Would you be hurt?

Chrissy

Ok, I'm probably making something out of nothing, but I have to get this off my chest.

I'm in a relatively new relationship with my bf (less than 6 months) but we've been good friends for a long time.
We're very happy & very much in love,

Aside:- I'm not an ugly girl & there's nothing major wrong with my body (I regularly get chatted up when I'm at the bar) but I'm definitely not going to be the prettiest or the hottest girl in the bar / club on any given night. This is not a problem for me. My bf never compliments me, he's very affectionate though so again, that is not something I get hung up on as I've more confidence than to be worried about something like that. Like I've said, we've been friends a long time & he never struck me as the type of person to give compliments anyway.

BUT (there's always a but!!!)

Over the weekend we were chatting, telling each other how happy & content we both are with each other & the like & he told me the story of what his friend said to him a few weeks earlier.
Basically, the friend had said to him:- 'Do you remember your ex Betty (for purposes of this story)?' 'You're so much better off with Chrissy than you were with her' My bf was taken aback by his friends comment so wanted to explain to me the significance of his friends comment, so he went on to explain that:

Betty is an absolute stunner (something he repeated in so many words quite a few times) & that without trying to offend me, she's definitely a lot better looking than I am. (Thus why he was amazed at his friend's comment)

He also explained though that the more time he spent with Betty, the less he liked her as a person.

At the time, I laughed it off, told him jokingly that he was digging a bit of a hole for himself so he'd be best to quit while he was ahead etc, & then forgot about it for the rest of the weekend.

While I was on my own last night though it started to get to me. Am I being stupid? How would you feel? I know he didn't say it to hurt me, but it is hurting a bit.
Like I said, I know I'm not the best looking girl in the world, but I don't like my bf pointing out that he's had far prettier than me (I don't mind thinking, without confirmation that he has, I just don't like him pointing it out to me)
Because our friendship is so good & we get on so well, I'm afraid that he's just settling for me, when it's now Very obvious that he can get & has got better. (I asked him out, not the other way around, so I guess that's another reason why it got to me a bit, maybe he'd never have pursued me as I'm not 'hot' in his eyes)
We're pretty passionate, but is that just because he loves me, & not really because he 'fancies' me?
Does he not compliment me because he doesn't see anything to compliment?

I'm sure to any other girl, my bf is just an average guy with a nice smile & personality, but to me, I can 100% say that on any given night out, he is the sexiest man there in my eyes, but he obviously doesn't feel the same way

To me, that nearly feels like me telling him that while he's quite enjoyable in bed, my ex was mind-blowingly amazing but I prefer him!!! (While that might be me giving him a real compliment, there’s no way he wouldn’t be hurt over such a statement)

Am I over-reacting?
Guys:- can you put yourselves in his position & tell me what you'd have been trying to say if it was you?
Girls- can you tell me how you'd react if your bf said that to you?

While I know he loves me to bits & loves my company (& even talks about our future together (we're mid-20's)), this is still getting to me a bit. I haven't let him know this, basically I'm hoping you'll tell me to cop on, or that it was a little insensitive or whatever

Sorry for the very long post.:(

Otacon

You have a partner who loves you and who was trying to compliment you in a weird way that didn't turn out the best... that's it really.

All you have to ask yourself is: with all the women in the world who are much prettier than me, who is he in love with?

Nalz

Otacon wrote:

You have a partner who loves you and who was trying to compliment you in a weird way that didn't turn out the best... that's it really.

All you have to ask yourself is: with all the women in the world who are much prettier than me, who is he in love with?

Had a fairly long reply written out but im scrappin it and second your reply. well put. youve nothing to worry bout really

Lux23

I would be hurt by that. But I also think that you shouldn't dwell too much on his physical attraction to you. He obviously has feelings for you and maybe him saying all this was a clumsy attempt of showing how much he cares for you. He wouldn't be with you if he didn't fancy you and there is obviously more to your realtionship that just physical attraction.

Nalz

Question:

how long was he with Betty?

was she his "first love"?

Genghis

I'd say that you are just a little unsure of your new love.

I had a recent experience myself.

I too am with my gf about 6 months. When we started going out, she told me that she had stayed with her previous bf for about 5 months, even though she knew in her heart he wasn't right. For a start, she said, he was too short and a little to plump for her. Besides that they never properly gelled and she had to end it.

