I can't help how i feel!!!

LegacyUser

Ok I’m VEEEEERRRRRYY frustrated right now so I hope this all makes sense.

I'm 22, have been with my girlfriend for 3.5 years, she's in 2nd year of college now, in her first year of college she stayed with me and my family for the college year, went home at weekends etc. Last summer, before the 2nd year of college, I suggested she maybe get her own place for the year, I said I didn't think it was best for her to stay with me(I like my space). I don't remember the details but she obviously got me to agree to her staying with me, (I feel bad anyway, she lives outside Dublin and she can't really afford her own place so it's best for her if she stays with me).

But inevitably, what I though was going to happen, has happened, I’m feeling extremely claustrophobic, I told her that I thought we were spending too much time together and maybe it was time to drift apart for a while, as in NOT LIVE together (it was hard for me to say this at the time as I knew she wouldn't take it well). At first there were tears, and then she *kinda* agreed reluctantly, after talking about it it was agreed she'd move out, now I’m not a heartless bastard, I told her I’d help her with money and rent and ANYTHING she needed (she does have a **** load in the credit union, if she REALLY wanted to she could afford a place), anyway, the plan of moving out finally faded away after the odd visit to daft.ie, she then asked if could stay till the end of the year, I mean, what can I say????? I can't just **** her out...

Now I know the predicament she's in, but what about me? I’m backed into a corner of emotional limbo!!!! The college year is another 6 months or so ffs!! Am I just supposed to put my feelings on hold? Be unhappy just to accommodate her? wtf!!!! She keeps saying I’m a prick for putting her through this?? What can I do!!!!!!!???

This is where the frustration comes into it!

I told her I’ll move out if she can't afford it, I mean I don't give a **** who moves out, I just want space!! I'd like to move out anyway. But she's freaking at me because of this now.

I feel trapped, I feel like I’m being emotionally blackmailed.

Basically, she feels I’m only thinking of myself, which is true TO A DEGREE, of course I have to take into consideration my own feelings and happiness, but I feel the fact that she won't help me with this that she's being the selfish one, she knows I’m unhappy but won't help me fix it, I mean, if I lived with someone and they weren't happy about it, I wouldn't ask them if I could stay just for another SIX MONTHS!! That’s crazy....

I'm just frustrated and confused and aaaargghhh!!!!

By the way, I know she'll read this and know whom I am; maybe if she reads it off a screen she'll see things differently.

little miss

If you're both serious about making this relationship last, then she really needs to respect the fact that you need your space and should get her own place, or move in with friends. By clinging on to you and not respecting your wishes, she's risking any future you might have. Both people have to want to live with one another, or it leads to heartbreak. I think you've been brave to be so honest with her, and its a shame she doesn't seem to be respecting that. Try having another talk to her... You're both still so young as well. I had the best of time in college living with my friends, and I'd say she's missing out on a lot of fun if she's just hanging out with you and your family. You both need freedom whilst you can still enjoy it, and then you'll appreciate the times you spend together much more! Maybe she's scared things will end if she sees less of you, but try and reassure her that won't be the case. What she's currently doing seems to be pushing you away - I really hope she sees sense before its too late! Good luck!

LegacyUser

thanks for the reply, reading back over my post it's rather obvious how frustrated i was.. heh..

I think a huge part of her is scared to move and be independant, at the moment, although she lives away from home, she's still dependant on me, the thought of moving in with strangers scares her ALOT.

As i said, i don't mind moving, i actually plan on moving in the new year, we argued about this today, she doesn't want to be living with my family(mother and brother) on her own, which is understandable. But i don't want to wait until the end of the college year for her to move out, i'll go crazy if that's the case.. we'd end up killing each other, only less than an hour ago did she apologise to me and hang up on me in the same phone call:rolleyes:

It's times like these where i just want to tell her not to come back, forget about her and live my own life.

