End of my teather

LegacyUser · 15-01-2006 3:30pm #1

hey folks,

I'm posting this to get it off my chest and out of my head more than anything.

Bit of background first, i'm 21, live at home, been with my gf for nearly 2 and 1/2 years and plan on keeping it that way.

It all started to go wrong bout this time last year when me and gf were invited to my cousin's wedding down the country. My rents were paying for me, my bro, my sis and my gf to stay in the hotel downthere but on the condition that me and gf didn't stay in the same room. Now that's fair enough, their money = their rules. So me and gf decided to organise our own accomodation in a B&B nearby so we could stay together. As soon as I informed my rents of this, they flipped and insisted that we go down on their rules (ie stay in the hotel and in seperate rooms) or we don't go at all. That made me pissed off and when I told my gf of this ultimatum, she said my rents were 'being ridiculous' and I agreed. I (stupidly, looking back on it) told my rents what she had said and that kicked things off.

I went to the wedding to try salvage something and my gf stayed in Dublin i.e. refusing to play by the so-called 'rules'. I thought me going to the wedding would also stop the inevitable 'you put her ahead of your family' arguement.

Since then, my gf hasn't been allowed to come to our house and seeing as we live across the city and only see each other at weekends, anytime we meet has to be in town or at her house. It's been 11 months at this stage and she hasn't been over to mine as she's not allowed. Anytime it might be raining or whatever and my gf picks me up in the car from my house, she can't even come and ring the bell. She just has to pull up and look from afar at the house where she USED to be welcome. I love her and can see my future with her and it's hard to look at.

This, obviously, has been hard for her to accept and she can't figure out why they hate her so much. She's been reduced to tears on many occasions and is gradually getting used to it I suppose, but it hasn't been easy. My rents are sticking to the stance that she'll never be welcome in the house 'for the foreseeable future'.

They have insisted on me breaking up with my gf for the past 11 months and they don't stop. They have said some truelly hurtful things about me and her when I said I won't break it off with her. Apparently I'm turning my back on my family by still having her in my life and anytime I go to her house, ring her, text her or even think about her, I am saying to her that its ok to call them ridiculous.

I've been getting this in my ear for the past year and have tried to fight back and argue my corner, but they just won't listen. It even came to the stage where I was given choice or dumping her or having to move out. This didn't come to pass but it was close enough. I've stayed up til 3 and 4am some nights just talking (more having to listen to them) to them but nothing changes.

Its easy to say but hard to do but I just want things back to normal. I haven't had a decent converstaion with my rents in the past year and 95% of the time I'm in a room alone with them, the talk immediately turns to how dare she call them ridiculous or how dare I not dump her or how can I look at the hurt its causing them and not do anything.

I honestly don't know what to do anymore. As the thread title says, I'm at the end of my teather and have no idea what will fix things. People have suggested them (my rents and gf) meeting in a neutral place but I fear that will make things worse and develop into 'Im right, you're wrong' arguement from both sides. Another option is for my gf's parents to stand in and confront my rents about how they treat my gf but I don't want it to develop into a family feud.

Thanks for reading, I know its a long post, but if you've any suggestions I'd appreciate hearing them cos I have no idea what to do next.

Girlfriend · 15-01-2006 4:11pm

Is there any other reason why your parents mightn't like her, apart from the bedroom thing?

dudara · 15-01-2006 4:13pm

Have they ever said why they've taken such a dislike to your gf? It seems as if something more has happened than they're informing you of.

illicit007 · 15-01-2006 4:51pm

I think it's pretty obvious.

YOU NEED TO DUMP your parents... ahha

Seriously dude if that were my parents I'd tell them where to go. Why don't you just move out? Then you can do what you want?

Personally what I would do, or should I say done already is... save some dosh, find a place, write a nice well thought out letter to your rents (you're obviously a good enough writer), move all your stuff out to your new place as quick as possible, leave the letter behind.

I'd say that would you might have a better time this way. You might even respect yourself more, maybe even your parent will look at you differently i.e. an adult who makes his own decisions and leads his own life.

But seriously dog I feel for ya. I'm lucky that my one parent that I still own is sooo good to me I'm so lucky. The other one who is a mental f*$%d up b@$t@rd I don't live in the same country any more with and dont talk to anyway so it's sweet. I've also got a gf who l love and I couldn't imagine her not being able to stay, which she does and my family love her.

