Liverpool Jokes ere

liamskater

What have Liverpool and a three pin plug got in common?
Their both useless in Europe.



Two boys are playing football in the park when one of them is attacked by a rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence, forces it into the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's neck. All the while, a newspaper reporter who was taking a stroll through the park is watching. He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition. He writes, "Manchester City fan saves friend from vicious animal." The boy interrupts: "But I'm not a City fan." The reporter starts again: "Manchester United fan saves friend from horrific attack." The boy interrupts again: "I'm not a United fan either." The reporter asks: "Who do you support, then?" "Liverpool," replies the boy. So the reporter starts again: "Scouse b*****d kills family pet"




Snow White, Arnold Schwazennegger and Quasimodo are having a conversation. Snow White says "Everybody tells me I am the most beautiful, divine woman that any man has ever laid his eyes on, but how do I know?" Arnie says "I know what you mean. Everybody tells me I am the most muscular, hunky man that has ever lived, but how do I know?" Quasimodo says "Yes. Everybody tells me I am the most disgusting, despicable, grotesque creature that has ever roamed the earth, but how do I know?" Snow White says "Let's go and see the wise man!" So off they go. Snow White goes in first and five minutes later she comes out and says: "It's true. I am the most beautiful, divine woman that any man has ever laid his eyes on." Arnie goes in and five minutes later he comes out and says: "It's true. I am the most muscular, hunky man that has ever lived." Quasimodo goes in and five minutes later he comes out and says: "Who's this Peter Beardsley character then?"




Quote"I love Liverpool, they are great - I know that because I watch them on Sky TV all the time. I once drove past Liverpool on my way to a wedding a few years ago but I didn't have time to get to a match (next time maybe). My favourite player is Ian rush, but I think I will make it Michael Owen soon because he is worth more now.




Q: What do you call a Liverpool fan in a suit?
A: The accused




Q: What's the difference between a Liverpool fan and a broken clock?
A: Even a broken clock is right twice a day!




Q: Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?
A: Because if it walked it would be mugged.




Q: Why will Liverpool never win the League?
A: They keep scoring Owen goals




If you see a Liverpool Fan on a bike, why should you never swerve to hit him... ?

It might be your bike...



Two scousers in a pub.
what's funny is that its 4 in the morning and they've broke in.


Theres a scouse and a manc talking in a pub. the scouser says to the mank 'hows the missis'. 'fine thanks' replys the mank 'hows yours' not so good because yesterday she was crossing the road when a car missed her by inches. 'inches' said the mank, 'that was close'.'yes!' replied the scouser, 'the carpets filthy'!


This scouser walks into the shop and buys the sun for 20p. he gives the shop assistant a two pound coin and only gets change for a quid. 'excuse me' says the scouser 'but you've only given me change for a quid and i gave you £2'. the shop assistant realised this and apologised. the next day the same thing happened, as it did again the following. the scouser got a little bit sick of complaining and on the fourth day said that it was the fourth consecutive day this had happened. the shop assistant apologised and pointed out it was because the till was broken. 'if the till was broken, why didnt you just do the maths in your head' to which the shop assistant replied he couldn't because 6 week ago he got a letter off his mum who had fallen off the bus!



This scouser has just nicked a car and he and his wive are checking it over to see how much they can get for it.the man asks his wife "ill press the indicators you see if they work'the thick scouse women goes to the back of the car and say "yes its working! Oh no its not! It is now! its stopped again! Working ......





Paddy the Irish Scouser is appearing on who wants to be a millionaire

Chris Tarrant: "Paddy you've done very well so far -£64,000 and 1 life left - phone a friend, the next question will give you £125,000 if you get it right but if you get it wrong you will be out of the game and drop to £32,000 - are you ready?"

Paddy : "For sure Chris I am"Chris : " On the screen is a photo of a current Liverpool player as a baby - which Liverpool player player is it - now ?

Think about this carefully Paddy its worth £125,000 only 3 questions away from the million"

Paddy : " I think I know who it is ........er....but I'm not sure, no I'm sure its Fowler , I'm sure its Fowler (pause) can I phone a friend Chris just to be sure ?"

Chris: "Yes Paddy who do you want to phone ?"

Paddy : "I'll phone Murphy" (ringing)

Murphy : "Hello"

Chris : "Hello Murphy its Chris Tarrant here from who wants to be a millionaire - I have Paddy O'Reilly here and he is doing really well on £64,000 but needs your help to get to £125,000 - Murphy are you next to the fax machine as this is a visual question I'm faxing you a photo now have you received it ?"

Murphy : "Yes"

Chris: " The next voice you hear will be Paddys - he'll explain

the question and you have 30 seconds to answer - fire away Paddy"

Paddy : " Murphy that photo is a baby photo of what current Liverpool player - I'm sure its Robbie Fowler what do you think ?"

Murphy : "Its never Fowler its obviously McManaman"

Paddy : "You tink ?

Murphy : "I'm sure "

Paddy : " Thanks Murphy "(hangs up)

Chris : "Well a difference of opinion - do you want to stick on

£64,000 or play on for £125,000 Paddy"

Paddy : "I want to play, I am so sure its Fowler I am going to

go with me first answer - Fowler"

Chris : "Is that your final answer"

Paddy : "It is"

Chris : "Are you confident"

Paddy : "Yes fairly"

Chris : "Paddy .....you had £64,000 and you said Fowler - if

its right you win £125,000 if its wrong you go away with £32,000 -

Paddy (drumroll) ..................................... It was wrong - sorry Paddy.

