Friday Tips

Highlander

Ø Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Ø Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

Ø An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Ø Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Ø Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

Ø Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Ø High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Ø Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

Ø A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Ø Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

Ø At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Ø Girls: Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you starkers.

Ø Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Ø Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

Ø Housewives: I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

Ø Don’t invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.