Breathers/Breaks

Dathai

Lo all,

Things arent going so smoothly with the girlfriend recently, not going into detail, I just need some impartial advice on a general scale.
We've argued alot, and things have gotten a bit tense between us lately.And we've agreed after new years we'll have a bit of a breather, not seeing eachother for a week or two, or a bit more.This, has made me very uncomfortable, I want to still be with her, as in, not go and get with other people, and Im hoping that she'll understand that and stay faithfull.
Im very insecure about us, I dont get on with her friends that well, except 2.Only one of who I speak to fairly frequently online and stuff.And Im also very insecure that she will stay faithful to me in the relationship, like everytime she goes to hang out with mates or something, I get worried. Bit pathetic, but I think she is the same.
I was talking with her over text and she brought up taking a breather for a bit in the new year, for "a couple of weeks", now, I dont really know how long that will be, and Im a bit concerned whether or not theres any point in being with her if we need such a substantial amount of time apart.As you may guess, Im rather worried that she will fool around with people.
Now, I suggested to her that we talk about this in person, but apparently thats just going to "drag it on".Now, I made myself clear that I would like to talk about it in person as it is a serious matter to me.
Like, Im sure I could get with someone after her, its just that at the moment, Im not feeling so sure.Im a nice enough guy like, Im just quite shy and not too aggressive when flirting/chatting up.

Thing is, is it ok to feel this dependant on her, this worried, and almost needy? Its a pretty stupid question to me at the moment, but Im not sure about myself anymore.

Heyes

Right the only way this is going to "drag on" as your girlfriend says, is if you dont sit down and talk about it face to face. From what im reading (and i could be totally wrong, if i am please correct me), is that there is a couple of issues that need to be addressed a.s.a.p, and both of you are kinda avoiding the situation, and kinda taking the easy option out by not talking about it.

I really do think you should sit down and talk about it, what is the harm in that ? at least you will both know where you stand, and can either move on from this situation or take the decided break.

There is a number of things i could say, but would you mind me asking how old you are before i continue ?

Dathai

we're both in our early(16) and late teens.

Heyes

Okay so im gonna guess this is your first "relationship" , the way your feeling is perfectly normal. Most feel that way at any stage in there life. So dont be freating about that.

Secondly, i really do feel you need to sit her down and talk about it, i know i personally would need to talk about the situation rather than putting it on the "back burner", at least you will both know where you stand. Yes, i know she is kinda avoiding sitting down and talking about it, but just tell her that you would really like to, and that it is important to you that you do so.

You are clearly important to each other, so if she realises the importance it is to you, then she will more than likely sit down, and you can sort this out together.

Zombrex

Sorry mate but it sounds like she wants to shop around for a bit.

It is kinda understandable if she is only 16. But if its her idea, and just by the fact that she is a girl, I would say it is very likely she will be with other guys on this break.

This might lead to her going "Not the same I want you back", but simply the idea of this will probably f**k with your head quite a lot. And realistically she probably won't come back. Sorry but that is just life.

If you do decide to take a "break" but you don't think you could cope with her being with other guys (which is perfectly natural), you need to make it crystal clear that this is a break from each other, not a licence to try other things.

If she is not happy with that, if she really wants to try being with other people I'm afraid a break up is probably better option than a break.

Dathai

We're not ending, its just to cool off.Its not like we're breaking up and then getting back, its just a breather from eachother for a week or two, as we are alwasy in eachothers company really.I think that she just wants to hang out with her friends a bit more really.

Heyes

Wicknight wrote:

Sorry mate but it sounds like she wants to shop around for a bit.

It is kinda understandable if she is only 16. But if its her idea, and just by the fact that she is a girl, I would say it is very likely she will be with other guys on this break.

This might lead to her going "Not the same I want you back", but simply the idea of this will probably f**k with your head quite a lot. And realistically she probably won't come back. Sorry but that is just life.