If I were your mate I'd probably b!t(h slap ya and tell ya to get outta there, in a good way.

dundalk cailin · 15-01-2006 4:52pm

thats tough, i mean your 21 and you have been going out with her a considerable amount of time, its not some girl you just picked up. its strange that your parents turned against her so strongly just because you's wanted to spend the night together. can they not see that you two are serious bou t each other, itd be worse if you wanted to bring strange girls back, one night stands.

waterfaerie · 15-01-2006 4:55pm

As the other posters said, it seems like there may be something else that caused your parents to take such a dislike to your girlfriend. You say you've spent hours at night sometimes talking to them about it. Have you ever asked them what they really think is so bad about her? If there is more to it than you are telling us, or if you discover there is more to it then they told you already, then you may need different advice. If, however, it is a case that that incident was their only problem then I would agree that they are being ridiculous. I wouldn't, however, say that to them. You could try saying how you love and respect them and don't want to cause any further hurt, but that you are 21 years old and have a long term girlfriend that you love, and would like it if they could be happy for you. I'm sure you've said things along these lines to them before, but maybe try and say them in a less argumentative and more rational way. Maybe they don't realise the upset it is causing you? Try telling them that you can't handle any more confrontation about this and that you should not have to choose between them and her. You are an adult now and, even though you are living at home, your parents should treat you as a mature person capable of making your own decisions. If you are 21, that means you must have been 20 at the time of the upset? I don't understand how your parents can still treat you like a teenager. Also, to hold a grudge against someone for a whole year for something so minor shows, to me, immaturity on their part. My mother is similar, in that if she encounters any confrontation she will never back down, purely for the sake of her own pride. Maybe your girlfriend should apologise for the comment she made but add that she loves you and that you are both in a long term relationship and would appreciate their respect and approval. If they see you both acting maturely about the situation and making an effort towards reconciliation they should be agreeable. If you honestly feel you have done all you can and they are still being unreasonable then it might be time to move out, or if that is not an option, demand that they treat you with mutual respect as an adult.

simu · 15-01-2006 4:59pm

Either there is some other, better reason for your parents' behaviour or they are completely insane/stuck in the 1950's, in which case their words carry no weight and you should ignore them and get away from them as soon as possible.

illicit007 · 15-01-2006 5:00pm

I agree with Dundulk there... it seems STRANGE your parents turned against her for one comment about the fact they were wrong to let you sleep together.

Jim10000 · 15-01-2006 5:02pm

are your brother and sister younger than you?

I think your parents are nuts, unless there's something you're not telling us about your girlfriend. Sounds like they'll push you away from them during a time in your life when you'll be getting more independant and seperate anyway.

You should probably stop worrying about it and stop trying to reconcile the situation - you've tried hard enough and they've made their position clear... don't risk hurting your girlfriend anymore and maybe even losing her... tell your parents that you'd prefer if they didn't talk about her anymore and leave it at that.

Then eventually, 'Bye idiots!', and let them figure out what they've done wrong.

BigArnie · 15-01-2006 5:03pm

Anyone who calls their parents their 'rents' isn't mature enough to have sexual intercourse.

LundiMardi · 15-01-2006 5:07pm

first of all, it's PARents, not ****ing 'rents'!!

Second of all, you're 21 ffs, grow a pair.. move out of the house. Don't you find it at all embarrasing that mummy and daddy won't let you bring your friend over?

[Jackass] · 15-01-2006 5:20pm

Yeah that "rents" thing was recking my head too...

Anyway, tell your paretns to grow up stop being such fu*king knobs! Unless something happend that you don't know about/aren't telling us, your parents are being completely unreasonable and acting like 12 yr olds...

Just because she didn't agree with one thing, your parents hold a grudge (vendeta) for over a year.

Save money, if your in college work part-time, get your g/f to do the same...in a couple of months if you pool your resources you'll have enough money to get your own place in a house share somewhere...with your own room!! And you can see eachother as much as you want, and it'll be your parents who wont be welcome..it's so disrespectful and unfair to you, your life, and choices if nothing else and completely undermining you.

