Has my girlfriend a heart of stone

LegacyUser

The history: Living with my girlfriend for a year, she moves back to her home country and have been doing the whole long distance thing for a few months now.
Anyway, things havent been great lately and she said last night if i dont move over within the year she will break up with men as the distance is too hard..
This doesnt sound like she really loves me in the first place. Should i feel hurt as i do or is she being sensible and clear headed?

casanova_kid

what men?

Mr Magnolia

casanova_kid wrote:

what men?

I'm sure he meant 'me'.

OP, it could be an empty threat, maybe she's just desperate to have you closer to her.

LegacyUser

sorry "me".

Anyway, because yis dont know any great details of my relationship, basically im asking: If your Girlfriend/boyfriend asks you to move to their home country and make all that effort but then say if you dont they will breakup, is this cold and calculated

Hagar

edit Not very helpful really

SexeeAussie

I agree with Sparks400, she is probably really frustrated with the distance and is just venting her feelings in that way.

I guess it all depends on a few things, such as how long you have been in a relationship, how old you two are, how far you have to move to be with her etc and how commited you both are.

Maybe she is looking for reassurance that you are not playing around, or she may be looking for a commitment from you.

Long distance is tough.......I believe it can work out for the best if you are both on the same wavelength and both trying to achieve mutual goals.

Goodluck!

dbnavan

Long distance relationships can be hard, my wife was from a different country eventually we decided on of us would have to move, so she came here. To be honest not sure how far the relationship would have gone if we saw each other on couple of times a year, we new it would eventually have to happen so why not sooner then later, lifes to short.

seamus

As said, I'd say she's just lonely and misses you. It can get very frustrating, and she's probably unhappy so she only sees two possible courses of action to make herself happier;
1. You move over to her
2. She breaks up with you (hence removing the cause of her "missing you").

The problem is that she has passed her problem onto you to deal with, she's refusing to take responsibility for her own happiness. It's a lousy and wrong ultimatum to give, but she's probably not 100% thinking straight about it.
Is there any reason why she can't move over to you?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. Well, we were living together in ireland for a year. She moved back home and ive been heading over to her every couple of weeks. She cant come over here as much as she likes because of flight times and college. Anyway, we both trust each other and are both commited. In fact last night on the phone we were talking about me moving over there in 3 months, as we have talked many times before. She knows im willing to make the effort and i know she genuinely wants me to move over. But then she goes and says if i dont move over she cant continue on the relationship. I asked her if she really means this and she said yes. Its the second time she has said this to me and it piss*s me off. She knows im gonna make a go of it but just knowing that she could switch off like that if things werent easy wrecks my head. How can you say you love someone but then sound so cold hearted about it. Im stressed out enough as it is because im making all the effort

Mr Magnolia

Delights wrote:

How can you say you love someone but then sound so cold hearted about it.

You need to make this point to her (if you haven't already), and see what her response is.

LegacyUser

Sparks400 wrote:

You need to make this point to her (if you haven't already), and see what her response is.

Believe me buddy i have. She says she is just being honest with me and thats the way she feels.

i dont wanna sound like a moany Sh*t who cant work out things on my own. I just need other peoples perstpective on whats going on as my heart is too close to everything

SexeeAussie

She is testing you........it may not be calculated, but she is testing you to see if you are willing to take that next step...

(I can understand your stress tho. You have everything to lose if it all goes pear shaped)

akw_old

tell her to **** off. see what she says. she probably wants to stay with you and wont like it when you dont fall at her feet. call her bluff!!

honestly, if she is willing to throw it away cos you find it hard to leave your home, family and friends for her then thats ****! i suppose she has refused to live here?

Mr Magnolia

You are going to have to make a couple of decisions my friend.

Best of luck with them.

LegacyUser

Hey Aussie and Co. She really does believe me that i am planning to move in three months. I started a linguaphone course and am currently saving to pay off loans that are keeping me here.
It just hurts to think she could turn her back on me even when she isnt prepared to make the same effort i am. I was totally behind her move back home and i want to support her with her college. At the beginning we were going halves on the flight tickets but the last three flights i have paid for myself because i know she cant afford it. I realize that in these situtations one person always has to make the decision and im more than happy to give it a try but not for someone with her attitude. You either love someone or you dont

AngryBadger

I can understand why she'd be feeling like this, however this kind of response is unfair. Sure, she's feeling lonely and all that, but it's no different for you, and this kind of response smacks of someone who is only out for number 1. Ultimatums are generally very one-sided, and this is no different.

That said I don't know the background of your relationship, you say it's a very strong one, and that ye lived together for a year. If that's the case then why would she pull this kind of crap?

seamus

My advice is to not see it as a permanent move. Let her know that too. Give yourself six months; However much you're in love with this girl, you may still be miserable in her country. I'd say six months to a year is about enough time to get used to the place and make a proper decision on whether you're happy there or not.

Not viewing it as a permanent move may also subconciously make it easier to deal with the transition. If it was me, I'd be very clear with myself and my girlfriend that you're going for a trial period, not for the rest of your life.

