistic and be your own person. I've tried the "love yourself first" thing, and it still doesnt work. I have a lot of good things in my life, but my heart isnt really in it and they dont help me.

I know this is meandering a bit, but I'm lost at the moment..this is all just off the top of my head.

I dont think I am the person I should be. If you meet me (depending on my mood), you will think I am a little quiet/shy but good to talk to. But when I was with her I was engaging and in control. Even if the situation was bad (eg. a bad party or something) I could turn the whole thing around and get people talking and laughing.

I've just realised that thats part of the problem, its something in me that I am loosing too, and I dont really need her for that (if I believe what I read). But she really is the best so far. Everybody loves her, not just me. She shines. She is very strong and doesnt really worry about much. Situations that I would find earth shattering, she can quickly laugh at after words.

I'm mentally exhausted now. It only came to a head now, but it has been on my mind for months. I dont even have a question, but if someone can prod me in direction Id be grateful.......

Thanks.

to be honest, it sounds like you are using this girl as a cruth to cure your problems. she wont. if she becomes your girlfriend, you will not suddenly become extroverted, you will not suddenly love your job etc etc etc.

sure, she may be a wonderful perosn, but you have 2 issues here. you have the girl issue and yor own problems.

the girl issue is resolved. she wants her boyfriend. she has said so and she has been up front and honest. she obviously values you as a friend, but thats all you are, and you have comforted her when she has been lonely without him. thats as good as it gets for you. move on. cut contact if you want to, or dont. its up to you, but dont believe that this girl will be some magic bullet that will cure all your problems. she isnt.

while you may be onthe waiting list for therapy, i would suggest you take yourself along to a councillor and start to look at some of the issues you have. it may have no effect for you, on the other hand, you may realise some things.
it osunds like youre depressed and stuck in a rut, and they often say that a change is as good as a rest. personally, when i was stuck in a rut in my life a few years ago, i moved country. there was nothing for me in ireland, i was fed up of pub life and having no money and just wanted a change., it did wonders for me. im not saying you have to move out of ireland to achieve this, but maybe even moving house or flat, or even changing the furniture may be a good excersize to start with. maybe chnage some clothes. go shopping.
you will start to look and feel better about yourself. try something new. change hair colour. just dont sit in your own misery and feel there is nothing for you. its amazing how just one little change can turn everything around.

by the way, i bleached my hair many many many years ago, and its true, blondes do have more fun

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your replies. Very very good comments from everyone. I appreciate it. Yesterday I got a promotion at work so that will help things a lot.

Pornapster, to answer your question, she told me one night that she doesnt think about her boyfriend at all, but she thinks of me every night. But that was when we were spending every day together for about two months solid. Now she has started working and we dont see each other so much. I avoid her a little now because I dont like seeing her.

rrrr - You are completely right about needing to develop social skills. As of about a month ago, whenever I am asked to ANYTHING, I say yes.
But when people see me as shy, they are too careful with me and maybe afraid to joke with me incase I break or something

Some days I literally forget what the hell the problem is. I started getting panic attacks in April (They've stopped now, but my heart is always racing). But some days, I just think "everything is fine you fool" and I go and meet people, I feel relaxed and normal, my personality comes through and I can win people over. I make a mental note to myself (and lately I've started keeping a diary of my feelings and what caused them), but when I feel bad, they dont help.

Wicknight - I am coming to realize that happiness needs to come from within. I used to be like this. As a child I was happy on my own, and I have a lot of solitary hobbies. I think thats how I ended up with so few friends. When I said councilling wont be enought, I am saying that I really need a qualified psychologist and not just a councillor. I dont think a councillor can help. But the waiting list is long for the psychologist I've looked up. But I will take WhiteWashMans advice and get councilling while I am waiting for a psychologist.

But I have to say that I have tried. I have a list of my traits when I am at my best and I look at them in the morning and say them to myself in the mirror. If I feel good, they make me feel better, but if I feel bad, they dont help.

You are right though, I need to get more proactive with the social/life side of things. I will start dancing lessons I think, or something where I can meet people who just want to have fun.

I have to say that I do know her very well. She is very probing of peoples thoughts and has asked me my view on nearly everything imaginable. She has her faults and would be a difficult girlfriend, but I'm not looking for a nice easy relationship.

WhiteWashMan, I agree with everything you've said. I am tired of Ireland and would love to leave the country, but I dont have the social skills yet. And I am afraid I would get depressed in a country where maybe I cant find an english speaking councillor.

I'm going to put more effort into my life first. Try to get the things I want/need myself, and if there really is something in the way, other than my own bad expectations, then I will get help.

WhiteWashMan

fifteenchars wrote:

WhiteWashMan, I agree with everything you've said. I am tired of Ireland and would love to leave the country, but I dont have the social skills yet. And I am afraid I would get depressed in a country where maybe I cant find an english speaking councillor..

?

no offence, but thats bullsh1t excuses.
if you wanted to see a councillor, you would have done so by now.
instead ou have sat by happily waiting for therapy, that in all honesty is probably not going to do you much good, becuase quite frankly, i dont think you want it to.
making a change in your life has nothing to do with social skills. and you wont gain any by sitting around. besides, you can talk cant you, then you have social skills. all of that is more rubbish to not try and do anything. more excuses to sit about and mope.

cant find an english speaking councillor?
you know they speak english in england, america, canada, australia and pretty much throughout mainland europe as a second language. thats pathetic!

these are all excuses.

im not saying you should follow my advice, but you have just summed up exactly what is wrong with your life. its not the girl. you just dont want to try anything becuase youre afraid you will fail.

try buying a lotto ticket. you can win anything without one.

Ishindar

humans need to build. block by block we build up our lives. Start with a little block and when u are ready add another block. Build towards something and when u are comfortable u are making progress start another bottom brick and build towards something else. occasionally look at your blocks and admire your great achievements and clap yourself on the back.