Chronically shy

LegacyUser

well, I wasn't going to bother after reading some of the other peoples problems out there - kind of puts things in perspective, but what the hell....

I realise that thisis about the 5,000th post on tthe same topic, but i'm hoping some people out there will humour me.

Ok, so basically my problem is that I cannot meet women - they terrify me.

Anyway, this is such a problem for me that I haven’t been intimate, i.e. had a relationship, in over 3 years now. In fact, within those 3 years I've only kissed 1 girl and currently there is no one on the horizon. I’m still on the right side of 30 (almost) and I secretly believe that I’m a diamond in the rough, but at this point I am beginning to worry. I don't think come across as desperate, rather I appear nervous and anxious (which I am), and the few time I make the effort I've already set myself for another social death. my near total lack of experience around women has really come back to haunt me now, i feel. maybe if i start to drinking WKD i'll turn into one of those cheeky chappies that some women seem to love.

I always hoped that I would grow out of this frailty around women, but now as I approach 30 I guess not. sometimes I can muster the courage and I come across as confident, funny and charming - at least I think so - but if it comes to someone making the first move it is NEVER me, I just freeze. I’m crap at one liners - i try but only with embarrassing consequences. even with a bit of dutch courage I literally get terror sweats if I talk to a girl I fancy, which, at this point, is practically every female. i genuinely want to fall in love with a girl, as I always have.

I’m not looking for a quick shag - not my style (maybe at this stage it would be). I find that anytime i speak to a girl she is thinking thats what im thinking, or I think she is thinking that. Sorry, that's confusing!!

My cunning plan of sitting back in bars etc. trying to look sexy, yet never making the first move and even looking away when a woman makes eye contact has, truth be told, not been the most successful plan I’ve had. yet at the same time i don't understand why women don't approach me EVER - i'm actually quite good looking. Let me tell you, if tried nothing and i'm fresh out of ideas I wonder do women realise what power they have over some of us men? i think the answer is yes!

There you go...hardly a new one. I guress i'm typing this as a type of catharsis, but any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks all

akw_old

Beau Guest wrote:

maybe if i start to drinking WKD i'll turn into one of those cheeky chappies that some women seem to love.

but if it comes to someone making the first move it is NEVER me, I just freeze. I’m crap at one liners - i try but only with embarrassing consequences.

I’m not looking for a quick shag - not my style (maybe at this stage it would be).

My cunning plan of sitting back in bars etc. trying to look sexy, yet never making the first move and even looking away when a woman makes eye contact has, truth be told, not been the most successful plan I’ve had. yet at the same time i don't understand why women don't approach me EVER - i'm actually quite good looking.

first off, don't decide to be something you're not for the sake of getting a girl, then you get one who like's the person you are pretending to be, pointless.

one liners are useless as well. some lads can pull them off in a funny way, thats good, but mostly I find just saying hello, what's you're name? is good. try do it in a funny humour or something. if you can get a girl to laugh straight away you're on a good thing. i usually make stupid stories up to make her laugh, or say they have nice shoes, then take it back in a funny way. just small slags can be funny for girls.
and never spend half an hour trying to get a number, do it quickly. half an hour is a long time to keep up a flowing conversation with someone you don't know, in a crowded place with plenty of other blokes for her to consider. get in there, make her laugh, show her you're a decent bloke, get the number, then back to the lads. if you see her later in the night obviously don't ignore her or anything, just don't hang off her all night.

you're cunning plan isn't that bad, long as you're sitting somewhere women will see you and not in the corner. the flaw is not making the first move. it's a bitch, i hate doing it to, but the rewards can be good.

nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Red Alert

from what your post is, let's break this down into two problems. one is that you're terribly shy, so you say. the other is that you aren't in a relationship with a woman.

how exactly unexperienced with women are you? whether you've kissed seven or seventy seven, although relevant isn't the full story. i didn't do particularly well in general with relationships and the like until i came to college, even though i hung around with a lot of girls (because of where i live), worked in a clothes shop with a lot of girls (believe me you will learn a lot there) and am good friends with many girls in college. the one thing that being friendly with women as mates is that when you need love-department advice theirs is great and can really tell you when you're being a moron, compared to a guy.

now i assume from above that you aren't friends with a lot of women, seen as you say they 'terrify' you... why is that? do you work with them/go to college with them or anything? would you be inclined to make small talk at a supermarket checkout with a woman?

really i would leave any ideas on a relationship or sitting trying to look cool in bars until you can just go up and have a conversation with a girl. one liners generally don't work, i don't use them, because they're usually a waste of time and the girl in question often views them dimly too. for the record, i need to post a PI here soon when i've time to type it out properly, so nobody's perfect. just take it one step at a time.

luckat

Stop thinking women are so scary, my dear. They're just as scared as you.

