Am i a bad person for hating family with a passion?

LegacyUser

Hi guys, i wanted to get some things off my chest. I am 22 and i am a student. During my school years i didnt pay attention in school (i did a bit), and never saw the benifit of learning. When i left school, i did a cert in computers which gave me a thirst for knowlege and a need to do well in college. Im nearly at my masters in computers science, and you could say i have come a long way from what i was before. I have goals set and nothing will stand in my way of achieving them - even a social life.

I dont work (wow, shock horror, a 'lazy' student), and i dont plan to while i am in the college term, for me the college term is for learning, not getting drunk. I work in the summer, save my money and spend it wisely during the college term. I dont ask for much, infact, i dont ask for anything at all, anything i want i get myself, and i really go out of my way for my friends (you have no idea).

My mam and dad keep on at me for not getting a job. Me not having a job isnt effecting them in anyway what so ever. I sit in my room as i am now, study, play a few games, make posts on the internet then i go play in a band with my friends.

My sister and I never got on, she is 25 and has a 3 year old kid(my god daughter), and the father is in the uk(he does his part, but my parents dont care, he should be here in ireland, its very messy you dont need to know anything more).

Why is it that i get the short end of the stick every time something arises? My sister never gave my parents much respect, she went to college, dropped out after 1 year, moved out at 19, had a kid at 22 (my age atm). My mam is always going on about how much she worries for my god daughter.

Further more, my parents are helping support the child(understandable). 1/2 nights of the week my sister struts into the house with the 3 year old, and insists my mother stay in and mind her while she goes out and gets locked. Every morning.. EVERY F*KN MORNING that kid comes in at 9 am and screams down the house. let me just bring to light that in the last week i have had exams, and been studying from 9am till 12:30ish AM every day(12+ hours), litterally. I am mentally and physically drained. I feel that the only reason that my sister is in the house is to pass the burdon of having to look after a 3year old onto my mother (again).

Now, as i said earlier, my parents are on at me to get a job, but as i said, i dont ask them for anything more than the occasional packed lunch at exam time and a loan of a 5er for petrol, which i will pay back.

Another thing, i dont get talked to in my house, i get given out to - all the time. The only person i can have the odd talk with is my dad. Even the 3 year old gives out to me, and she doesnt know why.

I have plenty more, but first i want to make sure that im not insane by reading the response that i get here.

Am i a bad person for litterally hating my sister? Am i wrong in thinking that she is using my mother and passing the burdon of raring a child on to her? Shes downstares at the moment getting sick into a toilet, and it wouldnt surprise me if she was out drinking last night.

LegacyUser

sibling wrote:

Me not having a job isnt effecting them in anyway what so ever.

sibling wrote:

Am i wrong in thinking that she is using my mother and passing the burdon of raring a child on to her?

Mate, grow up.

Slutmonkey57b

No - what you're feeling is totally normal. What you maybe need to do is recognise that bottling this up isn't doing you any good. If you do that, you'll end up exploding or having a counter-productive argument with all parties. Your parents may well be on at you to get a job because they're feeling the pressure from looking after their grandchild and are feeling that if you're still a student at home at your age, then you're not "pulling your weight", regardless of whether this is accurate.

You also need to sit down with your sister and get her to address her own behaviour. She obviously needs support with the kid, but support in terms of freedom to go out on the piss isn't it.

This isn't fair at all. Obviously your sister is getting preferential treatment, and taking advantage of your parents while you are asking for the bare minumum and get given out to. Most of the people I know don't work during the college term, I don't because I just don't have enough time left to study and go to classes. It would be one thing if your parents just couldn't afford to have you in the house, but if your sister and her kid are there, it's totally unreasonable not to have you as well. Tell them how you feel.

C_Breeze

man , u shoudlnt hate your sister , serisously a lot of people let the mothers look after their children- and grandparents enjoy caring for their grandchildren.

your sis seems fine , it seems you just have a grudge with her because your parents are nicer to her than you .

TBH your parents SEEM like Dickheads. You seem like a good son , and are working on a masters - they should be really proud.

My parents always insit that i take 20E from them for petrol and when i want to pay it back , theyre like dont worry about it. My point is you parents should be more encouraging to you and trying to make your life a lot easier especially while studying for a masters .

elle

Nah its totally understandable. I'm around same age as yourself, in college. Work 2-4nights a week as well as college every day. When I was in school I worked all summer then that money got me through the year. Now I support myself totally, bought a car, laptop, take care of my own bills etc.

