I feel I can't return to work

LegacyUser

I'm in bits at the moment and this is why - what can I do?

i was at a work do the weekend and everything went fantastic, everybody having a good time, no hassles.

A bloke i was friends with during last year near the end of the night became aggressive towards me at the bar accusing me of talking about his son.
A few lads stepped in, later i found out the doormen barred him for being aggressive.
I went outside for a smoke about an hour later and he came up to me with his hand out as if to shake my hand and then he clobbered me one on the face. My lip was cut, blood everywhere.
The guards were called and I heard later he assaulted a doorman as well. the worst of it was yet to come as while he was being held by the guards he denigrated my name, degraded and belittled me telling anyone that I was gay and had been 'chasing' him.

* first off, i didn't speak to him or of him the whole night and only saw the chap twice during the evening.
* I am not gay
* I helped the bloke out last year when he was literally contemplating suicide over a failed relationship he had with the mother of his child.
* I've helped him out with money which I still haven't got all back over one year later
* I have never spoken of his personal problems to anyone ever
* For the past year or so I've been dogged by little snide remarks that I was gay, just the odd time but I know the difference between slagging/banter and personal digs. i didn't know where these were coming from or how they started.
* I told him about these and how hurt and awkard these odd remarks made me feel in my work
*To round off, I hadn't been 'friends' with him for the past two months as I'd decided to cool things down as I wasn't comfortable with his behaviour (comments to me about me, about other work people etc) plus he was making a fool of me over the money he still owed me.

Yesterday i was called in by my boss to make a statement and at the end of it he told me I was suspended from work with full pay until the company had finished their investigations (the other guy was also suspended)

I'm in shock although their procedures have been explained to me by my immediate boss and former boss, I feel victimised by him and now by my work.

I explained to my boss that the physical assault would heal but the filth he came out with about me made me feel how the hell I could turn up for work not feeling embarrassed and humiliated.
I admit I am as paranoid as hell and maybe this is natural right now in th aftermath but at this time I feel I cannot go back to work though I *know* I have done nothing wrong.

I guess my question is, what the hell do I do?

Thanks for reading.

franksm

Sounds like your company are mistreating you - they are assuming you are guilty of something. But probably all they have heard is that two of their employees were in a fight, and are trying to be objective in handling it - and stopping you from going into work to maybe try and win some friends. In this case, you have absolutely nothing to worry about. The company could handle it a bit more thoughtfully, it's a shame that they don't.

What you can do right now is to put down everything in writing - even just for your own benefit (which I guess you did in your post) but more formally and deilver that to your manager - drop it to reception at your work.

Honestly, I wouldn't worry about it too much - the truth will come out that this guy was just bullin' for a boxing match. But put your spoke in anyway.

If you feel strongly about it, or if anything else happens: you might want to go and see a solicitor, but try the Citizens' Advice Bureau first - you can talk to them face-to-face, by phone, or even by email. They have a panel of people who would know what's what - including some solicitors.

Canis Lupus

workruined wrote:

I guess my question is, what the hell do I do?

Enjoy some quality time off work while being paid for it.

My opinion would simply be your boss is being "fair" and suspending both parties until he knows the truth which should hopefully be easily proven.

As for the comments. Meh, sticks and stones and all that. My opinion would be your mans credibility is ruined, you just have to politely tell people he is crazy.

The Corinthian

See a solicitor. Seriously.

chump

Yea, definitely see a solicitor...

You have to remember here, that if what you've posted is true, you've done nothing wrong - so don't let this fool effect your life too drastically.

Of course being off work and having all this time to think about it probably isn't good for you - so keep busy.

And no matter what this lad said, and what people heard, don't worry about it - just tell them he was talking sh!te.

stovelid

A small point...if he digged the bouncer as well, that will really undermine his assertion that it was just between you and him.

Also, even though you are not gay, there is no way your job can fire you for something as vague (and potentially discriminatory) as "acting gay" towards somebody...the suspension sounds like it arose while they figure out who was assaulting who...you did not hit him back so ts basically an assault on you no matter what about the alleged background. They fact he smacked the bouncer and you sustained an injury would sound like bye bye for him.

Mr Magnolia

As was said, enjoy your time-off, try and not to get too stressed out, go and talk to the Citizens Advise Bureau and your Solicitor, just make him/her aware of what's going on.
I'm sure when this is all cleared up and the truth told, you'll be re-instated and vindicated.

