no Girlfriend :( , need advice please!!!

LegacyUser

Hi

Ive a problem talking to girls. Im 24 and never had a girlfriend. Ive kissed girls in clubs but never beyond that.

I guess most of your advice would be to talk and be friends with them, my problem is I don't make friends easy.

Im alrigiht looking, you might even say Im handsome.

Im incredibly shy with people, especially girls i fancy.

It shudn't be, i know, i mean im alright lookin, Im nice, but I just can't go that extra bit. I never had the courage to ask a girl out. I regret not doing so, learning afterwards that these girls liked me. It breaks my heart sometimes.

Its been like this since I was 12. I have been desperatley unhappy for 13 yrs. I used to be so happy b4 I was 12. It all just fell away from me since then, why I dont know even now.

When I meet a girl Im attracted 2 , I just turn into a frog, i scare them away because Im so needy and desperate.

I don't want to do this. I want to be a man. I want them to love me. What can I do ?

Sorry, for my rambling, hope sombody makes a little sense of my predicament.

Thanks for reading

joe

WhiteWashMan

make a list of topics you can chat about, and then when you talk to a girl, you will never be left with nothing to talk about.
after that, it will come naturally.

masterK

And Relax when talking to them.

Dave

Girls can smell desperation a mile away. Just play it cool. This is going to sound stupid, but try not to worry about it. It will happen, if it doesn't happen now, so be it, but it will happen.

LegacyUser

Peregrine

One solultion would be to make up your mind to get to know a few girls as friends, regardless of whether or not you're attracted to them, stick to your decision that you are 100% only intersted in them as friends and absolutely not as possible girlfriends. If you can convince yourself that girls are people too, and have as many insecurities and problems as guys, then why can you not try to be friends with one? Have this as your goal, and then have another goal of say after having chatted to 10/20/50 girls as friends, then trying something more, like asking to meet again.

sobriquet

Peregrine,

I can empathize to a great degree. If you're anything like me, you're introverted and have trouble talking to people generally - as you stated, you don't make friends easily. I found that before I could talk to girls easily (still can't do it very well, but I can do it) in any context, I had to be able to talk to anyone easily.

You've simply got to learn the art of conversation. Start talking to anyone and everyone, about anything. You don't have to do all the time, just enough to get practiced at it. You know all that crap people talk at each other about weather and house prices? It's actually very useful stuff. It's the social lubricant people who don't know each other use to interact. For example, a conversation on the usual bull about house prices can be turned into where you live, where you've lived previously, other countries, holidays etc - and of course ask questions of the other people in the conversation regarding the same. Likewise for weather, very easily turned into a discussion of holidays, travel, did you like the locals, have you visited such and such etc

After that, once you get comfortable simply conversing with people you don't know, talking to girls (maybe even girls you fancy) will be an awful lot easier. Once you've gotten comfortable, that air of desperation should be diminished if not evaporate all together.

WhiteWashMans' idea of making a list of stuff to talk about is a good idea. Make sure there's plenty though, and learn to fork the conversation into tangents. Pick up on what someones saying - they mentioned visiting someplace, so ask about it. They mention stress at work, inquire about it, contrast it with your own etc.

One other thing, it's easier to strike up conversation in a place where there's an immediate subject - music gigs, horse racing, football matches, events of any kind. Trying it in 'social' places like pubs isn't as easy - there's not likely to be any discernible common ground.

Washout

Shyness doesnt have to be a problem.

I would thoroughly recomment you go to Assertive awerness classes. They will help you bring out more confidence when speaking to ppl.

Binomate

If you're ever talking to a girl, ask her loads of questions. Let her waffle on about her self as much as possible, she probably loves it.

AARRRGH

joe, this is probably not the answer you want, but... you just have to do it.

Picking up girls is extremely easy. All you have to do is talk to them. There are so many idiots out there. If you come across as nice, funny, and make them feel good about themselves, that's it.

Really, talking to girls just consists of...

Seeing the girl you like
Walking up and saying hello
I always say something like (and it might sound ridiculous but it works!) "I had to come talk to you, you look really interesting!" They get puzzled and flattered at the same time (this is a good thing) and a conversation starts...

Really, it's not difficult. The block is just in your head. I'm actually shy too, but I force myself to make an effort... As they say, better to regret something you have done than something you haven't! And all she can say is no, which is what she's already said if you don't approach her...

Really, you just have to do it. AND IT GETS EASIER WITH PRACTICE!! The first time is the hardest. The second time is easier. It just keeps getting easier. But you have to just do it...

Really. What's the worst that can happen? Women are human too... they want someone just like you do.

Khannie

The first 3 replies sum it up for me. Along with this:

dublindude wrote:

All you have to do is talk to them. There are so many idiots out there. If you come across as nice, funny, and make them feel good about themselves, that's it.

I wouldn't go as far as saying it's easy, but once you actually get over the hurdle of initiating conversation, you're halfway there. It may not work out the first few times, but stick at it.

Good luck!

