Sometimes I need a revelation...

LegacyUser

...I fúcked up the other night, fairly badly, christmas parties are far from a good idea. Festive cheer + readily available hotel rooms = regrettable actions.

Here are the facts:
1. I've been going out with my girlfriend now for around 6 years, living with her most of that time.
2. We've had a good relationship for most of that time.
3. Christmas party rolls around I get drunk, find myself back in the hotel room of a single girl, and well, drunken nature takes it's course. (You may note I'm making light of the situation, not out of any feeling of lightness, but more because I feel that's how I can best get my point accross, feel free to berate me as seriously as you feel is necessary, mind you you won't be able to make me feel any more of a ****ty person, this has been the longest weekend of my life back in the girlfriends company.)
4. I can't help but feel as though this incident has been something of a revelation, such that if I really loved my girlfriend and was really serious about her, would I have been fooling around with somebody else?

My question is, or rather my personal issue is, is there a flaw in my logic? Can you be really serious about somebody and still do something absolutely mindbogglingly stupid like I have?

I'm really mixed up about this, and the fúcking flashbacks are really fúcking annoying (read: guilt enducing), every time I look at my girlfriend.

I really need help like I've never needed help before!

Canis Lupus

You ****ed up, what help can you expect to get here that will make the situation go away or get better?

LegacyUser

Bummer dude. The curse of drink strikes again...!
Very difficult what to do - bottle the guilt or tell her - Is she an open-minded individual?

kwinabeeste

dunno mate tbh! I kinda believe in your logic as when I have cheated before I thought that it obviously wasn't gonna work out. But over the weekend, retardo here cheats again (snogged some randomer). But this time I didn't think that myself and the girlfriend weren't serious...If anything it made me think of how much better than the other girl she is!

Is the relationship worth the risk of telling her? If you do split up would you be gutted? If yes then don't tell her and don't do it again!

seriously everyone makes mistakes granted if it was definitely only a one night stand forget about it no need to ruin a 6 year relationship

I know it will be hard flashbacks are a bitch but regarding whether or not its anything more than a drunken act I wouldn't worry about even the strongest person can give into temptation especially when alcohol is involved

in fairness ive never done it myself but my mate crumbled when I never thought she would cheat ever!!!

Miss Fluff

If you are really serious about your girlfriend and it was very much a one-off f*ck up, I wouldn't tell her. Anyone can make a mistake, nobody is perfect. Why would you tell her? To dissipate your own feeling of wretchedness by projecting it on to her or the compulsion to offload your guilt? You've done something really horrible and dishonest but will she actually BENEFIT from you telling her?

On the other hand, if you want to finish with her just do it rather than just being a pussy about it and cheating. Were you just testing the water?

Also, you don't go into much detail other than you ended up in a hotel room with a girl. Was this a random punter you picked up at the venue or is it a workmate who you've been enjoying flirting with for a while and ending up in the sack an inevitability?

Dragan

coolsmileygirl wrote:

seriously everyone makes mistakes granted if it was definitely only a one night stand forget about it no need to ruin a 6 year relationship

Sorry to disagree, but this decision is not his to make. It's up to the girlfriend to decide if she wants to stay in the relationship. It's come clean time and take his medicine i fear.

OP, you made a mistake, but you gotta tell your GF, if it gets back to her any other way your ruin. Plus, if you respect her at all you gotta be honest my man.

SexeeAussie

Ooops, bit of a mess there buddy.....

Been there done that I am afraid to say......once was cos I wanted to get found out (in a really sad type of way) and the other I just made a mistake....A HUGE mistake. Lost everything I had......and I mean EVERYTHING.

coolsmileygirl your quote is a cop out...." I know it will be hard flashbacks are a bitch but regarding whether or not its anything more than a drunken act I wouldn't worry about even the strongest person can give into temptation especially when alcohol is involved"

A drunken act is an act nonetheless......guilt is a nasty thing......it makes you TELL THE TRUTH.....if you have a conscience of course! I have been pissed many times and blamed the drink....it's a load of bollocks!!!!!!!!!!