LDB

its standard procedure to suspend you both while the investigation is taking place.
what will probably happen is that the outcome of the investigation will result in diciplinary action for him and you will go back to work.
if you are unhappy with what they have done, feel you have been victimised, then submit a separate grievance to them in writing

leeroybrown

While it probably feels awful to be suspended put yourself in your bosses shoes. He has to suspend the other party after he harassed and then assaulted another employee. Now having suspended one employee who is obviously accusing you of harassing him too he (and the company) can't be seen to be taking your side before an investigation by keeping you at work. Not only would it appear to be a prior judgement against him but it might cause problems with other employees who do not know the facts of the situation.

My advice would be to get some advice about the situation (see the above suggestions) and try to relax and get some stuff done during your time off. Assuming the facts are presented fairly you should be back at work once the investigation is over. It might take a little while for things to go back to normal but it should if you're willing to stick it out.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

As I said, a few bosses up there explained the situation with me being suspended as well, still doesn't numb the shock that it induced on me.

I may visit the CAB and see what my rights are as I am not in a union, he is - and a pretty strong one at that.

I agree, with time on my hands I am maybe overthinking and do need to keep myself busy as I am going mental just thinking about it.

I'm only human and of course I'm going to fret and wonder what people are thinking of me especially given the circumstance that the jibe was aimed at me over the last year or so and I hadn't a clue (till now) where it was coming from.

BTW, it's not just the gay thing that has me probably over-reacting, there were other things the bloke said which I can't even find the guts to type. Vile is the word.

I'm of the mind that I can't go back there no matter the only outcome would be me vindicated and him disciplined/sacked.

Quincy

i really sympathise with you. The guy obviously has some serious personal issues to deal with. He got completely locked and was exposed for the loser he really is.

From reading your post, I would say that it was him that spread the rumours re. your sexual orientation. You say you helped him out when he was going through a difficult time. He might have felt that this somehow meant that you held something over him and this made him insecure. He could have been fearful that you might tell a colleague about his persoanl problems so he decided to discredit your character first.

The fact that he also hit a bouncer on the night shows your bosses that he was the one out of control and didn't just have an issue with you. You didnt hit him back, simply walked away despite being provoked so you have nothing to worry about. If i were you i would explain the whole story to your HR manager from begining to end. The guy could be prepared to make anything up about you or what happened in order to save his own ass.

If there are other colleagues crossing the line when making gags about you, then I would report it to HR aswell. A lot of companies in Ireland have a problem with bullying and they have to take it very seriously. Your situation is the hot gossip for now but in a few weeks it will be someone else's turn.
I guarentee your colleagues will be discussing what a idiot the other guy is and commending you for handling it so well.

Dont let it get you down though - its only a job afterall

Scruff

Are you pressing charges against him for the assault? I would, sounds like a wanker who has done nothing but take advantage of your friendship and help and thanks you by assaulting you and defaming you in front of your colleagues.
As was said before, go see a solicitor.

LegacyUser

Scruff wrote:

Are you pressing charges against him for the assault? I would, sounds like a wanker who has done nothing but take advantage of your friendship and help and thanks you by assaulting you and defaming you in front of your colleagues.
As was said before, go see a solicitor.

No. the guards arrived and asked me if i wanted to press charges but i said no as I had calmed down a bit and my injury looked worse than it was plus I thought he was in enough trouble with work in any case. Plus funny enough, I apologised to the guard for wasting his time as I've read and heard so much about stupid drink-fuelled assaults and the time it takes up (!) sounds mad but honestly that is what I was thinking. I think I may have still been in shock as I've never been assaulted or havea assaulted anyone in my life.

<Quincy>
Dont let it get you down though - its only a job afterall

--
Thanks. I know deep down that's correct but this is a job I need, I like and thought I could go far in but now...

<leeroybrown>
Not only would it appear to be a prior judgement against him but it might cause problems with other employees who do not know the facts of the situation.

--
That has been explained to me today by my former boss adn I agree it makes sense. I asked him would I be able to see the other blokes statement and he said if it contained any accusations against me, I would be allowed to see it.

I tell ya, it's a headwreck.

Eoin

I think you need to go on the offensive in work. From what I can tell it has gone from your being physically assaulted while effectively "in work", to defending yourself to your management.

Right now, it sounds like your best case scenario is that they don't find you at fault and you get to go back to work, whereas they should be bending backwards to ensure that you don't open a can of legal whoop-ass on them.

Even though they may be investigating what happened, I would be very surprised if they don't have a very good idea of who started the whole thing (especially given that your colleague assaulted a doorman etc) - with that in mind, they should be treading on eggshells around you.

