Friends drifting away

LegacyUser

Right, I was just wondering is anyone else out there in the same boat as me. I’m going on 22 and I’m starting to think I’m losing friends left, right and centre. I don’t mean losing as in falling out permanently. Just everyone seems to be drifting away and the gaps left aren’t being filled by new people. As opposed to meeting up say once a week, it could be once a month or even longer these days. And even then it’s a small showing compared to the past.

None of our positions have changed drastically in the last 3 years. We all mostly live in the same places and go to work or college in the same places. No one is in any serious relationship or has any sudden new commitments. Which is exactly why I’m worried that it is going to get even worse.

At this stage I’m down to a shrinking core of one or two people that I’d see regularly. So I’m pretty worried about losing them. I can’t just go down to the pound and pick up some new friends. So to anyone who knows what I’m talking about – is this just the depressing reality of growing old? Do I just have to accept a big slowing down in my social life? Anyone else have a similar experience?

Thanks for any thoughts/comments.

Mr E

Same thing has been happening to me over the last few years.

Don't let them get completely out of touch! Email them once a fortnight, keep in touch, find out how they are.

You have to get out and make new friends too. Its the merry-go-round of life... (deep or what?)

Hang in there.... don't let it get you down.

Sleepy

Think it happens to everyone at some point in their 20's, I know I certainly see a lot less of my friends than I used to.

DDLR

Yes, It has happened to me also, There was 15 of us that would hang out 24/7 for 5 year now since we all hit 20/21/22 etc we dont see each other much never mind hanging out!

I have my family now and some of them have thre own little familys i didnt know what to make of it so i did the same! I tryed to keep everyone togetter but they didnt want it bad enought so i walked! Iv not seen a few of them in months

So no youre not alone!

Flex

Exact same thing happened with me, and Im in my early 20's too.I had a MASSIVE circle of friends a few years ago, then after secondary school we saw less and less of each other as people went to other colleges or new jobs and friends i had who lived on my estate all went to other colleges or whatever. Got to the point were I only had 2 friends who i stayed in contact with regularly, but Iv just made new friends in college, or sports clubs and places where Iv worked part time. After college ill probably lose contact with some of these new friends, and make newer friends wherever I go to work.

[Jackass]

Unfirtunatly it happens to everyone in their early/mid 20's ... you'll find yourself with less friends and closer friendships...it has it's pro's and con's, but for the most part people mature, they don't want to get up to all the stuff you do in a big group...piss ups etc.

Don't worry though, people who are the right friends for eachother, interests etc. always drift into the same smaller groups (in my experience)

I keep in touch with a small group of school friends, a few college friends, a few ex-girlfriends, hang around with work mates and my circle of friends will probably be changing all the time depending on what im doing in my life!

But most of all, don't worry about it and just enjoy the friends you're close with.

simu

It's all part of growing up! You'll have to make more effort to keep in touch with them from now on - they won't just be around.

*Oul_Doll_Cork*

Yeah everyone changes as they get older! People just drift apart! For years I had a massive group of friends! A group of 15 girls and 13 guys! We grew up together from the whole playing skipping on the street to drinking down the alley!!! For the past year we have all been drifting apart very rapidly! (We are all around 20, 21, 22) It's a horrible feeling but it's just something that happens to everyone!
I'm sure you will still be friends, even if you don't see eachother a lot! At least when you do see eachother you will have so much more to talk about!

DawnMc

Oh my god, It's like you took the words right out of my mouth! This is happening to me too big time since college finished. A lot of people I've spoken to say they're in the same boat so fret not.

AngryBadger

yeah, finding this a lot lately too, it's just that time, everyone starts doing their own thing kinda. College is great, 'cause you can be playing at bein a grown up, but then as that begins to finish up people start moving off in different directions, there's a lot of tension, and stress there too, and it causes problems. No real solution, except like everyone else is saying, work at it, and the friends u feel u just don't gel with, well that sucks, but better to "downgrade" those friendships so to speak now, while you're still on speaking terms, rather than wind up falling out with good friends over what's ultimately just a crock of stress at a difficult time.

sillysquid

Same here! It's a relief (if that's the right word) to see other people in the same boat! At least we can all see that it's just a part of growing older.