Well, guess what? We are at a function over Christmas and he is there. In my eyes he is about as tall as I am (there might be 1-2 inches in it, and I think I could be shorter) and he is skinnier than me.

****, I thought - she doesn't really fancy me then.

So I asked her. I was completely wrong. She explained that she really loves me (without having to try) and never wanted to change me (even though she admitted that she wouldn't naturally go for my type); with her previous bf, she really tried to love him (And couldn't) and always wanted to change him.

So the point is this. In the overall sense, your bf loves you (and loves you more the more he gets to know you) - and what's more, his mate noticed. With his previous gf he liked one aspect of her (initially), but couldn't love anything else (in fact he found he disliked her more as time went on).

Why don't you ask him? I bet he won't disappoint you.

Loomis

Naturally if he says his last girlfriend was better looking it's gonna hurt.Honestly I don't think hurt is the right word though.You basically feel bad because like you said you know "he can have better and has done" and think he could be "just settling" for you.
I totally get why it's bother you.I know it would if my girlfriend said it to me.But I'd try,as hard as it would be, to detach yourself from it.Think of it in terms of...sure Angelina Jolie is hot.But your boyfriend doesn't love her.Why?Because he doesn't know her.He loves you-the person.Not a face.Or body.And if he were the kind who'd leave you "cause he can have better" then you deserve more than a shallow **** like that.
Then you can say-well Angelina Jolie is one thing.But a girl he can meet in a bar is different.And it is.But then you just have to think that they broke up.He's with you.A pretty face doesn't make up for other short-comings.And if it did,again,that'd be down to shallowness on his part.
Since he's with you and told you that ye the last girl may have a prettier face but you're the prettier person he's not that guy.Perhaps just not the best at giving compliments;which may be part of the reason why you don't get them much from him.

Tobias Greeshman

Chrissy wrote:

He also explained though that the more time he spent with Betty, the less he liked her as a person.

There's a bit of a compliment here, I think. The way I'm reading it he was trying to get at is that his ex was a stunner and over time her good looks weren't enough and started to dislike her as a person. Sounds like he's trying to tell you he likes you for everything his ex was lacking.

Jeez this guy really should think before he speaks.

Chrissy

Trilla wrote:

Question:

how long was he with Betty?

was she his "first love"?

He was only with her for about 2 months & no, she wasn't his first love.
I actually think I am.

He's only ever had a few short term relationships like that & never really got emotionally involved.

I don't really want to ask him again as I know as Genghis said:- it was him trying to tell me that we're so good together that even his friends notice, but I just can't help stop the little green eyed monster from trying to appear.

I think I could even handle him telling me that she was a stunner, but he didn't have to 'practically' say 'but you're not' (I know that's not what he said, but again, my mind's trying to twist his words)

Thankyou Otacon, that was nice.

irlrobins

Otacon wrote:

You have a partner who loves you and who was trying to compliment you in a weird way that didn't turn out the best...

ditto this. I've been there myself, trying to compliment a girl and making a pigs ear of it as i'm not the best at expressing myself when it comes to emotions.

If you're getting on good and feel ur solid then i wouldn't give it a moment's thought. The fact that he is talking about the future shows u have nothing to fear.

panda100

hey-you have every right to be annoyed at this-i would be totally upset if it was me.My first real boyfriend who i went out with for 2years was always saying to me how he went out with a girl who was a model and then this other girl who had this amazing singing voice. I never used to say anything about it but it used to just build up inside me that i was only second best beside these supposedly amazing women. What i did know was that boys are a bit silly and your boyfriend probably really didnt genuinly think that by saying these comments it would hurt you. I kept thinking about my boyfriends beautiful ex so much that one day i burst in to tears saying that he didnt fancy me blah blah.My boyf couldnt believe that id let it get to me so much.maybe you should tell your boyfriend how you feel cos everyone needs a bit of reassurance now and again and this is what you need from him....a bit of reassurance that he fancies you as well as likes you as a person

Jonny Arson

From a blokes point of view I reckon he arsed up his words. Maybe he was trying to convey a point that despite his ex being a stunner he wasn't comfortable with her and that he is more at one with you..... effectively saying looks aren't important. Only my guess but blokes are rubbish with combining words with emotions. Most guys hardly think about how what they say can be interpreted by other people........ many of them are so incredibly insenstive to other people's feelings and emotions. I'm certain he hasn't thought any of it but it's only natural really that you are feeling the way you are. If this is the first type of comment made then try not to take much notice of it but if he keeps on making comments like this then you should say something to him.