Here is a handy site:
http://www.oasis.gov.ie/employment/employment_rights/bullying_in_the_workplace.html?search=bullying

One last thing - what would you see as a positive (or best possible) outcome to the situation?
Think about this, so when you go back to work, or next speak to the management, you can tell them what you expect done. Do NOT accept vague comments like "it's been looked after, don't worry about it".

Zillah

Work will be fine. He got arrested by the gards, not you. You chose not to press charges. He's clearly an asshole and the rest of work will get that.

Also, I bet he's gay. (dun dun duuuun)

LegacyUser

eoin_s wrote:

I think you need to go on the offensive in work. From what I can tell it has gone from your being physically assaulted while effectively "in work", to defending yourself to your management.

Right now, it sounds like your best case scenario is that they don't find you at fault and you get to go back to work, whereas they should be bending backwards to ensure that you don't open a can of legal whoop-ass on them.

Even though they may be investigating what happened, I would be very surprised if they don't have a very good idea of who started the whole thing (especially given that your colleague assaulted a doorman etc) - with that in mind, they should be treading on eggshells around you.

Here is a handy site:
http://www.oasis.gov.ie/employment/employment_rights/bullying_in_the_workplace.html?search=bullying

One last thing - what would you see as a positive (or best possible) outcome to the situation?
Think about this, so when you go back to work, or next speak to the management, you can tell them what you expect done. Do NOT accept vague comments like "it's been looked after, don't worry about it".

I got the feeling that his statement (which he made yesterday morning, I made mine in the late afternoon) may have contained personal accusations about me as my boss kept asking me had I anything more to add and that this was my opportunity (or words to that effect)
My statement simply outlined the events of the evening, reiterating that I said absolutely nothing about him or to him. I also gave a short background to how I knew him outside work and I delved not too deeply into anything of a personal nature about the chap but did say i had lent an ear to his woes and troubles. My boss did ask me if maybe I had said something maybe way back about his kid which he had been churning over in his mind and I replied no. Which is the truth. But how the hell can i prove any of that?
I did feel like I was defending myself and that I had too, which did not make me feel comfortable at all.

I don't know about treading on eggshells about me, but I made sure to say forcefully that this mans verbal assault on my character and even dignity at work was far more important to me than any physical assault, no matter how bad that was.

I know I sound like I am whining but this is a very big deal to me and to be honest, it has shattered my confidence and ability to continue my work there (I feel)

To answer the last question : I would like to resume my work and not feel as if I have to 'prove' anything to anybody.
I've already had offers from management to deal with anyone making comments about me/the situation but I do not want to be babysat cos I feel that would make matters worse.
I don't want to have to feel the need to justify myself to anyone that asks about it. I am not very aggressive by nature but can see myself exploding if anyone makes any remark at all to me.

I feel this person needs to be shown the door for doing this to me, but that is not my decision.

Nevyn

Get a solicitor.

And do it quickly. You have no idea what he has said in his statement he will be out to damn you as much as possible.
He will have a senior rep from his union who will have had legal advise on
his terms of employeement and the current work laws irish and eu.
Not pressing charges will infact weaken your case.

Get a solicitor before you get shafted.
You may not have done anything wrong but that does not mean you won't suffer due to what happens.
As it was a work do the company are resposible to a degree and employees are usually expected to behave as if thier work place code of conduct was in effect.
This could end nastily for you with you out of a job, confidence shattered, no references and suffering emotionally, mentally, careerwise and financally.
Get a copy of your employee contract and the codes of conducts from HR and again Get a solicitor.

vandermeyde

Just to echo that, no offence but you sound like you are trying to play this down, and saying things "strongly" to your boss about character assasination is no use....

ASSUME this guy will be on the defensive and absolutely out to bury you. If he's in a strong union which you've intimated you can be damned sure that every single stone will be upturned looking for a way out for him..

For example, the fact that you didn't press charges could well be used as an argument AGAINST you...i.e. you were in some way complicit.

Don't mean to scaremonger, but you are out of your depth here....Get a solicitor...NOW!

chump

You are setting yourself up for a huge fall.
Just to restate what everyone here is saying, you need a solicitor. And you're fukkin crazy if you don't press charges.

LegacyUser

Okay, I hear what a lot of you are saying re: solicitors and pressing charges.

I am more scared now than anything in that have I let the opportunity to press charges go or can I retrospectively contact the Guards and press charges against this man?

As is obvious, I don't have a fckin clue how these things work (though I'm off on a google to have a search right now) however if any of you guys can give me advice on that it'd be appreciated.