If you do decide to take a "break" but you don't think you could cope with her being with other guys (which is perfectly natural), you need to make it crystal clear that this is a break from each other, not a licence to try other things.

If she is not happy with that, if she really wants to try being with other people I'm afraid a break up is probably better option than a break.

What he is saying is very likely...hence why you need to TALK TO HER..

Heyes

Dathai wrote:

We're not ending, its just to cool off.Its not like we're breaking up and then getting back, its just a breather from eachother for a week or two, as we are alwasy in eachothers company really.I think that she just wants to hang out with her friends a bit more really.

ah okay... think we may have been reading into it a lot more than what was actually there.

just talk to her, tell her how you feel, before the time apart, and then see what happens from there. the time will allow you both some time to think about what you want, and have a possible happier relationship in turn.

Dathai

Well, you see, Im quite paranoid about alot of things, I will have thought every thought possible about 20 times and more, and made up new things because of it.I just needed some help on this matter.I think that what you're saying Heyes is a good idea, the talking, thanks for backing me up on the idea.
If she does cheat on me, then Im the kind of person to get the last laugh, so I'll more than likely end up having her get her arse handed to her for doing it to me, or just doing the same.

Heyes

Dathai wrote:

Well, you see, Im quite paranoid about alot of things, I will have thought every thought possible about 20 times and more, and made up new things because of it.I just needed some help on this matter.I think that what you're saying Heyes is a good idea, the talking, thanks for backing me up on the idea.
If she does cheat on me, then Im the kind of person to get the last laugh, so I'll more than likely end up having her get her arse handed to her for doing it to me, or just doing the same.

No no dont be talking about cheating and payback, before you have even gone on a break. You have to try and trust her.

I am exactly the same as you, i tend to over think every situation when im having a bit of bother about something, and in turn drive myself up the wall.

But really all you can do on this one is talk to her, and to also just play it by ear, i know its hard,because you are clearly cracked about her. But the talking will lift a massive weight off your shoulders, and make things a lot more clearer for you and her.

Zombrex

Ok, really it shouldn't be that big deal if a couple don't see each other for a week or two, I mean how often do you see each other at the moment?. If it is all the time maybe that is a bit of the problem there, you could be smothering each other.

The idea of a "break" in my mind implies that while you are not seeing each other you are both "free" so to speak to try out other things. That is my understanding of the term. If you don't think that it means she is free to kiss/snog/shift/meet (what ever the young people are saying these days) other people you want to clarify that with her before hand. Because otherwise it isn't really a "break" it is just not living in each others pockets for a few weeks, which is kinda not very healthy anyway.

If you think she is going to "cheat" on you during this break first chance she gets then really you two seem to be having serious trust issues. You need to calmly talk to her about this, but don't come across as "Oh my god don't break up with me!" needy.

Zombrex

Sorry I just noticed you said "breather" rather than "break"

I think that is a good idea, you definitately seem to be spending too much time together you think she needs time to spend with her other friends.

But at the same time, from what you said it doesn't sound too good, especially that she seem to want it to start right now without properly talking about it. That sounds like she is close to a break up.

If you want to keep her I would go along with it (making it clear it is a breather not a licence to be with other guys). But I'm afraid you shoudl probably prepare yourself that she may not want to come back

For your own sanity though I would put a limit on how much BS you are personally willing to accept. Just cause she wants all this space doesn't mean you have to be happy with it. You can break up with her after all if you think she is just walking all over you.

Nevyn

Co Dependance and getting in a rut sucks in any relationship.
It can be good to take a bit of a break and a step back sometimes you dont
see as clearly the person you are with if you get too close.

I hope it goes well for the both of you.

cheekyass

I think the others are right and you should talk to her. See if you can come to a mutual agreement to give each other some space but still be a couple and not go on a "break".
Make sure she realises that this means shes not free to go off with other people, and you will still consider it to be cheating if she does.
your still fairly young though so figure out what works for you and do what suits YOU.

From my own experiences , breaks never really have worked. But thats not to say that they dont work for others.