suicidal urges

LegacyUser

I dont usualy post on here that often but im going to go unregisterd anyway.

For a few years now i have been suffering with depression and sever anxiety disorders i have been up and down emotionaly and physicaly since since all this happend to me i was unable to eat and when i did i couldnt keep the food down
i feel sick all the time.
i would never leave the house but i try to get out even if its just to walk around these days.i lost almost all of my friends i just blocked them out of my life and my family life fell apart as well we were never a close family but there was a lot of family problems going on over the years with illness alcoholism and drug abuse.

When i was in school i was bullyed very badly i had zero confidence in myself from a young age being pulled away from my child hood home and friends i found it very hard to connect with people as we moved alot, so i found it hard to make friends after we moved to a new and i joined secondery school and being bullied at home by an alcoholic step father.
When i was in school people would take my books and hit me they use to gang up and cover me in spit and degrade me, teachers would never do anything to help me girls were interested in me but i wouldnt go out with them i felt to degraded and didnt want it to get worse so i just tried to fade away and be unseen.
I got mixed up with drugs and for a while and drank heavy from the age of 14
and was very self distructive till about the age of 19 when i started to calm down, i dont drink anymore only rarely anyway and stay away from the drug sceen.

My mother got diagnosed with ms when i was in school and i wasnt really sure what it was at the time all these things compiling on each problem after problem had me very depressed and i felt isolated as i had no family to turn to my sister was thrown out of he house and our family disowned us over my mothers boyfriend she met when i was about seven, he was abusive and an alcoholic among other things.

when i was around 20 i everything was finaly going ok i was in college doing what i liked but working so i fell behind everyone else it was a demanding course i eventualy droped out and just stayed working till an incident in work which has left me suffering with sever anxiety and panic attacks this is around the time i started to loose my friends as i wouldnt tell anyone what was happening to me or how i was feeling i now only have 2 or 3 friends who i am intouch with.

ive been up and down now for a few years like this since the incident in work and just feel so numb i get no pleasure from anything i rarely laugh and i seen a few shrinks and they wanted me to go to a ward for a while
,ive been on medications to no avail they always made me feel worse so i went and tried to do stuff myself with out the meds and i was doing good for a while but then i hit a slump one panic attacks throws it all out the window and i fall into a deep depression and its been so long since i felt happy i am just feeling the urge to die its all i can think about recently i dont want to tell my mother because she is ill and if she knew i dont think she could handle it we have been through so much crap.The only reason i think i havent killed myself by now is that i couldnt do that to my family cause we only had each other for so long.

at this point in my life im only in my 20's, i feel my life has been so **** i cant really take the way i feel anymore im tierd of feeling sick and vomiting when i leave the house and the feelings of chokeing being unable to get on a bus or in car i feel so useless as a human being ive got nuthing to show for my life. ive had them for to long i see a therapist and some other shrinks weekly but havent seen anyone since before the x mas.

But none of this has done anything for me they make me fill out a stupid sheet and play a dam relaxtion cd the other one gives me some question sheets to fill out i swear he thinks im a nutter it had questions like "do you think the goverment monitors you and do you see letters and numbers backwards".im just so tierd of all this crap i just almost get back to normal and then im pulled back down into this hole.
and this being the new year and all i just dont know if i could take another year like this.......

anyway thanks for reading i just needed to vent my feelings.

dlofnep

You sound like you've had a not so nice life. I'm sorry things aren't going well for you right now. Trust me, suicide is not an option. When you are dead, that's it.. It's all over for you. You're worm food.

Try find a hobby or something.. I get down sometimes over alot of things but I find things to do to keep my mind off of it. What do you like to do or want to do?

LegacyUser

i was into art and design
i was offerd work doing this but it was in another country and i find it hard to leave the house most days so i had to turn it down,ive lost all interest in things i use to enjoy i havent done any art/graphic work in a few years i just lost my drive for it...and it was a once in a lifetime offer aswell il probaly never get again i dont really want to give to meny details cause i dont want people i know who use this to figure out who i am.

LegacyUser

I'm in a similar situation. I'm a male in my late 20's and i'd say its been 10 years since i woke up and looked forward to the day. Anxiety has crippled me and even though i've managed to go back to college i can't connect with anyone in my class because of the anxiety and i feel like a complete social failure. Like you i dabbled in drugs for a couple of years in my late teens/early 20's because of family problems and low self esteem due to bullying by my father and nasty personal comments that were made to me in secondary school on a regular basis. The thing is, i often get hit on by girls and i just clam up and can't even look them in the eye. Its fookin retarded that i can't even have a normal conversation with a female without feeling very uncomfortable and edgy.

I've found that medication didn't work for me and just made me feel tired all the time which ironically fuelled my depression and anxiety although i did have more motivation strangely enough. I quit medication 2 years ago and decided to go the natural root, i.e the gym a couple of times a week and i play for my colleges football team. I cut down on the drink, especially drinking on my own and began eating healthy food. It has helped me but i still have the anxiety on a daily basis. Its a constant battle to keep myself relaxed when i'm around people and it does wear me down at times but if you feel suicidal then vigorous exercise has worked for me. I used to feel suicidal but the exercise mixed with herbal alternatives to medication has counteracted these destructive thoughts and i'm not up and down like a yoyo anymore. 5HTP is one supplement i use, good for depression IMO, might be worth investigating.