Savman

Don't read so much into it, all women think other women are more attractive, sounds like yer fella dug himself a nice hole with his words there, next time tell him to "dig up"

Amazotheamazing

Ah the poor guy just messed up and mangled a compliment, it's not worth getting upset about.

Nevyn

Well honestly which would you rather be

The very pretty girl that wasn't a nice person and not for him long term relationship material who he didnt love

or the wonderfull person he is in a relationship with and cares about who is
not as 'stunning' ( crap word by the way make me think of so called glamour girls) ?

Sounds like he does care and his friends think you are good together and he was mostly likely trying to be open and honest with you and reassure you that well he prefers you because Duh he is in a relationship with you not her.

Nalz

Amazotheamazing wrote:

Ah the poor guy just messed up and mangled a compliment, it's not worth getting upset about.

Yeah, it really is that simple. But maybe if your that worried bout it show him this thread? Thats if ya want him to know what you really thinkin

Shabadu

Ah- apparently he suffers from 'manitis'. Just tell him it's not on, it makes you feel like crap, and use a bit of cop. Would he like it if you went on about how massive your ex's penis was, "but don't feel bad! Your personality is *sooooo* much better!"? No. Tell him such.

Lady_Macbeth

Genghis wrote:

So the point is this. In the overall sense, your bf loves you (and loves you more the more he gets to know you) - and what's more, his mate noticed. With his previous gf he liked one aspect of her (initially), but couldn't love anything else (in fact he found he disliked her more as time went on).

this is it precisely.
As you have said, there are prettier girls than you (and in fact there are prettier girls than all of us; everyone's version of pretty differs, therefore there is no 'prettiest') and fair enough he was with a girl before who was 'prettier' than you. But that was it. She hadn't the personality to match.

It's possible that he was amazed that his mate chose you over Betty because he might have assumed that his mate wouldn't really know you well enough as he does to love what he finds most attractive about you. He may have thought that his mate would have gone for the outwardly most attractive, and that's what surprises him.

You are never not pretty enough for someone, and you are never not as pretty as someone. He clearly believes you better than the so-called prettier Betty.

- Lady

Chrissy

Thanks all of you for your comments.

It does help to know that it's understandable to be feeling the way I am.

I do genuinely believe that he was just trying to make me see how great people think I am that without really knowing me, they'd choose me over looks, I know he didn't mean to hurt me, he just doesn't seem to have much tact so it did hurt me a bit.

& Yes, I'd much rather be in my position than his ex's position & I know he really does love me, it just got to me a bit, but I'm gonna try not dwell on it anymore, he was just clumsy with his choice of words & he once said he'd never do anything to jeopardise us as he knows a good thing when he sees it

Vangelis

Chrissy, I don't know what to say.

I think you should ask him: Are you attracted to me? Am I pretty?
I would do that myself, although it should be unnecessary to fish for compliments. They should come without you having to ask for them. To me it sounds like you're "second best" to him. But I'm afraid of hurting you myself by saying that. Thought about asking him?

Seraphina

i know exactly how you feel. no amount of common sense and telling yourself - well its ME he's with etc etc. will make ya feel better.
my bf has a few mates and he's mentioned quite a few times how hot they are or whatever, but its never something he says to me or about me.
i know he's with me for a reason, but it still bothers me. obviously he's going to find other women attractive, but i dont want to know about it, especially since he seems to consider them more attractive than me.
no one wants to think stuff like that, but those evil green eyed monsters are always around like you said!
i just try not to think about it.

AdviseMan

It was stupid the way he put it. If that was me and I was trying to say the same thing I would say something along the lines of "betty was more of the type of conventenial fake platnum blond, jordish type which i know my friend likes. Which is why i was surprised. You're more natually beautiful." Then again I wouldn't make that point. Foot in mouth disease is way too contagious when it comes to comparing ex's to current.