If it was me, I would freak at my parents for treating a girl so important to me like ****, giving ultimatoms, making me feel like ****, and just being immature, petty fu*kers...and i'd issue them an ultimatom on the eve of moving out...If you don't call my g/f, ask to meet her, bring her for a meal or something, give her a sincere and meaningful apology and treat her woth respect and make her feel welcome in your home, don't expect to see your son anytime soon...And make sure they know that it's nothing to do with her, it's out of pure fu*king principal that they can't treat you and people in your life like that! They have no right..

Are you an only child or the youngest child? Sounds like your parents are starting to feel they're getting old, there insecure that when you're gone a massive part of their life is moving on, and there's a massive void and loss of meaning for them..so they're trying to stop you moving on!

You tried the diplomatic, non-confrontational way...It's time to get tough, cause there's no other way you'll get through to them.

malico · 15-01-2006 5:23pm

Many good points here. Another thing to add is:
"Well if this is how you're gonna be, I won't let you near the granchildren"

These statements slap people back to reality

Nalz · 15-01-2006 5:50pm

malico wrote:

Many good points here. Another thing to add is:
"Well if this is how you're gonna be, I won't let you near the granchildren"

These statements slap people back to reality

Funny but true.There must be another reason as tio why they dislike your gf so much? Or is it because the fact your parents are really old school.

Lex_Diamonds · 15-01-2006 6:00pm

Your parents have always hated her, they were just looking for an excuse. Not for who she is though, but what she represents.

It doesnt matter who you go out with, as long as they see any of your partners as threats to family unity this crap will surface again.

Bottom line is they are scared that this "hussy" is taking their son away from them, and are reacting accordingly, hoping the stress of the situation will cause you to break up with your woman. DON'T let them win.

leeroybrown · 15-01-2006 6:01pm

Three options from what I can see:

1) Continue to put up with it
2) Move out of your parents house
3) Give in to them and dump her

You've already ruled out (3) and (1) is driving you mad. Unless you are totally financially dependant on your parents I would pick option (2) and move out. Possibly you could also move to somewhere more convenient for your work/studies/friends/girlfriend at the same time. I wouldn't go along with those who say to 'slap them back into reality' but I do think that letting them know why you are doing this would be good.

I really despise people who feel justified to use this form of emotional blackmail on those they claim to love. Parents who try to break relationships up or pull the health card to manipulate children.

Beruthiel · 15-01-2006 6:12pm

at 21 you are supposed to be a grown adult and your parents are supposed to see you that way, how come they don't? because you have not drawn a line that they know they shouldn't cross.

I did not get on with my mother when I was a teenager, I left home as soon as it was possible and have been taking care of myself since I was 19.
Time for you to sort your life out, get a job and support yourself by whatever means necessary, when you have done that, tell your parents that they can come visit yourself and your g/f whenever they are ready.
That might give them the time and space necessary to see how childish their behaviour is, and for them to perhaps see you in a different light instead of the 5 year old they are treating like right now.
The ball is in your court and actions will speak a lot louder than words in this case

AngryBadger · 15-01-2006 6:24pm

The first psot is long, but it doesn't give us much background into what was going on before the wedding scenario. This would be helpful.

Even if your parents are stuck in some cracy 50's time-bubble, you seem to be saying there was no problem until the wedding, which makes no sense. Seems more likely that the wedding was the catalyst for something that had been building for a long time.

I would suggest that maybe your parents, (dude....sorry but stop calling them "rents", queens' english please), feel you've been with this girl for nearly all of your "adult" life to date. And that's not always a healthy thing. They may feel you're making a mistake, and the fact that you were willing to take a stand on this indicates that you do value your gf more than your family.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, or even suggesting that's the case, but it may seem that way to them.

A few people have mentioned drawing "lines" which your parents can't cross, but I think finding your own accomodation with your gf during the wedding, and then her not going was a pretty clear line.

tbh I kind of wonder why you didn't just agree to the seperate rooms for one weekend? What was the big freakin deal with that? And I also think that, if I were your parents, I'd view that as you putting your gf ahead of your family, and I'd think she was encouraging it to some degree, which I'd consider very bad.

Look overall, you haven't given us anything near enough history of the relationship, and your parent attitude toward it up to now. I would say that from your own post, and the way you describe the situation, they don't sound like nutters, which makes me think there's something we're, (and you're), missing here.

