Wife wants plastic surgery

LegacyUser

To look like Teri ****ing Hatcher.

We’ve been married 8 years now; met during college and I thought we were very happy together. Boy was I wrong.
I was browsing the internet as I do and checking our email when I found a bookmarked link to a plastic surgeons FAQ. Payed no real attention to it until that evening at dinner she proceeded to tell me she wants plastic surgery.
Imagine my shock. I questioned her motive behind this and she pretty much feels horrible with her looks and wants to be more like a “Desperate Housewife”, and in particular, Ms. Hatcher.

My wife is stunning and she is not old looking. In fact, she looks younger than she is. I tell her every day how much I love her and how beautiful she is. Our sex life is not a problem either, I please her to no extent and she does me.

So you can imagine how pissed I am at this moment. In my eyes, that show has a lot to answer for. I can’t for the life of me figure why she would want this. On one hand, I’m glad she told me before she went to do it but I put my foot down and told her flat out “no way”.

I’m afraid she’s going to go behind my back and get it done anyway. I do not want to wake up beside a wannabe Terri Hatcher every morning.

I’m not being selfish in my eyes. I honestly cannot see nor understand why in gods name she would want to look like a plastic doll.

I honestly can’t see her being happy if I said I want a Hugh Jackman look.

It’s wrecking my head. Am I wrong to say no?
Can guys understand where I’m coming from? Even women?

Gordon

I understand your feelings towards this but at least try to talk to her about the reasons behind this. You seem to only be hearing 'I want plastic surgery' when maybe she is trying to tell you something else. Don't ask me what, I have no idea, just a thought.

Anyway, what does she want done - face lift, bone shaving, boob job? If it's the boob job I must say that I saw a nude photo of Teri Hatcher and she has quite saggy boobs so I would find it strange to think that she's wanting the same.

If I were you I'd want to know more info, why she wants to change her look, and try to empathise with her a little more.

Also, what makes you think that she wouldn't be happy if you turned into Hugh Jackman all of a sudden?

sweety4uall

plastique wrote:

To look like Teri ****ing Hatcher.

We’ve been married 8 years now; met during college and I thought we were very happy together. Boy was I wrong.
I was browsing the internet as I do and checking our email when I found a bookmarked link to a plastic surgeons FAQ. Payed no real attention to it until that evening at dinner she proceeded to tell me she wants plastic surgery.
Imagine my shock. I questioned her motive behind this and she pretty much feels horrible with her looks and wants to be more like a “Desperate Housewife”, and in particular, Ms. Hatcher.

My wife is stunning and she is not old looking. In fact, she looks younger than she is. I tell her every day how much I love her and how beautiful she is. Our sex life is not a problem either, I please her to no extent and she does me.

So you can imagine how pissed I am at this moment. In my eyes, that show has a lot to answer for. I can’t for the life of me figure why she would want this. On one hand, I’m glad she told me before she went to do it but I put my foot down and told her flat out “no way”.

I’m afraid she’s going to go behind my back and get it done anyway. I do not want to wake up beside a wannabe Terri Hatcher every morning.

I’m not being selfish in my eyes. I honestly cannot see nor understand why in gods name she would want to look like a plastic doll.

I honestly can’t see her being happy if I said I want a Hugh Jackman look.

It’s wrecking my head. Am I wrong to say no?
Can guys understand where I’m coming from? Even women?

whos to say she will look like a plastic doll?im sure she knows u love her way she is,and im sure your feelings wont change if she get plastic surgery.she obviously wants or feels she needs it,and it good that she takes an interest in how she looks,lotta women dont.just b there for her whatever,and make sure she shops around.lotta bad surgeons around.

john^doyle

Teri Hatcher is horrible - I can understand why you're upset.

SexeeAussie

God, Teri Hatcher looks like a skinned fecking rabbit, but anyway.....can I ask how old your wife is? Has she had babies recently?

I know I was all down on my confidence after baby Number 2......and if I had of won the lotto I would have had some 'work' done. lol

Now as I am older and not as damn superficial I am not as obsessed about my looks, I have grown 'into' myself so to speak....and am far more comfortable in my own skin.

I had what I thought was the 'perfect relationship' but I pushed him away by obsessing about not being 'perfect' enough for him....and in the end I was convinced it was my untoned tummy that made him leave, but it was actually my crap attitude about my own self.

I have learned too that a body image is NOT the same as self image, although if you confuse the two there can be huge issues.

I think there has to be underlying reasons why she wants to have plastic surgery, she may just be a slave to the trashy gossip mags/tv, but I suspect the problem is deeper.

Goodluck

Crucifix

I'd say try hard to convince her you love the way she looks now, or possibly try and convince her to get a makeover/new clothes to be closer to a 'desperate housewife' rather than the more drastic option.

LegacyUser

at Gordon; I'm trying to get my head around and get an understanding of my own before I talk to her more. Like I said, I'm gobsmacked

at sweety4uall: Yes I will love her all the same but that's not the issue. It's why she would want to when she's perfect the way she is.

at SexeeAussie: No kids (yet) and we're both in our early 30's. Again, she does not look it tho so it can't be a cause of wanting to look youunger. I comment all the time on how good she looks so being self conscious of her image I discount as a reason.