Riamfada

Perhaps moving in the bf's/gf's at such a young age is not a great idea. Id just say that you are doing the right thing. Space could improve your relationship.

Vangelis

Why do you feel that you need space?
Is your relationship more important than your need for space and vice versa?
Is it possible that you can pull yourself together and wait till you can both move together in your own house?

LegacyUser

Vangelis wrote:

Why do you feel that you need space?
Is your relationship more important than your need for space and vice versa?
Is it possible that you can pull yourself together and wait till you can both move together in your own house?

i don't think you're getting the jist of this man, i'm saying i don't want to live together, not move out into our own place. I feel the need for space because i don't have any. Before i met her i loved to be on my own, i loved having my own space.. now all of a sudden i have nothing, we see each other everyday of the week, all night together etc.. i just want alone time and a normal relationship.

little miss

really does seem you're being very adult about all this. Do you think she realises how much she's risking the relationship by being so awkward about this? You'd think she'd love to have some space as well at her age. She'll regret not enjoying her youth and becoming too dependent on you in the long run... Giving one another breathing space is the best place. And if she doesn't see that, well its difficult to see how you'll work things out... Presume she's away with the parents at the moment? Do you miss her, or just feel relieved to have some space? That can tell you a lot about a relationship...

therecklessone

Apologies for stating the obvious, but if you continue in the relationship then you will have to live with each other at some point. Maybe this just ain't to be...

Is it possible that things are complicated by it being your parents house, and that you're freedom is limited by that as well?

Have you looked at other ways to ease the pressure? Does she go home at weekends? How about asking her to stay with friends if she's out for a night with them?

I agree that she should grow up a bit and learn to stand on her own two feet. It can't be healthy for herself or you for her to be living with your parents.

[Jackass]

dude that sucks!

Not being bad, but you were sorting her out for a while, you know temporary arangement...2 YEARS LATER SHE'S STILL THERE!? If it was me, i'd tell her you know this is crazy! You love her and all that speech, but she can't be living off you, let alone with you in your family home for gods sake!

Anyway, why is she being so expectant of you? You're doing her a favour don't forget and EVERYBODY from the country who goes to college in Dublin has to try pay rent, work weekends, try and have a social life whilst squeezing in a bit of actual college work along the way...it's not easy, and you're offering to help her out....It may sound harsh, but last time I checked, a leech was a parasite...

omb0wyn5ehpij9

You HAVE to get her to move out of your house mate. I was in a similiar situation. My girlfriend at the time needed to move out, she wasnt getting on with her parents, so she stayed here. It went from staying for a week or 2, to about 3 or 4 months, then the place she moved into had a problem so she was back here about 2 months later for another 3 or 4 months. It made a total mess of our relationship. I am the same as you, i need my space, have always been like that. And my ex wasnt comfortable being here on her own with my paretns so if she was here, i had to be here! Please please please get her to move asap, it will all end in tears

Best of luck mate

Julesie

I understand your problem and it does seem to be a very claustrophobic situation. Can you see a point in the future where you would want to live with her again if the circumstances were different (i.e. your own place). Are there some aspects of her personality that really grate with you that would still bug you even if she wasnt living with you?
I think that if this relationship is doomed then making a clear break when she moves out might be best for everyone but then again only you know the exact dynamics of your relationship.

LegacyUser

little miss wrote:

Presume she's away with the parents at the moment? Do you miss her, or just feel relieved to have some space? That can tell you a lot about a relationship...

Well i do miss her, but to be honest i'm just happy to have some space at the moment, besides she's pissing me off at the moment so i don't really care at the minute.

therecklessone wrote:

Apologies for stating the obvious, but if you continue in the relationship then you will have to live with each other at some point. Maybe this just ain't to be...

Well living with someone 20+ years old to living with someone when you're 30+ is a tad different.

therecklessone wrote:

Is it possible that things are complicated by it being your parents house, and that you're freedom is limited by that as well?