Think this is a biggish general problem in (hetro)relationships. A female friend of the op would never say anything like that to her but a male friend of her boyfriend wouldn't get offended if he said something like that to his mate.


Mars, Venus enough said.

Chrissy

Vangelis wrote:

I think you should ask him: Are you attracted to me? Am I pretty?
I would do that myself, although it should be unnecessary to fish for compliments. They should come without you having to ask for them. To me it sounds like you're "second best" to him. But I'm afraid of hurting you myself by saying that. Thought about asking him?

I did ask him once if he thought I was pretty (not the same night), due to lack of ANY compliments. Even then I thought there was a bit of hesitation, but he said yes, he did.
You see, the fact that we're good friends makes it easier to fall in love without fancying someone (I think) & that's what I'm afraid has happened here.
Also, on New Years (before any of this came up) I made a big effort:- was wearing a gorgeous flattering dress, hair was lovely & makeup was perfect. As I already said, I'm definitely not ugly, I'm quite petite & have ample cleavage. Even I thought I looked well (& that's something that rarely happens)
His friends would never comment on how I look, but on that night as soon as they all saw me they were all saying how fantastic I looked, but again my bf never said a word. His friends even asked him what was wrong with him, why wasn't he saying it, but still nothing. (He couldn't keep his hand off me all night, but why couldn't he just say you look nice)

I do think he's attracted to me, but now I can't help but think that he was attracted to her 1000 times more. However easy I can get his little man's attention, she could get it 1000 times easier, you know what I mean?

The other night when he said it, I know he knew that I was picking up on the wrong side of his point even though I was laughing it off & so at one stage he said (I was trying so desperately hard not to look hurt that I'm not sure what all he said, but I did hear this bit) that I was far better looking than my sisters. (& he genuinely meant it)
(My sisters are very good looking & get any guy they want. I have always seen myself as the plain jane or ugly duckling, but it's not something that I let bother me. I just think 'I've got the personality':) )
Thing is though:- he doesn't fancy my sisters, so they're not competition, but he DID fancy his ex who in his words was 'absolutely class' & 'alot better looking' than me, so when he sees me naked etc, is he thinking, I've seen better, when I'm looking my absolute best is he thinking she looks nice (for her) but Betty would look so much better in that outfit, that makeup, that haircut etc, etc, etc.....................:(

Savman

you'll never contain his sexual thoughts, especially if he's an alpha male. If it really bugs u confront it, but sounds trivial.

Although that idea of telling him your ex had a massive manhood is a good idea! You'll scare the bejaysus out of him but he'll prolly sulk

LegacyUser

Chrissy wrote:

Am I over-reacting?
Guys:- can you put yourselves in his position & tell me what you'd have been trying to say if it was you?
Girls- can you tell me how you'd react if your bf said that to you?

While I know he loves me to bits & loves my company (& even talks about our future together ......

It would definately hurt me.

I NEED to know that my boyfriend fancies the arse of me.. BUT.. I am a self confessed attention seeker! I don't know if that is the case with you.

I know that if I feel fat and ugly etc, then I am definately not going to feel sexy, or up for any sexy activites.

Me, personally, I need to feel lusted after and desired.

So, yeah, it would hurt like hell if I never received any compliments from my BF.

You mentioned that you and your BF have discussed a future together... well I don't know if he fancies you as much as you would like him to, only he can answer that question, but you also mention a hot sex life, and again, me personally, I couldn't have one without the other.

So maybe he does fancy you like crazy and he just has a funny way of showing it.
Maybe he tells his mates how hot he thinks you are?
maybe he never told his ex how hot he thought she was?
Maybe he just doesn't realise that you need to be told how attractive he finds you?

Alot of maybes here, but maybe some of them apply!

Seraphina

sillysausage wrote:

So, yeah, it would hurt like hell if I never received any compliments from my BF.

i've just come to accept this as the norm

i was dressed up really nicely one night, fantastic clingy dress, my fmbs, hair and make-up done.

do you know what he said?

'you've got a hole in your fishnets'

i coulda ****in murdered him. i make such an effort and all he can do is be negative.

irlrobins

ah thats so me! But hey, would you want to go out with a hole in your tights that everyone saw but you!