And to all the people throwing in the "**** those guys" line, that's a little one-sided. Family is important, taking that kind of a stance is going to hurt everybody in this instance.

jesus_thats_gre · 15-01-2006 7:27pm

Your parents are ****wits.. Tell them to back off or you are going to move out.. If they can't accept her and you are sure you love her, **** them off until their attitude changes..

py2006 · 15-01-2006 11:02pm

There DEFINITELY must be something more to that story! Very few parents these days are that backward! Its usually your parents parents generation that would have held that attitude.

Its as if you are a 15 yr old and not 21. Unless of course your gf is alot younger.

Is there more to this story?

elvis2002 · 15-01-2006 11:15pm

Well this is absurd I think we can all agree on that. I know this "her or us" argument is a no win situation. I think you have to ask yourself a question. Do you want to spend the rest of your life living at home with your 'rents' as you call them. If you love this girl and you think she is the one for you then there isn't a decision to make. I think your parents are finding it hard to let go of their son. They have to realise that you are your own man now who makes his own deicisions. Its up to you to make your own mistakes. They are treating you like a 15 year old tbh who's only allowed out on weekends.

ElaineOC · 16-01-2006 4:06pm

hey 'what2do'

i very much sympathise with you situation! I started going with my boyfriend when I was 21 and my parents took an instant dislike to him, because he didn't go to uni/not good enough for their daughter etc etc. I'm now 24 (almost 25) and we've be going out for almost 4 years and they still don't like him/talk to him. Obviously I don't live at home anymore, moved out pretty much straight away.

But I don't regret moving out or ignoring my parents, because you have to stand on your own to feet at some stage and have your own life. So if you really like this girl, just move out. Hopefully, unlike mine, your parents will eventually come round!

Good Luck!!

LegacyUser · 16-01-2006 4:50pm

Some parents are just like that. My own were exactly the same when I was 21 - they hated my gf, without ever meeting her (she was from a working class background like us, but she wasn't considered "good enough" for their darling son.
I moved out and eventually when we settled down and had kids they relented.
Everyone, lay off "there must be more to it than that" - maybe there's not, the first time my mother spoke to my girlfirend was in the hospital after having our baby...

ravenhead · 16-01-2006 4:59pm

You really need to move out, you're 21 for godsake. i'm surprised that your G/F is putting up with this to tell you the truth, She must really love you cause not many girls would put up with being treated so badly.
I completely agree that you need to make your parents see how ridiculous they are being & maybe the not getting to see the grandkids statement would do that. They need to know that you're serious about this girl & that they can't carry on like this, How would they like it if your g/f parents were threating you the way they are threating your g/f????

tinkerbell · 16-01-2006 5:38pm

Like as everyone else said, either there is something else going on here that you haven't mentioned, or else they are stuck in the 1950s because of the idea of you two sleeping together.

Tiz probably the latter as a lot of people in this country are still seriously old-fashioned.

Well, you are 21, you are an adult, so next time they give you stick about your girl, stand up for yourself. Tell them to shut up, that you are serious about your girl, and that you will not stand to hear anything else bad said about her.

It may not be possible for you to move out, but if you could, now's probably the time.

I think your girlfriend is a saint though for putting up with that crap, and you are too.

LegacyUser · 16-01-2006 5:55pm

To be honest, that girl should really be dumping you. You are a coward ! Grow a set a balls and tell 'yer rents' to f*ck off. Then, find a new place to live for yourself.

Miguel_Sanchez · 16-01-2006 5:59pm

Either there is some other reason why they don't like her or else they're just having trouble dealing with the fact that their darling son is doing dirty nasty filthy things so they've decided to not accept it and shift the blame on your girlfriend. "That harlot has had her filthy way with him - what we can't figure out is how she tricked him into doing it."

Seriously though, your parents sound like they're bad ****ing parents.

After two years it's normal for girlfriends and boyfriends to be welcomed into families. I think if my parents had to choose between me and my girlfriend then they'd choose my girlfriend.

turbot · 16-01-2006 7:32pm

I would suggest that if you have already tried talking this through with them, and they are behaving like this, then do something that makes their actions more public, so you are not the only one fighting this battle.

You have a few choices;
- Move out
- Leave your GF (and she doesn't sound like she deserves this)
- Deal with your parents, and if that fails, move out
- Stage a fake marriage ceremony, including a fake marriage cert for the purpose of fooling your parents, if their reasons for their behaviour are religious
- Or innovate:

One way or another, you're gonna have to face them and how they are trying to control you.