Na, it's only my mother and brother, not a big family..

therecklessone wrote:

Have you looked at other ways to ease the pressure? Does she go home at weekends? How about asking her to stay with friends if she's out for a night with them?

She doesn't have any nights out..

DubGuy wrote:

dude that sucks!

Not being bad, but you were sorting her out for a while, you know temporary arangement...2 YEARS LATER SHE'S STILL THERE!? If it was me, i'd tell her you know this is crazy! You love her and all that speech, but she can't be living off you, let alone with you in your family home for gods sake!

Well i can't blame her for the 1st year, i said it was fine, i should have put my foot down last summer though, i knew this would happen.

Julesie wrote:

Can you see a point in the future where you would want to live with her again if the circumstances were different (i.e. your own place).

Maybe LOONG into the future, i don't plan that far ahead to be honest..

Julesie wrote:

Are there some aspects of her personality that really grate with you that would still bug you even if she wasnt living with you?

Not if she wasn't living with me, if we spent less time together then the time we DID spend together would be better, seeing each other everyday kinda means there's nothing to talk about anymore.

The one thing that really pissed me off, was when i actually told her how i felt, and she always goes on as if it's best to be honest and everything so we can work things out, but when i told her this she more or less brushed it off in the hope that my feelings would just go away..

NO my feelings won't go away, and NO i can't wait until the end of the ****ing year to deal with it... deal with it NOW!

she's gonna hate me when she sees this thread:rolleyes:

We haven't spoken since yesterday (since she hung up on me) and to be honest at the moment i don't have any interest in talking again.

stoopidkid

Ok, i'm the gf here. I knew he was moving out. Just not in a few weeks. He never gave me any indication that he wanted to move out before May or that he had any trouble with me staying there till then. I thought that when we patched things up a few weeks ago and he gave me his blessing to stay that he was gonna stay with me.

I was so pisd yesterday because I came across a thread on a forum here sayin that he wanted to move out in March. He hadn't discussed this with me before hand at all. He seems to think it's none of my business that he's leaving me with his Mother and brother whom I dont really know all that well on my own. I understand that he needs his space, I would have just liked to have been told and not have to find out on boards on xmas day.

I know I'm clingy but I'm scared of losing him and quite happy with our living arrangements at the moment. There's nothing I love more than coming home after a horrible day in college and knowing he'll be there.

So there ya's are, I know you all think I'm a right auld bitch but he's no angel either.

Victor

Just to say its a perfestly healthty thing for people in a relationship to have "mytime". If there is no mytime, everyone gets a little stuck in routine and they don't get to do anything different.

frustratedargh

stoopidkid wrote:

Ok, i'm the gf here. I knew he was moving out. Just not in a few weeks. He never gave me any indication that he wanted to move out before May or that he had any trouble with me staying there till then. I thought that when we patched things up a few weeks ago and he gave me his blessing to stay that he was gonna stay with me.

And that was the plan, but i'm realising i can't keep my feelings bottled up just to make you happy, i told you how i felt, what made you think i'd be able to put everything off for another 6 months?

stoopidkid wrote:

I was so pisd yesterday because I came across a thread on a forum here sayin that he wanted to move out in March. He hadn't discussed this with me before hand at all. He seems to think it's none of my business that he's leaving me with his Mother and brother whom I dont really know all that well on my own. I understand that he needs his space, I would have just liked to have been told and not have to find out on boards on xmas day.

How exactly did you come across the thread? you don't browse the particular forum, so i guess you were logged into my account again. I've now changed the password. It's december, it was only xmas eve that i definitely decided to move out when talking to stephen, i'm sorry i didn't call you that very second to let you know.

I'm no angel, i don't claim to be..

stoopidkid

I wasn't logged into your account. I was browsing out of sheer boredom. You said on the phone last night that you two spoke about it 3weeks ago. We wouldnt be in this position if you'd just feckin told me what you were thinking. How was I to know that all this was bubbling up in your head?

