Ex & kiddies complication

ThiiinkPink!

Happy new year everyone

Not sure how much help you will be with the hangovers and all, but I do need advice..

I've got kids for an ex I split up with a few months ago. To cut a very long story short, I dont love him anymore and he wont let it go.

I have tried the softly does it approach with him, like I said -there are kids involved and I need a happy ship for their sakes.
He goes through periods of trying it on with me, then he gets angry with me when I wont give in.
I avoid all confrontations with him in front of the kids, but hes childish enough to drag it out there and then, resulting in the older one crying.
Who has started saying things like 'you dont love daddy anymore'.

Ex drinks when upset, then gets abusive - its a vicious circle.

Should I drop the nice and go ice-queen ?

dbnavan

Obviously the nice approach doesnt work with him, sit him down when he is sober and tell him in no uncertain terms "its over" and he has to let u go, if the anger is really bad, get a barring order on him, keep the kids out of it wont help them, u dont need to be beaten to get a barring order, I know someone who had to do this just to get a break and get their head straight. No shame in it, he can collect the kids outside the house.

Shabadu

Is there some way you could get a family member or friend to be with you when he is coming over to visit the kids?

As for the kiddies, tell them you will always love each other and them, that it's not their fault, but everyone will be happier in the long run if you live in different houses.

Don't put yourself in a position that he can come onto you. Just stay cheerful, like it has totally passed you by, and brush it off when he gets angry. Just don't fall into the same pattern of arguements. Leave the room, ignore him, just don't argue back. I know it's bloody difficult, but you can do it and he'll give up eventually.

ThiiinkPink!

Shabadu wrote:

Is there some way you could get a family member or friend to be with you when he is coming over to visit the kids?
As for the kiddies, tell them you will always love each other and them, that it's not their fault, but everyone will be happier in the long run if you live in different houses.Don't put yourself in a position that he can come onto you. Just stay cheerful, like it has totally passed you by, and brush it off when he gets angry. Just don't fall into the same pattern of arguements. Leave the room, ignore him, just don't argue back. I know it's bloody difficult, but you can do it and he'll give up eventually.

Getting someone else to come by while hes there isnt a bad idea actually.
Hes less likely to try anything or show his nasty streak either. However, it will be difficult to organise that. I will try have someone here whenever possible.
I've actually left the room on many occasion, but in insisted on chasing me around the place. I know he will eventually give up, but its very tiring. We are split up since early Sept I think, and Im just knackered looking after the kids by myself all the time. (he will very seldom take them to his mothers)
Very manipulative person to say the least.

ThiiinkPink!

dbnavan wrote:

Obviously the nice approach doesnt work with him, sit him down when he is sober and tell him in no uncertain terms "its over"

I've told him several times over that we are through. on occasion he asks me that himself, but washes over the answer. same with the 'do you love me' question. Its wearing me down.
Guess I will have to battle on..


Thanks for your replies

Squirrel

Is there somewhere you can go and bring the kids, like your parents house, to avoid the stress on you from bringing them up yourself. I don't know the full situation, but he definately shouldn't be trying to argue with you infront of the kids. Sit him down and tell him outright, then threaten him with a barring order if he reacts and walk away

ThiiinkPink!

Squirrel wrote:

Is there somewhere you can go and bring the kids, like your parents house, to avoid the stress on you from bringing them up yourself. I don't know the full situation, but he definately shouldn't be trying to argue with you infront of the kids. Sit him down and tell him outright, then threaten him with a barring order if he reacts and walk away

They live around the corner from me, im in rented house with the kids.
Theres no way my parents would have me and the little ones in the house for much more than a day! they are 2 and 4. quite energetic I might add!
They know my situation with the ex, so it doesnt make any difference.
Like I was saying, I know name-calling and raised voices around kids is not a good thing. I never start it, and walk away when he does. but he follows me around till I lead him to the door, he just gets louder then- and proceeds to shout abuse at me from the pillars! :eek:
Its not easy. I wish he would just grow up and realise that this is a difficult time for the kids too, and they need reassurance that despite the fact that daddy isnt around as much, that we still love them. Its not happening though.
Im giving them extra cuddles and kisses, tell them that I love them very much, just wish the ex could do the same

SexeeAussie

I just want to offer my sympathy here. I had an ex like you....well ,I still do, but he is currently in the UK so I only have to deal with abusive text messages and emails...

I hate to say it, but he probably won't ever change. He sounds like the type that will be resentful and old grudges for as long as he is alive.

What worked for me (and I have to point out that the ex I had was violent and abusive towards me...so it was really bad) was to avoid contact with him if possible.... My daughter was at daycare at the time so he would pick her up, drop her off there...avoiding contact with me.

The more he saw that I was getting on with my life, the more trouble he caused. He was never abusive or anything with the kids, but he used to ask my daughter questions about what I was doing all the time. That really sucked.

I think all I can offer in advice is to be strong, persist in making the kids feel secure and loved. If he insists on saying horrid things to the kids I would tell him that he is not seeing them until he can act like an adult. When my ex goes on his psycho rant I just remind him that the person in all this who loses is our daughter...... and that he may be angry and jealous and cranky etc etc at ME......but that has nothing to do with her.

I wish I could be more help, I hope it goes well for you

Rach