We talk about everything. This happening cropping up with me in the dark is distressing.

athena 2000

plastique wrote:

I comment all the time on how good she looks so being self conscious of her image I discount as a reason.

We talk about everything. This happening cropping up with me in the dark is distressing.

Plastique, I agree that it seems odd that she thinks she need plastic surgery. BUT do not discount how she feels about her looks or if she is self-concious about them. Her feelings are hers. This is not about you. I do understand why you'd be angry though. It seems like she doesn't believe what you say. But your anger won't help you get the answer from her. You do sound appreciative of her, and she did tell you about what she wanted to do. So try to find out the real need behind this cosmetic "solution".

Plastic surgeons don't usually just operate on people without some discussion involved, especially if someone wants a lot of work done. If someone actually wants to look like another person (say like Terri Hatcher), then that's a red flag that something isn't quite right. A responsible plastic surgeon doesn't just dive in and recreate someone's looks without talking about it. The best surgeons cost a great deal of money and they have reputations to maintain as well. Many plastic surgeons refuse to do surgery on certain types of patients.

You don't outline exactly what your lady wants to do. So if it's a small as shaving a higher ridge off her nose, or a full body overhaul, maybe you could point it out.

Meanwhile, I'd be gently discovering what the real need is. Since you two talk all the time and seem to be close, you're halfway to the solution in my opinion. Good luck!

simu

Well, it's her decision ultimately. You could tell her some of the scare stories to dissuade her but it mightn't work.

Third_Echelon

There's a show on MTV called 'Give Me A Famous Face'...

Let her watch that and that will make her see what a mistake she is making. Its basically a show about people who get plastics surgery to look like a celibrity, a britney spears inpersonator or something like that wanted to look like the real deal for example.

All those plastic surgery shows freak me out anyway....

StupidLikeAFox

Yeah id try get her some clips of plastic surgery being done. They literally break your nose with a chisel. Its really incredible. That would be enough to put me off anyway

twentycentshift

i just don't get the plastic surgery thing, for cosmetic reasons, that is. i imagine she's pretty nice looking as is, but that's not the point. why go under the knife to change what we are? no two people look the same, and we all get old, and we all sag in places, and we all change and we are all beautiful in our own way. i'm not exactly the best lloking guy in the world, but i'd never get cut on to make changes. no friggin way.......

daiixi

plastique wrote:

My wife is stunning and she is not old looking. In fact, she looks younger than she is. I tell her every day how much I love her and how beautiful she is. Our sex life is not a problem either, I please her to no extent and she does me.

I’m afraid she’s going to go behind my back and get it done anyway. I do not want to wake up beside a wannabe Terri Hatcher every morning.

I’m not being selfish in my eyes. I honestly cannot see nor understand why in gods name she would want to look like a plastic doll.

Sorry dude... while I can understand that you don't want your wife to change.. that you love her the way that she is.. ... but maybe she doesn't love herself the way that she is???

Surely when it comes down to it it's her body and her decision?!

LegacyUser

Hi,

Thanks for the replies everyone. We still haven't talked it over yet, I'm trying to build up my confidence so to speak so I don't come across as the bad guy, if that makes sense.

As it is, I'm not 100% sure what she wants done but all she has mentioned so far was Terri Hatcher. I may have gotten the wrong end of it but i doubt it.

at ColHol: Might be a plan. Even just so she knows what she's in for.

at daiixi: but it's so out of the blue. I mean after being together as long as we have, surely I'd see some signs she's not happy.

turbot

Buy her a copy of the famous book

"Psycho-Cybernetics" by Maxwell Maltz.

It's all about how some people who got plastic surgery managed to change their sense of themselves and other people didnt' Eventually it's about how to do just this psychologically.

Keep in mind that women think a lot about themselves, and to some extent, they can be hyperconscious, irrationally so, about their looks. Curiously, however, looks are a subjective phenomena.

How she feels generally, affects how she feels about herself, which in turn affects how she sees herself.

It's not unusual for many women over time to literally become plastic surgery addicts; thus it's obvious that for many women, plastic surgery only has a temporary effect in changing how she sees herself.

It's possible to change:

1) How she feels about herself;

To do so, establish all the contributing factors... and help optimise her nutrition (read Patrick Holford books about this), her energy levels (think regular, enjoyable exercise, spending decent amounts of time where the air is pure, like the irish countryside by the coast), the emotional quality of the people she spends time with (do they uplift her or bring her down?) and the amount of fun she has in her life...

2) How she sees herself

To do so; there are some pretty good techniques in NLP / Hypnosis for directly changing how someone thinks about themselves,

3) How she makes sense of how good looking she is

Some ideas might include, since you say she really is beautiful:
- Posting her photo on HotOrNot.com
- Finding appropriate forums where people might compliment her; like bring her to a ball where she'll be told how great she looks by her friends, etc

4) What smart and sensible ways she can take care of herself, that have a knock on effect in helping her feel better about herself:

- Teeth whitening
- Hair do
- Pilates class
- Dance / Aerobics classes

5) Some other things you might enjoy to explore that might help also:

- Study tantric sex together
- Find and eliminate the stressors in her life (i.e. does she eat food she's alergic to, do you live somewhere with a not so good atmosphere..., get her to drink lots of organic juice, and give up coffee...)
- Do more fun stuff together; go to concerts; camping, visit eastern europe...