Can we just stop this stupidity please? Ok, you're moving out in March, I'll prob ask Duz if I can kip on her floor for the last term, it's feckin sorted so just forget about it. Right?

frustratedargh

that's the problem, I CAN'T FORGET IT!!!! jeez! You keep telling me to forget it, i can't!! if i even try, then we'll fall back into the same routine, you'll forget it and think everything is fine and i'll be back posting here looking for advice. it won't work

Victor

Take it to PMs.

Locked for 24 hours.

frustratedargh

do you mind if this is kept open? I know it's a tad childish arguing on a msg bored, but i think if she sees an outside view on things(other peoples opinions) then it may make her see sense.. I'm obviously not having any effect..

I won't argue from now...

frustratedargh

neither of us will argue i mean..

D-Generate

Wow domestic dispute on boards! Official best PI thread ever!

P.S Its not going to work if you are encrouching on each others territory this much. If he needs his space then give it to him, its either that or lose him.

yawnstretch

Godamnit - why is it as soon as a thread gets interesting that mods feel the need to exercise their 'power'.

IMO mods should use their power for spam only.

Victor

yawnstretch wrote:

Godamnit - why is it as soon as a thread gets interesting that mods feel the need to exercise their 'power'.

IMO mods should use their power for spam only.

Banned :v: :v: :v:

Vangelis

frustratedargh! wrote:

i don't think you're getting the jist of this man, i'm saying i don't want to live together, not move out into our own place. I feel the need for space because i don't have any. Before i met her i loved to be on my own, i loved having my own space.. now all of a sudden i have nothing, we see each other everyday of the week, all night together etc.. i just want alone time and a normal relationship.

Okay, I get it now.
But what is a normal relationship to you? A relationship where you don't live together?

Are you afraid of letting go of your life as a 'free' man? That's the impression I get from you. There's nothing wrong with that. Perhaps a break would be good for you?

But how does she feel about this? Have you talked to her?

CathyMoran

Maybe living together in your early 20's is not a good idea, but then again a lot of our parents were married by then...having said that if you have to live with someone it is different from wanting to live with someone, it is better never to be dependant on someone. You may just need to sort out your personal space, that may mean moving out for a time, even taking a break to get your life back in a stronger way before you can move back in.

To the gf in question, if you cling on to him you are far more likely to loose him.

tonymontana

Just say you've had a reconversion to Catholocism over the Christmas period and that your new found religion doesn't allow cohabitation! God, things were so much easier in the old days, didn't have to worry about things like this or whether you were a good kisser or not or how good you are in bed!

Crash

I'm sorry, i dont think theres anything wrong with a bit of space. i know generally i'm quite a solitary person, like having time to just be on my own and think, and i'd find it very hard if i were living with someone and going to college with them with the current mindset i have. I can understand completely the idea of just having moments of freedom where its not a case of being in the same situation day in day out.

dudara

Speaking as someone who has been part of a cohabiting couple for the best part of 6 years, you still need your space. Time apart.

Moving in together has to be mutual to start. Starting as a temporary arrangement will not work in the majority of cases in the long run. If you're 20+, and have just left home, then you're using him to replace your domestic structure from home.

I don't regret living with my bf, not for one second, but it was after living on my own for a while. I knew what I wanted

pinkybrain

Well you might as well keep us updated on the situation.

By the way man, you can't win, just remember that!!
Having a girlfriend is constant frustration, happy new year.

frustratedargh

dudara wrote:

If you're 20+, and have just left home, then you're using him to replace your domestic structure from home.

This is very true...

Thankfully though, this thread has made her see things a little differently, in her own words ''i know now that my BF should only be a part of my life, not the whole thing''.. This was the kind of thing i was looking for..

