Difficulty with friend

mountainyman

I have a good friend and we've been acquaintances for more than 20 years. I slept with her once in 1991 (we weren't really friends then). I didn't fancy her until after she got engaged, I was at her wedding.

About 2 years ago she was having some difficulty with her husband. He is older than her and was having an erectile dysfunction of some kind. Anyway she was going mad and asked me for no strings sex. I said no (though I very much wanted to say yes) and advised them to get counselling. Guess it worked because they have another kid now.

We see alot of each other (our kids are the same age) and we get on amazingly. We have a fantastic connection.

Recently she has been flirting with me outrageously (and very openly) so much so that I have left parties which we've attended together and that sort of thing. Before anything happens.

Last week she told me that if I didn't sleep with her we couldn't be friends.

I am strongly against adultery, but I see where she is coming from her husband is a dumb jock who doesn't appreciate her. I do appreciate her and she is responding to that.

Anyway I want to keep her as a friend so what should I do.

Canis Lupus

You tell her no or you throw your morals out the window. You are an adult, make the choice and live with the consequences.

BoozyBabe

I wouldn't give into her & I think she's being very unfair!

She obviously doesn't value your friendship very much if she can throw it away so easily!

Tell her to go sort out her marriage with her husband or leave him if he doesn't make her happy, but until she's free you're not interested.

She sounds like a manipulative b!tch to be honest.

You sound like a good honest trustworthy man. These are getting harder to find, so don't let her take your reputation from you.

Are you married also????

Beruthiel

mountainyman wrote:

Last week she told me that if I didn't sleep with her we couldn't be friends..

a friend?
you think a real friend would threaten you like this?

you have kids? are you also married?

aidan_walsh

BoozyBabe wrote:

I wouldn't give into her & I think she's being very unfair!

She obviously doesn't value your friendship very much if she can throw it away so easily!

Tell her to go sort out her marriage with her husband or leave him if he doesn't make her happy, but until she's free you're not interested.

She sounds like a manipulative b!tch to be honest.

You sound like a good honest trustworthy man. These are getting harder to find, so don't let her take your reputation from you.

Are you married also????

I'd be inclined to agree with most of that.

memphis

mountainyman wrote:

Last week she told me that if I didn't sleep with her we couldn't be friends.
.

There's your answer. Her marriage is obviously falling apart. She's having problems with her husband, and feels the need to escape.

She is trying to use you as an escape route. Don't fall for it. I recommend you cut all contact with her... Its not healthy for either of ye!!!

That's my 2 cent anyways!!!

Canis Lupus

It's not easy to cut of contact with someone you appreciate as a friend whether or not she makes unreasonable demands.

To be honest if he is so against adultery and they are such good friends he should be able to say no without a break of friendship.

LegacyUser

I'm seperated and have been for 3 and a half years. I split up with my wife because she had an affair (in a way she had the affair to force me to leave her). I don't want to cut off all contact with this woman, I want to stay friends with her.

I was at a party with her 2 weeks ago and she was telli ng people we were lovers (in a jokey way). I understand what is going on she wants to have her cake and eat it.

In a way I love this woman, I look forward to seeing her and so on as if we were lovers (almost) If I couldn't see her I'd really miss her. But to be responsible for splitting up a family?

How can I stay friends with her.

skywalker

Canis Lupus wrote:

You tell her no or you throw your morals out the window. You are an adult, make the choice and live with the consequences.

Sums it up nicely.

LegacyUser

Your not this womans friend.
If you were friends she would never tell you to put or or get out.
If you wont sleep with her you are of no use to her, she said so herself.
You think this 'friendship' is worth breaking up 2 relationships over?

Cop on!

crazymonkey

Canis Lupus wrote:

You tell her no or you throw your morals out the window. You are an adult, make the choice and live with the consequences.

I agree don't sleep with her,, it will ruin your friendship, and cause problems for everyone,

Nevyn

It's one of those things, some male/female friendships just can not last once one of the parties starts seeing the other as a possible sexual partner.
You need to be very cery clear with her and tell her 'no , not going to happen'.
Tell her you have too much respect for your and for your friendship and her carrying on in such a fashion demeans the both of you.

lazydaisy

I read her saying she couldn't be your friend very differently. I didnt read it as a threat. In that it maybe just too hard to be friends with someone who you lust after that intensely when it cant be requited.