My sister is younger, in her final year school, doesn't work. Worked a bit during the summer, has no money left. Mam gives her 50e week for school lunch(which she spends on cigarettes)Gets 20e+ a week in pocket money and get money when she goes out. She wanted t do a course a while back so they paid the 900euro for her, she was so hesitant about paying back that theytold her to forget about it.

I'm living at home coz can't afford rent and am the only person in the house with a visa, parents borrowed it in november and still owe me the 400e. When I said it to them dad said you'd think id just pay it and not say anything considering all they've done for me over the years!!400 may not seem like a lot but when your supporting yourself through college on a part time wage it can mean a hell of a lot!!

So yeah I pretty much totally sympathize with ya, and I've gone through the hate phase. Right now I'm in a position where I've come to realize (over the past yr or so) that my parents and family aren't the great people I thought they were growing up and that while I love them(coz I have to) I am actually capable of living my life without them, in fact I'd prob be better of!!

Suppose what I'm saying is try let it go over your head, if you don't it'll just eat away at you, make you bitter and you'll end up being seen as the enemy. You're only there for another few years, just do your own thing and don't let it get to you!!!

projectmayhem

what you're suffering from is what's commonly known in the "biz" as "life"

JohnCleary

Move out lad, I couldn't stand my house. I'm in college, and had to get a part time job to help pay the rent, but its worth it. Can't beat having your own place.

I'm 19 and a first year student. I'm always skint but id prefer to be skint, sitting in my apartment chillin', rather than having some money and shuddering everytime I enter my house

hollyhamill

dude not tryin 2 b horrible cus dat aint wat u need but every 1 has d same type o problems as u , d only diff s dat most people have somebody apart from their pc to giv out abou it 2 , u say u aint got much of a social life , dats a real pity cus u need 2 get some close m8s sham!

try ur best not 2 keep things bottled up so much and why not have a chat wit ur ma, maybe u get so much given out to becaus ur so anti social and lock urself away so much, u r doin brill in college which prob means ur folks did at least 'ok' in bringing you up and it sounds like you have not really repayed em yet! do to others as you would have done on to you! as 4 d sis , maybe there is a bit of rivalry bcos she could hav a few pangs o jealousy? she didnt even finish college and you are doin a bloody masters!


life is wat u make it nd u shud make it happier

always here 4 a cht
holly x)

Victor

I think calling yourself a bad person may not be right. There are people and some people do bad things. This does not make them bad people.

nobodythere

Out of curiousity, if you don't work, where do you get the money to pay them back?

segadreamcast

On the front of your parents on at you to get a job, I'll try and explain my theory...

Your parents are from a different generation. One where not working is equated with laziness and short-term money is, essentially, key.

You, on the other hand, are more concerned with long-term gain and plan in years rather than weeks, thus working in Summer, earning money for the year and then studying towards your degree.

There is an 'ideological clash' on this front - and it's not because your parents hate you essentially, it's just because they don't understand you. A long, logical talk might iron things out but - otherwise - perhaps moving would be for the best. If you sort out this issue though, I think the others (RE: your sister) will be sorted out to an extent too.

Your parents are different from you. Don't hate them for that. And certainly don't consider yourself a bad person for it either.

LegacyUser

cantlogin - please go elsewhere. thx

I should have mentioned the fact, that i understand single parents need help with raising their children, and i am ok with that. However, i am not how ever ok with the single parent being supported fulltime, and giving the responcibility to someone else, having a house bought for her that she barely uses. My sister cant even fill a skip, she uses (lets call the child 'pop') pop as an excuse to not do ANYTHING. I nearly broke my knee the other week, and me to dump her christmas tree, when i said i was in pain, i suggested i minded pop, and she did it - i was called alot of derogatory names relating to being lazy from my mother and sister. Thats not right now is it? Anytime i try reason, or show my mother the light in the subject, she dismisses me

Slutmonkey57b - fair point, and i dont mind her going out for a few, but i do mind the fact she sometimes heads out friday/saturday, which in turn ruins my mother weekend.

C_Breeze - My parents offer me money too, but only when i do something good, like graduation, i asked for 50 for the night, they threw 150, which was nice.

elle - i've thought about what you've said and put myself in that situation many a time. I dont plan to live off of my parents, but dispite how much crap i get, i love them to pieces.

projectmayhem - thanks for the great input, ill make sure i jot that down in my book of expected replies.

