Does anyone else have this problem with their mother?

LegacyUser

I know this is long but please bear with me… Thanks.

My family is having serious problem at the moment, mainly involving my mother. Basically my parents are in their early 60's. There are 3 children in the family, 2 of which live overseas, and I live in Dublin, 1.5 hours away from my parents. My mother is suffering terribly from loneliness and depression, and nothing we try to do will make her any better. She is a very negative person - any comments seem to always be made in a negative sense, and even though I try really hard to get her thinking positive, she always seems to have an excuse: I'm too old, or You don't know what I've been through etc etc. My father travels quite a bit with work but he is there more often than not. Because my mother has never had a job since she got married over 30 years ago, she has little to occupy her time, and especially in the winter, the things she does, like gardening, do not appeal to her as much, and she has little desire to find new interests.

My parents aren't as close as they used to be, mainly because my father can't stand the constant negativity and criticism that my mother dishes out all the time. Occasionally he will loose the rag and shout and curse, but more so his way of dealing with it is to bite his tongue and say nothing. My father is not very open with his feelings and when he gets depressed he just needs time on his own and not to be bothered. But my mother just complains "Your father never talks to me"... They don’t really share any interests, my dad likes football and reading. He tries, but she always complaints that they do not do enough together and she has no ‘companion’.

The one thing my mother wants in life is the one thing she cannot have - a "Normal Family Life" - as all the children have flown the nest, but all she wants is us all around all the time. She cannot accept that we have our own lives now and we cannot revolve around her any more. She constantly compares us to her friend’s families who she seems to think the family worship the parents and couldn’t live without them. I visit at least once a week and we all call a few times a week but it is never enough. Sometimes we try to make an effort to get all the family together, so my dad plans a trip to the UK where we can all meet up. Instead of her being delighted that she is going to see her family, she complains about all the (menial) things she has to do: pack bags, make a 2 hour drive to the airport, and makes a huge fuss over what she will do with the dog, when to any normal person these are not problems at all. You just deal with it!

To top it all off my parents have been in quite a bit of financial trouble over the past few years, a very difficult place to be in when you are that age. They have a beautiful house and there is always food on the table – however they are still paying a mortgage and as my father is self employed there is no steady flow of income, and large credit card debts are mounting. This is all on my father’s shoulders but my mother could worry for Ireland and constantly gets herself down with all these terrible worries about the future, things which she has absolutely no control over.

She had an alcohol problem when I was very young, but stayed sober for well over 10 years. However she is now back drinking form time to time, which only makes her worse, and when she try to talk to her she goes into almost hysterical crying. I try so hard to change her mindset, get her thinking more positively, get control over her life, get less dependant of my father. A doctor recommended her to join a group of people ages 50+ who get together and do things. Basically she is kind of a snob and says she doesn’t want to hang out with ‘old fogies’. She will not go to AA for her drinking problem in case anyone she knows in the town might find out.

I have discussed this with a few of my very close friends and amazingly a few of them say that she have many of the same problems with their mothers. Their mothers feel they are not part of the family any more as all the lids have left. Their husbands don’t take an interest in them any more and the family is dick of the constant negative attitude.

If 2 out of the 3 people I shared this with have the same problem then this is bound to be a problem in many households. So, can anyone else relate to my problem and can you offer any advise as to how to deal with it?

Thanks for reading.

py2006

Unfortunately I can't really help you out there as my own mother died some years ago.

I do however fear something similar will happen my dad as it will soon become time for me to leave the nest and he may get a bit the same way.

The only thing I could suggest is some sort of counseling.

PS. You have a couple typo's that you may wanna fix!

UberNewb

Good God! Thats sounds just like my family. :eek:

What you're doing now is far more than a lot of people I know, you have your own life to live...

patchouli

ConcernedSon wrote:

A doctor recommended her to join a group of people ages 50+ who get together and do things. Basically she is kind of a snob and says she doesn’t want to hang out with ‘old fogies’.

Not a very original suggestion here.... but maybe having a good councellor/thereapist to talk things through with might help.
If her doctor can't recommend someone, or she feels uncomfortable confiding in him/her then maybe she could visit a doctor in another area.

Another suggestion - maybe she could get involved in some voluntary work, or if she's in good health then maybe a part-time job for a few hours during the week would give her a social outlet.

seamus

There's only so much you can do. She's the only person who can realise that she can't have things the way she wants them.

TBH, it sounds like a lot of parents of people around the same age as me - particularly the mothers. Most of them are of the "My entire life has been about my kids, and now they're all gone" breed of the last fifty years, and it's an unfortunate place to be.