Seraphina

irlrobins wrote:

ah thats so me! But hey, would you want to go out with a hole in your tights that everyone saw but you!

they were perfect when i left the house, unfortunately fishnets have a habit of snagging VERY easily, and they happened to get caught on the zip of my boot when i crossed my legs.

you think he'd care to comment on the whole package and not the single flaw?
i wonder why i bother.

irlrobins

men eh!

LegacyUser

Seraphina wrote:

they were perfect when i left the house, unfortunately fishnets have a habit of snagging VERY easily, and they happened to get caught on the zip of my boot when i crossed my legs.

you think he'd care to comment on the whole package and not the single flaw?
i wonder why i bother.

Wow, why do you put up with that?
I like to dress up when I go out (although day time I am a real combats girl) but if I put that much effort into looking good, and my BF didn't greet me with "Oh my God, you looking amazing", and instead met me with "Mmm, you have a hole in your tights" I would be very pissssed off.
If the above was typical of his behaviour then I wouldn't stick around for very long.
If you thought you looked good that night, then odds are that you looked fantastic, and you deserve to be made to feel gorgeous and sexy and desired, and not just when he wants sex!

For what its worth I think it should work both ways, I think you should tell your man that you think he is damn sexy too!

panda100

Chrissy,as you said before your guy isnt big into giving compliments,you knew that before you went out with him.Loadsa Irish guys are like that just dont let it bother you,as long as you know you look and feel good you dont need validation from your boyfriend to know that.Unfortunatly,every guy ive ever gone out with has never been big on compliments and if you let this get to you it will just make you more and more insecure. Focus on all the positive things and stop worrying about betty!I once out with this gorgeous fella for about two months-we're talking brad pitt-but ive never once compared any of my long term boyfriends to him as i had an emotional connection to them wihich beats the physical attraction hands down!

Lone Stone

he sounds like turnip
if i was with someone and they said something like that to me id be pritty offended........

Chrissy

Lone Stone wrote:

he sounds like turnip

Ah, I wouldn't be as harsh as that.

I know he didn't mean for me to be hurt by it, I know in a weird kind of way that it was supposed to be a compliment & if I ignore the horrible bit of it, it actually is a compliment, kind of....
I even think he realised himself that it didn't sound as good when he said it as it did in his head.

It's definitely not something I'm going to hold against him, I know he thinks the world of me, he often tells me that he's never felt the same about anyone as he feels about me (I think that's a good thing!!! unless of course it's because he can't stand me:D )

I suppose the long & short of it is:- I know he didn't mean to hurt my feelings, but I can't stop my feelings from being hurt, I love him, he loves me, I want to be with him, he seems to want to be with me, I'm VVVVVV attracted to him, he seems to be attracted to me, but I now can't help to imagine this superhuman god-like amazingly attractive woman that he's had, that I can never compare with, & because of that I almost feel like I'm letting him down (he can have better, but he's stuck with me so he can't)

Anyway, it doesn't change much except my ego being a bit bruised. I'm not forcing him to be with me, & never will, I'm happy with me & I'm not about to change it. I dress up at weekends, I don't during the week , I'm happy for him to see me without my makeup, going out clothes, etc.
If I'm not glamourous enough for him, then he's free to move on

But tbh, he hasn't given me any real reason to suggest that I'm not perfect for him, & quite a few reasons to suggest that I am.

I am hurt, but I'll get over it, if it suits the conversation soon I'll probably bring it up just for reassurance on how he feels about Betty, women like Betty, & how he feels about me, & I imagine I'll be happy with the answers.

Thanks for all your advice.

Chrissy

Chrissy

Chrissy wrote:

Ah, I wouldn't be as harsh as that.

I know he didn't mean for me to be hurt by it, I know in a weird kind of way that it was supposed to be a compliment & if I ignore the horrible bit of it, it actually is a compliment, kind of....
I even think he realised himself that it didn't sound as good when he said it as it did in his head.

