Dad and Miscarraige

hopeful dad

Hi all,

I am a boards regular however due to the nature of my question I have changed my profile for this question for anon reasons hope you all understand why after reading the following, some family and friends use boards and this is a very personal issue

My wife and I have being trying for a baby for 1 1/2 years and last month she got a positive test, we where over joyed only for her period to arrive 3 days later, we went to the hospital and the doc said giving her symtoms and because period was so heavy she quite possibly had a miscarraige, she is taking it very badly and very depressed over it, I have remained strong and supportive, didnt hardly go anywhere over christmas etc.

Til last night she lost it with me and started saying i amnt showing any emotion towards 'losing our baby'. I am supportive of her, and want a baby just as much as she does, but I have remained strong for her sake, yes it hurt, but cause it was so early I dont imagine it as a baby, we are talking couple of weeks. People have these and never even know about it, the doc said.

I know how much she wants a baby and I do to, am I wrong, how do i handle it, cause I dont know.

I love her and just want her to be happy,

Nuttzz

You should really look at fertility testing to see if there if either of you have any problems. The constant "desire" to have a baby can be quiet stressful, this cant be helpful in conceiving. Testing though should be your should be your first stop

Best of luck

hopeful dad

Nuttzz wrote:

You should really look at fertility testing to see if there if either of you have any problems. The constant "desire" to have a baby can be quiet stressful, this cant be helpful in conceiving. Testing though should be your should be your first stop

Best of luck

We have both been tested, all ok there, doc says if she loses weight it will help. but we both know we are feritile. And with respect if we had a miscarrige, fertility isnt an issue.

thanks though

Beruthiel

hopeful dad wrote:

Til last night she lost it with me and started saying i amnt showing any emotion towards 'losing our baby'.

it's obviously hit her hard, and remember, we always take it out on those closest to us.

I am supportive of her, and want a baby just as much as she does, but I have remained strong for her sake, yes it hurt

did you tell her this?

but cause it was so early I dont imagine it as a baby, we are talking couple of weeks

I wouldn't say that to her just yet.

People have these and never even know about it, the doc said.

that is correct, but she seems to want one so badly that to her it was her baby and she lost it.
She is also probably pissed off that she couldn't carry it full term and is upset with herself for that, bet she thinks there is something wrong with her.
as Nuttzz said, she is stressing too much about this and that doesn't help her situation at all.
Perhaps she needs to talk to a professional about this to help her through the next few months.

how do i handle it, cause I dont know.

continue as you are doing, suggest a professional for her to talk to.
also, if she was on the pill before you started trying, then it can take well over a year to get pregnant.
If she feels that there maybe something wrong, then why not go get some tests done?

Kiera

You read this kinda thing in girls mags all the time. About the husband/boyfriend who doesn’t seem to care about the lost child. You wife’s emotions are all over the place right now and if she was in her right mind she wouldn’t be having such a go at you so the best advise I would give you is show you are hurting too. Hug and kiss her and reassure her that it will happen soon. She is probably feeling like its her fault and that she did something wrong so you really need to be there to reassure her that it wasnt.

You said you didn’t even imagine it as a baby, please don’t ever tell her that. I doubt you would anyway. Pretend you did see it as a baby and act the way she wants you to till she’s better. Only option really.

ravenhead

Kiera wrote:

You read this kinda thing in girls mags all the time. About the husband/boyfriend who doesn’t seem to care about the lost child. You wife’s emotions are all over the place right now and if she was in her right mind she wouldn’t be having such a go at you so the best advise I would give you is show you are hurting too. Hug and kiss her and reassure her that it will happen soon.

You said you didn’t even imagine it as a baby, please don’t ever tell her that. I doubt you would anyway. Pretend you did see it as a baby and act the way she wants you to till she’s better. Only option really.

Yeah have to agree with Kiera on this one, TCL is the best way to go, she's probably feeling like crap & more than likely blames herself for it happening.
Make sure you let her know that you are upset about it but that you want to be there for her to make sure that she's ok, cause it's her that's going to be going through the worst of it, Remember that even if she was only a couple of weeks gone she would still have hormones in her system that are going to make her weepy & upset & a bit OTT moody for a little while.

Are ye going to try again straight away?

hopeful dad

Kiera wrote:

Hug and kiss her and reassure her that it will happen soon. She is probably feeling like its her fault and that she did something wrong so you really need to be there to reassure her that it wasnt.