Havent any of you have to let go of someone for that reason or be let go of?

You may just have to let go of each other for a little while.

I dont understand. Youve split up with your wife. So I'm guessing you dont want to be the third party in the marriage. You already are. The sex is just the manifestation of that. Perhaps shes left him already in her mind? You know like Macbeth said to his wife : Though ministerst me the way I were going.

Just a thought.

mountainyman

It is very much requited. There has been this spark there for a few years since we became really good friends. Now it has caught fire and we're both getting burned.

Should I just say 'I really value our friendship and I find you very attractive and interesting but I don't want to be responsble for splitting up your family.

Would that be OK?

MM

Slutmonkey57b

mountainyman wrote:

It is very much requited. There has been this spark there for a few years since we became really good friends. Now it has caught fire and we're both getting burned.

Should I just say 'I really value our friendship and I find you very attractive and interesting but I don't want to be responsble for splitting up your family.

Would that be OK?

MM

Absolutely. It's truthful, and it's not a rejection. She can't force you to do something you're not comfortable with.

LUNA...

I think this woman is using you as an excuse to get out of her marriage.
I'm not saying that her feeling aren't genuine for you but it seems to me like she
doesn't have the guts to tell her husband it's over and so thinks that having an affair with you will make him leave.

I think your right not to sleep with her while she is in a relationship.
All you can do is tell her where you stand on the situation and if she's a real friend, she'll respect you for that all the more.

Good luck with it.

Sleepy

Buy her a rambant rabbit and make a joke out of it?

jrey1981

I think you need to look at the likely consequences here and weigh up what suits you best.

You can sleep with her but you might get her husband knocking on your door one day thinking you are responsible for his wife leaving him. You risk being hurt again then if he somehow manages to persuade her to get back with him. Also there will be kids that will get hurt in the middle of all this.

Or you can tell her that you are not prepared to be given an ultimatum like this - if she thought that much of you I dont think she would do this. She is looking for some affection and appreciation when she is obviously not getting that at home, and this would imply she is looking at you as someone who can be used as such.

Nalz

sillysausage wrote:

Your not this womans friend.
If you were friends she would never tell you to put or or get out.
If you wont sleep with her you are of no use to her, she said so herself.
You think this 'friendship' is worth breaking up 2 relationships over?

Cop on!

put a bit blunty, but to the point and 100% correct

captainfuture

That woman is blackmailing you... doesn't sound like friendship to me at all.
Rather than putting you under such pressure to make decisions she should take matters into her own hands and sort this mess out.

lazydaisy

mountainyman wrote:

It is very much requited. There has been this spark there for a few years since we became really good friends. Now it has caught fire and we're both getting burned.

Should I just say 'I really value our friendship and I find you very attractive and interesting but I don't want to be responsble for splitting up your family.

Would that be OK?

MM

MM - Do you think it could be more than a spark? Do you think you may have serious feelings for each other?

Did you hear it as an ultimatum? Do you think it could possibly not have been? I would hesitate before wrting it off as one.

Do you think she would want the whole package with you and not just enough shags to get her through what seems to be a demoralising marriage?

Sometimes families dont get split up - they just get rearranged. I know that sounds very Woody Allen, but as a child of divorce and who had step parents and step siblings, I can vouch that it is true. And its an awful lot better than having two parents who hate each other.

mountainyman

I spoke to my friend.

We ended up having a big heart to heart about our feelings.

The upshot of it was that I told her that I didn't want to be responsible for splitting up her family. She told me I wouldn't be; that it would just be sex.

I told her I didn't think I would be able to keep emotions out of it.

I basically told her that if her relationship end it ends and I would be able to see her then.

I reccomended marriage guidance and told her if she needed to have an affair that was her business but I wouldn't be involved.

I suppose I was a bit cold. I would like to be more supportive but I just don't see how. A very unsatisfactory and upsetting turn of events.

MM

lazydaisy

MM - her marriage may end sooner than if you enabled it by supplying her with what is missing from what sounds like a false and perfunctory marriage.

Either way, you are protecting your feelings which is always wise.

Good for you. What you did took character.

Who knows, this may free space up in your life for someone to give you more.

Mexicola

Good decision man. You did the right thing....
Best of luck.

LegacyUser

i think u did the right thing 4 what its worth ...even if ye did get together i think u wud have a hard time trusting her and with all the guilt piled on also ..for "just sex"..not worth it