It's definitely not something I'm going to hold against him, I know he thinks the world of me, he often tells me that he's never felt the same about anyone as he feels about me (I think that's a good thing!!! unless of course it's because he can't stand me:D )

I suppose the long & short of it is:- I know he didn't mean to hurt my feelings, but I can't stop my feelings from being hurt, I love him, he loves me, I want to be with him, he seems to want to be with me, I'm VVVVVV attracted to him, he seems to be attracted to me, but I now can't help to imagine this superhuman god-like amazingly attractive woman that he's had, that I can never compare with, & because of that I almost feel like I'm letting him down (he can have better, but he's stuck with me so he can't)

Anyway, it doesn't change much except my ego being a bit bruised. I'm not forcing him to be with me, & never will, I'm happy with me & I'm not about to change it. I dress up at weekends, I don't during the week , I'm happy for him to see me without my makeup, going out clothes, etc.
If I'm not glamourous enough for him, then he's free to move on

But tbh, he hasn't given me any real reason to suggest that I'm not perfect for him, & quite a few reasons to suggest that I am.

I am hurt, but I'll get over it, if it suits the conversation soon I'll probably bring it up just for reassurance on how he feels about Betty, women like Betty, & how he feels about me, & I imagine I'll be happy with the answers.

Thanks for all your advice.

Chrissy

Even if a guys ex was 10 times prettier/smarter/sexier/ demon in the sack etc he'll never be stupid enough to tell you that
the only way you can ever find out about a blokes ex is if he subconsciously slips and tells you something such as this !!!!
some things you find out are good some things you find out are bad
you have to deal his past, its part of him
eg when I was going out with my ex I found out she was pretty (his mate told me but it still annoyed me) that she was interested in money and controlling him a lot (not like me at all so was happy)
You take the good with the bad

Loomis

Savman wrote:

you'll never contain his sexual thoughts, especially if he's an alpha male. If it really bugs u confront it, but sounds trivial.

Although that idea of telling him your ex had a massive manhood is a good idea! You'll scare the bejaysus out of him but he'll prolly sulk

Hopefully you're joking but if you're not that's seriously a bad idea.if you need a reason why, then you also need help

Loomis

Chrissy wrote:

Ah, I wouldn't be as harsh as that.

I know he didn't mean for me to be hurt by it, I know in a weird kind of way that it was supposed to be a compliment & if I ignore the horrible bit of it, it actually is a compliment, kind of....
I even think he realised himself that it didn't sound as good when he said it as it did in his head.

It's definitely not something I'm going to hold against him, I know he thinks the world of me, he often tells me that he's never felt the same about anyone as he feels about me (I think that's a good thing!!! unless of course it's because he can't stand me:D )

I suppose the long & short of it is:- I know he didn't mean to hurt my feelings, but I can't stop my feelings from being hurt, I love him, he loves me, I want to be with him, he seems to want to be with me, I'm VVVVVV attracted to him, he seems to be attracted to me, but I now can't help to imagine this superhuman god-like amazingly attractive woman that he's had, that I can never compare with, & because of that I almost feel like I'm letting him down (he can have better, but he's stuck with me so he can't)

Anyway, it doesn't change much except my ego being a bit bruised. I'm not forcing him to be with me, & never will, I'm happy with me & I'm not about to change it. I dress up at weekends, I don't during the week , I'm happy for him to see me without my makeup, going out clothes, etc.
If I'm not glamourous enough for him, then he's free to move on

But tbh, he hasn't given me any real reason to suggest that I'm not perfect for him, & quite a few reasons to suggest that I am.

I am hurt, but I'll get over it, if it suits the conversation soon I'll probably bring it up just for reassurance on how he feels about Betty, women like Betty, & how he feels about me, & I imagine I'll be happy with the answers.

Thanks for all your advice.

Chrissy

But the fact is you have compared.And come out on top.He's with you and not her.
Sure it might hurt a bit but like I said earlier, you come out better than her overall.Her good looks didn't keep him.So while it might hurt it's not the main issue.It's all the things he sees and likes in you that would make him choose you over her anytime

dundalk cailin

as you say your not ugly, you get attention from guys, i can understand how it is easy to feel second best, but you have the personality and friendliness and down-to-earthedness etc that made you's click as friends first. physical attraction (with the ex) didnt last, you's have a more solid relationship. but i think you should tell him how this comapring with the ex is making you hurt, maybe he has no idea how hurt you feel

Angels

I would be hurt by that too, but in saying this he was only with Betty for 2 months. Now to me thats not very long & he obviously didn't like her personality if the more he was with the more he would dislike her, thats a point in itself.