Put yourself in your GFs shoes.......how would you feel if you were the one who was 'cheated on'

Look mate, I don't have the moral high ground here...I have no right nor the inclination to do so, but it happened for a reason.....maybe it's time to commit to the relationship fully or bail.............

Good luck deciding

Nevyn

What the eyes don't see the heart doesn't grieve over.

Is that one night worth ruining your relationship over ?
Is that one night due to your relastionship not working?

Stop calm down, take some time to think about what happend and what
the impact can be, you have to choose how to handle this.
If you keep squawking about your gf will want to know what is up.
So you seem to think you didnt choose the one night stand and blame the drink, fine.
But you have to be responsible and choose what happened next.

fischerspooner

You'd really want to be stupid to tell her, it's bad enough you've cheated but if she found out it would really break her heart and knock her confidence.
Just get on with things, no need to be guilty, was just mindless sex, you're only human afterall. Yes you can love someone dearly and have the odd one night stand here and there. That is just a physical thing, it's like masturbating really on a different level. If you are 100% you wont be caught and it's only a one night thing and you think you'll enjoy it, why not do it? Anyway the first time makes you feel guilty, but you get used to it after a while.

this is not something he needs to get used to ffs
he should only tell his girlf if this was not a one off or if he fancies the girl still
but he seems to know what he's done and the effect guilt can have on someone so based on the situation if its never going to happen again there's no need to hurt the girl or give her a reason not to trust you

Canis Lupus

Around now is when the post descends into a screaming match of tell her vs don't tell her arguments of which I've taken part in in the past and always side with the don't tell her camp.

This time I'm being different and agrees with Thaeds advice. You have two choices regarding the situation you are in. Both have ramifications, you decide your own course of action cos you know the situation you are in the best.

Zillah

If anyone is drunk enough and horny enough something could happen.

It doesn't neccessarily mean you and your girlfriend couldn't have a wonderful happy life together.

Kell

help me wrote:

...I fúcked up the other night, fairly badly,

Yes, yes you did.

help me wrote:

such that if I really loved my girlfriend and was really serious about her, would I have been fooling around with somebody else?

You know the answer to this one. Its always been a personal yardstick TBH. If you wind up bangin some young one and your only excuse is that you are twatted, its time for the road of singledom.

Its always refreshing when you dig deep and go "it cant be working if I did........" And, you will be doing the soon to be ex a favour in the long run.

K-

Richelieu

you obviously haven't discussed this kinda thing before with her. maybe she's given you clues or something talking about other people.

Ask yourself why you did it honestly. Was it just the drink? If so then I frankly wouldn't. If you have any doubt whatsoever then you owe it to her to tell her and give her the choice. Otherwise don't wreck it needlessly. the person to be honest with first is yourself. That real kind of honesty that you have to listen a second for. You know it?


I went throigh this myself recently at the other end and i can tell you it ain't fun to hear it.

LegacyUser

I cant believe I am about to say this.
If my boyfriend, of 3 years, had a one night stand, and he knew he fooked up, and would never do it again, i think I would rather not know, because if I found out, or her told me, I couldn't stay with him. Thoughts of him with someone else would plague my mind, I would never get over it, and things would never be the same.
Perhaps, in a case like this one, ignorance is bliss.

Victor

Go watch Metroland with her.

Nevyn

Oh and by the way OP, I do hope that even if it was drunk sex that it was safe sex...... if it wasn't you may want to ahve a chat with your gp so your gf doesn't find out that the reason she caught something is cos you strayed.

xzanti

Miss Fluff wrote:

If you are really serious about your girlfriend and it was very much a one-off f*ck up, I wouldn't tell her. Anyone can make a mistake, nobody is perfect. Why would you tell her? To dissipate your own feeling of wretchedness by projecting it on to her or the compulsion to offload your guilt? You've done something really horrible and dishonest but will she actually BENEFIT from you telling her?

