Creche -v- Family (Childminding)

hillybilly

For the first year after I returned to work, my daughter was looked after by a childminder who lived locally. This woman looked after her properly but I felt my daughter was missing out affection while I was at work. We give hugs and kisses on a constant basis, this was the way I was brought up, and I didn't want her to miss out on this.

My daughter wasn't happy. She cried alot when we brought her to this woman's house and would cling to us. I'm sure it wasn't something this woman was doing, rather than what she wasn't. She didn't seem to be a very affectionate person, even with her own child.

We moved house and my mother in law offered to give up her part-time job to mind my daughter and all my prayers were answered. She is happy with her granny and doesn't mind us going to work. She says goodbye and gets on with whatever she does with granny.

My sister has her daughter in a creche. She had the same opportunity I had, to leave her daughter with her mother in law and she chose the creche. She feels it is more important for her daughter to mix with other children.

We often come to loggerheads over this subject. I firmly believe something my mother often says "A childminder will mind your child but family will rear your child." My sister has other ideas.

I love to know what you all think.

By the way HAPPY CHRISTMAS!

simu

It's not a simple A v. B question - if your childminder had been a fun, caring person, your daughter might have been happy going to her place.

samanthacarter

The only downside sometimes with family is that they will do what they want with the kid without taking in consideration your view because they think they know better than you especially the MIL. And if you told them what you think they get offended. You don't have this problem with a creche.

My son is minding by MIL, he is on his own he has started playschool in September and he doesn't have any problem to interact with other children. I guess the interaction with other children really much depends on the child character.

MrPudding

My daughter was looked after by a childminder in the North before we moved down here. She was very good and we had no problems. When we moved here we had to put her in a creche until we got an Au Pair organised.

There were noticable changes in her personality. She became a little more outgoing but also a lot more cheeky.

I think the creche thing is, to a certain extent, good. We have no family here so don't have that option. We have an Au Pair but had our little boy in a creche in the mornings. I think this was a good mix. They are both in school now but the Au Pair has them in the morning.

Similar to the OP we found that if the Au Pair was not very affectionate the kids could be very unhappy. Fortunately we have been very lucky and most of out Au Pairs have been very good. Our current one is excellent and the kids adore her.

MrP

TempestSabre

hillybilly wrote:

...
We often come to loggerheads over this subject. I firmly believe something my mother often says "A childminder will mind your child but family will rear your child." My sister has other ideas.I love to know what you all think.

Every child is different, as is the complex relationship they have with people in their lives. I don't think sweeping generalisations are appropriate. Look at all the social interaction a child in a creche gets with other children and people. We are lucky enough to be about to have family mind our child some of the week and the creche mind them some of the week. However even if he could be minded by us or family 24/7 I'd still have him in a playgroup or creche a few days a week.

Of course I might treat another child differently if there were more reserved, or more out going. Theres no absolutes in my opinion.

hillybilly

Tempest Sabre, I don't think I was making a sweeping generalisation, I was just giving my own opinion. Myself and my sisters opinion differ so much I wanted other peoples point of view on the subject.

I think the reason I prefer my MIL to look after her is that I know her so well and I trust her completely. I don't think I could do that in a creche. I agree that interaction with other people and children is a good thing, but how do you trust a virtual stranger with the most important people in your life. There are alot of children together in a creche and some childminders have several children to look after, I think I would worry alot about whether they get enough attention, food, etc. Would they notice if she was sick or needed her nappy changed.

I knew that the woman I had minding my daughter was a capable woman, she came highly recommended, but I was never fully at ease when I was at work. I thought about her alot and worried that she was missing me.

I don't have that worry with my MIL, although I do agree that it is harder to lay down the law with family. When I had my daughter my MIL tried to have things done her way but I was very firm about how things would be done and she soon sat back and let me get on with doing things my way, be they right or wrong, and she still does. She will always ask before she does something to make sure I agree, which is a big bonus.

I'm surprised so many people agree with the creche angle. I know it's not a matter of choice for most people, but I assumed, given the choice, most parents would choose family.

Well you know what they say about using the word ASSUME! I think I may have to lay off my sister and concede that she may have a point. As for me and mine, I continue the way I am for now, I'm just not convinced yet.

Thanks everyone for your posts. Keep them coming. I like to see if there's anyone out there who can tell me I'm not the raving lunatic I think I am at the moment, for wanting to keep her at home (at least until pre-school).