Chrissy she could be Kate Moss with no personality. Cause if you really love some one you love there personality & thats all that matters. Looks are not everything.

And in the way he said it was wrong but he was trying to pay you a compliment as far as i can read.

How long are the 2 of you together??

I wouldn't be worried it's just this whole (ex gf) thing that woman have makes some of us paranoid unfortunately.

JustCoz

I think you totally have a right to be annoyed, especially when you make a big effort and even his friends are telling you that you look hot! But honestly he probably didn't think twice about what he said because boys can be really stupid like that sometimes. He's obviously just a sorta shy person who gets embarrassed giving compliments. I'm guessing maybe he gets embarrassed when he's given them too.

So he told you that his ex-girlfriend was a stunner but do you think he told her that at the time? Probably not by the sounds of things. Anyway at least you know that your pretty, so don't get hung up on it. If I was you I'd probably joke about it a few times until he cops on.

luckat

Wonder what the answers would be if the question had been asked the other way around:

"I'm going out with this girl... I'm ok looking but not a total ride; so she says to me how lucky she is to be with me instead of this total ride she used to go out with..."

Chrissy

Yea, justcoz, I think you're right!
& I do think the jokey approach is probably right for me.

Angels:- we're only going out about 4 months. The thing is:- I don't get hung up on ex's. Practically everyone my age has them & they're just that:- ex's, no big deal. I never give ex's a 2nd thought.

It's just the way he said how hot she was. (Again, that wouldn't have bothered me all that much. I could have thought to myself that he thinks I'm just as hot & be happy for it NOT to be confirmed), it's the line where he had to say she's alot better looking than you, is the only bit that hurts me.
I didn't need that confirmed.

But like someone else said:- it's a case of foot in mouth disease I think so I'll just have to let it go, but it is good to know that both men & women think it's reasonable for me to feel this way, as I wasn't sure if I was just over-reacting or not (normally that wouldn't be my thing)

Think I will bring it up at some stage:- if nothing else I should get some lovely hugs out of it (he does give the best hugs!!!)

Chrissy

luckat wrote:

Wonder what the answers would be if the question had been asked the other way around:

"I'm going out with this girl... I'm ok looking but not a total ride; so she says to me how lucky she is to be with me instead of this total ride she used to go out with..."

What do you mean luckat?

Would the answers not be exactly the same?
It would damage your manhood a bit, would it not?
Or make you feel slightly insecure, as if she can bag an absolute ride before you, why would she settle for an ok looking you?

I'm assuming this hasn't happened to you, & you're just putting it out there, yes?

How would you feel in that situation?

Angels

Chrissy wrote:

Yea, justcoz, I think you're right!
& I do think the jokey approach is probably right for me.

Angels:- we're only going out about 4 months. The thing is:- I don't get hung up on ex's. Practically everyone my age has them & they're just that:- ex's, no big deal. I never give ex's a 2nd thought.

It's just the way he said how hot she was. (Again, that wouldn't have bothered me all that much. I could have thought to myself that he thinks I'm just as hot & be happy for it NOT to be confirmed), it's the line where he had to say she's alot better looking than you, is the only bit that hurts me.
I didn't need that confirmed.

But like someone else said:- it's a case of foot in mouth disease I think so I'll just have to let it go, but it is good to know that both men & women think it's reasonable for me to feel this way, as I wasn't sure if I was just over-reacting or not (normally that wouldn't be my thing)

Think I will bring it up at some stage:- if nothing else I should get some lovely hugs out of it (he does give the best hugs!!!)

if your not hung up on ex's, why are you getting hung up on what he said???

Chrissy no woman thinks shes perfect or beautiful, but in real life your probably fab looking to most people don't beat yourself up too much about this. He probably had it said when he taught '**** i shouldn't have said it like that feck' & hes probably thinking right now hope she doesn't think i was saying that to compare her to my ex. Maybe possible???

Chrissy

Angels wrote:

if your not hung up on ex's, why are you getting hung up on what he said???