As I think you've realised, interests are the key. She has to find something that she enjoys doing, ideally something social - but if she doesn't want to hang around with people that's fine - and concentrate on that.

Does your Dad know how she is? Does he have any plans to wind up/pass on his business - I'm assuming he's very close to retirement? Perhaps find something that they both enjoy and can do together.

People have always said that parents spend their entire lives looking after the kids, but once the kids have grown up, they look after the parents. There's no reason why this should be. Sure, she's your mother, but you have your own life, and assuming she's in good health she has plenty of accomplishments left in her without being resigned to the rocking chair and daytime TV.

Le Rack

My Nanna is fairly darn similar to your situation. One of her sons was killed at 17, my Aunt is living 3hrs away, my other uncle in New Zealand and we live 30mins away.

She pretty much says that her own family has no time for her but so-and-so's do this that and the other, so why can't she. If something is done for her she only sees the negative, at times everything is great but she gets very depressed and it's impossible to see her like that.

We seem to cope by listening ot the complaints and working with what openings we can, it's difficult but for someone of that age who is set in their ways and beliefs you have to work with what you're given...

ConcernedSon

ConcernedSon wrote:

I know this is long but please bear with me… Thanks.

My family is having serious problem at the moment, mainly involving my mother. Basically my parents are in their early 60's. There are 3 children in the family, 2 of which live overseas, and I live in Dublin, 1.5 hours away from my parents. My mother is suffering terribly from loneliness and depression, and nothing we try to do will make her any better.

Ok firstly some remedial action.Can you arrange that your Mum visits her two sibblings maybe twice a year? If they are not too far away? (I'd suggest all three of you club together by the way to at least do a once off clearance of the credit card bills-these are the parents who made you what you are today after all)

She is a very negative person - any comments seem to always be made in a negative sense, and even though I try really hard to get her thinking positive, she always seems to have an excuse: I'm too old, or You don't know what I've been through etc etc.

Thats a vicious circle and cycle that she's got into.Has she any brothers or sisters alive that can visit her ?

My father travels quite a bit with work but he is there more often than not. Because my mother has never had a job since she got married over 30 years ago, she has little to occupy her time, and especially in the winter, the things she does, like gardening, do not appeal to her as much, and she has little desire to find new interests.

Probably a symptom of depression.She needs something to look foward too if thats to be tackled.Visiting her other sibblings would help.

My parents aren't as close as they used to be, mainly because my father can't stand the constant negativity and criticism that my mother dishes out all the time. Occasionally he will loose the rag and shout and curse, but more so his way of dealing with it is to bite his tongue and say nothing. My father is not very open with his feelings and when he gets depressed he just needs time on his own and not to be bothered. But my mother just complains "Your father never talks to me"... They don’t really share any interests, my dad likes football and reading. He tries, but she always complaints that they do not do enough together and she has no ‘companion’.

Theres only one recipe for this I'm afraid and thats retirement.The three of you are going to have to get together and sort out your parents financial issues and suggest strongly to your father that he retire and spend more time with your Mum.
That mightnt be an easy convincing to do as it sounds like he is using his work at this stage to escape.

The one thing my mother wants in life is the one thing she cannot have - a "Normal Family Life" - as all the children have flown the nest, but all she wants is us all around all the time. She cannot accept that we have our own lives now and we cannot revolve around her any more. She constantly compares us to her friend’s families who she seems to think the family worship the parents and couldn’t live without them.

Well as I see it, theres only one answer to this and you are all going to have to sit down together to work out the plan for retirement.It's only fair in my opinion that the 3 of ye contribute to resolving the financial issues-after all the house will be your inheritance.

I visit at least once a week and we all call a few times a week but it is never enough.

It's not you know.It's just a drop in the ocean to her.
It's not fair on you either as you rightly have your own life to lead.Thats why I think the solution here is to grasp the nettle and work out a retirement plan for your father.
If he doesnt agree to that, then he's selfish tbh and I dont see any other solution to this.

Sometimes we try to make an effort to get all the family together, so my dad plans a trip to the UK where we can all meet up. Instead of her being delighted that she is going to see her family, she complains about all the (menial) things she has to do: pack bags, make a 2 hour drive to the airport, and makes a huge fuss over what she will do with the dog, when to any normal person these are not problems at all. You just deal with it!

Ach thats just run of the mill fussyness from a depressed person in their older age.
It's actually normal and more common than you would think.What you need to do is ignore it and continue to arrange the visits and trips pending persuading your Dad to retire.

