Why do men cheat?

quacker

I have just found out that my boyfriend of over four years had an affair while we were on a break recently, now we are on more than a break and I am torn with what to do? Advice anyone - please.

toffeapple

you said you were on a break? maybe he just wanted something different after 4 years.....its hardly cheating if you were on a break....as far as men cheating they hardly do it on their own do they? so ovibously women cheat as well

ARGINITE

Depends on how you feel about him and if you think you can work through this.
If you love, think you can work through this and think you will be able to trust him again, then try and work things out.
If the answer to any of the above is no or he has done this more than once, then get rid of him.

quacker

I know we were on a break I accept that but now he wants me to forgive him and make a go of 'us' but I don't know if I can

county

who suggested the break in the first place?

meditraitor

He want you to forgive him? for being with someone else when you's were on a break!
Bit of Jessy this lad of yours. Move on,

Firewalkwithme

It's not really an affair if you were on a break is it? You might feel like you were cheated on but by the sounds of things you weren't.

g'em

toffeapple wrote:

you said you were on a break? maybe he just wanted something different after 4 years.....its hardly cheating if you were on a break....

have to agree with this. If you guys were 'on a break' he probably used the opportunity to see what else is out there, or maybe he was just horny and didn't think anything of it as you were technically not together.

If you stipulated that there was to be no romantic involvement with anyone else during the 'break' then its a trust thing. can you trust him? do you want to trust him?

but if it was a true break I can't see a reason why he wouldn't go out and sample some of the other apples on offer in the orchard..

AngryBadger

well if you were on a breka, isn't the whole point of being on a break to see how you both feel, maybe put your toes in the water, and see what comes out of it.

What's really happening is you wonder if the fact that he was with someone else means he wants to be with other people and not you in the long term. That's a tough question, but you need to ask him that. WHat you want is someone to say all men are complete bastards, and how dare he, but the reality is you were on a break, you obviously felt that he would come back loving you more than before, but he actually went off and, (it seems to you), entertained himself with some other woman. So now as I've said, you're wondering does he want to be with you? If he does want to be with you, is it just an "entertainment" thing, or is it as serious for him as it is, (presumably), for you?

Theres no easy way to get the answers to these questions, sorry, it sucks to be in that positon, but you need to say this to him, and then make some tough decisions.

g'em

quacker wrote:

I know we were on a break I accept that but now he wants me to forgive him and make a go of 'us' but I don't know if I can

well we can't answer that one for ya honey...

quacker

he suggested the break as we were not getting on well

Beruthiel

you can hardly call it cheating if ye were on a break.
whither you take him back now is entirely up to you, certainly nobody here can tell you that

soundman_1

The best way to get over somebody is to get under someone else!! now your back on a break do the same to him and see how he feels

rubadub

quacker wrote:

had an affair while we were on a break recently

sort of an oxymoronic statement.
whats your definition of break?

toffeapple

soundman_1 wrote:

The best way to get over somebody is to get under someone else!! now your back on a break do the same to him and see how he feels

best advice go out and get yourself laid ..properly... by someone else and see how you feel..what age are you?

akw_old

get back with him, and then someone else!!

only messing, in all fairness if you were on a break, tough ****. cant hold that against him. could've been the other way around, and he may not have had a problem taking you back.

Kiera

quacker wrote:

I know we were on a break I accept that but now he wants me to forgive him and make a go of 'us' but I don't know if I can

Whats to “forgive”? You were on a break! This happened to me and I really didn’t think it was a big deal. He wasn’t with me so he could do what he liked, same went with me being with other guys too. Its not like he cheated on you. Forget it and move on.

the Guru

quacker wrote:

I have just found out that my boyfriend of over four years had an affair while we were on a break recently, now we are on more than a break and I am torn with what to do? Advice anyone - please.

you were on a break so what ........ deal with it you broke up he moved on , what ? do you want to break up with him and expect him to stay loyal to you , I don't think so

alfa147

as a bloke the hardest thing todo is not cheat when ur in a relationship all that time.. no lad and i mean NO lad wants to be tied down from the ages of 18-25.

i think it has alot to do with the fact u see all ur mates scoring and having new girls in and out of bed all the time. it gets annoying after awhile...

i find it amazing the amount of my friends with longterm gf's(who are totally "in love") find themselves going home with girls on one night stands.:rolleyes:

quacker

He wanted time out to see how he felt as we were not getting on well, we did not really discuss the terms of the break i.e. if it left us free to be with other people in hindsight maybe we should have.

