teenage pregnancy

LegacyUser

recently my best friend confided in me that she wants to have a baby. she only 16 and has been with her boyfriend for over a year.

i dont really know what to say to her, i dont want her to ruin her life but she is also the most stubborn person i know so i doubt she will listen anyway.

ive known her boyfriend for years and he is a decent guy and would stick around if she did get pregnant but this is hardly the ideal situation for either of them.

what should i do i dont wanna cause a fight but she needs to see shes not ready for a baby what should i say? thanks

[Jackass]

Well there far to young, as long as it's consdentual and the guy knows and agrees to all of it then go for it...none of this "the pill failed" or pissed sex (on purpose)

The world needs stupid people...we all need to make a living.

AARRRGH

boards_bitch wrote:

what should i do i dont wanna cause a fight but she needs to see shes not ready for a baby what should i say? thanks

Is she deadly serious or just a kid looking for attention?

Is she planning on telling her boyfriend or just accidently getting pregnant?

Is she full of **** sometimes?

If I were you, and I found out she's deadly serious, I'd tell her parents. It might ruin your relationship with her, but it'll probably save her life...

LundiMardi

tbh, let her make her own mistakes, don't give it a second thought, why waste your own time?

edanto

Why give it a second thought?!?! Isn't that what friends do?

Anywhooo - have you talked to her about how soon she wants to have a baby? Lots of 16 year olds might want to have kids - I guess she'd have more of a chance to grow up if she was happy to leave it as a desire for a few years and then go act on it.

To give some practical advice - do you have any mutual friends that are in the position of having had a baby at your age and have now looked after it for a few years? They might have some words of wisdom - they might say it's the best thing that ever happenned, or more likely, they might say that they wished they had a few years to travel or study before starting the family.

the_syco

No idea where you live, so: are the (fairly) young families in your area? Is she frinds with some of the mothers? If so, she may think that she wants one, as her friends have one.

The thing you can ask her is: does she like going out, going to parties, etc? If she says yes, tell her that once the baby drops, she won't be able to do much of that, and her employment options will be limited untill the kid starts going to school, as she'll have to take care of her.

As for the dude, he's going to be freaked. No 16 year old is ready to be a father, and he'll have to start paying maintenance. That means most of the money he now spends on drink will go towards that. Thus any parties that they both went to will be curtailed, as he won't have the money to goto them.

Finally, if you don't want to tell her parents, get her a home pregnacy test, and if it proves positive, leave it somewhere where the parents will see it (not on the kitchen table: somewhere less conspicous).

simu

That's really stupid. She's even under the age of consent!

Why does she want a baby? Does she think it will suddenly make her life better? Is it because she's not getting affection anywhere else? People do get the urge to have kids but it's rare for it to happen so early!

You could gather some info on the cost of raising a child - that ought to shock her into changing her mind!

brown*eyed*girl

I got pregnant at 16 (unplanned) and had my baby at 17. My bf ran a mile and I reared my daughter on my own. Even though she is the best thing to happen to me I would NOT recommend anyone intentionally to have a baby so young. I know I coped but I'm a very very strong person and lucky that I coped. I remember when I had my daughter my cousin was jealous and was even saying that she wanted a baby too when my daughter was born. She even convinced her then boyfriend too. Well you know what I did I told my aunt on her. She didn't talk to me for a while but it did the trick. Now she thanks me for it as she wasn't ready and neither was her boyfriend. So tell you're friend you'll tell her parents. She mightn't talk to you for a while but at least she might think twice about it or it be enough to shock her into what she really is planning. I feel like a hypocrite telling younger people not to have kids so young but my pregnancy was unplanned and I didn't have a choice. Even though I don't regret it. I wouldn' want my daughter go miss out on what I did (even though it was still worth it). Hard to find the right words there really.

