I never thought i'd have to post here, but...

LegacyUser

Long time lurker, first time PI poster....

I met my current gf on myspace around oct 04, shes in the states and is planning to move here in 06 (she was planning this before she met me) It started up as friendship then developed further from xmas of last year, we have communicated on some level (phone,msn,text,email etc) almost every day since then and i visited her last summer. I thought everything was great, fell in love etc, and we planned a future together (wont go into detail) and am expecting her after xmas for a 2 week visit.

Shes out of state at the moment visiting family (alegedlly, you'll see why in a moment) and her mobile doesnt work, i have no landline for her. She claimed she might be able to get online, and even though i hadnt heard from her since she left (on tues last) i wasnt that worried.

Until tonight when i got knocked for six


I got a text from a friend of mine who she had befriended on myspace too who informed me that some strange guy had mailed her to ask if she knew where my gf was and if she was ok, as he was expecting her at the airport (this guy is from the uk)!!!!!

ok, i thought, its a hoax or a joke (i know her sense of humour, she often pulls pranks)

so i check my myspace mail, and theres a message from him also, turns out this guy has had a relationship with her since sept last and was planning on visiting him also! BEFORE ME! it was at this point that he discovered me, put two and two together and mailed me. I on the other hand still wasnt convinced, and called his bluff looking for his number...he replied with it and after a 15 min conversation with him, i'm pretty sure he's on the level. so we swap emails.

When i arrive home from work, there are 13 emails dating back to sept between him and her (forwarded to me by him, without me having to ask)
waiting for me. I felt sick reading them.

If she is where she claims to be right now, she is unable or unwilling to get online, and has no working mobile phone, and possibly will not know what has transpired.

I have already forwarded one of the mails to her asking her to explain herself, and left messages on her phone (voice and text) to check her email.

I know theres not much more i can do for now, but i leave for my old pairs place tomorrow for xmas, and theres little chance i'll be online after tomorrow eve, the first thing she might know about this is when (OR IF) she even arrives!!!! I had arranged for her to meet friends and family etc......now i feel like a fool!

(btw all involved are the wrong side of 25)

I dont know what to think.

vibrant

Damn, that's lousy. Not sure what sort of advice to offer... but don't let this ruin your Christmas. Nobody in your family will think you're a fool (and your friends won't either)! You were lied to, it happens to all of us.

**Timbuk2**

They won't think you are a fool, they will feel sorry for you. Pity that had to happen you at Christmas though...

The Sweeper

Youchies that's not good...

Internet relationships are funny like that though. What this looks like is that you'd made more of a commitment than she had and she was keeping her options open. You were having a long-distance relationship with the girlfriend you met on the internet and who was coming to visit you in January. She was having a thing with a guy from the net that she wasn't certain was serious.

There are people out there who don't take interwheb relationships seriously and forget that there's another person on the other end of that email.

The most frustrating part now will be having to wait in limbo to see where she's at and what she's up to.

As for "out of state visiting family" - I'm sure you're already now taking that with a grain of salt.

Try not to spend the next few days clinging to a vague hope of good things. Sit and think about your relationship for a bit. Decide what it is you really want, think about all of your feelings for her and consider what you'll do if this is something that you need to get yourself out of. Set your boundaries - are you willing to accept that she thought she was still 'dating', and this is what happens with internet relationships? Are you unhappy with anything except complete exclusivity?

Once you've got your head around this, then give her a chance to explain herself. If she comes clean about what she's up to, but tries to explain it away with things like "long distance", "internet", "not sure", "how well do you really know someone" so on, you'll have to refer back to the boundaries you'd set yourself. If she just lies to you, I'm sure you'll know what's best. After that you'll have to make a decision on what you want.

sorry for ya!sounds like a bitch!well!keep the chin up and hope things work out for you!

Khannie

Man oh man. That's a rough one.

Confused2312 wrote:

now i feel like a fool!

Ah, you didn't do anything wrong, so I wouldn't go beating myself up over it.

