Too shy

LegacyUser

I think I know what I'll be told for this one, ask her out.

Anyway, from the beginning. I did transition year in school, came back into 5th year, with all the ex-3rd years. Kinda kept to all my 4th year mates, and a few of the 3rd years. Anyway, this girl who I started hanging around with I really like. I'm generally shy, but don't always seem it, I start doing the most random stuff, only when I'm with a group of people, her included. Yet when it's just her and I, I just go real quiet. It's gotten worse now that my mates know about it, they're trying to help by telling me to relax and all but it makes me even more nervous.
I've been told by her friends she kinda likes me but thinks I'm quirky. What can I do to get rid of the shyness?

Laguna

One can't get rid of a personality trait such as shyness, you can only mask it with confidence (even if it is put on). The fact is, a lot of people fake confidence, very few people are naturally that way. Yes, there is an obvious answer to your problem, ask her out...

Sangre

Of course you can get rid of something like shyness, don't be ridiculous.
When you find there is no reason to be shy it'll go away. Not to mention you get more confident with age.

Atrocity

People do get more and more confident as the years go by, and eventually it won't affect them so much in their daily lives, but I don't think anyone can remove it completely.

cournioni

More experience usually leads to more confidence. Just try to work on it and you'll get the confidence eventually. Just try not to think about it and speak naturally. Remember she is a person, just like you.

Good luck!

DAEDULUS

Laguna,please inform us where you gather your information..
ignore his post,its bull****.
Your personality is a learned thing,its all derived from significant,or repeated experiences...
And every time you say to yourself 'im so shy', your only reinforcing the problem and making it worse...

---

Example of how your can make beliefs about yourself:
scenario = originally pretty confidence person gets dumped by his girlfriend who he thought loved him,and naturally,gets depressed for a few weeks..during these few weeks he constantly brainstorming his own mind trying to figure out why she dumped him and starts making destructive thoughts...

guy(thinking to himself): damn why did she dump me,i must have been to quiet,i should have asked her if things were ok...etc.

brain: nah,cant be,yours such a confident person...

guy: <same thoughts as above...>

brain: well,maybe,but you used to be so confident...

guy: <same thoughts....>

brain: (starts to process this as a belief) yep,thats it..your a shy bitch and thats why she dumped you...

---

now ofcourse this is just an exaggerated example,but thats basically how it works....
the more you tell yourself your shy,the worse it gets...on the other hand,it can also work in your favour so youve got to stop that kind of thinking right now and start making positive beliefs about yourself....what you have to do is just hassle your brain through tell yourself constantly that your a totally confident,might sound gay but you youve got to seriously picture yourself as a total ledgend, and your brain will start to believe it after a while...keeping a note of it in your wallet,on your bathroom mirror,wherever just so you dont forget,say it whenever you remember...
its also important to stop yourself whenever you start to think destructively..it will only halt your progress :mad:

this method only works if you commit 100%,you cant just read them off the page and expect it to do something,youve got to really imagine yourself as this godlike figure with super confidence,your mind will argue at first and possibly remind yourself of all the bad things that have happened because of your shyness,dont be put off...your mind,just like your body is putty in your hands,you design yourself...

Zillah

Are you old enough to drink?

Have two or three pints and you'll find it much easier to talk to her.

BeardyGit

DAEDULUS wrote:

...your mind,just like your body is putty in your hands,you design yourself...

Round of applause.....You're bang on with that one.

Zillah wrote:

Are you old enough to drink?

Have two or three pints and you'll find it much easier to talk to her.

Forget the bloody crutch. I wish people wouldn't rely on drinking for false confidence. If you need a drink before you can talk to a girl you're out of your league....Go home and have a fiddle with your playstation. If you want to be a man about it, pluck up the courage on your own and go ask her out for a drink (or something else if you're not old enough).

Laguna

DAEDULUS wrote:

Laguna,please inform us where you gather your information..
ignore his post,its bull****.

Have you learnt the concept of opinion?, obviously not, I'll tell you now for free that it doesn't mean "I'm right, you're wrong".

Am I allowed to have an opinion on an OPEN PUBLIC INTERNET FORUM?!, it's people like you that really try my patience on the internet, it's as if you feel you're a man of the world and whatever you say is gospel, everyone else is misguided and ill informed.