So I'm thinking you should write to a television chat show, and have the whole scenario aired publically. If your parents are really conservative, they'll find the pressure of all the scrutiny, expert opinions, etc, a major wake up call. Is there an irish equivalent of Jerry Springer?

You could also write to magazines about it, and then present them with all the newspaper clippings

You could call Gerry Ryan, and record the entire radio show, then play it to them

I also suggest:
- Call up and talk to your parents friends and ask for their help
- Call up and talk to your relatives, and be upfront, and ask for their help
- Get your parents to pay for a counsellor so they are conscious how they are affecting you

If you are in college and they are supporting you, tell them your GF is more important to you, and they may force you to drop out of college in order to pay for moving out.

There are two issues at hand here:

Either your parents are overly religious in their ways of thinking, or your parents are overly conscious about how other people might react to these situations. Its possible they are both.

They have obviously developed a comfort zone governing what they deem is appopriate behaviour, and you need to them re-evaluate this to be fair to you.

So you can challenge them into going public....

As an aside, in collusion with your girlfriend, I would also suggest considering staging some major emotional hysteria about this whole episode, instead of bottling it up so you have to write to boards about it.

They are not listening and behaving far too stringently. I know people who have literally freaked out in order to get their parents attention, which has worked to some extent, although I'm of the belief that parents trying to change their parents ways of doing things is very difficult.

Treat your girlfriend well during this.

Good luck.

LegacyUser · 16-01-2006 7:55pm

Turbot - are you for real ? Gerry Ryan, me arse. Your making the whole thing far too complicated. The guy (21 yo) doesn't have to crawl to his rents. But he owes his girlfriend an apology for having no balls - at which point she might want to reconsider her options. It is disgraceful the way she has been treated - you wouldn't treat a dog like that. Time for the F*ck Off approach to the rents and for the big girls blouse to stand on his own feet.

The Corinthian · 16-01-2006 8:40pm

what2do wrote:

It even came to the stage where I was given choice or dumping her or having to move out.

There you go. As has been suggested, either you love your girlfriend enough for you to give up your mother cooking and cleaning for you (possibly rent free at that) or you don’t. You’re not going to get both and it’s probably time you learned to live with that reality.

jimmycrackcorm · 17-01-2006 4:20am

For those who think there must be more than the wedding bit, I heartily disagree. I can understand how our parents generation thinks like this.

I'd ask the "rents" to let me know at what age do they think I'd be an adult and allowed to make a decision on my girlfriend. Ist 21 not adult enought - how about 22,23 ,25. Do they think that they might let me make that decision when I'm 30? Surely by 40 I could possibly stay in a B&B with my girlfriend?

They might trot out the old - living under our roof - our rules argument but that doesn't entitle them to a complete say over your life.

you couldd simply point out that it is your life and your decisions to make regardless of whether or not they agree with them or not. The only course of action that they are leading up to is that you'll eventually move out and that they won't be seeing very much of you so they can either accept you are old enough to make your own decisions or lose out.

You need to observe their arguments and react to them logically. The "You are going against the family" one for example is really "You are going against our (presuambly) catholic upbringing". And the answer is that you are not going against the family but simply asserting a part of adulthood that comes with arriving at 21 - something normal for our generation.

I think you have to be very tough with them. I know that it is almost an impossible fight against such deep ingrained beliefs but you need to get to the root of their argument and tease it out with them otherwise you cannot win against such logic. Turn it around and ask them are they trying to treat you still as a five year old? Why do they feel the need to be so protective over you?

AngryBadger · 17-01-2006 10:04am

NortSoide wrote:

To be honest, that girl should really be dumping you. You are a coward ! Grow a set a balls and tell 'yer rents' to f*ck off. Then, find a new place to live for yourself.

This from someone who's posting unreg? Real brave :rolleyes:

turbot · 20-01-2006 4:56am

NortSoide,

You underestimate me.

My posts were designed to help him "hack" the psychology of his parents, and shift them usefully.

If they really care about what the world thinks, as a fundamental reason for not paying attention to their sons needs, then he needs to redefine their relationship with what the world thinks. "Peer pressure" is useful in helping him get through to parents, when kids attempts have proved futile.

Simply moving out is one measure, but there are other alternatives worth exploring too!

T

End of my teather

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