I've been in situations where I can see a friendship changing before my eyes. Suddenly there are lulls in the conversation for the first time and things like that. This Xmas, I really noticed how few "friends" I have. There are people I could call up and meet or whatever, but ultimately I know that as we've grown older we've moved apart and don't have much in common anymore.

I think that's why so many people fret about finding someone to settle down with. As we get older, there is more of a focus on wanting someone to "come home to".

Also you never know what's around the corner. You could meet some great folks in your next job/course and end up being friends for life with a lot of them. Ah, the little wonders of life!

LegacyUser

It's upsetting me reading all the replies here as I'm in the exact same boat. Have done fook all over christmas with friends. christmas day had 3 friends over, and thats the most ive seen them in ages. they never do anything with me. oul doll cork, reading what u said about having 13 guy and 15 girl friends in your group makes me sad too as I never hung out in a group like that, it's the one thing I really wanted, but just never had the group. i think going to an all boys school is part of it. I'm 22ish and id love to have a group of 15 or so friends who I could hang out with, a group that there would always be someone around, a hang out, where there would always be a friend or two and you could join them and just hang out. i dont care if im "mature" i still want to just hang out, its so much better hanging out having a laugh with friends then sitting in a sh1tty night club with sh1tty music blasting not being able to have a conversation with the 1 or 2 people your there with.

i started college back in september, have met a few nice guys but dont know if im going to end up hanging out with anyone there. ive never had a female friend (ive had girlfriends) who i could just call to out of the blue either everything has to be so "mature" when your old. you know what's great, just sitting out on the kerb talking to a group of friends, but people our age don't do it. why not??

what can we do???

we should all get together and form a new group of friends:p

LegacyUser

DubGuy wrote:

my circle of friends will probably be changing all the time depending on what im doing in my life!

That's exactly what I think too. There's some friends I'd love to see more of, but because we're all in different individual situations, I don't.

dundalk cailin

i got a little depressed there when i got home at christmas cos my friends seemed to have moved on, gotten closer, and hadnt much time for me. its not exactly the same situation as i am doin an erasmus year so its only me thats moved away, but still its a shock to the system. suppose it sets me up for the age of 20/21/22

LegacyUser

dundalk cailin wrote:

i got a little depressed there when i got home at christmas cos my friends seemed to have moved on, gotten closer, and hadnt much time for me. its not exactly the same situation as i am doin an erasmus year so its only me thats moved away, but still its a shock to the system. suppose it sets me up for the age of 20/21/22

Coming home from Erasmus IS a shock to the system! Where are you?

LegacyUser

Me too... I was never a social person, in fact the bigger the group of people I was around the smaller I would feel. So I only really had 1-2 friends I hung around with in school. Now that I'm in college, it's even worse. Nobody wants to be "real" friends, people in my course just chat at break or whatever but never hang around outside of college. I really don't have much in common with them anyway. And those 1-2 friends I had are going to different colleges and I see them maybe once every few months. So at the moment I don't feel I have any friends and I think it's driving me crazy.

Christmas was the most boring, uneventful event in a long time. Even though my family were there I just felt empty inside from not having anyone my own age to talk to. New Years was worse. My mother, who is a single parent with very few friends and never goes out, went out and enoyed herself at some new years ball. I just sat at home, getting drunk and I dont even recall 12am passing. I want to kill myself.

wow sorry for the rant but it feels good to get it off my chest. So yeah, I'm in the same boat.

LegacyUser

Unreg878 wrote:

Right, I was just wondering is anyone else out there in the same boat as me. I’m going on 22 and I’m starting to think I’m losing friends left, right and centre. I don’t mean losing as in falling out permanently. Just everyone seems to be drifting away and the gaps left aren’t being filled by new people. As opposed to meeting up say once a week, it could be once a month or even longer these days. And even then it’s a small showing compared to the past.

None of our positions have changed drastically in the last 3 years. We all mostly live in the same places and go to work or college in the same places. No one is in any serious relationship or has any sudden new commitments. Which is exactly why I’m worried that it is going to get even worse.

At this stage I’m down to a shrinking core of one or two people that I’d see regularly. So I’m pretty worried about losing them. I can’t just go down to the pound and pick up some new friends. So to anyone who knows what I’m talking about – is this just the depressing reality of growing old? Do I just have to accept a big slowing down in my social life? Anyone else have a similar experience?

Thanks for any thoughts/comments.