LegacyUser

AngryBadger wrote:

I can understand why she'd be feeling like this, however this kind of response is unfair. Sure, she's feeling lonely and all that, but it's no different for you, and this kind of response smacks of someone who is only out for number 1. Ultimatums are generally very one-sided, and this is no different.

That said I don't know the background of your relationship, you say it's a very strong one, and that ye lived together for a year. If that's the case then why would she pull this kind of crap?

Thats my point. Why would she pull this kind of Crap.

A) there was no need to say it, im in the process of planning to move
If she says she really loves me, why say this. At least be honest about it and tell me that im not somebody who is worth all this trouble. Dont give me this "Life is too painful without you crap" If thats the case, why break up with me :-(

LegacyUser

seamus wrote:

My advice is to not see it as a permanent move. Let her know that too. Give yourself six months; However much you're in love with this girl, you may still be miserable in her country. I'd say six months to a year is about enough time to get used to the place and make a proper decision on whether you're happy there or not.

Not viewing it as a permanent move may also subconciously make it easier to deal with the transition. If it was me, I'd be very clear with myself and my girlfriend that you're going for a trial period, not for the rest of your life.

Hey Seamus, thanks for the replies. This is how i was seeing things. Sure in any relationship the future is not 100% certain. I was gonna move over and see how things were. She doesnt live on the other side of the world, just 1 hour 30mins flying time away.

SexeeAussie

I know this may seem irrelevant, but how old are you two??

LegacyUser

both mid 20's. Can i ask why you asked

Sleepy

She sounds like a smart girl tbh.

LegacyUser

Sleepy wrote:

She sounds like a smart girl tbh.

maybe you can you ellaborate

Beruthiel

Delights wrote:

maybe you can you ellaborate

smart, because she knows a long distance relationship won't work out for her in the long run.
you say that she has moved and lived with you, but had to go back home because she has not finished college, if that is the case and you are free to move to her, why wouldn't you if you wish this relationship to work? She is probably thinking this and it's a fair point.
I personally would not get involved in a long term, long distance relationship, it may work for others, but it wouldn't for me and I know that about myself, perhaps she does too.

LegacyUser

well, she didnt move to live with me. She was in ireland for 2 years and i met her here. I never forced her to fall in love with me, i never forced her to say it to me constantly and make plans together. How is it fair for her to tell me she loves me but will end the relationship if i dont move over to suit her. Surely she cant mean "love"
Whats crazy is that i am prepared to move over, i dont think there is anything unfair about this. What i have a problem with is doing this for someone who doesnt care.

As ive said, the reason im talking about this here is to get other peoples point of view so all opinions are welcome and help

LUNA...

I have to say to you "Delights" if I was in her position I would be asking myself what has taken you so long to move over. At the end of the day she is finishing collage and so had to move back. If you really love her there should be no question of wheather or not you move. You just do it. Nothing is forever, if it doesn't work out, you move back and learn from the experiance. Look at it this way, you could be dead tomorrow !!

seamus

LUNA... wrote:

If you really love her there should be no question of wheather or not you move. You just do it.

Of course there's a question of it. You can be all doey-eyed and sentimental about love if you like, but "all you need is love" doesn't always float. What if he has a very good job or a business over here, and the prospects over there aren't as good as over here? What if he's miserable over there - she'd be his only friend, he couldn't just ring up the lads on a Saturday and go out for a few beers?

Some people have the ability to just up and leave and move to a different country thinking "sure what the hey". The rest of us don't.

LegacyUser

well Luna, she didnt go over to finish college, she went over to start. Not that that makes a bit of a difference.
She went home to follow her choices, i had to stay here for practical reasons. As i have said before, i am more than willing to move over as soon as i can. I owe the bank here a bit of money you see.

AngryBadger

really it's crunch time. Whether you like it or not, she want you to **** or get off the pot as it were. Seems a bit unfair to me, since you both have your own lives, and for one to just expect the other to move at the drop of a hat is unfair.

That said, in situations like these, knowing the ful background is impossible. but if it were me, I'd be saying maybe it's time we went our seperate ways, because, for whatever reasons, neither of you is in a position to move at the minute.

LUNA...

seamus wrote:

Of course there's a question of it. You can be all doey-eyed and sentimental about love if you like, but "all you need is love" doesn't always float. What if he has a very good job or a business over here, and the prospects over there aren't as good as over here? What if he's miserable over there - she'd be his only friend, he couldn't just ring up the lads on a Saturday and go out for a few beers?

Some people have the ability to just up and leave and move to a different country thinking "sure what the hey". The rest of us don't.

The point I'm making Seamus is just that. He has to figure out if he really Loves her or if it's just as you say "doey-eyed sentimentality" And not being able to take the finallity of breaking up.

D. Apoligies for my mistake about her finishing collage, I was under the impression that thats why she had to go back. If it's a case that you feel like your giving more than she is, then that's a different thing. Ask yourself this, would she do the same for you in these circumstances ?? I'd be hoping that the answer to that is Yes. But if it's no, then you have to decide if you'll be happy in a relationship with someone that isn't able to make the same sacrifices for you as you have for them. At the end of the day whatever decision you make is going to be hard one way or another. I hope it turns out well for you whatever you decide.