TempestSabre

Perhaps I should have said sweeping generalistions can't possibly be accurate given the disversity in childrens personalities and characters.

I'd love to spend every moment with my child, but while its not possible, its probably not a good thing either. "Some" children get too dependent on their parents. Makes it much harder to adjust to others, especially when they go to preschool and school. I take comfort that our guy is v.happy to be left with any of our family, (not just his parents) and indeed interacts very well with other kids even those he doesn't know very well.

That doesn't mean its not hard to leave your child with some one else. Its dammed hard. Especially when they are very young.

holly_johnson

Personally speaking, I have no choice but to use a creche, as my parents are elderly and wouldn't be able.
My daughter loves the creche, I think she is well advanced for her age because of it, and she is also very independent. I have no bad things to say about it at all.

On another note, I don't think it is fair for family to have to mind the kids. As my mother would say, I have reared my own, I'm not rearing someone elses! And I have to say I agree. I certainly won't be minding my daughters kids if (please God) she has any when she's older.

I don't mean this as an attack or anyone who uses family to mind kids, it's just my opinion.

samanthacarter

It is funny because I am the totally opposite, I would do anything for my future grandchildren (which by the way won't be in another 20 years I hope because my son is only two) if I can help out, I would not mind to look after my grandchildren if I am fit to do it. I must take after my mum, she has always put her kids first and she is still doing it. She will do anything in her power to help us

TempestSabre

Everyones different! I have to be careful not to allow the grandparents to overtire themselves. Our guy would tire a olympian.

Soledad

There is for and against in both situations.
Having had my daughter minded by family from the age of 6months to 15 months I would say NEVER EVER again.
There was no such thing as laying down the law.
There was no such thing as rules and regulations being followed.
She was taken at 15 months out in the car not in a car seat.....I freaked on finding this out and removed her and stayed at home with her for three months until we could get a creche place.
Afterwards I found out all the things that had happened while in my SIL's care.
She was regularly given sweets and fizzy drinks.
She was allowed to play with bigger kids unsupervised.
There were people smoking in the house.
They simply could not understand why I had a problem with this.
But she was loved and they treated her like a member of the family which she was.
My daughter had no concept of the inappropriate actions of her carer and loved her unconditionally and was very happy there.
But safety was a huge concern.
I feel at least there are rules and regulations in a creche and the children are supervised properly.
I am lucky in that the creche I use my nieces and nephews attend also and there have been the same staff members there since my girls started.

The staff members know them now and are very affectionate.
It is a smallish creche.
On the other hand they miss out on one to one attention and pick up every bug going.
Also they miss out on the family scene which a childminder can provide.
However they have interaction with other kids of different ages and they are stimulated throughout the day.
Also they are given proper food and no crap.

I would only ever use a creche again but then I have been lucky with my creche and I am sure people have horror stories about creches also.

run_Forrest_run

I agree with holly_johnson, I fell parents that have reared their children should not feel like they have to bring up grand children also. Don't get me wrong, a lot of grandparents adore their grandchildren and that's fine but I know many cases where the parents know this and often tend to exploit this and treat them as cheap childminders/babysitters. Once the kids are reared then the grandparents can relax and enjoy their 'golden' years! (slight tongue in cheek there!).:D

TempestSabre

Every families different I guess.

Shabadu

Creche all the way for us- I feel the mental stimulation our child recieves and learning to socialise are hugely important for only children, with no siblings to learn with. We know another boy the same age who is minded by his Granny, and he was very insecure around new people, whingy, didn't know how to share, and got very stroppy and screamy when he didn't get his way. I'm not saying all toddlers minded by their Grandparents are like this, but I suppose the experience put me off.

This sentence: "A childminder will mind your child but family will rear your child." is utter tosh IMO. I had two fantastic childminders when I was younger, and one terrible one. The secret is finding the right one.

