Looking for advice from some old, seasoned heads (longish!)

LegacyUser

I suppose I should start by saying that this isn't so much one of those 'I like this girl - what do I do???' threads, because I've already resolved to tell her that I do, next week. I'm more looking for advice on what she might be thinking, how badly my telling her might screw things up, and how to broach the topic with her.

Basically, I really like a girl I work with. We're both in our early-mid twenties. We work on a project team of about 15 people, and sit about 3/4 metres apart. She and my supervisor are best gal-pals, I get on pretty well with my supervisor but nothing like as close as those two. The project should be finishing up in the summer, so we'll be moving around to different departments then and won't see eachother nearly as much.

Now, because of the above I decided not to try and get involved with this girl - don't crap on your own doorstep etc. Unfortunately, what I tell my brain to do and what my brain does are often very different things. I've found myself reluctantly liking her more and more over the past few months, but I figured I could ignore it. Right up until Friday I thought that was achievable - I've hooked up with a couple of girls recently, and while I don't find myself particularly drawn to them, I was hopeful that something might develop in time.

I went to a big company party on Friday night. Spent most of the evening chatting to quite a nice girl (a different one to the main subject of this post) and loosely arranged to meet up for a more private drink sometime next week. I wasn't terribly excited, but again, maybe in time something might develop. Anyway, she had an early start on Saturday so she left relatively early. I went back to mingling with the rest of the crowd, feeling quite happy. I then noticed that the girl I have feelings for was absolutely blotto; so much so that she was having trouble standing up and was using people to prop herself up. One guy in particular was helping her stay standing. He then proceeded to guide her to a secluded spot around the corner from where everyone was standing, so that nobody would see them, and then tried to snog her. From what I could see they briefly snogged before she shrugged him off and staggered back to the bar.

This pissed me off. No. This REALLY pissed me off. I was fairly under the influence at this stage and knew that it was amplifying my feelings, but still I thought that I was much angrier than I should have been. I've realised that I care about her much more than I thought, and that simply sticking my head in the sand and hoping my feelings will just go away, plain isn't going to work. I felt a combination of jealousy and anger - towards the guy, not her. I don't like to see someone trying to take advantage of a person who is visibly barely able to stand, but i'd be lying if there wasn't jealousy in there too. I resisted the urge to deck the guy, and did my best to put it at the back of mind and calm down. It wasn't happening though, so I finished my drink and ****ed off home.

I need to get some sort of resolution on this, one way or the other. I expect it to be a negative outcome, but at least then i'll know for sure (past experience has lead me to be pessimistic in these sort of situations). It's strange - when we're in work together, we get on really well. When in social settings, we barely ever speak. In work we chat, have a laugh and generally get on really well. I playfully tease her a lot; she tries to tease me back but isn't very good at it . I guess I'd say that in work situations we've a nice and light, flirty rapport. The odd time when I go over to her desk or she comes over to mine, we'd chat and have really intense, constant eye contact - but that doesn't necessarily mean anything. But in the pub, we hardly ever speak. It hardly ever goes past a simple Alright, or Howarya?. All the light flirtyness goes straight out the window. I'm completely comfortable around her at work, but the opposite when we go out (I'm not sure why - nerves suddenly appear), so I figure she might be exactly the same (or just picking up on my discomfort and mirroring it), or alternatively, it may simply be that she was no interest in talking to me outside of a work situation.

Obviously, I could debate what she could be thinking in my head or on boards all day long and never be any closer to finding out whether she's interested or not, so I'll just have to bite the bullet and ask her. It could make things really awkward in work, but i'll be changing departments in a few months and I don't think I can keep bottling things up.

I'm just not quite sure how to broach the topic with her. I'm thinking I should email her and ask her if she'll grab a drink with me after work, during the week. I'd rather ask her in person, but there's a general lack of privacy around in the office and there's rarely any chance to talk alone. I thought about lunch but that'd be very uncomfortable if it went badly. Provided she agrees to meet me for a drink, I'm not sure how to tell her that I care about her without looking/feeling like a total spaz. I was brought up in a fairly emotionally closed off family, so I find it pretty difficult to talk about this kind of stuff - and when I do, I often find that I have the subtlety of a sledge hammer.

Any advice?

Fanny Cradock

an email is a bad idea, imo. there must be an opportunity of getting her alone at some point during the working day or directly after work to arrange something.

if all goes to plan, and you do meet, i wouldn't blurt how you feel straight away. "they do a really good carbonara here. oh, by the way, i love you...." i'd suggest testing the waters first before you commit yourself. by this i mean: if she agrees to seeing you outside the office, and you guys have a rapport, then try make it a regular thing. after a time, and if you guys get close, then say something.