JohnCleary - My girlfriend has her own house, i can move in anytime i want, and she would 'look after me' as such while im in college. I dont want to simply because at this moment in time, i am focused on study for the first time in my life, and moving in with her, would lead to lack of work. I know i sound like a stiff arse, but i repeated one year in college, and it was the biggest waste of time in my life, dont want to repeat any college again

hollyhamill - i never said i had no social life as such, if i did, i didnt mean to say that, sorry. I have loads of friends, who i make time for. I am in a band, i jam every wednesday night from 6-12, and every satruday from 12-12. All my friends understand me, and support my choise. They also know im not a deadbeat sponge, and that the way i am at the moment, is short term. yea i suppose there is mild jealousy, but its only from stating the obvious, my dad agrees to a certain extent too. Thanks for the reply

Victor - cheers?

grasshopa - i work in the summer, save my money and use it during the college term. My dad runs a business, and i help him out the odd time at weekends doing harsh work, i take the average wage for that and i am a good spender.

NoelRock - good post, infact its pritty accurate. My dad does understand me, but like most relationships, he is sweyed by my mother.

I failed to mention that i live in an 'upper-middle' class area. My dad works very hard, 6am till 8pm every day, sometimes the weekends too. If one of his employees needs a week off, he gives him it, and hits the road and does deliveries that even I ache and pain from. My parents are both 55, and dont need that(hence me helping him out at weekends). Were not short of money, but we dont have lots of it. My dad drives a flash car and invests in property and so on, so that gives you an idea of where my family is at. I have been offered to take over the family business but turned it down because i wanna make it on my own, not off of daddy. I saved up for a new car, and got 'did daddy get you that'. Thats the exact reason i am how i am at this moment in time. My sister is the complete opposite side of the coin, she will take anything offered with a 'oh no its ok, well, if you insist' approach to it.

Thanks for all the replies

OMcGovern

sibling wrote:

I work in the summer, save my money and spend it wisely during the college term. I dont ask for much, infact, i dont ask for anything at all, anything i want i get myself......

My mam and dad keep on at me for not getting a job. Me not having a job isnt effecting them in anyway what so ever.

Why is it that i get the short end of the stick every time something arises?

I agree with "cantlogin"....... grow up.
A family is a cooperative... ye should all be doing what you can to help.
You "think" that you're not taking anything from the family, so you don't have
have to give anything back.... but you're wrong.

You cost your parents extra money in food, electricity, heating, cleaning etc.
And you're parents probably work, help look after their grandchild etc....
They would be grateful for a financial contribution to the house, and also do a
bit of work around the house, cleaning, chores whatever.

During my 5 years of college (admittedly a decade ago), I had to work summers ( and give my parents 1/3 of my wages )
During college term, I worked weekends during college, 2 x 13 hour days of barwork and was allowed to keep 100% of that towards busfares etc....

You're spoilt...... but don't worry, all guys go through that phase.
It's only when you actually get a job and start paying "real rent" to a landlord that you'll realise what a sweet deal you had.

Dave!

Yeah, I agree, you need to grow up and stop trying to get attention like a spoilt child. It just sounds like you're jealous of your sister and the fact that because of her child she needs and gets more of your parents' support.

I think you should get a job and move out as soon as you can, or else maybe offer to babysit your god daughter once in a while and let everyone have a break. Imagine how your sister feels, she's still young, and now she has this kid to deal with and take care of. Of course she wants to still go out (although dropping everything on your parents is OTT) and stuff! She just needs to accept that her life is different now that she has the kid, and she has to accept the responsibility. And also think of how your parents feel -- their kids are all grown up, almost graduated, they can stop worrying about ye, etc., and then along comes a kid, and they have so many things to worry about at the one time: you kids, the new child, their jobs, etc etc etc. It'll take its toll if you don't stop being so self-centred and stick out your hand every once in a while!

I understand that you have your own problems, but they're your family, so you should give them a break or they'll resent you to bits. I would imagine that alot of the tension in the house would dissipate if you spent a night a week or a fortnight looking after the kid, let your sister go out with her friends, and let your parents go out for a meal or to the cinema.

Just a thought.