spunkymunky

My girlfriend had an unplanned baby at 19 (i know not as young) and like brown eyed girl she doesnt regret it for a second but thinks she has missed out a some things since (like travelling...chopping and changing jobs...weekends and holidays with friends.
The father ran a mile so she had pretty much raised her on her own (her family are great).
This could very well happen to her. What will the father do if he finds out that she planned it without his consent. Ok if he agrees he should do the right thing but is she planning to not tell him and use that auld one "I forgot to take the pill" what will he do??
16, really, come on!!!! What's missing from her life that she needs a baby to fill?
tell her parent tell and accept the consequences.
Also pinch her and wake her up from the dream world shes living in... Its might not be as nice as she thinks

hepcat

How does your friend plan to support her child? Has she even thought of that or is she just presuming on lone parent benefit, help from her family and housing assistance. If so then she is exactly the type of naive selfish immature ignorant idiot that gives single mothers a bad name. Sorry, but have strong feelings on kids (which she basically is) who somehow think it is ok to go and have a baby because the idea appeals or because she reckons it would give her some sort of "status". I know I could be wrong and she possible could have strong maternal urges, but at 16 that is unlikely.

aido_2006

lol 16 and wants a baby MADNESS!!! im 22 and can barely be responsible enough for myself let alone a baby!!:v:

AngryBadger

brown*eyed*girl wrote:

I got pregnant at 16 (unplanned) and had my baby at 17. My bf ran a mile and I reared my daughter on my own.

Hard to find the right words there really.

*applause*

and great idea, tell her mother. A baby at 16? As someone else asked, is she lacking in affection in the rest of her life?

Sleepy

Try getting her to agree to go travelling with you after the Leaving Cert or start talking about going to college on the other side of the country. Basically try and get her to look forward to a young and single future.

Might also be an idea to comment on any bratty behaviour you see from little kids in front of her, comments like "imagine being responsible for bringing that little boll*x into the world?!" etc.

embee

As someone who is about to have her first child in around 2 weeks or so, at the age of 25, I can tell you this...

Even on a fiscal level, bringing a child into the world costs an absolute fortune. The amount of time and money you will invest in your child before he/she even arrives is staggering. Sure, there are benefits from the Government, but even so, trying to bring a child up on benefits alone is very, very difficult. I'm in the more fortunate position that myself and my boyfriend are both in full-time work, and I qualify for Maternity Benefit. Your friend wouldn't as, at 16, she won't have paid any PRSI contributions. She's only 16. Without a Leaving Cert, she is going to find it very, very difficult to get even a reasonably paid job. Then of course, if she does get a job, the astronomical costs of childcare are something she needs to seriously look into. She may have a notion that her family will help her with this but if she's only 16, chances are her parents are still in the workforce too and won't have the time she imagines they will have to dedicate to minding their grandchild. Heck, I'm 9 years older than her and my parents still have 20 odd years in the workforce each ahead of them.

According to the midwife who runs my ante-natal classes, 16 year old girls' bodies are not fully developed and as such, they have harder times with pregnancy, labour and delivery that an older woman won't. She will be more likely to need a Caesarian section, will take longer to recover from a natural childbirth etc, and, if the father of her child decides not to stick around (as so often is the case with teenagers) she will find it very, very difficult to cope.

Her friends, whilst good intentioned, may not stick around. They'll be going off to college, getting into work etc... She'll see all of her friends living the life that she won't get to lead. Its difficult to see your friends all moving away and growing apart from you.

I doubt that having a child will "ruin" her life as such, but it'll change things immeasurably for her. When I was 16, I thought that, by the time I was 25, I'd have gone through college, gotten a degree and would be teaching or doing something completely different to how things are. My jobs okay - it pays the bills, is paying for the endless detritus that seems to gather when you get pregnant, but its a means to an end. I didn't stay in college for a host of reasons, but my life wasn't ruined by it. I'm lucky though. I've been in a relationship with the father of my baby for 3 years, and I am very very certain that we have a great future together, but it has taken me 3 years to get to this comfortable point in our relationship. I've also got the benefit of hindsight to a greater extent than your friend does, merely because of age and life experience.

Ultimately, it is her decision, but she needs to think practically about what it will mean to the rest of her life to start a family at such a young age. I wouldn't condemn her for it, absolutely not, but I would confide in someone else who is close to her, perhaps if she has an older sibling? Or maybe her parents, depending on what type of people they are. I'm sure they'd be shocked to know that their 16 year old child (and I don't call her a child in a condescending manner - nevertheless, thats what she is) wants to have a child of her own. Whilst you say she is stubborn, she has possibly confided in you about this because she thinks you'll react less explosively than her parents might, were she to tell them. In this instance, I think that a little bit of tough love may be in order. Her parents could be more likely to have an impact on her decision, purely because of the reaction they'll show her. They'll shout, they'll be angry, they'll "lay down the law", so to speak, and, if it were me, I would be more influenced by my parents reactions than those of a friend.