A shy person can OVERCOME their shyness by putting on a bravado or an act but they remain INTRINSICALLY A SHY PERSON.. If we went by your 'rationale' Daedulus, why do we have different personalities at all?, why do some people love the spotlight; others don't?, why are some people very sociable; others not?... Why is this going on?!, this completely conflicts with your perception!!!!!!

It's not like taking off a piece of clothing, you can't just discard a personality trait, you can draw attention away from it or mask it. Why am I bothering to reply to you anyway?, you've got it set in your head that I'm full of bull**** and that you're a fully fledged member of MENSA.

honru

Laguna wrote:

A shy person can OVERCOME their shyness by putting on a bravado or an act but they remain INTRINSICALLY A SHY PERSON.. If we went by your 'rationale' Daedulus, why do we have different personalities at all?, why do some people love the spotlight; others don't?, why are some people very sociable; others not?... Why is this going on?!, this completely conflicts with your perception!!!!!!

I disagree. If you work hard you can definetly overcome shyness, without having to resort to some kind of "act". The amount of insecurities you have as well as how comfortable you are in your own skin will determine this.

I used to be a shy bastard as a child, but since then I've opened up and have become more comfortable with myself. Am I now putting on some kind of act? The very thought of that is just ridiculous.

Laguna

f®eak s&#169 wrote: »

I used to be a shy bastard as a child, but since then I've opened up and have become more comfortable with myself. Am I now putting on some kind of act? The very thought of that is just ridiculous.

Most people are shy as children, that's because we're afraid of things we don't understand and comprehend (i.e. the concept of a stranger scares us, therefore making most children shy when meeting someone for the first time). I'm not saying you're putting on an act, you probably realised your childhood insecurities and resulting shyness were unfounded when you reached an older age, hence shedding your apparent 'shyness'.

All human group behaviour is put on to a certain extent, including social interaction/rituals (e.g. social status, prowess. mating rituals) and is therefore an 'act' to a certain extent, not acting in its literal sense, I'm not talking about being a false person here. All I'm saying is that when your personality becomes formed as a result of your childhood, upbringing, circumstances, it becomes nigh on impossible to lose a personility trait!, be it shyness, meanness, aggressiveness, the only thing you can do is lessen its control or influence over your general personality but it will still be present, this is the whole basis for the concept of psychotherapy, acceptance of oneself. Take the example of an alcoholic, even with counselling and support groups and even if they never touch a drop of alcohol again, they will ALWAYS remain an alcoholic, they must fight to ensure that addictive aspect of their personality doesn't take control of them again, they can never lose it, if it was as easy as people disagreeing with me say, why don't people with undesirable personality traits go an have some sort of psychological lobotomy/mental reprogramming?.

One cannot morph/change into what they desire, they can project an image of themselves they like, but to themselves, they'll always be the same person inside.

condra

OP- What age are you?
17?
just wondering.

It sounds a little like infatuation [no offence] considering you dont seem to spend much time alone with this girl. If you dont spend much time alone with her I think you should try to spend some time alone with her as friends if possible.

Normally I would go with telling a girl how you feel but I guess in a co-ed situation theres pretty much no such thing as a secret.

Youre probably not even a really shy person- just when shes around youre scared to make a muppet of yourself. Thats a horrible feeling because you want her to see you as an interesting outgoing guy. I definatly think you should try to spend more time alone with her, it doesnt have to be a date situation, you know yourself.

LegacyUser

womoma wrote:

OP- What age are you?
17?
just wondering.

16, 17 in a few months

It sounds a little like infatuation

I even thought about this one, for the first while I thought it was, but now, it probably still is, but for some reason my mind keeps telling me otherwise.

I've always been seen as real outgoing, but that's just because I'm willing to try things (by that I mean stunt type stuff, nothing else) but when people get to know me one of the things they always say is that it surprises them how quiet I am.


why do some people love the spotlight; others don't?

I have to say I'm one of those who doesn't love the spotlight, I prefer keeping to myself, or a small select few people

Suppose this is part of me so I'll just have to get used to it

Cheers everyone

rrrrr

b

honru

rrrrr wrote:

I hate this advice "tell her how you feel". it really is total garbage in more ways than one. i hope the OP doesn't do this.

Aye. Pouring out your emotions can feel heavy for the recipient when you don't really know her. Simply flirt, after all, actions speak louder than words.