I had to laugh when you mentioned about the questions you were being asked by the so called mental health professionals "do you think the government monitors you". I was asked similiar bull**** questions when i was being screened for medication. Most of them really haven't got a breeze what they're talking about, they just ask you these ridiculous questions and then put you on a dose of meds and tell you to come back in 6 weeks.

I'd say you should really consider some herbal alternatives and regular exercise. I'm sure you know this already but i haven't found a quick fix and i've tried self medication, prescribed meds, counselling (somewhat helpful), exercise/herbal meds (keeps me reasonably sane). I know what your going through mate and i wish you all the best in getting your head together. Its far from easy but it will get better if you give yourself a chance and i'd knock the suicide option on the head rather sharpish, you have a lot more to live for than you are currently aware of. Depression has a habit of clouding this.

dlofnep

Feelingnumb wrote:

i was into art and design
i was offerd work doing this but it was in another country and i find it hard to leave the house most days so i had to turn it down,ive lost all interest in things i use to enjoy i havent done any art/graphic work in a few years i just lost my drive for it...and it was a once in a lifetime offer aswell il probaly never get again i dont really want to give to meny details cause i dont want people i know who use this to figure out who i am.

Ok buddy. Listen, you need to push away the negative things in your life. if you sit and complain about life all day, it will drive you crazy. Believe me I know. First thing for you to do is to go out to an art course or something.. I'm not an art person so I'm not sure, but something you can do to get you to meet some people. All you need now is a friend that you can talk to and go out for a beer with. A girlfriend will clear you right up, but first you need to get out an socialise and have fun with your life. I understnad you've had a bad childhood, but forget about it. it's done and dusted.. Look to the future.. in a few years you'll be married with kids and be so happy with life you'll never understand why you ever wanted to end it.

Get through this dark time, you can do it buddy. I'm sure of it. If you ever need an ear, just drop me a message. I'm always willing to talk.

dlofnep

Postingunreg, that's a great idea. Excercise does make you feel alot better. Not only physically but mentally. Maybe go for a swim or something once or twice a week and hit up a gym. I go to the pool sometimes before work to detress me as it tends to do my head in give it a try.

Victor

Feelingnumb, you sound like you have nobody to talk to, is there anyone? Even if its simple stuff like "I had a lousy day at work!" or "did you see the football last night?".

Talk to someone. Whether its saying "hi" to afamiliar face in the shop or the postman or creating a dialogue here (here won't be as good) or if you want

Contact Information:
Samaritans
To contact your nearest branch simply select a region on the map available on the website at
www.samaritans.org/talk/local_branch.shtm

Tel (Republic of Ireland): 1850 60 90 90

Dublin Branch
Usual hours open to receive callers: 10 am - 9 pm
112 Marlborough Street,Dublin 1,
Phone: 01 872 7700

E-mail: jo@samaritans.org
Web: www.samaritans.org

If you feel the professionals working with you aren't resolving the situation, then try explaining this to them.

LegacyUser

thank you for all the helpfull replys.

i am trying my best to get out more but its hard to get motivated when you get so down, i am waiting on some clinic guy who sets up some type of group meetings for people who suffer with anxiety problems so i mite give that a try,
my therapist tho kinda keep brining up some kind of "ward" they think i shold go to for a while...but i dont think i like the sound of that option.

i would like to try going to a gym but i get very bad around groups of people and im not sure if would be a good idea id probaly end up droping a dumb bell on my balls or sumthing lol...

anyway thanks alot for the postive and helpfull replies this has really cheered me up thank you

Victor

FeelingNumb wrote:

my therapist tho kinda keep brining up some kind of "ward" they think i shold go to for a while...but i dont think i like the sound of that option.

There are some day centres about that do education courses for people with mental health problems. They do things like health education, mental health education, occupational therapy (cooking, art, crafts), stress management, etc. It can also help you and the staff to recognise what triggers you off.

Make your own enquiries or send me a PM.

LegacyUser

Hey,
I can seriously understand your situation. Im in my twenties, and on medication and basically have a scrap yard of family life too. Came from an abusive home and lived in ridicule one day it would be great next day depressing place.
School nightmare!
Zero friends and its still the case.
I believe along with my undetected problems I was misguided in life and now I cant manage life in my 20's. tonight i feel suicidal, yesterday i felt great. Most days I feel great, but then I start thinking of my current situation.
I take medication too and suffer from anxiety. I rarely feel depresion though. But I feel really low about myself and feel like everyone is better I hate myself but like myself. Dunno how to make sense with that but.
You are like me and it's **** coz we probably wouldn't get along if we knew each other, but I'd sure as hell prefer to be friends with you rather than some d(khead who will ditch me for a more popular friend and make me feel even worse about myself.
well I;ll remember you're post. Keep in there coz there's more like you out there living life too.