Its called being honest... I think she deserves to know the truth, you're more likely to hang on to her if you tell her the truth then if she hears it from someone else... Plus do you want to have to carry this around with you for the rest of your relationship however long or short a period of time ??

ignorance

ignorance wrote:

I cant believe I am about to say this.
If my boyfriend, of 3 years, had a one night stand, and he knew he fooked up, and would never do it again, i think I would rather not know, because if I found out, or her told me, I couldn't stay with him. Thoughts of him with someone else would plague my mind, I would never get over it, and things would never be the same.
Perhaps, in a case like this one, ignorance is bliss.

totally agreed!

Shinners21

I went out with a guy for 6 years, I was faithfull the entire time, don't get me wrong there were time's when I was tempted but I had enough respect for him, no matter what the situation not to do it. And there were some drunken nights where it very easily could have!!
However when we broke up (on good terms!!) I found out that he had been with at least 2 other people while we together, although we had broken up, my heart was broken because all i thought we had was a joke!
I think if you respesct this girl, which I hope you do having been together for 6 years you should tell her. You did wrong so you should have to deal with the consequences. It will definately test your relationship but at least you are being honest.

Miss Fluff

xzanti wrote:

Plus do you want to have to carry this around with you for the rest of your relationship however long or short a period of time ??

That's just 100% selfish. In order to make himself feel better are you suggesting he tells her? Who is that going to help?

xzanti

Miss Fluff wrote:

That's just 100% selfish. In order to make himself feel better are you suggesting he tells her? Who is that going to help?

I dont know about you but Id rather feel like my bf had enough respect for me to tell me if he had done something like that... What if she finds out from someone else?... In my experience skeletons have a habit of coming out of closets no matter how well hidden they are.. And then what?? Shes left feeling like a complete idiot.. Also Id imagine people from the op's office know about this as well??... Id feel completely devestated if I found out my bf shagged someone else and that his work mates knew about it and nobody bothered to tell me...

Thats my opinion

Miss Fluff

It's dependent on whether there's a possibility of his girlfriend finding out imo. If not, I don't see how it would benefit her by telling her.

xzanti

Hmmm I dunno... I dont envy her anyway

Dragan

To the OP.

You asked does your wandering dick mean you have lost interest in you current relationship. Or you want to blame the booze, but let me just put this to you. It happened once. Sure, some people here will say once in 6 years is nothing. What if it happends in 6 more years, and this time you have a wife and a kid???

Think about it. You betrayed the trust she places in you , plain and simple. Also, i would suggest that if do drink yourself to the point where you end up cheating on your girlfriend of six years that you maybe set yourself a benchmark, realise when you are getting drunk to the point of idiocy and be mature enough to STOP DRINKING.

At the end of the day the choice is yours, stay living the lie and keep intact a relationship you may or may not care about anymore OR face the music, seek forgiveness and realise how much you actually love her or not.

It's up to you, i simply suggest you think about it.

LegacyUser

First of all I would like to thank you all for replying, I appreciate it very much.

Let me clear two things up:
1. I have no intention of causing her the type of hurt that telling her will cause, and there is absolutely no other way she will find out. Thats not really my dilemma, and not worth the hassle and heartache. It does seem to be a bit cowardly, even from where I'm sitting, but my stupidity shouldn't cause her any great upset.

2. It wasn't all the way intercourse, thankfully enough, since I didn't have anything to be precautious with, and this would have been a whole other personal issue.

Miss Fluff wrote:

Also, you don't go into much detail other than you ended up in a hotel room with a girl. Was this a random punter you picked up at the venue or is it a workmate who you've been enjoying flirting with for a while and ending up in the sack an inevitability?

Well I posted unregged for a reason, and I left the details scant also for the same reason. I will say, she wasn't jane bloggs, I did know her, an ex-work colleague who I got on with while she was here, but with whom I could not see anything happening other than the set of circumstances which transpired. Not that it really matters about the details (i think).