I have been , believe me I see myself as someone who is totally 100% in love with her,

Kiera wrote:

You said you didn’t even imagine it as a baby, please don’t ever tell her that. I doubt you would anyway. Pretend you did see it as a baby and act the way she wants you to till she’s better. Only option really.

I wouldnt say that to her, she has asked me if i saw it as a baby and I said yes, I do love her and would do nothing to make her more upset. I want to help take the hurt away.

hopeful dad

ravenhead wrote:

Are ye going to try again straight away?

yes, we both want to

jay-me

Men are so diffrent from women when it comes to the way they percieve situations and react to them.

Kiera

hopeful dad wrote:

I want to help take the hurt away.

All you can do is be more "in her face" with your love.

KdjaCL

Men see the situation different, we see it as a failed attempt at conception so trying again is our plan ie "it be ok next time"
Women see it as they failed, a very hard thing for a man to understand and try to support someone in that position.

best thing you can do is just be there its not easy (been there 4 times) theres nothing physical you can do so will find it hard to support her, but simply just be there for her. And get tru it together not being there for her can pretty much kill your relationship further on.

Good luck to both of you if possible get away to a hotel for a night or 2 just to not be at home.


kdjac

ravenhead

hopeful dad wrote:

yes, we both want to

Maybe this is the best way for her to see that you're both on the same page & really do want the same things

hopeful dad

KdjaC wrote:

Men see the situation different, we see it as a failed attempt at conception so trying again is our plan ie "it be ok next time"
Women see it as they failed, a very hard thing for a man to understand and try to support someone in that position.

best thing you can do is just be there its not easy (been there 4 times) theres nothing physical you can do so will find it hard to support her, but simply just be there for her. And get tru it together not being there for her can pretty much kill your relationship further on.

Good luck to both of you if possible get away to a hotel for a night or 2 just to not be at home.


kdjac

Thank you Kdjac, you have said what I have been thinking, its just hard to know what to think at times like this, eg, am I doing/saying the right thing etc. But you make alot of sense,

LegacyUser

I know exactly what the OP is going through.My wife lost a baby in early December at 13 weeks pregnant.The worst part about all this is that we had been trying for 5 years and had 2 IVF cycles in 2005.

We found out in early September that we had got pregnant naturally and to say we were overjoyed was an understatement.

The loss at 13 weeks was like a death in the family--actually it was a death in the family and what we are going through now is the whole greivence process and only time will help to heal that pain.

Not a day goes by without me thinking of what happened and to be totally honest I sometimes feel that this may have been our last chance at having that one thing that is missing from both of our lives as we are both getting totally pissed off with all the tests/treatments/IVF thing as well as getting on a bit age wise(We`re both mid 30s).

All I can say to the OP is to just be there for your wife in whatever way you can.Theres going to be days when things are worse than other days and these are the days when she needs you most.

rugbug86

try again - some people miscarry without even knowing. its not unusual to miscarry on first pregnancies. if it happens again, maybe ask the doc for more tests, not fertility tests, there's other tests that can be done to detect the level of antibodies in the blood and sometimes a baby can be seen as an intrusion attempt by the body and the body kills it. there's ways to counteract this though. if you need any info on this, pm me. a friend of mine went through deveral miscarraiges and i know what she went through.

with respect to your wifes feelings, explain how you're feeling. tell her that you're staying strong but that it is affecting you aswell and that you're hurting inside. maybe she just needs to know that someone else understands, and each individual is unique. and everyone deals with things in their own unique way. if you could get her to understand this, it'll be fine.

good luck!

SexeeAussie

Hopeful dad and sameboat.......my heart goes out to you both. I think that the grief men feel is very misunderstood....you feel the loss, and are grieving yet you are feeling the grief for your partner as well.

And because you have not physically suffered the loss it is hard to truly understand what your partner is going through physically.

It certainly sounds as though you are both on the right track though, as the others have said, remain supportive to your partners, be there to listen, to cry with, to do whatever you need to do to ease her pain....but do yourselves a favour too and get some counselling. Whether it be grief or genetic counselling......I am not sure what services are available over there. It may help you to get it all out to someone who is not related.

Another thing I thought that might help is writing your feelings down in a letter to your wife, telling her how hard it is for you at the moment and letting her know that you are hurting as well.