Might take on this is:
- The media can be enormously powerful in influencing and even dictating how people should feel about themselves and what to do about it. Many of these programmes are created by marketeers; they are put on TV to make a profit remember.
- Your job is to be even more convincing, so while you might not be able to put your foot down and say no way (though I suggest this also if you can do it well) you might be able to say (I don't want you watching those shows... they are not good for you, you never used to think like this.... and buy her a UGC cinema subscription, etc).

Good luck in making her feel like a Goddess!

Thomas

turbot

A further thought is to get a professional photographer to take a bunch of photos of her, (as most of the published photos are selected from thousands for the ones that look the best).

Do the same, so you have great photos of her; and in the process she may see she looks great on camera, and you also have something to show people to invite compliments.

turbot

BTW, the best explanation of female psychology I've read, and how it might apply here, is in the book:

"Attraction is not a choice" by David DeAngelo.

http://www.doubleyourdating.com/attractionbook

Binomate

If she wants to change the way she looks let her. If it's going to make her happy then I don't see why you should have a problem with it. I'd just say try and stop her from going overboard with it. It is easy to become addicted to cosmetic surgery. If she gets it done and it is noticable, as she gets older and she changes in appearance with age people will start to acuse her of having more surgery because most people don't believe that people who have cosmetic surgery don't age, only further modify their faces.

Also, what ever you do don't watch Big Brother. Pete Burns will only ruin any chance you have of accepting your wifes decission.

turbot

Binomate,

I disagree.

Many women can look *awful* after plastic surgery.

I'd say faciliate her in talking herself out of it.

daiixi

plastique wrote:

at daiixi: but it's so out of the blue. I mean after being together as long as we have, surely I'd see some signs she's not happy.

Unfortunately you may not.. a lot of people keep pretty big secrets their whole lives and noone knows.. It's sad but it's true. Either way the best you can do is be supportive and let her know that you do love her no matter what. Good luck!

simu

plastique wrote:

but it's so out of the blue. I mean after being together as long as we have, surely I'd see some signs she's not happy.

Not necessarily. People get obsessed with their looks and flaws they imagine to have but they might not discuss it with others because it's such a subjective thing and the other person will probably just brush it off with an "Ah, you look fine".

Also, like it or not (not sure I do myself), the idea of getting plastic surgery has become acceptable in Ireland in a really short space of time. Even four years ago, it would have seemed a lot more freakish and maybe your wife doesn't think it's any different or more of a big deal than getting teeth whitened or hair coloured.

Mexicola

Hmmmm.... maybe get her to watch Big Brother so she sees Pete Burns!
Might help her turn off the whole idea...

On a serious note I think you do need to sit her down and try and find out exactly what is going on in her head - as someone said it maybe it is the fact that inside she doesnt like herself. But it is important that you give her the chance to fully explain!!

Best of luck...

b3t4

plastique wrote:

My wife is stunning and she is not old looking. In fact, she looks younger than she is. I tell her every day how much I love her and how beautiful she is. Our sex life is not a problem either, I please her to no extent and she does me.

It's all well and good you saying all these things but she has got to believe them too. She's probably thinking "Well sure what else would he say he's my husband" etc, etc.

What I would suggest is that you come to a compromise with your wife. Suggest that she see a counsellor for a number of weeks before a consultation with a plastic surgeon. If after the sessions she still feels the need to have some plastic surgery done then you will have to support her in her decision.

A.

Hopeless

Crucifix wrote:

I'd say try hard to convince her you love the way she looks now, or possibly try and convince her to get a makeover/new clothes to be closer to a 'desperate housewife' rather than the more drastic option.

Yup that's an idea.
Try to convince her to spend the money she's spend on the surgery on clothes, her hair, massages, some sort of alternative herbal therapy, anything...
Suggest to take a holiday together? Take her mind away from it all?
Have a baby dammit!
Also, I think a lot of women feel uncomfortable with men's direct approach like 'telling her she's gorgeous every day', try to make more subtle compliments i think they sink in better oddly enough.

The idea of watching some plastic surgery shows/aftermath is an idea, also, bring up the fact that she'd hate herself if the surgery didn't give her quite the look she wanted. Imagine staring at a different face every day for the rest of your life, especially if you're not happy with it!

LegacyUser

Hi again.

Thanks for the replies. It's been helpful in trying to come to terms with this.

We still haven't talked it over in any great detail. I'm still not sure why exactly...part of me doesn't want to hear her reasons for wanting surgery.

Her birthday is coming up in the next few weeks and after reading all the replies, maybe she is feeling a wee bit down about her age. (it's impolite to reveal a ladys age, but like I said, early 30's).

Perhaps over this week I'll sit her down one evening and we'll go through this.

Thanks again. Wish me luck.

ps: sorry for not replying to posters indivually.