Here is your cheque for £32,000 you have been a great contestant and a real gambler, audience please put your hands together for Paddy"

(clapping ..................)

Paddy : "Before I go Chris - what was the correct answer its killing me"

Chris : "It was PAUL INCE"





Two boys are playing football in the park when one of them is attacked by a rotweiller. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence, forces it into the dogs collar and twists it , breaking the dogs neck and killing it. While this is going on a Sun reporter is watching. He gets out his notepad and pen and rushes over. He starts writing "Manchester City fan save friends life". The boy interrupts, "I'm not a City fan" he says. The reporter crosses out City and writes "United". "I'm not a United fan either" says the boy. The reporter turns and asks "Well who do you support?" Liverpool" the boy replies. The reporter sighs heavily rips out the page and starts writing "Scouse bastard kills family pet..."



David James is so sad after his latest blunder he decides to end it all, so he walks out of Anfield and throws himself down in front of a number 57 bus. Luckily, it passes under him.



One day, Paul Ince is being chauffeured home in Cheshire, when his driver swerves to avoid a pot hole and hits a strange looking beast on the side of the road, killing it instantly. On inspection of the creature, neither the driver nor Ince knew what the animal was but it was wearing a collar. All the collar read was "THE TWAT", with an owners address. When they arrive at their destination, Ince suggests to the driver that he should go back to the farm house and apologise for the accident and offer to pay for the damages. Three hours later, the driver returns, with all his clothes torn, holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a Cuban cigar in the other, and swaying left to right as he walked. Ince asks the driver "What happened?" "Well, the farmer gave me this bottle, his wife gave me this cigar, and his beautiful 19 year old daughter made passionate love to me!" "Bloody hell - what did you tell them?" "I said, Hi, I'm Paul Ince's driver and I just killed the twat!"



What is the difference between Paul Ince and an Airfix model kit without a tube of glue.

One is a Gluless Kit.....



A bloke rings up the speaking clock and gets the following message. "If you are a police officer or a member of the armed forces then the time is 14:10. If you are an ordinary member of the public it's ten past two in the afternoon, and if you're a Liverpool fan it's Wednesday".



Q. What's the difference between a Liverpool fan and a coconut (part one)?

A. You can get a drink out of a coconut!



Q. What's the difference between a Liverpool fan and a coconut (part two)?
A. One's thick and hairy, and the other's a tropical fruit.



Have you heard the one about the Liverpool fan who fell out of the window ironing her curtains?



Q. What's the difference between a Liverpool fan and a broken clock?
A. Even a broken clock is right twice a day!

liamskater

also what do you say to a scouser on the job?


bigmac nd coke please

Sherifu

Djimi Traore.

liamskater

ye wha?

ctrl-alt-delete

What have Liverpool and a three pin plug got in common?
Their both useless in Europe.

yes....thats why they are european champions,


what has that joke and a three pin plug got in common?
they are both useless as jokes.

liamskater

wha do you say to ctrl-alt-delete on a job?
Bigmac and fries but seriously folks.....

HybridTech

One is a Gluless Kit.....

I'm lovin' it!!

Rnger

ctrl-alt-delete wrote:

what has that joke and a three pin plug got in common?
they are both useless as jokes.

I see what you did there. Very clever! :v:

meditraitor

Rubbish,

RE*AC*TOR

liamskater wrote:

What have Liverpool and a three pin plug got in common?
Their both useless in Europe.

I like the fact that this joke is both factually incorrect and grammatically incorrect. Its a complete package.

For future reference:

"their" = adj. The possessive form of they.

"they're" = Contraction of they are.

whiskeyman

liamskater wrote:

What have Liverpool and a three pin plug got in common?
Their both useless in Europe.

liamskater.... a utd fan in denial!!!

That got the biggest laugh from me!

meditraitor

I believe that since Man utd's early exit from Europe there will be a special one minute laughing at the rest of the premiership grounds over the weekend before the games!!:v:

GLaDOS

Er....micheal owen, Paul Ince and david james dont play for liverpool anymore.... also most of the jokes are "insert team here jokes" some are good though. although the first one makes no sense cause liverpool won the CL last season and are through to last 16 this season, topping a group with chelsea and betis, I rest my case

jaggeh

i dont even like football and i found most of those jokes to be stupid, offensive and incomprehesible.

but still all in all good job

you sure your not a scouser?

liamskater

you insult me im a manc.yeah they are about 3 years old lol.

liamskater

Heres another one but for Arsnal

Whats Arsene Wengers phone number?

087 won nothing won nothing won nothing!

xXxnaoisexXx

ehh liam sorry but they are'nt funny especially to a liverpool suporter *cough* *cough*

danniemcq

or well anyone...

liamskater

dannie isa scouser!

de5p0i1er

There are a few good ones in there all right.

Danno

Stupid most of those.

danniemcq

liamskater wrote:

dannie isa scouser!

now thats funny!

Necronomicon

I liked the Peter Beardsley one, but other than that I had to stop reading....

Shiminay

MY permanent ban finger is itching for blood - but I will calm the beast and just lock the thread. Reminder kids, if you have nothing positive to say, don't post, you're going to be banned from the Humour Board forever.

Dannno, meditraitor and ctrl+alt+del - I'm watching you...