I was going to take bits of your post, and selectively quote them, but the whole thing applies to me.

At my 21st, I was single, and I hired a GAA hall, capable of holding 200 people. I filled the place with friends and family, and not just 'friends of friends' or 'people I kinda know' but people I sociaslised with regularly.

Best night ever.

At my last birthday, and I had a joint celebration with 3 girls from college, and the only people who attended that night were also from college. Not one of my old friends showed. They all had various excuses, but ultimately, I guess that main reason was, we have drifted apart, and I just wasn't worth the effort.

It was a real eye opener.

The main reason, I guess, was that I got myself a BF and spent a lot of time with him, I also started a new college, and got really immersed in my course work, and the college social scene.
I just abandoned my 'old life' without even realising I was doing it.

My new years resolution (one of them) is to rekindle old friendships, because I do think they are worth it. I ditched them, not the other way around, and I plan to make ammends.

I am still in the same relationship, but I am very much aware now that it is a bad idea to cut your friends out of your life.

(I also realise how easy it is to do so without even meaning to, or realising your doing it)

ando

sillysausage wrote:

but I am very much aware now that it is a bad idea to cut your friends out of your life.

yea that should be drilled into children coming into 5th or 6th year, thats the time when the drifting (in my experiance) starts. Happened to me aswell, had a big group of friends, 15 aprox but we all drifted apart. Some went abroad never to be seen again, some moved and others interests changed as college came along. I only keep in good contact with 2 or 3 from that part of my life now. I've moved on myself aswell though which is just life

Megatron

Same thing has happened to me , as with most of the posters .

Was a group of about 9 of us , of which i keep in contact with 2.

Things came to ahead when i moved to away from Dublin, only those 2 kept in contact. Now don't get me wrong i tried to keep in contact with the rest, but they never really bothered ...

So when i did move back we all meet up for drinks and stuff for the 1st weekend , but after than they rest just went off doing whatever it is they do.


The only friends worth keeping are the ones that consider you a friend ... that's what i've learned anyway.

Mikros

Original poster here. Can't be bothered with unreg. Anyway, I must say its both comforting and shocking to see how many people can relate to this. I guess the only thing to take from it all is to value the friends you do have, and not to take them for granted. Probably stating the obvious there, but I never really appreciated it before. When I was younger there always seemed to be people about. Gotta love those first big group piss-ups. I never expected to see people drift apart so much while we’re still living in the same place.

But hey, its good to know I’m not alone in it. And knowing that, I think I can get a better perspective on it now. Thanks all.

nitrogen

I've no idea where I heard this. The average person will know about 300 people in their life, will continue to know maybe 30 for their entire adult life. Then you'd be doing lucky to count really close friends on one hand. True friends.

I'd agree with most here, it's part of growing up. I think most go through the same, especially after college. People do their own things. There's nothing worse than a flock of sheep all heading off to Oz together, staying together in a group because there're afraid to break free and think for themselves. An example would be Friends, a bunch of losers in their early 30s hanging around like school kids.

Friends come and go, except it. To quote Larry David, "I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough, because it's hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood." It's not all smooth sailing but try and see the humour in it.

Guys especially can be hopeless at keeping in touch regardless of the strength of their relationship. My advice is, always try and force yourself to make an effort. Emails and phone calls (Very important to hear a voice from time to time) if you're both in separate countries.

dundalk cailin

Unreg06 wrote:

Coming home from Erasmus IS a shock to the system! Where are you?

france
got me really down bout coming back (im back now) cos this time im away for 6 months.
i guess in summer ill be a lot more mature than the girl who left in september, i reckon ill lose contact with some of my friends, but the ones who are real friends will stay, if not im sure i will move on and make new friends. ill not let it get to me too much while im actually here on the year abroad

Selik

I've been travelling the world since April last year and I'm currently in Australia. I can definitely relate to what some peeps have said in this post. The only person I actually speak to on the phone from home is my mother occasionally. I'm in contact with one or two peeps through texting but that's it. To be honest it doesn't really bother me as I know when I'm home I'll see everyone and it will be like I was never away (I hope anyway). One of my best mates from home is by his own admission shocking at keeping in long distance contact with people and this has bourne out to be true. I'm not much better myself these days to be honest. I'm made some good friends travelling as well and I'm sure I'll see one or two of them in the future again after I return home.

My 2 cent anyway.