I hope it all turns out for you both.

embee

hopeful dad,

First of all, I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I'm pregnant myself, and due pretty soon, and I found out very early on that I was pregnant. Even though it was very early days, I couldn't help myself from projecting forwards in my mind to the actual idea of having my baby and holding it in my arms. Getting past 12 weeks was a nerve-wracking time. Myself and my partner hadn't been trying for a child though. As ye had been, once ye got the positive result, its easy to assume that your partner hadn't even thought she would miscarry. No one ever thinks it'll happen to them. She probably got so swept up in it that she had started to imagine the baby in real terms, no matter how early she lost it. To her, it was her baby, even though it wasn't by any means a viable embryo at such an early stage. It was her baby and even though you don't feel that it was a baby as such, let her know that you understand where she is coming from. When a woman miscarries, she can sometimes allow herself to take on a massive burden of guilt. She may think its her fault somehow, she did something wrong and she lost her precious baby. She may think her body rejected her baby. The idea of this could possibly what she's finding it hard to deal with. This is almost certainly not the case. Impress on her that it wasn't her fault, it wasn't anyones fault. Generally, encourage her to talk about it. Talking about it will help her in the long run. Also, I do believe that whats for you won't pass you by. It'll happen for ye.

Its great that you are being strong and supportive for her - when she starts to come to terms with it, she will be glad you were there and didn't retreat into yourself. She's angry, she's confused, and she's taking it out on you because you're the only other person in this with her. Also, tell her how you are feeling as honestly as possible. I would never say to her "I didn't think of it as a baby", but maybe try to convey that you feel the loss in a different way.

I hope ye have better news in the coming months though. You seem to love your girlfriend a lot, and its heartening to think that some day, you can be just as loving towards your own son or daughter The world needs more people like you!

Chinafoot

I can't really offer any better advice than has already been given but I would like to say, don't give up hope.

My aunt and uncle were trying to get pregnant for almost 7 years. They had a few failed attempts at IVF and had begun to look into adoption. Then my aunt found out she was pregnant. Unfortunately the battle wasnt over as my aunt was rushed to hospital when she was 5 months gone with what she thought was very bad gall stones. Turns out it was H.E.L.L.P. a very rare disease which put both her and the baby at risk. My aunt's liver was failing and the baby had to be removed by c-section 4 months premature. She could fit in the palm of my uncle's hand when she was born. Things were very much touch-and-go for a while but both my aunt and my cousin pulled through and she's a healthy, lively little girl now. Our miracle baby.

Be strong for your wife and support her in every way. But equally, let her know when you are hurting too. You want to make your wife happy and I'm sure she'd want to do the same for you so talk to her and let her know how you are feeling.

Best of luck with everything.

V1llianous

My wife also suffered a miscarriage at 8 weeks in February 2005.

She is now 39 weeks pregnant and due any day.

It is a devasting thing to go through for you both and you don't forget it. I still occasionally wonder what could have been even though we are nearly there with another pregnancy. I felt quite helpless at the time but nothing could be done.

It isn't much comfort but approx 20 % of first time pregnancies result in miscarriage as the body isn't quite ready and it is preparing itself. If it is not that it is a genetical abnormality that the foetus wouldn't survive in the outside world.

In fact a doctor told us (and we have proved them right) that you are at your most fertile for the three months after the miscarriage.

Do talk about it together ! - I didn't want to talk to my wife about it in case it upset her more but we needed to discuss it to walk through it.

Keep the chin up and all the best for the future. If you want to talk PM me.

hopeful dad

Hi all,

I thank you once more for ur well wishes last month the good new however is she was late again this month and she tested again this morning and its positive again :):)

Hopeful Dad
(Boards Regular but dont want to be identified just yet)

tbh

nice one! You've really made my day with that post, and I don't even know your username! All the best to ye both.

Kiera

Congrats

simu

Cool! That's great to hear!

ravenhead

that's brilliant,I'll be keeping my fingers(&everything else) crossed for the both of you, Keep us posted!

D

Congrats

CathyMoran

Really delighted for you

daiixi

congrats to you and your wife!

Hagar

I hope it goes well for you. A baby will help assuage the loss you suffered, it will never replace it, but it will fill the emptiness. It did for me and my wife many years ago.

Charis

Congrats will be thinking of you and praying! God blessed us with a beautiful little girl right after a miscarriage. She is now three! Take time to enjoy the next nine months!

Khannie

Very best of luck and heartiest congratulations. Delighted for you.

StupidLikeAFox

Congratulations!

congrats
may u have many happy years to come with bundles and bundles of kids