Thaedydal wrote:

So you seem to think you didnt choose the one night stand and blame the drink, fine.

Well unfortunately being as sensible as I (normally) am, I can't in good faith blame the drink for an act that I committed, certainly the drink made the action much more easy to do, but somewhere along the way it was my decision and my weakness that lead me here.

fischerspooner wrote:

You'd really want to be stupid to tell her

I think I have already proven exactly how stupid I am.

As for the rest of your post, that **** is comedy gold, you should work for pringles as you're basically saying "Once I've popped, I shouldn't stop!". Fúcking funny post, but I don't think I'll be taking your advice

Kell wrote:

You know the answer to this one. Its always been a personal yardstick TBH. If you wind up bangin some young one and your only excuse is that you are twatted, its time for the road of singledom.

Thats the way I was thinking alright, and I can't shake the feeling that its just a small symptom of a larger problem, that's the feeling that's really niggling at me. Other more experienced people here are giving some advice which is conflicting with that though, i.e. it is possible to continue on after something like this, as long as I can suppress what happened (not sure that I can though, and thats a real problem).

xzanti wrote:

Its called being honest... I think she deserves to know the truth, you're more likely to hang on to her if you tell her the truth then if she hears it from someone else... Plus do you want to have to carry this around with you for the rest of your relationship however long or short a period of time ??

To be perfectly honest with you, I think the truth is sometimes overrated. I think that if I told her she would be fairly devastated, and with the risk of her finding out otherwise being negligible, breaking her heart would be a fairly selfish action to make (even if not telling her seems cowardly at the same time, <the duality of man>).

xzanti

xzanti wrote:

Hmmm I dunno... I dont envy her anyway

i dont think any of us envy her but TBH if it was me and it was a one off was a random girl and he felt that bad about it i wouldnt want to know

LegacyUser

Dragan wrote:

To the OP.

You asked does your wandering dick mean you have lost interest in you current relationship. Or you want to blame the booze, but let me just put this to you. It happened once. Sure, some people here will say once in 6 years is nothing. What if it happends in 6 more years, and this time you have a wife and a kid???

Think about it. You betrayed the trust she places in you , plain and simple. Also, i would suggest that if do drink yourself to the point where you end up cheating on your girlfriend of six years that you maybe set yourself a benchmark, realise when you are getting drunk to the point of idiocy and be mature enough to STOP DRINKING.

At the end of the day the choice is yours, stay living the lie and keep intact a relationship you may or may not care about anymore OR face the music, seek forgiveness and realise how much you actually love her or not.

It's up to you, i simply suggest you think about it.

But then again, thats a very good and influential post.

Now I'm even more confused /me start pulling hair!

Dragan

coolsmileygirl wrote:

i dont think any of us envy her but TBH if it was me and it was a one off was a random girl and he felt that bad about it i wouldnt want to know

Sorry smileygirl, but is that not just promoting a do what you want as long as i don't find out set up???

The whole point of respect in a relationship is that you uphold that respect when they person is NOT there as well.

But maybe thats just me.

Dragan

Dragan wrote:

Sorry smileygirl, but is that not just promoting a do what you want as long as i don't find out set up???

The whole point of respect in a relationship is that you uphold that respect when they person is NOT there as well.

But maybe thats just me.

yes i do agree with the respect point of a relationship but if it was just a one off if it was me i wouldnt want to know it would just torture me and himself

ionapaul

We've had this type of discussion / scenario / argument a good dozen times it seems! I'm 100% with Dragan on this one, tell her and let her decide...

LegacyUser

I cant belive I am about to say this, but I actually think I would rather not know.
Myself and my boyfriend split for a few months a couple of years ago.
It was not a break, at the time we thought we had split for good.
He was with a couple of other girls while we were apart. Long story short, we got back together a few months later, and for some reason, I insisted being told what he had been up to while we were apart. I thought I could handle it.