She's moving out sometime in January, and i'm still moving out as soon as i have the money.

toffeapple

get out of there.... head to oz or south america and see the world....forget it life's to short. too young for that b*ll*x.

chump

frustratedargh! wrote:

(she does have a **** load in the credit union, if she REALLY wanted to she could afford a place),

I hattte this kinda sh!t... I know one lad in particular who has I'd say 60+grand sitting doing nothing, and the fukker uses lack of money as an excuse to not part-take in life(going out, going on trips, buying a round etc etc...). Now I know this is just an excuse, but gawd, what's the point in having money if you won't use it to do.

Tell the [lady] to take out the money and cop on, tell her you don't give a bollix if it's set aside for a house or a car or a tricycle, and then dump her.

stoopidkid

Ok, i need to clear some stuff up.

1. I have been paying rent since I moved in with him, I also have my own food 80% of the time.
2. I worked a ****e job for a year between school and college to be save so I wouldn't have to sponge off anyone, my family can't really afford to give me anything.
3. I am not a leech- I have worked part/full-time jobs since I was 13 years old.
4. The money I have in the Credit Union is to get me through my final year at college, because of the course I'm doing, I won't be able to work the summer between 3rd and 4th year because of fieldwork, so I'm saving my money for that.

He's not speaking to me right now, even though I'm moving out and changing my whole life, just to make him happy. I even offered him the money to move out so I could stay and pay cheaper rent, he's the one that has a full time job ffs.

I think he's just being mean to me now. He has no reason to anymore. If he wants to break up with me then say it to me, don't post it on myspace like a heartless bastard.
I'm actually glad I'm moving out now.

I wanted to save this relationship, thats why I'm gonna move out, I don't think he does wanna save it.

[Jackass]

Fair enough...no need to break up though, (if either of you are thinking about it) .. you've just had a pretty intense couple of years, maybe take a week holiday from eachother (I dont like the word "break") and then go out for a few drinks/dinner together after having that space and time apart...i think in time it'll all sort it's self out & get back to the good old days...and sorry for calling you a leech

nesf

Space in a relationship can be a great healer. Personally I really need it. I need time alone now and then. My partner is the same way. I'd venture to say that it's the same for most people I know. Taking time apart from one another might be a very healthy thing for your relationship. Imho.

WalkswithDeath

frustratedargh! wrote:

i don't think you're getting the jist of this man, i'm saying i don't want to live together, .

sounds like your relationship is going no were. so do the right thing by your girlfriend and break up with her so she can find someone who is ready for a grown up relationship cause it is plain to see that Ur not ready for one

frustratedargh

WalkswithDeath wrote:

sounds like your relationship is going no were. so do the right thing by your girlfriend and break up with her so she can find someone who is ready for a grown up relationship cause it is plain to see that Ur not ready for one

you think a grown up relationship is living together when you're 20 and 21? Ok so. Whatever you're into.

frustratedargh

stoopidkid wrote:

He's not speaking to me right now, even though I'm moving out and changing my whole life, just to make him happy. I even offered him the money to move out so I could stay and pay cheaper rent, he's the one that has a full time job ffs.

I'm not going to repeat myself to you... You know i'm not going to take your money. And to be completely honest, even though i don't care if i move out, i don't see why i have to move out of my own ****ing house to please you.. You're an adult ffs, take responsability for yourself.. Stand on your own two goddamn feet.

stoopidkid wrote:

I think he's just being mean to me now. He has no reason to anymore. If he wants to break up with me then say it to me, don't post it on myspace like a heartless bastard.
I'm actually glad I'm moving out now.

I wanted to save this relationship, thats why I'm gonna move out, I don't think he does wanna save it.

Ya see, this is exactly what i'm talking about... Because i didn't reply to her texts (because i had no credit) for a few hours i'm now being mean and want to break up...