And try to meet people - not just women - in a different way. Don't just hang out in pubs, go hillwalking, go up to Oideas Gael and take an Irish course, and so on.

You're thinking of women as scary and Other. And you're also thinking of them only as possible Mates, instead of just, well, being mates with them.

Sometimes, for a woman, it feels like being a prey animal. All those eyes glistening and grabbing at you, all those guys making conversation that just means "I want to own you".

It's so nice when you meet someone who looks straight at you and smiles, but also backs off and respects your space.

Beau, getting to know anyone, but particularly anyone of the opposite sex, and more particularly getting to know anyone where there is the possibility of a closer relationship, is a series of permissions asked and gently granted on both sides. Everyone's shy. Everyone's frightened and afraid of being hurt and rejected and scorned, not just you. Just be courageous and be kind, and you'll find the one for you.

akw_old

luckat wrote:

Just be courageous and be kind, and you'll find the one for you.

you should sell that to hallmark! they'd lap it up

akw_old

there are some good points here. mainly, why be scared of girls? girls come off more confident than they actually are i find.

also you don't need to meet a girl in a bar, though i doubt you need to take up an irish course either!:rolleyes:

you can meet girls in shops and town pretty easily actually. people are more relaxed because there is no pressure about being out on the pull. I'm not saying just walk up to some randomer who is minding her own business and say hello, unless you want to?:)

but you can ask a girl in shop what this dvd/book whatever is like. also if a girl drop something, pounce! be decent and pick something up for her, manners should not be a luxury.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the response guys,

Just to fill you guys in I actually have some femal friends, although not close ones. I actually have no problem with interacting with women and i can be funny, relaxed and, most importantly, myself around them. It’s just when I believe (emphasising the "I" there) that there is a possibility of something else I freak out and change from a chatty person to someone who second guesses everything he says. If i do start talking to someone in a night club etc. i'm more likely to talk to the male friend of a girl while my friends chat the women up, though they themselves are nearly/just as bad as me. In the same way that some friends egg each other on we (unconsciously) do the opposite.

In terms of other relationships, I've had a few over the years, but really only one long term one. It's just that successive knocks have made me feel kind of vulnerable around new people, especially women who i feel and emotional attachment to - and that doesn't mean some girl with massive knockers i see on a night out .

There is some good advice there, and some kind words from luckat.

Thanks again guys

Beau

GrumPy

luckat wrote:

Stop thinking women are so scary, my dear. They're just as scared as you.

And try to meet people - not just women - in a different way. Don't just hang out in pubs, go hillwalking, go up to Oideas Gael and take an Irish course, and so on.

You're thinking of women as scary and Other. And you're also thinking of them only as possible Mates, instead of just, well, being mates with them.

Sometimes, for a woman, it feels like being a prey animal. All those eyes glistening and grabbing at you, all those guys making conversation that just means "I want to own you".

It's so nice when you meet someone who looks straight at you and smiles, but also backs off and respects your space.

Beau, getting to know anyone, but particularly anyone of the opposite sex, and more particularly getting to know anyone where there is the possibility of a closer relationship, is a series of permissions asked and gently granted on both sides. Everyone's shy. Everyone's frightened and afraid of being hurt and rejected and scorned, not just you. Just be courageous and be kind, and you'll find the one for you.

good advice, but it's not to be forgotten that men are expected to approach women, etc.. maybe that has him nervous?

chuckles30

First off I'm a woman, but I was in a similar situation up to last year. I had no problem chatting to men at work, guys in college etc, but when there was no attraction there was no problem. However as soon as I'd see a guy that I might be attracted to, I got all tongue tied. Last year I joined one of the internet dating websites and I found it really helped. You can email people and establish if you have things in common etc before you actually meet. It is still scary when you get to the actual 'meeting up' but I would recommend it. I am naturally a shy person, but I find this works for me. I've met some lovely people this way & even if nothing happens, you can make some good friends. There are a couple of good irish based ones - I'm not sure if I can name them here or not - maybe someone can tell me if it's ok to mention them here by name
You're not the only one to feel like this, but there are ways around it.