Chrissy no woman thinks shes perfect or beautiful, but in real life your probably fab looking to most people don't beat yourself up too much about this. He probably had it said when he taught '**** i shouldn't have said it like that feck' & hes probably thinking right now hope she doesn't think i was saying that to compare her to my ex. Maybe possible???

Thanks Angels,
Ah I don't know, I guess no-one likes to be told by the one they love that they're not a patch lookswise on an ex, even if they know it themselves.

We all hope that we're the most beautiful person in the world in our partners eyes, whereas without even being asked, he's told me that I'm not (& yes, I probably am, with my personality & everything, I just didn't need to be told that my physical side isn't the best. (I know he didn't say there was anything wrong with my physical side, but do you get what I'm saying))

Yes, I'm sure he did think Sh!t, not the best choice of words, but I doubt if he's given it another thought since as I laughed it off well

Angels

Ah Chrissy, sorry to hear that & i do get what your saying.

As long as you know he loves you nothing else should matter then.

Vangelis

Chrissy.. Been thinking a bit.

It seems to me that it's natural for all people, men and women, to need to feel attractive and especially know and hear from their partners that they are attracted to them, think they are beautiful/gorgeous/handsome.

If you feel like you need to draaaaag out the compliments from him, that kind of makes my stomach churn.

But men have different ways of showing that they appreciate their women. They often do things instead of saying things. And women happen to be talkative creatures who like listening and speaking. So they tend to think that men are chatter-boxes like themselves, articulate and expressive and that they will adorn them with exquisite and soft words, whispering them in their ears!

My guy's quite good at that, but I've heard that men generally aren't...
They act instead and women tend to overlook their actions and the meanings of them, according to an article by a therapist I read... yesterday actually.

Does he show you that you're his girl through his actions?

Do you feel generally unappreciated?

Is there "something missing" in your relationship?

Vangelis

Chrissy wrote:

Yes, I'm sure he did think Sh!t, not the best choice of words, but I doubt if he's given it another thought since as I laughed it off well

This puzzles me... How did you feel when you laughed? Was the laughter a cover-up for your hurt? Was it genuine?

illicit007

Keep
It
Simple
Stupid

I reckon there's waaay to much discussion going on for something that was obviously mean't as a HUGE compliment. You may not be the prettiest girl on the planet but you're obviously the BEST so chill. I realise a womans insecurity and sometimes I totally think it's cutest thing and I even like girls more for having it... BUT sometimes enough is enough.

What would happen to your relationship if you continually reacted in a similar fashion each time he uneloquently phrased a genuine attempt at quite possibly the best compliment in the world... hmmm?

Chrissy

Thanks Vangelis.

Yes, he definitely DOES show that I'm his girl through his actions. I know he loves me, I know he loves spending time with me, I know he enjoys being intimate with me (it's just since he said that, I can't help but think that we would've got more turned on by being intimate with "Betty")

No, I don't feel unappreciated, he's an absolute fantastic guy & I'm very very happy in our relationship, just would have preferred not to know that.

Also, yes, I laughed it off to cover up the hurt. I told him he was digging a big hole for himself & he'd better just quit while he was ahead, ha ha ha, etc etc etc.........
Like I said earlier, I think he's the sexiest man on earth (I know I'm not the sexiest woman on earth & that doesn't get to me in the slightest, but when you're in a new relationship you like to think that you're the sexiest woman (that your man can get, i.e, not in competition with Angelina Jolie etc) IN HIS EYES) but he tells me straight out that I'm not. It was very unexpected as he never really give me reason to think this before hand & it really was a bit of a dagger in the heart.

Illicit007:- He doesn't know I'm feeling this way. I haven't let it affect our relationship in the slightest. I saw him last night & I behaved as if it was never said, so it won't affect the relationship unless that exact type of thing is said over & over again.
I was just afraid that I was being really stupid for feeling that way, but the majority of people here seem to agree that although it was unintentional on his part, I have reason to feel like this

Talliesin

I think your bf was being a prick.

The question is, was he being a prick because everyone's a bit of a prick sometimes and that was his moment, or was he being a prick because he's a prick?

Chrissy

Nah, don't think he was being a prick, just think he was being clumsy & made a hash of a compliment which resulted in me getting hurt.

Nothing more, I don't think, but thanks for your input