Am I just crazy?

LegacyUser

**Sorry in advance for the long post**


Before I start, I should probably point out that there's a history of mental illnesses in my family (mostly depression, manic depression), and it's pretty conclusive that I have something. I even know myself I do, but that's for another time (hopefully not anyway). Dunno, might have something to do with this.

So here's the deal:

My girlfriend, whom we'll call Jane, (we've been together about 2 months) has a really close friend, we'll call him Tom, who is also a close friend of mine.
Anyway, Jane spends a lot of time with Tom, and is really very fond of him. Any joke comment about me inflicting pain on Tom or some such act, results in various forms of "Don't!" etc.

Tom's known Jane longer that I have, and he likes her too (as a friend, he has a girlfriend). Now this might just be me, and I hope it is, but I get the feeling she cares more about him than me. I mean, she tells him she loves him (plutonically..spelling?) on a regular basis, and goes out of her way to keep him more or less happy. She doesn't cancel me for him, but she'll do things like insist we go to his place because he feels somewhat lonely. And defend him should I get annoyed or pissed off with him about something.
The same will happen with him, except when he's around, he doesn't leave, no matter the amount of hints I drop!

Now I know she likes me, she's said it time and again, and she even said she loved me a few days ago. I said it back, but thinking on it - it was more of a spur of the moment thing. Although I am crazy about her, no doubts there.
Another thing is, Jane and Tom have a lot more in common than we do (more or less just music, etc).

I know I sound incredibly paranoid when I say this, but I think she's actually in love with Tom (they nearly got together a while back, but Tom had just gotten together with his current girlfriend).
It's just the way things seem, and as a result of it I feel like I'm starting to dislike Tom.
Things he does like throw some insults (he's a great sense of humour, and the insults are our thing, messing about like) have really started getting to me, when they wouldn't have in the slightest a while ago. I think I'm seeing him as a threat or something, and it's really annoying me because I don't want to lose either of them. And I know if I lose Tom, I've lost Jane. Which is the last thing I want to happen.

The question to all this is, does it sound somewhat right? Or am I just paranoid/crazy?
Sorry again for the long post, I think I just needed some mental clarity aswell.

AngryBadger

Crazyinsane wrote:

And I know if I lose Tom, I've lost Jane. Which is the last thing I want to happen.

You know this? For a fact? If that's actually true, I'd bail, bail like the wind.

More helpful thought, is the idea that you say all this to her. Cliché I'll grant you, but this doesn';t sound like a manic depression issue, or a history of mental illness issue. it sounds like you're not secure in the relationship, (for whatever reasons), and you need to address that with her. Mention that you feel like they have a relationship that you can't have with her, and it makes you wonder if she really wants to be with you?

Although there's something else about your post that's bugging me.

Crazyinsane wrote:

they nearly got together a while back, but Tom had just gotten together with his current girlfriend

How long ago is a "while back", are we talking when you were with her? That's something that definitely needs to be looked at. If there's a history between herself and "Tom", then yeah, it's worth mentioning the problem to her.

Faith

You've been together for 2 months. That's hardly a long term relationship. Would you feel the same way if Tom was female? Jane just sounds like a really good friend who cares a lot about Tom. Just because they hang out, get on well and have similar interests doesn't mean she's interested in him. I'd behave the same way as Jane with my friends, male or female.

My advice: You're certainly not crazy but you're overly jealous. I'd be more worried about driving Jane away by getting worked up over Tom. Accept that Tom is her friend and he's been in her life longer than you have. There's nothing you can do to change that.

Any joke comment about me inflicting pain on Tom or some such act, results in various forms of "Don't!" etc.

This certainly isn't a good idea! You'll piss her off and it may result in you driving her away.

Again, just ACCEPT that Tom's her friend. There's nothing productive you can do other than that.

jimmycrackcorm

I used to be Tom and I had a friend(girl) I knew for years. We had actually gone out in the early times then lost contact and reestablished a close relationship just like you described. Her boyfriend wasn't altogether impressed with me and turned up at parties when he found out that I would be attending.

However at this stage myself and Mary were basically very very close friends and that was all it was going to be. So I don't think you have anything to worry about.

But then again maybe she is just biding her time until he is free - who knows?

megameaty

I don't think you're being paranoid. I think you're being completely normal. I mean I'd feel a bit jealous if my boyfriend was telling other girls he loved them....I know she says it's platonic and maybe it is. Maybe its not though. I dont think anyone here can answer that.

I started to become best buds with my boyfriends best friend. We'd do loads of things together even when my boyfriend wasn't around. It was completely platonic but my boyfriend said to me that he was a little worried i liked his friend more than him because we have so much in common (and my boyfriend is honestly the least jealous guy ever). So my point is anyone would feel that way, but just cause you think they get on better that mightn't be how she feels about the situation. I think my boyfriends best friend is great, but when it comes down to it I adore my boyfriend and love him more than anything.