Nasty_Girl

I think there comes a time in everyone's life when they have to move out, so maybe this is your time.
My family drove me round the twist til I moved out. It's pretty normal, just focus on your studies.
if your ma is not going to stand up to your sister then that's her problem.
You get your qualifications, move away and then you'll find them a lot more tolerable and they will also be happier to see you from time to time.

LegacyUser

OMcGovern wrote:

I agree with "cantlogin"....... grow up.
A family is a cooperative... ye should all be doing what you can to help.
You "think" that you're not taking anything from the family, so you don't have
have to give anything back.... but you're wrong.

Did you read the part about me working for my dad? I do take money off of him when i need it for doing work. The majority of the time i dont. When i work for my dad, im doing a full days work (100 or so quid) for free. Sometimes giving up a saturday at the drop of a hat, as im just about to leave to go somewhere. Take the time to read my responces, then post pls. I do belive family is a cooperative, as i do my bit for it, the topic as such wasnt 'im being treated unfairly', i know i am, the topic was, I dont like my sister because she doesnt do ANYTHING and am i wrong for doing so. Please, stick to the topic before you try point your twisted finger at me.

OMcGovern wrote:

You cost your parents extra money in food, electricity, heating, cleaning etc.
And you're parents probably work, help look after their grandchild etc....
They would be grateful for a financial contribution to the house, and also do a
bit of work around the house, cleaning, chores whatever.

I understand that running a family costs money, but i pay my way. The fact that you said my parents 'probably' work prooves you havnt taken the time to read. Again, i do my bit.

OMcGovern wrote:

During my 5 years of college (admittedly a decade ago), I had to work summers ( and give my parents 1/3 of my wages )
During college term, I worked weekends during college, 2 x 13 hour days of barwork and was allowed to keep 100% of that towards busfares etc....

Again, read what i said. I work summers, save my money, and use it during the college term to pay my way, pay my insrance on MY car, pay for my petrol. All of which i did myself - READ MY POSTS.

OMcGovern wrote:

You're spoilt...... but don't worry, all guys go through that phase.
It's only when you actually get a job and start paying "real rent" to a landlord that you'll realise what a sweet deal you had.

Thanks for your input. Every point you just made can officially be thrown out the window as it all relates to me sponging off of my parents.

Is is that once people reach a certain age they think they have the right to analyse people with how they want to see them? You're gonna have to excuse my short fuse with you, as you did exactly what my mother does. Only picked out the bits you wanted to talk about, then went on and on at a dead end conversation simply because you didnt take the time to listen, only in this case, you didnt even find points, you made them up and went off the topic of the post so you could talk about how great you were for working a job during college, and during the summer - well done, welcome to the club.

Your last post is binned as far as i am concerned, please dont take my responce now as a picture of how i am. Start over, read the posts and replies, then make a structured post. Im not the lazy sh1t your making me out to be, infact, im quite the opposite.

I didnt come here to be slagged off. I came here for help and advice. You were a prime example of a person who see's one end of the subject, and doesnt bother to consider the real facts.

dont worry, chances are you will grow out of it tho... no wait, you grew into it because you paid your dues as a teenager.

Thanks a bunch.

Sorry to anyone i offended, i honestly didnt mean to give myself a bad image, but i am sick of being talked down to about a subject as touchy as my family when i ask for help. I honeslty dont see that i've done anything wrong to them. The topic is about me and my sister, so if people could kindly stick to the subject that would be great. Stop telling me how lazy you think i am, i am mentally and physically in shambles with the ammount of work i do in college and for my family, noone here has the right to judge me. Especially people like OMcGovern.

Kernel32

Your sisters relationship with your parents is their business. It may drive you nuts but like others have commented, you need to grow up a bit. Life is too short to waste energy on situations that will just leave you more frustrated. You also say you ask your parents for nothing but someone is providing a roof over your head, food and clothing. You are living a very privileged existence and many others would love to have your problems.

OMcGovern

You should've said that you only wanted young male twenty somethings, still living at home, to reply ( and by reply, you mean agree, with you )

Sounds like your parents are under pressure... your Dad is working hard to keep the business going. They are the ones who are telling you to get a job. ie. they don't think you are pulling your weight in the household. What do you expect here ? A petition of 20 people saying "Awwwhhh.... leave the poor lad alone?"

Your sister is going through a rough time, and you're being selfish and lazy.
You're angry cos it's the only way you know to try and overwhelm the guilt.
You go play in your room, while the grown-ups downstairs are talking.