I couldn't.

For ages afterward I let my imagination run riot, picturing him with these girls. It caused a fair few rows, and plenty of tears.

I realise this really wasn't fair, as we were not going out at the time, and we have since got over it, and are extremely happy, but can you imagine how I would react to being told he cheated on me?

If he
a) Immediately realised after the one night stand that it was a huge mistake and one he would never repeat again, then telling me wont help, because I would definately break up with him, it would seriously break my heart, and I would lose all faith in him.
b) decided that it was a sign of things to come and end the relationship with me. Then again, telling me he cheated wont help, I would still hate him, and it would break my heart to know that he had been with someone else, also, it would make me doubt the entire relationship.

I know some of you will jump on me for saying I would rather not know, I am surprised at myself for what I have just said, but I really do think I would rather not be told.

Kiera

I’m with Sillysausage on this one. I wouldn’t want to know. If there is absolutely no way she is ever going to find out then don’t tell her.

Dragan

To be honest i truly am suprised. I would have thought more girls would want to know. Personnally, as a bloke, I would want to know. Plain and simple. If something happens tell me, and i will make my decision based on the situation itself.

Kiera

Yes, but don’t you believe in the saying “what you don’t know wont hurt you”?

LegacyUser

Dragan wrote:

To be honest i truly am suprised. I would have thought more girls would want to know.

I am a bit surprised with myself to be honest.
I know, if my boyfriend told me he cheated on me, I wouldn't have to go through the decision process, breaking up would be the only option for me.
I definately could not stay together knowing was naked with another woman!

No matter what his reasons, or how many times he apolgised, I could never get the images of him with someone else out of my head. I would feel so stupid and betrayed, I would doubt the entire relationship, I would belive he was capable of doing it again no matter what he told me.

No, knowing would not be best, not for me anyway.

Seraphina

Kiera wrote:

Yes, but don’t you believe in the saying “what you don’t know wont hurt you”?

so you basically give your boyfriends free reign to **** whoever they like as long as you dont find out?
what about going out with a guy for ages and finding out he's married?

i just cant believe the attitudes of some of the girls here!! not wanting to know, its disgusting tbh. yer all as happy as a pig in **** to live a lie with your boyfriends? i just cant understand it at all.

coolsmileygirl wrote:

there's no need to hurt the girl or give her a reason not to trust you

err there's plenty of reason - she trusts him, and she has the right to know that he can't be trusted, which is obvious from this thread.

Canis Lupus

Seraphina wrote:

i just cant believe the attitudes of some of the girls here!! not wanting to know, its disgusting tbh. yer all as happy as a pig in **** to live a lie with your boyfriends? i just cant understand it at all.

Assuming the girls never find out how are they to know they are living a lie?

There are bad sides to either argument to be honest

bug

Thaedydal wrote:

Oh and by the way OP, I do hope that even if it was drunk sex that it was safe sex...... if it wasn't you may want to ahve a chat with your gp so your gf doesn't find out that the reason she caught something is cos you strayed.

well at least some one said it. All morals aside for this particular point. No one has any right to put anyone else's health at risk in any way.
If I caught an STD from someone playing away I'd f**kin try my best to sue in court.

I could go on a spiel but I won't...
Fact is the minute you stuck you're c**k into someone else you gave up the decision making process and handed it over to your girlfriend in my opinion.

Get over yourself, she probably deserves and wants better. You're basically duping her on many levels.

Yes this stuff happens alot unfortunatley, the frequency, shoudnt make it acceptable. You have no rights IMO.

tinkerbell

Your girlfriend has every right to know what stupid behaviour you got up to. You should be ashamed of yourself, you feel like crap now, well you should. Think how she's gonna feel when she finds out.

You owe it to her to tell her what you did, and then she can decide if she's gonna dump you or forgive you. But you should prepare yourself for the fact that you will probably get dumped.

