More Chuck Norris Humour

DoesNotCompute

.. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f**king Indian.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the f**k down.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.

FreeAnd..

posted on another thread but it has relevance here...the death of chuck norris the legend and the birth of Chick Norry the proud shameless self promoting literary genius....


IN RESPONSE TO THE "RANDOM FACTS" THAT ARE BEING GENERATED ON THE INTERNET

I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as "Chuck Norris facts." I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts.

~ Chuck Norris

http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx?type=1

Pugsley

Chuck Norris doesnt sleep, he waits

kjt

Haha these are some of the best one's I've read yet.

Thanks

rhcp78

Chuck Norris walked down the street with an erection the other day.... There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris uses a live rattlesnake as a condom.

Karl Hungus

DoesNotCompute wrote:

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

This one was just lame.

Zapp Brannigan

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU
RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with
Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius
of the blast went deaf

goo

Slurms wrote:

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU
RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with
Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius
of the blast went deaf

I guess the joke's over.

TerrorFirmer

Some poor ones, some really great ones though.....

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Thats a great one. The Boogeyman one is pretty good too.

The best one I ever heard is the one about about Norris being the most dangerous animal on earth, and upon being bitten, victims experience the following symphtons: Beard Rash, Tightness of the jeans, feeling of being repeatedly roundhouse kicked through a car windshield :v: :v:

Zapp Brannigan

Superman wears Chuck Norris pyjamas.

Loomis

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".

Loomis

Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month, if he needs to or not.

There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however only Chuck
Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.

Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a Total Gym.

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win
the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out
of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card
from the game UNO.

DoesNotCompute

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.


Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.


If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.


Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.


Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.


There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.


There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.


It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.


Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.


When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."


Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.


If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.


Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.


Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.


Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.


Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.


When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.


Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.


Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.


A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.


Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.


The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.


After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".


Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.


Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.


If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.


Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you are dead wrong.


Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.


Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Karl Hungus

Sorry if these are old, but:

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck instead.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Magnetic compasses do not point toward true North - they point in the direction of Chuck Norris. He just likes to sit on a lawn chair and shout, "Jackets are for pussies!" at the Arctic researchers.

The Chuck Norris edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

Zapp Brannigan

Karl Hungus wrote:

Sorry if these are old, but:

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck instead.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Magnetic compasses do not point toward true North - they point in the direction of Chuck Norris. He just likes to sit on a lawn chair and shout, "Jackets are for pussies!" at the Arctic researchers.

The Chuck Norris edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

Never seen them ones before. They're good.

scojones

There's no such thing as a tornado. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

scojones

Chuck norris scared the black out of michael jackson

Anto and Moe

Those facts about Chuck Norris remind me very much of the Vin Deasel random facts that I once had the pleasure of viewing... Hmmm...

TouchingVirus

sjones wrote:

Chuck norris scared the black out of michael jackson

Nah. That one goes like this.

During his stay at the Neverland ranch back in the 1980's Chuck Norris felt a presence in the bed beside him. He jumped up and turned on the light to see Michael Jackson. Then he roundhouse kicked him so hard he knocked the black off him.

TouchingVirus

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse
kick you yesterday

Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Marbles 'N' Gravel.


Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

Best One Evar!!! ---^

TouchingVirus

The atomic bomb didnt hit Horoshima. Chuck Norris simply jumped out of the plane and punched the ground.

tman

some ****ing hilarious ones there:p

whacker4fun

Chuck Norris Counted To Infinity Twice!!!!!!!!!!!

Somnus

I never get tired of these things, seriously f**king brilliant

Chuck Norris was the first person to climb Mount Everest. Naked.

Chuck Norris hates dogs. When he was introduced to the 101 Dalmations, he roundhouse kicked every single last one of them to death. When asked why, he responded, "Disney movies are for pussies." (i like the end bit)

Chuck Norris once got in a fight with God, but found out he could not roundhouse kick himself in the head.

Recently Chuck Norris donated $5.7 million to the Tsunami Relief Fund. It's about time he started taking responsibility for his actions.

Chuck Norris plays Russian Roulette with a T52 Anti Aircraft Cannon.

Whever Chuck Norris has an orgasm, a building explodes

Chuck Norris is the exception to the "If it bleeds, we can kill it" rule.

If you stare at Chuck Norris' bicepts for too long, you will go blind or develop testicular cancer.

GLaDOS

F**cking Brilliant!!!!!!!!

Mr_Roger_Bongos

These have kept me laughing hard for the past week! There's only 1 Texas Ranger!

Some of my favourites below. Inspired.

MrJoeSoap

http://x302.putfile.com/videos/a2-16700344919.wmv

7mins 30seconds of Walker clips off Conan. Priceless.

muckwarrior

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter!

Best one ever IMO!

Zoton

Chuck Norris has never had an orgasm. This is because he knows if he ever did, the climax would be equivalent to the simultaneuous detonation of 100,000 atomic warheads, with the subsequent release of enough bearded semen to blanket the earth!

Somnus

Is it just me or does this guy look like the Chuck Norris of Rome?

http://images.google.ie/imgres?imgurl=http://www.malabar.net/rentalgal/Easter/Deluxe%2520Gladiator,%2520Gold.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.malabar.net/rentalgal/Easter/slides/Deluxe%2520Gladiator,%2520Gold.html&h=500&w=281&sz=31&tbnid=b2x-0c9N03wOjM:&tbnh=127&tbnw=71&hl=en&start=23&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dgladiator%26start%3D20%26svnum%3D10%26hl%3Den%26lr%3D%26sa%3DN

And I know this has been suggested a while back but. Chuck Norris forum!!!!

Mr Magnolia

Chuck Norris travelled back in time To save John F. Kennedy.
He met Lee Harvey Oswalds 3 bullets with a round-house kick deflecting them. JFK's head exploded in sheer amazment.