I'm not a parent but I wanted to share my story
My mams friends needed a childminder so my mam stepped in because she needed the extra cash and the mother was in a bind .
the baby girl was really tiny when she came to us 7 months old underweight and really made strange with anyone who went near her she couldn't yet sit up and wouldn't move if you put her on the floor. I assumed it was because of her age and size but we all took to her and brought her on within in a month she was eating more and gaining weight. my brother (18) and sister(15) loved her and had great fun feeding her and helping to care for as did I and she fast became part of the family.
Within a month she was crawling slowing towards the xmas tree top pull it down and we were all thrilled.
she stayed with us until she was 14 months old on the brink of walking and about 20lbs still small but had a ravenous appetite. we had seen through a range of adventures from walking from one room to another holding onto all the furniture to eating washing powder ,talcum powder and various sicknesses. my mam wanted to get back to her life and so her mother looked for a crèche
she found one really quickly and we were all devastated
we didn't think strangers could look after her well enough and was afraid she'd get ill
she had her fair share of flus and viruses over the next 2 months (we were convinced it was because she missed us so much that she was sick ) but we couldn't wait to see her back to normal
and one day she came over to us and she was walking around the place we were thrilled to see her walking steadily and she was still the same happy humoured child as always with a growing vocab of course
as the weeks and months went on we made sure to stay in contact because as much as we wanted to we needed to she changed our family and we grew so attached I take her once a week for an afternoon to let her mam do some errands or even have a chat with my mam
she's come on great and I have to say she leaned loads in crèche songs words etc made loads of new friends we all agreed even though it meant us not having her she was better off in the crèche with her little friends learning new things every day
yes she suffers the odd cold but that's a hazard
so TBH from my experience when a child is small a house is fine but as they learn to walk and talk they need to nurture their learning and social skills with kids their own age
something that probably wouldn't be fully taken care of by an adult/grandparent alone

Nevyn

The things of being stuck alone in the house with the child is a relatively new thing.
It used to be that most of the mothers in the area were at home and the kids would play together and the mothers would take turns with them so each would get a break or get things done with out distractions for an hour or two.
the saying it takes a village to raise a child is an apt one.
It is through our socail interactions with people we learn about life and the world and how to behave and how to care and emptitise.
There are kids growing up who don't know how to connect to people and so don't respect people which is scarey.

If you are a stay at home mother/father there are options that are not the creche or expensive to ensure that your little ones get that interaction.
All the libraries run a toddler morning, with arts and crafts and songs and games.
Most areas have parent and toddler groups and assorted playgroups.
Infact where I live there was something on every morning with in a 20 min radius in differnt community centres.
The district health/baby nurse usually has a listing of them all.
The kids get to play, it is a break from the house and you get to chat with other mothers.
I have to admit the types of converstaions were not always my cup of tea
at times as I don't watch a lot of tv but it was nice to have a cup of tea all the same.

SarahMc

Just my opinion, but a creche is no place for a baby. After the age of two, a child will benefit from the social interaction in a creche, but before that, a good childminder is the best option for baby in terms of social, emotional and cognitive development.

TempestSabre

SarahMc wrote:

Just my opinion, but a creche is no place for a baby. After the age of two, a child will benefit from the social interaction in a creche, but before that, a good childminder is the best option for baby in terms of social, emotional and cognitive development.

I would have said the parents were the best option....;)

Nevyn

TempestSabre wrote:

I would have said the parents were the best option....

Life is rarely ever that straight forward.

holly_johnson

TempestSabre wrote:

Everyones different! I have to be careful not to allow the grandparents to overtire themselves. Our guy would tire a olympian.

TempestSabre wrote:

I would have said the parents were the best option....

Bit of a difference of opinion by you there TempestSabre...

SarahMc

Yes, parents are the best option, followed by Childminders, then creches, then other family members according to this research.

http://www.esrc.ac.uk/ESRCInfoCentre/about/CI/CP/Our_Society_Today/News_Articles_2005/childcare.aspx

holly_johnson

Interesting article

I would agree with:

Income apart, work was very important to women in terms of maintaining social relationships and establishing a life for themselves independent of their children. Some even said it made them better parents.

But I think this is important to consider before you can say that the report is definitive. This is the case for most people who use creches:

None of the middle class women in Dr Vincent’s study had parents or grandparents living nearby, so care within the family was not an option.

TempestSabre

Thaedydal wrote:

Life is rarely ever that straight forward.

Thats irrelevent.

holly_johnson wrote:

Bit of a difference of opinion by you there TempestSabre...

Sorry holly_johnson I don't understand your point. Whats the connection or disconnection between those comments

Theres a big difference between parents and grandparents looking after kids. Of course it depends heavily on the character of the people involved. I think there should be a strong bond between grandchildren and their grandparents. In many cases it gives the grandparents a new jest for life, so its good for them too.

That said everyones situation is different. So theres no right answer. (or easy answer).