She's obviously been keeping her options open, and you've (unfortunately) been screwed because of it. The best advice that I can offer is to try not to let it sour your view of others in the future, and just move on as quickly as possible (do NOT entertain this "lady". If you feel like you need an explaination then maybe seek one, but otherwise just leave her behind).

I hope it doesn't ruin your christmas. Try to have a good one.

chump

Can understand why you feel like a fool.

You'll just have to take it on the chin unfortunately. Remember tis her that was the bitch. And also you don't need to tell family/friends the details - just tell them it didn't work out.

Hope you didn't have to give her any money towards coming over tho! :eek:

shakaman

Leave her at the airport and let her try to get to London, see if bf no 2 will take her in.

Savman

I think its true that in general people don't consider internet people to be real people so its easy to toy around. Look at these boards for example

Fajitas!

IT could be a good thing you won't be online for a few days, you'd only be working yourself up for her return. Take a break from it all for a few days. As was posted above, all you got to say to your family is that a relationship didn't work out and it's not something you want to talk about. I'm sure they'll be more than supportive.

Oh, and let her do the next move. Try have a good Christmas mate, best of luck

LegacyUser

Still no word from her. I'm fearing the worst as for her arrival, if she arrives at all. I have no idea what continent shes in, she may even be here already, i'm now at the "if she lied about this, what else did she lie about" stage. I called one of her platonic male american friends last night, and he's as stunned as me, we both agree this is totally out of her character. you have no idea how close me and her had become, I knew this girls schedule back to front, and to be honest how she had the time to keep the two of us going and in the dark i'll never know. She had always maintained that she was happy with "us" now i see that wasnt true....

thanks for all the replies, and i know i shouldnt let it get to me, but my xmas is looking pretty ****ed right now. I dont even want to be around people.

Zombrex

I am afraid this is why you shouldn't put to much stock into the time you spend "with" someone on the internet during an internet relationship.

I know you meet up with her last summer, but really that was your relationship. The internet stuff is a fantasy.

I went out with a girl in from the US in college for a couple of months, she went back to the States and we "re-ignited" the relationship with email and IM. This went on for about 6 months, constant emailing each day, really felt it was something. Went to visit her the following summer and the relationship noise dived after a few weeks (days even).

The reason was because the email back and forth was a filtered version of ourselfs. We email when we want to, on our own time and filter censor everything. It isn't at all the same as actually having to communicate on a physical level withsome. Sorry to say but typing letters on the internet is not the same as being physically in a room, or wrapped up in someones arms.

All the time you spend emailing back and forth was not a relationship, the bit you had over the summer was the relationship and that was months ago. To put it bluntly, you don't know this girl.

Its harsh, and I am certainly not saying you have done anything wrong, she sounds like a bit of a bitch, but really you need to not let yourself think you are so involved with someone till you actually are.

The Sweeper

...bump - I want to know if the OP's all right, and whether this woman has reappeared and explained herself...

sillysquid

Man, reading the OP brought back some BAD memories for me. I was once in a similar position, so my heart honestly goes out to you, man.

Part of what people say about the whole "on-line relationship" minefield is right. The net really is no place to conduct a relationship if you want to remain sane.

However, despite the fact I got burned the first time I tried having an on-line relationship, I actually had another one a couple of years later. And what do you know? I'm now happily married to her! :eek:

I hope things work out for you, I really do. But if she's "hedging her bets" or whatever by meeting other potential lovers, then she's not worth it. It'll hurt like hell, I'm sure, but in the long run cutting her out of your life is the only sensible thing to do.

Bite your lip and put the whole thing down to experience. You'll be stronger for it in the long run. It's a cliche, but time is a good healer. In a few months it'll hurt a lot less.

Stix

This is nasty man.

I had a girl tell me she was coming to see too in a similar way. She sent me cards and everything for my birthday. Then she just disappeared.

My mate was asking me for ages afterwards when she was coming over. I just kept brushing the issue aside. Its so sould crushing.

I think the girls Boards id should be given to mods and her IP address should be barred. That is so evil.

Please dont let it mar the idea of internet sparked relationships. It happens in the real world too. Had a total cow i met in town once totally **** me over. Women are ****in bitches. I wish i was gay to be honest.