PowerHouseDan

Thats a Very General and Very Untrue Fact.

alfa147 wrote:

as a bloke the hardest thing todo is not cheat when ur in a relationship all that time.. no lad and i mean NO lad wants to be tied down from the ages of 18-25.

i think it has alot to do with the fact u see all ur mates scoring and having new girls in and out of bed all the time. it gets annoying after awhile...

i find it amazing the amount of my friends with longterm gf's(who are totally "in love") find themselves going home with girls on one night stands.:rolleyes:

quacker

31 . . . too old for this crap

quacker

And have things worked out for you?

BoozyBabe

Yes, they were on a break, so it's not cheating, so she has nothing to complain about, but it can be a very hurtful thing to deal with all the same.

My situ was slightly different, but hurtful all the same. Have an ex from many many years ago. We went out for 4 years & loved each other very much.
He had problems in the bedroom department & couldn't keep it up for V long, in fact it'd go limp while putting on a condom & that would be the end of our bit of passion. I asked him a few times to consider going to get himself checked out as he was young & it shouldn't be happening, he wouldn't & said I'd just have to live with it.
I did for a while & eventually things ended between us. (Not even a break, I had called an end to it)
I then found out that he'd went to the doc barely a week later, got himself on viagra, went out & shagged the 1st thing he found.
It was very very hurtful, even though I had ended it with him.

Though the op's bf has nothing to feel guilty about, it's still a hurtful thing to think of someone you've spent so much time with to be with someone else

Third_Echelon

"We were on a break!!!!!!"

I can understand how Ross felt! You were on a break. No commitment between the two of you. He did nothing wrong.

Firewalkwithme

quacker wrote:

He wanted time out to see how he felt as we were not getting on well, we did not really discuss the terms of the break i.e. if it left us free to be with other people in hindsight maybe we should have.

Sounds like he thought the terms were pretty clear don't you think?

AngryBadger

quacker wrote:

He wanted time out to see how he felt as we were not getting on well, we did not really discuss the terms of the break i.e. if it left us free to be with other people in hindsight maybe we should have.

Seems to me you feel betrayed by him seeing someone else while you were on a break. isn't that the real issue here? Whereas you seem to be focusing on finding something wrong with him, which is understandable. But what's more realistic is that after 4 years, and with the two of you having problems, he got a touch of wanderlust, when ye were on a break he indulged it, but after that he feels that you're the one he wants to be with.

While it's not the nicest thing in the world, you can't really fault him, no matter how much you want to. the real question whether you're willing to take him back with all the doubts this has now brought to the surface. And no-one on here can answer that question for you.

quacker

I know, you are right. I have told him to get lost and be with her, but he doesn't want her. He wants us now forever, I do feel that in someways I pushed him as we were have problems and our sex life had really suffered which I really feel pushes couples apart. I do love him though, my heart is breaking.

Firewalkwithme

quacker wrote:

I know, you are right. I have told him to get lost and be with her, but he doesn't want her. He wants us now forever, I do feel that in someways I pushed him as we were have problems and our sex life had really suffered which I really feel pushes couples apart. I do love him though, my heart is breaking.

Just make up your mind!! Is it any wonder you were having problems and appear to be continuing to have problems when you behave like this?

akw_old

alfa147 wrote:

as a bloke the hardest thing todo is not cheat when ur in a relationship all that time.. no lad and i mean NO lad wants to be tied down from the ages of 18-25.

i think it has alot to do with the fact u see all ur mates scoring and having new girls in and out of bed all the time. it gets annoying after awhile...

i find it amazing the amount of my friends with longterm gf's(who are totally "in love") find themselves going home with girls on one night stands.:rolleyes:

what a load of ****e. sorry but i have never cheated on any girl i've been with and dont think i ever will. do a bit of window shopping, thats bout it. i know people who have long term g/f's and cheat, thats their business. cant generalise all blokes from ages 18-25, thats what insurance companies are for

akw_old

Despatch wrote:

Just make up your mind!! Is it any wonder you were having problems and appear to be continuing to have problems when you behave like this?

slightly harsh there mate, calm down

AngryBadger

quacker wrote:

I know, you are right. I have told him to get lost and be with her, but he doesn't want her. He wants us now forever, I do feel that in someways I pushed him as we were have problems and our sex life had really suffered which I really feel pushes couples apart. I do love him though, my heart is breaking.

Ok, that really sucks. Sorry to hear that. But all the stuff you're feeling, it really doesn't exist. If I may, and feel free to bawl me out of it at any juncture here,

You feel:
He should have been totaly lost without you.
He shouldn't have even felt the need to look at another woman, and if he ever did it should only have reminded him of how much he missed you.
He went and met up with someone else, so first you feel he's a ****er, and how dare he, but that's really overshadowed by the fact that oyu're wondering what's wrong with you, or what did you do wrong that this hapened.

The reality is, people hit pot holes now and then. life is stressful, there are all kinds of problems,and issues going on in the backs of our minds that we arent even aware of.

