Does a happy marriage have to start with a happy relationship?

SuprSi

This isn't about me, I'm just concerned about a friend of mine that's getting married, or at least has accepted a proposal to be married to a bloke that she has spent the last few months arguing and fighting with. He's 7 years older than her (39) and I had a long chat with her about a month ago where she explained that she'd had enough and basically told him that he needs to decide whether he wants to commit or get out of the relationship. Basically they'd taken a break.

Anyway, I was speaking to her today and she told me that her bloke proposed to her on Sunday and she said yes. This is hours after she had decided she was leaving him, had argued with him all weekend, had organised to stay with a friend, etc, etc. She described the whole thing as weird, and didn't really sound as happy I would've expected.

I guess it's not really any of my business, but when a friend tells me that she's unhappy in a relationship, then accepts a marriage proposal, shortly after deciding it was all over, I can't help thinking that it's a bad idea. I don't know the bloke, and I don't know what their relationship was like before they starting not getting on, but surely the basis of a good marriage is a good prior relationship?

Am I way off the mark here? I'll probably spend some time talking to her on Saturday so I'd like to see if I should be expressing my concerns or if I should just be happy for her.

Gordon

Although it's her life and her decision, I personally would talk to her and express my concerns if I was in your shoes.

AARRRGH

I think at that age - 39 & 46 (or perhaps 32 & 39, not sure who was the 39 year old) - people have different priorities. Maybe they feel time is running out to find "the one" and will take whatever they're offered?

I have to say, of the few (only 3) "older" relationships I've seen, they seem to be willing to marry without being in love. Financial stability and things like that seem to be much more important.

SuprSi

She's 32, and yeah I'd considered the financial thing, though she's doing incredibly well for herself and is very independant. Maybe it's just my foolish notions of romance being the cornerstone of any long term relationship, not to mention marriage. I forgot to mention that about 3 weeks ago she said she was never getting married, that it wasn't for her. I dunno, I think I'm going to have to inquire a little more on Saturday. Thanks lads

tbh

Although I share your concerns for your friend, you don't want to appear as if you think you know better than her - that'll make her defensive right off the bat, and could put your friendship at risk. My advice: sit her down, tell her straight that you are concerned she is making a mistake, but that you will accept her decision and support it - and then do that. Poor girl, but at least she's got a mate like you.

SuprSi

Good point - though I don't know her that long, not as long as she's been in the relationship, we get on really well and I think we appreciate each others advice.

Whatever decision she makes I'll be happy for her, as long as she's happy and absolutely sure that it's what she wants. I just have to voice my concerns as I don't think I could call myself her mate if I didn't.

WhiteWashMan

SuprSi wrote:

This isn't about me, I'm just concerned about a friend of mine that's getting married, or at least has accepted a proposal to be married to a bloke that she has spent the last few months arguing and fighting with. He's 7 years older than her (39) and I had a long chat with her about a month ago where she explained that she'd had enough and basically told him that he needs to decide whether he wants to commit or get out of the relationship. Basically they'd taken a break.

Anyway, I was speaking to her today and she told me that her bloke proposed to her on Sunday and she said yes. This is hours after she had decided she was leaving him, had argued with him all weekend, had organised to stay with a friend, etc, etc. She described the whole thing as weird, and didn't really sound as happy I would've expected.

I guess it's not really any of my business, but when a friend tells me that she's unhappy in a relationship, then accepts a marriage proposal, shortly after deciding it was all over, I can't help thinking that it's a bad idea. I don't know the bloke, and I don't know what their relationship was like before they starting not getting on, but surely the basis of a good marriage is a good prior relationship?

Am I way off the mark here? I'll probably spend some time talking to her on Saturday so I'd like to see if I should be expressing my concerns or if I should just be happy for her.

are you talking about happy relationship or a loving one?
i know plenty of people in both.

SuprSi

I don't know, I guess I'd always put the two together. Surely you couldn't have a loving relationship without it being happy? You could have a happy relationship without love, but could it turn into a marital relationship, or should it?

WhiteWashMan

SuprSi wrote:

I don't know, I guess I'd always put the two together. Surely you couldn't have a loving relationship without it being happy? You could have a happy relationship without love, but could it turn into a marital relationship, or should it?

the only answer you can give, is would you?

me, i wouldnt get married if i wasnt in love, and if i wasnt happy. i also dont believe that a relationship 'needs to be worked at' in order to be successful.

you shouldnt have to work at a relationship just to be civil to each other. if you need to 'try' to keep your relationship going, then there is already something wrong.

if you had ot bring your car to the garage every other week to get it fixed, youd soon dump it. a partner is no different.
although, not made of metal, and doesnt have tyres.
obviously.

SuprSi

I agree with everything you say, which is kind of my point in her situation. If both things aren't there, and she has had to struggle through a fair chunk of the relationship before marriage, what difference will marriage make?

Different strokes I suppose. Thanks

Beruthiel

SuprSi wrote:

she's doing incredibly well for herself and is very independant.

then you should advise her to stay that way, she may need to fall back on it later.
if they are arguing and fighting now, then that won't change unless whatever they are fighting about does. You haven't said what that is, but if you are like this with your partner that doesn't tend to change, it tends to get worse until you get fed up with it and decide you've had enough.
she's 32, is her body clock ticking, is she desperate do you think? sounds to me like she is if one minute she's finished and the next she's engaged, she doesn't seem to know what she wants, surely you should be 100% sure before getting married to someone, surely it should feel right

at the end of the day though, it's her life and she will have to make her own mistakes, just be her friend, sounds like she'll be needing you later.