I can't ****ing have a few hours to myself without listening to this shít

WalkswithDeath

a grown up relationship is were u when you need space and you have the other person living with you go for a walk go out with friends don't tell her when you feel like you need space that she should move out. how do you think she feels she is saying one thing to you to keep you happy . put yourself in her shoe's and think if she was doing this to you how would you feel. and yes if you keep going out with this girl she will want to get a place together .and what will you do than. do you ever see your self living with this girl.

frustratedargh

WalkswithDeath wrote:

a grown up relationship is were u when you need space and you have the other person living with you go for a walk go out with friends

I'm afraid going for a walk isn't really my idea of space.

WalkswithDeath wrote:

don't tell her when you feel like you need space that she should move out.

It's not like i was happy one second, then the next second decided i needed space, it took me ****ing ages to tell her how i felt...

WalkswithDeath wrote:

how do you think she feels she is saying one thing to you to keep you happy.

So what do you suggest, that i keep schtum? bury those feelings and forget about them? What would that achieve? There's two people in this relationship, i'm one of them, my feelings count... I've helped her through a **** load in her life, i thought it was time i thought about me for a change.

WalkswithDeath wrote:

put yourself in her shoe's and think if she was doing this to you how would you feel.

To be honest, if she was doing this to me, i would have moved out long ago.

WalkswithDeath wrote:

and yes if you keep going out with this girl she will want to get a place together .and what will you do than. do you ever see your self living with this girl.

Maybe, maybe not,, not in the near future anyway.... But that would be the same as any relationship i have in the future, doesn't really mean anything

WalkswithDeath

frustratedargh wrote:

So what do you suggest, that i keep schtum? bury those feelings and forget about them? What would that achieve? There's two people in this relationship, i'm one of them, my feelings count... I've helped her through a

**** load in her life, i thought it was time i thought about me for a change.

To be honest, if she was doing this to me, i would have moved out long ago.

Maybe, maybe not,, not in the near future anyway.... But that would be the same as any relationship i have in the future, doesn't really mean anything

sounds like to me your not happy at all in this relationship maybe breaking up would be the best thing for you. give u time to think what it is you want. and if feelings change you can always get back together . your right there is a time when you have to put ur self first.

elexes

your both muppets
your using the boards.ie forum to have a public argument . if you want to do that go to a pub/eddy rockets anywhere that is not here

tbh your relationship sounds doomed

DDLR

Grimes wrote:

Perhaps moving in the bf's/gf's at such a young age is not a great idea. Id just say that you are doing the right thing. Space could improve your relationship.

Me and my G/f Moved in togetter 8months after meeting i was 16 and she was 17 and now we are togetter nearly 6 year we have one son and have another due in 3 weeks,

Personaly i think it comes down to the people,
I love my space yes but i love her and my son more, So if it means i need to put that to one side to make them happy i will, BUT if it gets to the state were i need room, I just go out for the day clear my head and come home to my lovely family,

For the Poster, no one can really tell you what to do,
You need to take a nice walk, and think really hard, Do i love her that much to work past my space issue or do i just tell her to move out and leave it at that, There is no half and half here, If you love her leave it as it is and just take a day out to youre self when ever you need it, Take a walk down the pub/Park or jump in youre car and go down to youre mates house

LegacyUser

I don’t plan that far ahead

Might be worth a bit of thought. No decisions, just consider your options, I’d say.

Lady, you sound like you’re planning a bit (good idea saving for final year btw) – you guys talk about your plans much?

Is it close to suggest that you’re only finding out how strongly he felt about his space now?

it took me ****ing ages to tell her how i felt..

I think (having made a couple of boo boos, I might add) that it’s better to talk out those decisions before they’re made.

There's two people in this relationship, i'm one of them, my feelings count...

gotta finish that sentence with something like “ so do hers and we should talk about sh1t like that.”

I’d agree with elexes that you guys are unusual having this out on a forum, but hey it seems to have brought some big feelings up and into the open. Maybe write a couple of notes to each other.

Happy new year. Looks like a good one from over here.

ed