And then, who can blame her? I know what I'd do if I was in her situation. If my boyfriend cheated, I'd sure as hell want to know.

elle

well dude, it might relieve some guilt if you confess, however, while you may feel better your gf will feel like ****, and most likely dump you if she has any self respect. If it was a once off, and you really love her, then 6 years isn't worth sacrificing. I mean if you don't tell her who will? Unless she knows the girl you screwed around with she's not gonna find out. Why break her heart? Sounds to me like you regret what you did. It was a once off so best thing to do is forget it and move on.

bug

elle wrote:

well dude, it might relieve some guilt if you confess, however, while you may feel better your gf will feel like ****, and most likely dump you if she has any self respect. If it was a once off, and you really love her, then 6 years isn't worth sacrificing. I mean if you don't tell her who will? Unless she knows the girl you screwed around with she's not gonna find out. Why break her heart? Sounds to me like you regret what you did. It was a once off so best thing to do is forget it and move on.

why do people think time/duration of relationship is relevant in these matters?

Although i agree with some of what you've said, the other way to look at it, taking into account all the advice thats been dished out in this thread is that time past, isnt really of any relevance.s

with someone three years, stuck c**k in someones mouth/other.
with someone two years, stuck c**k in someones mouth/other.
with someone six years, stuck c**k in someones mouth/other.

see, doesnt really make a difference.

Depends on what sort of value a person puts on these things. Depends on what sort of person she is and what she already thinks of him/ how forgiving she is/ ...lots of factors really
This is actually someone's relationship. Not a story.

The duration of time might mean an investment to the original poster.

To his girlfiend, if she knew all the facts of what her relationship actually has become is (if she was allowed to make that decision), perhaps each passing minute after those "six years" and this incident might be a loss of time for her. Who knows, 'cos the OP has taken, that he has the right to make the decision for her.

OY

Lets just get to the bottom of this...

- There is no real excuse for this and drink may have been a cause for it but i think in 90% of cases there is some funstional thoughts occuring when it happens. Lust takes over, you do not refrain and s*** happens. But lets not blame it on the drink. Take responsibility for it.
- IMO, if you were content in your relationship this would not have happened as you would have been able to refrain. That is my opinion. So following on from that there are 2 possibilities...
1. The relationship is not worth it for you anymore and you should end it.
2. There are some issues that need to be worked on but that are worth working on.

Good luck!

Kiera

Seraphina wrote:

so you basically give your boyfriends free reign to **** whoever they like as long as you dont find out?
i just cant believe the attitudes of some of the girls here!! not wanting to know, its disgusting tbh. yer all as happy as a pig in **** to live a lie with your boyfriends? i just cant understand it at all.

If it was a once of then yes I do not want to know. If he’s at it all the time I would chop off his bits. Everyone makes mistakes, its about learning from them that matters.

Furze

help me wrote:

My question is, or rather my personal issue is, is there a flaw in my logic? Can you be really serious about somebody and still do something absolutely mindbogglingly stupid like I have?

Logic and Drink don't mix. Move on, say nothing, carry the guilt and next time
leave the car keys at home.

LegacyUser

Kiera wrote:

If it was a once of then yes I do not want to know. If he’s at it all the time I would chop off his bits. Everyone makes mistakes, its about learning from them that matters.

Agreed 100%

The Corinthian

To be perfectly honest the “tell her, don’t tell her” debate is hardly going to get resolved here as their respective proponents are coming from two entirely different directions and are never likely to agree on this principle.

As to the OP’s more pertinent consideration of whether this spells the beginning of the end of his relationship - no is the answer. The beginning of the end of his relationship would have preceded this event. What he’s done is simply added weight to a conviction he already had at the back of his mind. The rest will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Putting it simply, his believing that this spells doom for his relationship is more relevant to that doom than anything he did. So his answer lies in whether he felt at the back of his mind there was a problem before the incident in question. If he didn’t then he’s just presently being paranoid and it’ll pass, if he did then he would have a problem regardless of his infidelity.

My 2 cent.