To top it all off my parents have been in quite a bit of financial trouble over the past few years, a very difficult place to be in when you are that age. They have a beautiful house and there is always food on the table – however they are still paying a mortgage and as my father is self employed there is no steady flow of income, and large credit card debts are mounting. This is all on my father’s shoulders but my mother could worry for Ireland and constantly gets herself down with all these terrible worries about the future, things which she has absolutely no control over.

As I said, the 3 of you Must get together to either contribute and or work out a once off plan to resolve this.
You have to do that to incentivise your Father to retire which is ultimately the solution to this.

LegacyUser

Cheers guys. Unfortunately the financial situation is far bigger than I let on and even 3 relatively successful siblings wouldn't be able to put a dent in it. Anyway, those worries are only a small part of the problem. My mother always taught me that 'money doesn't solve all your problems' - and I don't think it would solve hers. She'd find something to be miserable about. My parents used to be quite wealthy years ago, and going from that to loosing almost everything is what kills her. But we struggle on and we have an action plan to hopefully fix it eventually.

She has (reluctantly) started seeing a councilor/life coach but I think it will take some more time before we start to see results. We seem to be at our wits end as we have had countless discussions, big heart to hearts with tears streaming, where you think you have really got through to her, but the next day she is reiterating all the same things, as if she didn't listen to/understand anything we said. It’s really frustrating. I hope the councilor will have more of an impact.

She is on anti-depression medication, but for some reason really resents 'resorting to drugs' - she has no problems drinking however. Of course this usually makes her worse but for some reason she thinks it gives her temporary relief. The doctor also gave her something similar to Xanax - to help with anxiety - she is supposed to take 2 a day but that doesn't happen.

The main problem is friends & companionship. They moved out of Dublin a few years ago, so to be able to get a bigger/nicer house with a big garden for a reasonable price. She talks about how she loves the place all the time, as if it is the best town in the country, but realistically they have very few friends down there and there is little to do. One of my sisters came home from overseas and has been living with her for the last 6 weeks, but she does have to leave again soon. We though having someone around all the time would make it better but really it has not made much of a difference… Dad has said he will try to find something that him and mum can do together, but its kinda difficult, as he is not the best as social mixing.

We've tried to suggest a job etc, but she just says no. Probably because of her education and the fact that he has not worked in 40 years, she would not be confident with numbers or paperwork etc. We suggested going to a hospital and visit the elderly - she went down a few days ago and said that she could not stand seeing old people practically dead sitting in chairs. We suggested helping with animals or something like that. She is an absolutely fantastic and talented gardener - wins competitions etc, but getting older now and not able for heavy work. Thinking now, maybe I suggest she offer free advice as a garden designer or something, at least that way she would feel important and appreciated.

Again I feel that she must not be alone and there must be hundreds of other mothers feeling the same. Surely there should be some sort of group or something, anyone got any suggestions?

Retirement? My parents hate the thought of being old and retired. My dad’s passion is his work. He is happiest when busy working on a project, and when business is slow that is when he gets depressed. He will not be retiring for quite a while. He can’t anyway he has debts to pay off.

One thing I forgot to mention earlier is my mother has mentioned suicide several times. She told me she contemplated it once, but ‘only managed to swallow 4 sleeping pills’. And how she wanted to drive her car into the sea, but feared the cold, and worried about what would happen to the dog.

Today, my dad and my sister went up to talk about the situation with my auntie and uncle, andI stayed at home with mum. She told me she was going down to the church to say some prayers. I made her look me in the eye and promise me she was not going to buy booze. But she did and was pissed later. We were very disappointed and talked it out with her, and told her that the main problem is that she is an alcoholic and this problem needs to be addressed first before we can sort the rest out. She denies it and says she can give up booze any time she wants. Obviously this is not true. She then said how we are telling the family that it’s all her fault and we are making her look like she is to blame cause of her drinking. An hour later she asked me for a pen and paper, and what the date was. I though it might a suicide note. I sat down beside her and explained how we are doing everything we can to help, but the things she wants we just cannot give her, but we will do anything reasonable that we can to help.

Ok I’ve gone on long enough. Thanks for reading. I suppose it’s therapeutic to get this down on paper. I’m strong mentally, I can deal with it but it is really taking its toll on my sisters, they have their own problem to worry about. The amazing thing is that anyone that knows my mother or family would have absolutely no idea whatsoever that any of this is going on. They all think we are a ‘model’ family. Beautiful home, married 35 years, 3 fantastic successful children. It’s amazing what happens behind closed doors isn’t it…

Sleepy

Has anyone tried a bit of tough love on your mother? She sounds like she could benefit from being told that she's being childish, selfish and completely unreasonable. Sometimes kid-gloves aren't the best way to deal with people.

neuro-praxis

She's a depressed alcoholic Sleepy, not a petulant child.

freebird

My heart goes out to you reading what you are having to go through, CS. You are so right when you say that behind closed doors lies a very different world from that shown to friends and relatives.