Miss Fluff

It certainly seems like panic-buying. Sad thing is, a lot of women reach their early 30s and, blinded by a cumpulsion to fall in love and settle down often settle for second best. Some people would rather be with the wrong person than be on their own. If you're a good mate you need to be honest with her and remind her how unhappy she was with this guy before the proposal and think about it properly.....a diamond doesn't make everything alright (apparently lol )

annR

It sounds to me like you don't really know enough about the relationship to be voicing your concerns. You don't know why she is marrying him.

>>she'd had enough and basically told him that he needs to decide whether he wants to commit or get out of the relationship. Basically they'd taken a break.<<

Maybe the rows were about him not committing. Now he has!

Rather than sitting her down and telling her she's making a big mistake (which I think would be a bit presumptuous), why not ask her a few tactful questions like is she happy he's committing now, or if the things they were rowing about before have gotten sorted out. Is she happy now? Or just say - gosh 3 weeks ago you said you'd had enough, what's changed? Her answers should help both you and her understand if there is a problem.

~Leanne~

Dont know the people involved or the circumstances over thier fighting, but to have a row big enough to force you to sleep elsewhere for the night hours AFTER they got engaged rings alarm bells with me!!
I know they are adults well able to make thier own decisions but if that was me i DEFINETLY would not be wlaking down that aisle until i was truely happy!!

Just my 2 cents.....

The Corinthian

I’ve a very good friend who was in a similar situation. Of course in this case the reason why they were arguing was precisely because he wouldn’t commit. They still argue a lot, but then again some couples thrive on conflict. This isn’t to say you don’t have valid concerns, but as has been suggested, there’s probably more to this than you would know.

Of course, it may also be panic buying, as has been suggested. It’s very difficult, regardless of your gender, to reach a certain age and not feel that it may be time to settle down. But compromise and panic buying are not the same thing - especially given that many are trying to find an ideal that is probably unrealistic in the first place.

Such is the romantic propaganda that we’re bombarded with from an early age that I’m surprised that anyone settles for anything less than Brad Pitt / Angelina Jolie look-alikes. On the other hand you’ll find quite a few men (typically in their early forties) and women (typically in their early thirties) who’ll ignore even the most blatant incompatibilities and settle for anything that is free and mammalian.

I suspect there’s no harm giving your friend the “fools rush in” speech, as long as you present her with no judgment about her relationship, only that she should think before leaping. If she is panic buying she has to figure it out on her own, otherwise if you convince her and she ends up single, she’ll eventually come to blame you.

annR

I've had people giving me 'their opinions' about *my* relationship and it drives me *MAD*. I can't say how angry it makes me. It's always people who have a totally different view of what a relationship is about and who never bother to ask what I think it's about :mad: Oh and the opinion is *always* unasked for.
She might be angry with you if you do that. However if you're right and she is really misguided or making a mistake in some way, by you asking some good questions, she's more likely to realise herself that she doesn't have good answers. Surely this is better than her taking your advice and always wondering whether she should have or not.

musing

Tell her to run away. Arguments are needed but so is happiness

SuprSi

Don't get me wrong, I'm no expert on relationships, and as mentioned I don't know the exact circumstances of their relationship before they started arguing. All I know is that she was leaving him at the weekend after a month of 'a horrible time', as she described it, then out of the blue he proposed, and she accepted. Maybe this is what she wanted all along - I haven't had a chance to properly speak to her yet, just a quick phone call where she mentioned it.

If she's happy she's doing the right thing, I'll be delighted for her. She did say (whether jokingly or not) that she was getting on a bit, so perhaps her biological clock is ticking more than I thought, but again I don't see that as any reason to settle for something because it's there.

I won't offer her advice unless she asks, but I will ask a few non-intrusive questions and if she asks me what I think I'll base my answers on what she tells me. If she says she's happy, I'll congratulate her. If she's unsure or if it still feels strange (like yesterday) and not happy (which I think accpeting a marriage proposal should make you) then I'll question a little more, but again, I'll only offer advice if asked. This chat will most liekly happen on Saturday so she'll have had a week to get used to the idea, so I expect her to be chuffed, in which case I'll leave it and be happy for her

Victor

It struck me as one of those relationship where she is desparate for love / attention, he is abusive, but she puts up with it because he is there. She threatens to go independent, he proposes marraige to 'trap her'.

I have no idea if I am right, but this is what struck me on reading the thread.

Does a happy marriage have to start with a happy relationship?

I think it is certainly more difficult to have a happy marriage if the initial relationship isn't happy.

When I see my sister arguing with her husband I cringe almost like the 6 year old in a broken marriage. Are you a 6 year old?

SuprSi

Victor wrote:

Are you a 6 year old?

Eh, not sure what you mean by that, but I get the rest of your post, though he's definitely not abusive as she definitely would've left him by now if that were the case. And as long as I've known her she's never come across as needy or craving attention, though again that could be something that's easy to overlook when the attention is already there.

But I definitely won't cringe if things don't work out. After Saturday, it'll be none of my business, unless she wants it to be.

shakaman

SuprSi wrote:

I had a long chat with her about a month ago where she explained that she'd had enough and basically told him that he needs to decide whether he wants to commit or get out of the relationship. Basically they'd taken a break.

Correct me if I'm wrong but it seems from you've said that your friennds major gripe with her boyfriend was commitment, hence the break.

He's made his mind up that she's the one for him and she's accepted, in the time between now and the wedding she will warm to the idea........she's obviously going to be a bit weird going from a break to ebgaged.

I would support her like the friend you are but any unwanted advice may turn her against you.