LegacyUser

i'm kinda the same. (Not that unhappy though, sorry). Sometimes, more like rarely, I get chatting to nicer than average women, sometimes they've come up to me. I can have a laugh with them, have real funny conversations but when it comes to that crunch moment to make a move, I just seem to lose it. Its happened so many times. I'm 25 now and the amount of women I've messed up has left me demoralised. No matter what I just can't seem to get the ball over the line.

What can u do?

Pixie4

Hey Peregrine

A female perspective on the issue...even though I can't speak for all women out there but personally I would much prefer a nice, quiet guy to come up and strike up a conversation than some loud mouthed idiot who thinks he is the business....and is just showing off to his mates. Next time you see somebody you like, as dublindude suggested, just take a deep breath and walk up to her and say "hello", try and approach her as you would a mate of yours (perhaps without the bodyslamming!!!):D Maybe offer to get her a drink.....its always a good start....and you'll probably know by her answer whether she's interested or not.

You sound like a nice guy and once you take that first step, the next one will be ten times easier...best of luck.....fingers and toes crossed for ya!;)

dundalk cailin

OP im like that (female version) i cant seem to cross the 'friend' boundary, i do get attention from guys but they never seem to wanna be more, i personally wouldnt have the guts to ask someone out, so i know how you feel. im tryin to just enjoy my singledom, but id like to have a relationship soon, not right now as im on an erasmus year, but when im back

Laguna

OP, I'm in a similar situation myself, I've plenty of confidence, I'm 22, I've finished college but my main problem is I don't actually meet any girls of my own age. I try not to let it bother me to be honest, but to be even more honest, it does bother me, for a long time I've wondered "Why don't girls like me etc." but in the last year I've really got fed up with the whole situation and started to not care anymore, it's probably the bets way to deal with it at the moment as I can't see my situation changing in regards to meeting girls of my age group. Tough **** on my part I suppose.

In your case, I don't know what your situation is but all I can be qualified to say is keep plugging away at trying to meet someone I suppose, I know you said you're shy but just try and rationalise to yourself why you feel this way?, you said yourself you're not a bad looking guy, you seem cool enough, the only hurdle between you and girls seems to be your own perception of yourself. You're just as good as anyone else man, start to believe that and you'll see your luck change.

condra

Hi Peregrine

I get the impression you have self esteem issues [correct me if Im wrong]

People say nice guys finish last, I think sensitive guys do worse. I find that girls seem attracted to guys who can empathise with them and their problems, but not have baggage of their own.

I dont think its going to be just a matter of a few tips off the lads in how to woo a girl. I think you might benefit from working on your overall confidence and assertiveness. It doesnt mean you dont have to be a sensitive guy, theres nothing wrong with being sensitive.

You do sound very unhappy. Have you considered talking to your GP about this. I know this forum is not for giving medical advice and I wouldnt dream of doing so, but obviously everyone should have regular checkups and see a doctor if there is anything wrong physially or emotionally.

I would thoroughly recomment you go to Assertive awerness classes. They will help you bring out more confidence when speaking to ppl.

Personally I agree whole heartedly with Washouts idea. Confidence is such a powerfull thing and it can be built almost as quickly as it can be destroyed. There are so many ways to build confidence and you will be so much happier in yourself with a bit of extra confidence, youll also become more attractive to females if youre more confident [IMHO]

If you come across as needy, perhaps you are. Do you feel like you need affection? Reassurrance?
Do you think your idea of a relationship is realistic?

One last thing I would say is that being relatively attractive is obviously going to work in your favour, but I think shyness and sensitivity will significantly narrow your girlfriend options. This you might have to learn to live with to some degree, but Im a firm believer that theres someone out there for everyone, especially good lookin people!

best of luck mate. let us know how you get along.

nobodythere

Maybe tell them at some point that you're really shy?

Your first serious relationship is the kinda thing that makes you get over your shyness - it did for me when I were a wee lad (and somehow ended up in a relationship with a friend of a friend I knew off the net).

pedro_el_killio

dude if u kiss a girl in a club just ask her for her number and ask is it ok if u text them or call them sometime.grow some balls and jump in head first...ur either gonna crash and burn or actually get somewhere....welcome to the dating world

DAEDULUS

dublindude wrote:

I always say something like (and it might sound ridiculous but it works!) "I had to come talk to you, you look really interesting!" They get puzzled and flattered at the same time (this is a good thing) and a conversation starts...

best opener ever,theyr always supprised to hear that,especially if theyr really hot all they can think about is 'omg i cant believe he noticed me for something other than my looks'...but you gotta be ready to say why they look interesting come prepared

LegacyUser

What can I say but I know to a degree what you are going through. There is no hard and fast rules here. And I'm definately not the person with the solution.

Generally, when talking to people, I find it is best to ask the questions and let them do the answering. The reality is most people like to talk about themselves. This way you can guide the conversation by throwing in a few careful selected questions in the conversation. I hate talking about myselve, it bores me to tears.

The best and simplest way to meet people or potential partners is through establishing yourself in a group of people/friends. Usually groups like this connect into other people/friends and introductions are made. I find introductions remove a lot of the difficult legwork. Also as your more likely to meet the person(s) again, you can take your time getting to know them and this removes most of the pressure.