My reasons for not pressing charges sound stupid but that is what was going through my mind at the time.

turbot

I agree.

It's imperative that you waste no time whatsoever in getting a good solicitor who is experienced in such cases.

Assume this other guy will make up things to strengthen his case, that could compromise yours. You have to be politically aware and tactical in this situation.

I encourage you to press charges for assault, get legal advice regarding bullying and harrassment in the work place, get statements from the bouncers, write out the details of the whole situation clearly, including all the history of how he may have bullied you. Date this and copy it and post it to yourself (registered) and leave it unopened to backup your case.

Take this very seriously as you have your good name and reputation at stake her, and this other guy seems intent on destroying you, so use every available resource to defend yourself, to protect your position and to make sure you get the exact right advice to protect your future.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

You have been assaulted and battered. You are the victim.

It is for the gardai to prosecute the offender. Be sure to see things through as a prosecution witness if the Gardai decide to proceed.

You have been metaphorically assaulted a second time by your employers by virtue of their actions. It is not as if you were arrested as well !!

Get yourself along to a good solicitor pronto to protect your position as there are a number of matters that look like they need to be followed up including a possible threat to your assailant of an action for slander.

Nevyn

Get in touch with the garda you dealt with they usually will give you thier card and tell them you do wish to press charges there is a limited time window for this; a solictor will advise you better get one.

Chucky the tree

ring your man and tell him if he doesnt quit his job you will press charges.

py2006

Eh, hello!!!!!!!!!!!! W I T N E S S E S??????????????????????????

Surely people at the bar can back you up. The people you were sitting with etc

But then office politics etc could come into this. Is he in a higher positon than you etc? Some people might fear their own position and say nothing.

LegacyUser

I have been told that I should hear tomorrow from my boss about the outcome of the companys investgation.

Dependant on this, I will seek legal advice in regard to charging yer man and/or any wrong decision by my company in regards to me (don't know whether this is the right way of doing things or not)

There was at least one witness to the time he assaulted me, maybe more, I wasn't actually thinking about it at the time.

There were witnesses to him acting aggressively to me at the bar (a whole roomfull but at least three or four that were talking to me at the time)
I guess I am dependant on them telling the truth (they work directly with him), the guy outside didn't know him from Adam but I heard him shout 'that bloke just came up and punched 'my name'

I am not in a higher position than him and vice versa. However, I would be one of several people that plan his work on a daily basis.

Listen, thanks to all for your advice and opinions. It is very much appreciated.

py2006

Keep us posted buddy! Best of luck!

secret_squirrel

Chucky the tree wrote:

ring your man and tell him if he doesnt quit his job you will press charges.

What a stupid suggestion. The last thing he should do is damage his case by talking to the guy. He has got everything going for him. If he talked to the guy it would muddy the waters completely.

the_syco

workruined wrote:

A bloke i was friends with during last year near the end of the night became aggressive towards me at the bar accusing me of talking about his son.

...

* I helped the bloke out last year when he was literally contemplating suicide over a failed relationship he had with the mother of his child.
* I've helped him out with money which I still haven't got all back over one year later

Sorry, but to me it sounds like he got money off you, gave some of it back and is now burning the bridges behind him. Anything you say about his past now seems to be muddied, as he's spent the last year distancing himself from you.

Go and speak to a solicitor, and mention how much you lent the guy. This may be a factor in it.

sticker

Sounds like a really lousy situation, where you feel totally out of control. If what you say is true you need to constantly remind yourself that you've DONE NOTHING WRONG, that this tosser is not worth worring about and to concentrate on the fact that he's not worth the effort in terms of worry. To think you actually helped him before and this is how he has rewarded you is pathetic...

A point raised early in this thread is very true: While right now this may be a discussion point in your job, next week it'll be forgotten about. People, you'll find are far too wrapped up in themselves... They hear horror stories or gossip and the first thing they think is "...well, at least it's not me..." and then go about their days - This will be old news in no time...

Hope everything works out mate - keep the chin up...

LegacyUser

All:

Was called in today and completely exonerated.
The other chap was dismissed, though I believe he is appealing the decision.

I got the statement made by him which was completely full of contradictions - he named a few people whom he said I had talked about him at the party and each and everyone refuted his claim.

His statement contained so many lies and self-pitying crap it was unbelievable to read it.

There were two slanderous statements he made and I am seeing a solicitor about them - again I've never been involved with Guards, work suspensions etc in my life, but I find it absolutely unbelievable that one person can do so much damage to someones reputation and character and make them feel like sh1te and utter garbage.