Sounds to me like your mother's talent for gardening should be tapped into. She could offer a service as an "award-winning gardener available for advice on all aspects of gardening" either by posting regularly on
the local Tesco noticeboard, or by door-to-door leaflets, or even a monthly "class/gathering" in her own home/garden. This would cover several aspects of her problem .... an improved social life, a self-esteem building exercise, a contribution to the household finances ..... it's worth a try.

Couldn't help noticing your idea of getting her to give her talents away without charging for their worth. We can all be guilty of devaluing the worth and viability of those around us without even realising we're doing it. I think it's called taking our loved ones for granted.

I'll be moving to west Cork next month, but while in Bray if a lady in her 60s had offered a down-to-earth useful gardening advice service (a refreshing change from the seemingly hi-tech landscape gardener services usually on offer!!) I'd have jumped at the offer.

I wish you all the best for this situation in 2006.

LegacyUser

Thanks. We had a bit of progress a few days ago and mum eventually agreed to go into a hospital for a while. She went in and had a barrage of phschological texts which the doctors said she came out very well. She has had plenty of people to talk to and explain her problems. The place has a course that lasts 10 week, there is zero chance that she'll stay for that long, but we hoped she would give it a few weeks anyway. I've been in to see her and she's great but she is really bored, and wants to come out as soon as her medication program is over - in a few days. I've pleeded with her to give it a bit more, but she says cannot stand being so bored in there, and that now she feels stronger and will be fine after this. I hope this is true...

McGinty

I concur that your situation is an extremely difficult one, but a thought struck me when you said about a lot of your friends have this problem with their parents, espicially the mothers. What I have noticed with a lot of my married friends with children (I was married, and have one child) is that they centre everything on their children, completely and selflessly catering to their children as babies, taking them to various clubs and sports as young children or teenage discos, etc, etc. Then the children leave home and these women suffer 'empty nest syndrome'. First off, and please remember I am a mother (my son is 8) that we chose to bring a child into the world because it was a desire or need we felt, the child did not ask to be brought into the world. Secondly our children are not our own, each child belongs to themselves, I love my son and would lay down my life for him, however I know that my job is to raise him so that he can fly into the world as an adult and live his own life. I am there if he needs me, but when he becomes an adult, it is my duty to step back. I have always kept this in mind, which is why I also pursue my dreams and desires, I do not centre my entire existence around him. Some people have accussed me of being selfish, however if I do not do these things, I will become like your mother. Depressed, sad and feeling alone. Relating back to my friends who do centre everything around their children, I am afraid that they will suffer as your mum is. I can see that you clearly love and care for your mum, however you are not responsible for her well-being. Sleepy was right re: tough love. It doesn't matter how much you do, your actions will never, ever be enough. The reason: because the lack is within herself, and only she can get that back.

One thing I did find helpful, I joined a woman's group about two years ago and the experience was invaluable, maybe this is something your mum could benefit from. I have to say that some of the suggestions have been ludicrious, your parents financial difficulties are not your responsibility, and if you want to care for your parents, then do, but don't do it because you feel you ought to do that. Your dad, nor you or your siblings can truly help your mum, she can only help herself. It may sound harsh, but it sounds like the only way, you have tried every avenue.

Victor

ConcernedSon wrote:

I've been in to see her and she's great but she is really bored, and wants to come out as soon as her medication program is over - in a few days.

I'm not sure how you should tell her this, but this may be the meds talking and she might be setting herself up for a fall.

Change may be hard to do at her age, but I suspect some sort of course to occupy her time might be useful, whether she does the Leaving Cert again or does flower arranging or nude modelling for life drawing* or indeed goes and gets a job (that might require a transition period).

* Whoa! I can be crass when I get inventive.

Civilian_Target

Interestingly - I know of a couple who were in this sort of situation about 15 years ago - going on 65 and the family business had gone under about 5 years before, meaning that the bank still owned part of the house (even though it was a nice house).

It all worked out well in the end. He went and got a job though some of his ex-business partners with some sort of government trade organisation (IDA or something), leaving him out of the country a few days a week, while she went and did part-time nursing and voluntary religious work. With both of them busier than they had been in years, relations much improved, and 5 years later he decided they had enough of the mortgage paid to retire, promptly remortgaging on the increased value of their house which covered not only the old mortgage, but provided a nice boost to the government pension too! And by this stage there were enough grandchildren about to keep any grandmother happy, which, combined with continued voluntary work means they never get time to complain.

Hopefully there's something in that story for you to consider in your plight.