Devon

Assuming the boyfriend is over 18 and she's still underage, there would be a possibility for him to be charged with statutory rape or worse, child rape... even if she didn't object to the sex, she's legally too young to make that decision. I also suggest she waits for more reasons that I have the time to list.

boards_bitch wrote:

recently my best friend confided in me that she wants to have a baby. she only 16 and has been with her boyfriend for over a year.

i dont really know what to say to her, i dont want her to ruin her life but she is also the most stubborn person i know so i doubt she will listen anyway.

ive known her boyfriend for years and he is a decent guy and would stick around if she did get pregnant but this is hardly the ideal situation for either of them.

what should i do i dont wanna cause a fight but she needs to see shes not ready for a baby what should i say? thanks

Ickle Magoo

Do you both know anyone who has a baby and would be willing to let your friend babysit for a day? That should dispell whatever rosy notions she has of motherhood! I looked after my baby nephew for a couple of hrs when I was younger & I was exhausted....made me realise pretty quickly how big a task parenting is.....

I am now married and am expecting No2 soon - I have a husband and a settled family life and as embee says, it is still REALLY tough going....I can't imagine how difficult life must be for young, single mothers - I don't think I could cope on my own, anyway....

I don't know your friends motivation for wanting a baby but I doubt it is the right one.....there are so many more fun and exciting things for a young woman to do than change nappies and pace the floor all night with a windy baby - she has plenty of time for experiencing those joys!.....it's not all feeling a nice kick from the bump & buying cute clothes - it's bloody hard work.....someone with some experience of motherhood needs to sit your friend down and have a serious chat with her.....hth

dundalk cailin

i babysat a family of 3 children when i was 14, 15, 16. one of the children was a 1 year old when i started, i used to be exhausted after minding them, but it gave me valuable experience, helped me grow up a bit, and make me realise i wanna be in my 20s at least before having a child, i want to have my home and job set up first, and of course a loving relationship.

Zombrex

There was a show about this on Ricky Lake a few years back (hey, I was in college, midday TV was my primary form of entertainment ), where they had these bunch of 12-16 year old girls and their mothers. The girls all said as soon as they can they were going to get pregnent because they wanted a baby. They seemed to want a baby in the same way a teenager wants a puppy or a new pair of shoes. A common theme was they wanted someone to love them and they wanted someone to look after. Which is more a reflection on their slightly messed up mental state (they were teenagers after all) than a valid reason to have a baby at 16.

Ricky arranged for them to have some kinda of week where they had to go through what it was like to actually raise a child, the sleepless nights, waking up at 4am to feed, not having a social life, etc etc. Surprise surprise none of them wanted a baby after that.

To the OP, you are probably right there is not much you can do, but it sounds like your friend has very romantic ideas about what having a baby will be like, and is possibly doing it for quite selfish and naive motives. I guess all you can to is point that out to her (if you agree with the assessment) and hope she sees the problems.

Or tell her boyfriend what she is planning, I doubt he would be up for it.

LegacyUser

Two of my friends, lets call them jack and jill, they wre a bit older then your friend, Jill was 19, Jack was 21.
Anyhow, Jack tells me that they had an accident and the morning after pill was needed, and he didn't know what to do because Jill was refusing to take it.
She informed him, that she quite liked the idea of having a child, and having a baby wouldn't be the end of the world, for either of them.

Jack responded the lines of, it woudl be the end of my world, as I know it, I am in college, I want to travel, I really don't want a baby right now, and if we can put an end to this now with the morning after pill, why won't you do that?

Jill just totally refused, Jack nearly pulled his hair out with the stress, eventually I stepped in, spoke to Jill, she was also in college and had a promising future ahead of her, so suggested Mornign after pill may be the best option.

(now keep in mind that at this stage no one could even know if she was pregnant)

Anyhow, end of the story is she eventually took the morning after pill and herself and jack broke up not long afterward, and I have a feeling that with or without a baby, your friend is not going to be with this guy for life, and a baby will only complicate matters massively!!!!