Lesson unfortunately learnt - I'm in my 30s and didn't think I was *that* nnaive but my God I was wrong. There are some weird people out there folks.

Anyhow, I'm going to get my head back together - I've had good support off my immediate work colleagues - dunno about the rest of the place - but I am relieved to say the least.

Thanks one and all for your opinions and advice - very, very much appreciated.

Thanks.

Chucky the tree

workruined wrote:

There were two slanderous statements he made and I am seeing a solicitor about them .

Gotta ask yourself is it worth it? WOuld you not be better off just letting the incident go and moving on with it, instead of having it dragged back up through court apearances etc.

chump

I would pursue it for the minute, just to let him know that you're not taking any sh!t. It might also scare him off trying to appeal and all that... Let him know you won't take any sh!t from him... You can always drop it later

py2006

workruined wrote:

All:

Was called in today and completely exonerated.
The other chap was dismissed, though I believe he is appealing the decision.

I got the statement made by him which was completely full of contradictions - he named a few people whom he said I had talked about him at the party and each and everyone refuted his claim.

His statement contained so many lies and self-pitying crap it was unbelievable to read it.

There were two slanderous statements he made and I am seeing a solicitor about them - again I've never been involved with Guards, work suspensions etc in my life, but I find it absolutely unbelievable that one person can do so much damage to someones reputation and character and make them feel like sh1te and utter garbage.

Lesson unfortunately learnt - I'm in my 30s and didn't think I was *that* nnaive but my God I was wrong. There are some weird people out there folks.

Anyhow, I'm going to get my head back together - I've had good support off my immediate work colleagues - dunno about the rest of the place - but I am relieved to say the least.

Thanks one and all for your opinions and advice - very, very much appreciated.

Thanks.

Great news buddy!!! Now you can relax!!! Treat yourself to a few drinks this weekend! Just not with your work colleagues for a while!

Mr Magnolia

Glad to hear it all worked out & thanks for the up-date.
Best of luck !

secret_squirrel

workruined wrote:

but I find it absolutely unbelievable that one person can do so much damage to someones reputation and character and make them feel like sh1te and utter garbage.

I would try to put it behind you. There is no damage done to your reputation unless you behave like there was. Your work was just following standard procedures. Unless you really want to waste a bit of your life I would try to forget and move on. Take your satisfaction of knowing he's out of a job.

Treat him like he's insignificant, by forgetting about him its a much better revenge than paying money to get a solictor involved.

TerrorFirmer

workruined wrote:

All:

Was called in today and completely exonerated.
The other chap was dismissed, though I believe he is appealing the decision.

I got the statement made by him which was completely full of contradictions - he named a few people whom he said I had talked about him at the party and each and everyone refuted his claim.

His statement contained so many lies and self-pitying crap it was unbelievable to read it.

There were two slanderous statements he made and I am seeing a solicitor about them - again I've never been involved with Guards, work suspensions etc in my life, but I find it absolutely unbelievable that one person can do so much damage to someones reputation and character and make them feel like sh1te and utter garbage.

Lesson unfortunately learnt - I'm in my 30s and didn't think I was *that* nnaive but my God I was wrong. There are some weird people out there folks.

Anyhow, I'm going to get my head back together - I've had good support off my immediate work colleagues - dunno about the rest of the place - but I am relieved to say the least.

Thanks one and all for your opinions and advice - very, very much appreciated.

Thanks.

Great news! I've been reading the thread but I didn't add anything, unfortunately I had no practical advice to offer on the situation at hand. I felt terrible though, thinking of how something like that could happen to somebody and not only that, be attemptively turned around on them!

Glad to hear the good news. Best of luck with the rest of your career.

leeroybrown

I'm inclined to agree with those who say that you drop it now. It sounds like you've gotten the all clear from management and that you have some immediate colleagues who obviously support you. My advice would be to let it go for now and hopefully he'll move on and find a new workplace and you can settle back into work. There'll probably be a few of his friends/colleagues at work who might have problem with you but unless you are unlucky the vast majority won't worry one way or another after a few weeks.

sticker

Good for you mate! really glad it worked out, you hit the nail on the head when you said there's some oddballs out there! It's just how we learn from situations with them and move on...

I'd also agree that this guy is more trouble than he's worth, and I wouldn'd persue this matter - I'd put as much distance between you and him as possible!! After all - your primary concerns were your job and your reputation... All of which you have back.

Best of Luck!