Hagar

This thread is now officially an "asshole magnet".
It seems to be attracting them from miles around.

Blub2k4

I agree with some of the others, whether or not you can see it it's time to stop being so selfish and move over and let the younger generation have their bite at the cherry.

LegacyUser

OMcGovern wrote:

You should've said that you only wanted young male twenty somethings, still living at home, to reply ( and by reply, you mean agree, with you )

Sounds like your parents are under pressure... your Dad is working hard to keep the business going. They are the ones who are telling you to get a job. ie. they don't think you are pulling your weight in the household. What do you expect here ? A petition of 20 people saying "Awwwhhh.... leave the poor lad alone?"

Your sister is going through a rough time, and you're being selfish and lazy.
You're angry cos it's the only way you know to try and overwhelm the guilt.
You go play in your room, while the grown-ups downstairs are talking.

Ok, lets put it this way. I work around the house, i help my dad out when he needs help. I have my own money, and we as a family are financially secure. Any money that i would make during the college term, my parents would insist i keep. Its my fault, sorry, i didnt make that clear in my initial post. Now, on topic of me getting a job, its only so they can say to their friends 'ahh sure hes workin away in where ever'. Trust me on this, i will say it one last time, i have money, my parents wouldnt take money off of me, yes i have offered. No w, can we stick to the topic of the post? By, am i wrong for hating my family, i dont mean 'i hate my mother and father'. I mean, i hate my sister for being a lazy bitch. is that clear? Maybe im missing a point your putting out there or something... but i cant understand why you keep reverting to money when its got nothing to do with it. Sure my sister is going through a rough time, shes a single parent. Why should i pay for her mistakes, and why should i do everything for her?

Hagar wrote:

This thread is now officially an "asshole magnet".
It seems to be attracting them from miles around.

fun fun fun!

Kernel32 wrote:

Your sisters relationship with your parents is their business. It may drive you nuts but like others have commented, you need to grow up a bit. Life is too short to waste energy on situations that will just leave you more frustrated. You also say you ask your parents for nothing but someone is providing a roof over your head, food and clothing. You are living a very privileged existence and many others would love to have your problems.

Ok, its not like i have said 'i want money' to them? I dont ask them for anything! I do more than my fair share for the family. They provide a roof over my head, and pay the 20 quid leccy i run up every month. I buy my own food in college, and my own clothes (im 22, not 12 ). At least your post was more subtle, ill take heed of what you said.

Blub2k4 wrote:

I agree with some of the others, whether or not you can see it it's time to stop being so selfish and move over and let the younger generation have their bite at the cherry.

Ah, so im being selfish, thats it. Im being immature, selfish, lazy, and by the sounds of it arrogant.

Bulb, i cant see it. I cant see why, when all i do is study. At weekends i help my dad out. Drop my social life to help the family business. Struggle in college to do so. Pay my own way (other than rent and leccy bills). Even in summer, i work long hours from my 1 job, along side nixers fixing computers all over dublin, along with again, helping my dad out when he needs it. Sometimes even taking a few days off 'sick' to fill in for a driver.

I really must be blind to the facts that are hitting me cold in the face. My sister, who drops out of college, gets pregnant at the age of 22, gets her own house, doesnt work, gets fully supported by my father, and her fella in the uk at the same time. The fact that i have to do all her chores for her in a house that i dont live in. The fact that my mother minds the kid on weekends, and during the week, the fact that my mother is taking the full grunt of my sisters stupididty and mistakes. The fact that She can work, but chooses not to. The fact that her kid goes to day care from 10am till 4 pm, and all she does is sit in teh kitchen of our house drinking fking tea all day talking about her next trip to the gym WHICH for your information, my parents have to fuking pay for. My sister doesnt help out with the family business at all. My sister just has fun all the time. I also didnt mention the fact that she asks me on a regular basis ''any chance you have some mates who can get me some hash or somethin?'', just to make it easier on her when 'pop' is in bed to relax?

Yea, i can see how im being selfish. I work hard all day, and at the weekends to make life easier for, not my parents, not me - my sister. That is the topic of the conversation, not my income, my fathers income, what the weather is like in spain, me getting a proper part time job. Its 'am i wrong for hating my sister for her being so lazy'.

Then again, i must be missing all your valid points which relate to money situations.

Answer me that based on the lines of what i do, and what she does. please. just dont bother with money and all that jazz, just read those last points, and answer.

Thanks.