LegacyUser

Hey all, just an update on the situation, she was/is where she claimed to be (out of state visiting family) and once she finally got a chance to get online over xmas to find the **** hitting the fan, she cancelled her ticket over and half attempted to go to ground (i wasnt surprised by this, when we were going out, she always said that whenever relationships end for her, her way of dealing was just walking away) she knows what she did was very stupid, and shes sorry for breaking my heart, she claimed it the taboo of cheating was her motivation, saying that every guy she'd ever been with had cheated on her, and that this guy was backup if i ever did.

As for me. I'm still conflicted. I've done nothing wrong, and to be honest, i'm over what she did, but not why she did it. I still love her, and the fact that i'm unable to speak to her on the phone since before xmas really bums me out. new years was tough, knowing that she was meant to be with me, but i coped and didnt do anything stupid. I know all of you are telling me to cut my losses and run (as do some of my friends) but right now i cant imagine her not being in my life. i still have a place for her in my heart, broken as it is. Right now i dont want to continue this long distance relationship, but if or when she moves over and if she contacted me, maybe time would have healed enough for us to become friends again.....I dont know.

Gordon

Stix wrote:

This is nasty man.

I had a girl tell me she was coming to see too in a similar way. She sent me cards and everything for my birthday. Then she just disappeared.

My mate was asking me for ages afterwards when she was coming over. I just kept brushing the issue aside. Its so sould crushing.

I think the girls Boards id should be given to mods and her IP address should be barred. That is so evil.

Please dont let it mar the idea of internet sparked relationships. It happens in the real world too. Had a total cow i met in town once totally **** me over. Women are ****in bitches. I wish i was gay to be honest.

Stix, that's not going to happen. And please, less of the sweeping generalisations.

chump

Confused2312 wrote:

Hey all, just an update on the situation, she was/is where she claimed to be (out of state visiting family) and once she finally got a chance to get online over xmas to find the **** hitting the fan, she cancelled her ticket over and half attempted to go to ground (i wasnt surprised by this, when we were going out, she always said that whenever relationships end for her, her way of dealing was just walking away) she knows what she did was very stupid, and shes sorry for breaking my heart, she claimed it the taboo of cheating was her motivation, saying that every guy she'd ever been with had cheated on her, and that this guy was backup if i ever did.

As for me. I'm still conflicted. I've done nothing wrong, and to be honest, i'm over what she did, but not why she did it. I still love her, and the fact that i'm unable to speak to her on the phone since before xmas really bums me out. new years was tough, knowing that she was meant to be with me, but i coped and didnt do anything stupid. I know all of you are telling me to cut my losses and run (as do some of my friends) but right now i cant imagine her not being in my life. i still have a place for her in my heart, broken as it is. Right now i dont want to continue this long distance relationship, but if or when she moves over and if she contacted me, maybe time would have healed enough for us to become friends again.....I dont know.

If you were to take her back in any form... she'd have you by the balls for ever. It would just underline how low your level of self-respect is and how desperate you are.

Take the hit, and move on.

December Son

Thats really terrible man. I had a net thing once a few years back, i met this girl who was really cool, really into the kind of things i like (ie being a game nerd) and who, strangely enough, was possibly one of the most sexually attractive women ive ever seen in my life. Seriously, a real head turner. Anywho i went over to america to see her, got on ok-ish (guess is was trying to convince myself things were going better than they really were) but shouldve seen it coming really. She kept up the pretense that we were still in a relationship after i got home, only for a few months down the road, i rmembered her email pwd, and even tho it was a **** thing to do, i read her email and saw pretty much carbon copies of the lovey dovey mails she was sending me, being sent to guys all over the place, and registration confirmations of dating websites left, right and centre. After that i said **** it and cut my losses. Id had my fun, had a great time seeing the states and sleeping with a really beautiful woman..so wasnt a total loss, at least you have that!

name_less

hey confused, you dont know me but i am in an extremely similar situation. eerily so. girlfriend in america, long time long distance relationship, coming out for christmas - everything. if you want to talk feel free to pm me. god knows its a rare thing to find someone in such a similar situation...