The only way to move on from here it to remember that by now,

You've emotionally pistol whipped him by telling him to shove off, so at the moment he's feeling exactly the same way you are. He's feeling that he ****ed things up, and has no idea how to mend it.

I'd say give him a call. Say all this to him, try not to rage at him because of how you're feeling. and just see where it goes, i think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

PS. This may involve crying, some of it done by himself

AngryBadger

akw wrote:

slightly harsh there mate, calm down

Second that, also "Hottie ville" lol

alfa147

PowerHouseDan wrote:

Thats a Very General and Very Untrue Fact.

is it really though.. ive been around the mill now a fair few times and its happan again and again with people i know.. always ends the same way. ive done my time in long term relationships and not many last past 4 years between the age group i mentioned.

azezil

Ever hear the expression "love untested isn't true love at all"?

He was curious, you've been together 4 years, so he met someone else while you on a break, and he now knows for certain he wants you

akw_old

azezil wrote:

Ever hear the expression "love untested isn't true love at all"?

He was curious, you've been together 4 years, so he met someone else while you on a break, and he now knows for certain he wants you

probably true

quacker

Thanks for this, its sweet and very true. We both cried alot over the last few days as its all very recent and raw. One thing that gets me is that she slept in his bed (the bed we have shared for nearly four years - however we don't live together), is this forgiveable, I don't know I've never been in this situation before - hence the need for your advice and help?!

Firewalkwithme

akw wrote:

slightly harsh there mate, calm down

Sorry, I was going for the Short Sharp Shock effect there. You know, sometimes people just need to break things down to basics instead of analysing problems to death. You just end up second guessing yourself all the time if you over do it.

azezil

As you said it is a bit soon after the event, feelings running high, just take it easy for a while, if you truely love each other it'll work itself out.



god i'm in such a soppy mood today lol

toffeapple

quacker wrote:

Thanks for this, its sweet and very true. We both cried alot over the last few days as its all very recent and raw. One thing that gets me is that she slept in his bed (the bed we have shared for nearly four years - however we don't live together), is this forgiveable, I don't know I've never been in this situation before - hence the need for your advice and help?!

f*ckin get over it love...count your self lucky your still with him go home jump his bones get on with your life forget about it...he still wants you after being with someone else..good sign...you should probably make him brekfast for the next couple of moonths and iron his shirts just to be sure he doesnt run away again..and if that fails bl*w jobs on the hour should see him right.

akw_old

AngryBadger wrote:

also "Hottie ville" lol

first one to say anything. no laughing matter, that where they put people like me and derek zoolander. there must be more to life than being really really ridiculously good looking

AngryBadger

akw wrote:

there must be more to life than being really really ridiculously good looking

We can only hope!

AngryBadger

toffeapple wrote:

f*ckin get over it love...count your self lucky your still with him go home jump his bones get on with your life forget about it...he still wants you after being with someone else..good sign...you should probably make him brekfast for the next couple of moonths and iron his shirts just to be sure he doesnt run away again..and if that fails bl*w jobs on the hour should see him right.

Would one of the mods just ban this guy already? this is the 6/7th posting TODAY i've read where he's just giving someone abuse

Sarah**

I think he's funny!! Let him stay he lightens the situations!! I've gotten abuse of him today but its all good! He's allowed to voice his opinion!!

toffeapple

how is that abuse? where are the other 6/7 posts you talk about??

opinions are like ar*eholes ..everyone has got one no matter how clean or dirty..sorry if you dont like my language but its hardly abuse

toffeapple

its only a bit of banter............but ban me if you like i couldnt give a fiddlers w*nk

ianmc38

I'm getting flashbacks of an episode of Friends - "WE WERE ON A BREAK"

AngryBadger

As you say everyone's entitled to their opinion, and I'm all abnout the banter, but there's a line, and my opinion is that a lot of what you're posting strays onto the "abuse" side of the line.

But then I'm only one guy.....

toffeapple

AngryBadger wrote:

As you say everyone's entitled to their opinion, and I'm all abnout the banter, but there's a line, and my opinion is that a lot of what you're posting strays onto the "abuse" side of the line.

But then I'm only one guy.....

yeah maybe im not the most sensistive bloke when it comes to advice but im just telling it how it is..how i think it is.

akw_old

AngryBadger wrote:

As you say everyone's entitled to their opinion, and I'm all abnout the banter, but there's a line, and my opinion is that a lot of what you're posting strays onto the "abuse" side of the line.

But then I'm only one guy.....

"I'm only one guy in a world of forum abuse. my secret weapon is the LINE"

AngryBadger

akw wrote:

"I'm only one guy in a world of forum abuse. my secret weapon is the LINE"

you know I once shot a rocket full of racoon into space....crazy fury little bastards never knew what hit 'em, but they cam sure knew where the line was!