Heyes

Delights wrote:

sorry "me".

Anyway, because yis dont know any great details of my relationship, basically im asking: If your Girlfriend/boyfriend asks you to move to their home country and make all that effort but then say if you dont they will breakup, is this cold and calculated

I have nt read all the other posts, but i think its something that you both need to discuss, its not very fair that there is only one way and its her way.. could you maybe move over there for a little while with the plans for you both to move back here , or would she move over here at all ?
I dont think its fair that you are been given one option, I think you both need to discuss it , and also discuss how you both feel about each other, and if you see this more long term that short term.

LegacyUser

hey heyes, ive mentioned that i am more than happy to move over as soon as i can. i dont think its unfair either for my girlfriend to ask me to do this. My girlfriend has started college and i am just working in a job to pay off bank loans. Its not the thought of moving over that pisses me off, its her attitude. The fact that she says she loves me and asks me to make the move but then says she could break up with me and walk away if i dont. The two things just dont add up to me. As i have said though, i may be blind to all logic as i have my Heart glasses on.

Beruthiel

Delights wrote:

The fact that she says she loves me and asks me to make the move but then says she could break up with me and walk away if i dont. The two things just dont add up to me..

have you said this to her or talked to her about it?
My b/f is french, he has extremely good english, yet still I can misunderstand him sometimes.
Be sure she is saying what you think she is saying

skinner75

Tell her to go and ****e. Better off without all the hassle at the end of the day. More fish in the sea, blah blah blah... Try avoiding foreigners in the future perhaps?

delights wrote:

well, she didnt move to live with me. She was in ireland for 2 years and i met her here. I never forced her to fall in love with me, i never forced her to say it to me constantly and make plans together. How is it fair for her to tell me she loves me but will end the relationship if i dont move over to suit her. Surely she cant mean "love"
Whats crazy is that i am prepared to move over, i dont think there is anything unfair about this. What i have a problem with is doing this for someone who doesnt care.

As ive said, the reason im talking about this here is to get other peoples point of view so all opinions are welcome and help

AngryBadger

skinner75 wrote:

Tell her to go and ****e. Better off without all the hassle at the end of the day. More fish in the sea, blah blah blah... Try avoiding foreigners in the future perhaps?

LUNA...

Delights wrote:

The fact that she says she loves me and asks me to make the move but then says she could break up with me and walk away if i dont. The two things just dont add up to me. As i have said though, i may be blind to all logic as i have my Heart glasses on.

From what I can tell you both seem to be looking at this in different ways. You seem to be looking at it as you say with your "Heart glasses on" and she seems to be looking at it from a logical point of view. I know it may seem cold hearted of her to say what she did. But maybe she was just a little frustrated with the situation and said it in the heat of the moment. Christmas and New Year are hard at the best of times. Trying to juggle this and a long distance relationship will make things even harder. Talk to her again and see if she still feels the same about the situation.

the Guru

I recently moved to the states for my GF she works over here, its very hard to do it as you leave you friends and family behind, and you get very bored very easy when you don't know many people, But I have made the greatest decision as we love each other and I know I will have a good life here.

I know for the both of us it was very hard lots of travelling and the money spent on calls etc.... and I could only come across once a month and same for her , sometimes we would meet in other country's to spice things up instead of meeting in Dublin or the states .

I say if you can see a future and there are good opportunities in the county your are moving too go for it but I wouldn't be pressurised nor blackmailed as in if you don't come I'm dumping you this is not a good basis for a relationship.

Millie1

You know what...been there, done that....and I hope I don't sound too cynical but distance relationships never work.....If you ask me she probably really loves you and wants you near her...but knows that this is not going to work once you are apart.....its something that you know in your heart....I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship but unless there is a valid reason why she can't come back...you need to talk to her about it and decide if this relationship is worth moving your life......Good Luck!

chump

I think she's just telling you that it's crunch time, and you're taking offense to it.

You're obviously more of a romantacist in believing that if 2 people love each other, distance and time apart may happen, but ultimatums won't.

She's obviously more a realist and realises people can and do fall in and out of love, and while she loves you now she doesn't want to hang around for years waiting for you both to be together when things could crumble and fall apart maybe as soon as you do get together and she'll have wasted all that time. Plus she may like the oportunity to fall in love with someone else, in a more practical setting.

And tbh if she's following her dream (career path, whatever) and you're working a 9-2-5 to pay loans why can't you just uppit and move to where she is?
So in that respect I think she does have the call in that it should be you who moves!

neacy69

if you want to move then move if you don't then break up with her and have done with it...simple as:rolleyes:

SexeeAussie

I only asked the question about your age, as I thought you may be a lot younger and perhaps it was your 'first' love etc.

I disagree with the above posters that suggest long distance relationships never work. I agree that if the distance was a permanent thing, of course it wouldn't work, but in a situation such as this one, where someone is prepared to move to be with the other one, there is always a chance it can work out.

I don't think anyone is saying it's an easy time...in fact it isn't easy at all. But as I have said previously, if you both want the same things...want to be with each other....etc it CAN work.