Relationship: What can I do

LegacyUser

Hi

Long time reader but anonymouse for now. I have been going out with this girl for the guts of a year and a half. She's mad about me, she tells me all the time she loves me and all that, but I dont think I feel the same anymore. I know this sounds awful but I dont think I fancy her anymore, and the relationship has gone flat for me. She wants to stay in Ireland and I want to go to London and do things that young people do. We are both in our early twenties. The difficult thing here is that she is mad about me. She is from outside of Dublin but lives here, near the city center, and we are not too far apart and we both have cars so we can get to see each other often enough.
The spark has gone out of the relationship from my side although she is still mad about me. She asks me do I love her and I have to say yes even though Im not sure I do. I cannot just come clean there I dont want to open a can of worms onto an akward situation with her and hurt her. I am a cowrd for doing that but no one is perfect. I dont know what to do. To be honest if it was an easy thing to do, then I would end it because its not fair being with someone you don't really want to be with anymore. I dont want to hurt her though. It would smack her in the face very hard if I was to suddenly end it with her, because she thinks things are going swimmingly. I dont want to hurt this girl. is there anyhing I can do maybe to let her down gently ? I have tried giving it time to see if things get better, but to no avail now. Has anyone here any advice on what I can do ? I think there is only one thing to do now but Im so afraid Ill hurt her so badly I don't want to do it.

Beruthiel

this is real life
you cannot avoid hurting her and you cannot stay in a relationship if you are miserable – there is no easy way to sort this.
You are going to have to come clean with her.
She deserves to be with someone who cares for her as much as she does for them. Do you seriously think she would be grateful to know you are staying with her out of pity?
Do her the favour of finishing it asap

Mexicola

This is never easy dude, but if you cant see things improving, you are better off ending it, and be truthful to yourself!! There will always to an emotional aftermath but that is difficult to avoid.

seamus

There's no way you can end this without hurting her. This is the nature of relationships.

I think all you can do is get it straight in your own head, and then be perfectly honest with her. You've already identified the problem - you have ants in your pants, you want to get out and see the world, and you don't want to be tied down.

Don't drag it out, don't start being horrible to her. You obviously still care for her, so there may even be some chance to retain some degree of friendship. Who knows, you may come back from your travels and find yourself yearning for her? If you can do the split quickly and honestly, you cause less hurt all round, and you don't come off as the bastard from hell who burned her heart slowly with a branding iron.

She will be hurt. All you can control is how much you hurt her.

No_Regrets

I have to agree with the previous posters - you need to bring this relationship to an end asap, in the future it will make ot easier for your girlfriend knowing you were honest and did not drag things out for months on end. I have been on the receiving end of this kinda situation (like maybe people I'm sure) and yes she will be sad, hurt, angry, confused, but it is IMPERATIVE that you tell her. There is no point living in a fantasy of true love and maybe under it all she is a bit worried/insecure herself, having to ask you so often if you love her too. Good luck!

misswex

I agree with the guys here, you have to tell the girl!! She deserves to know the truth. You both want different things and you shouldn't hold yourself back because you are afraid of hurting her. She might not appreciate your honesty now but in a couple of months she will be glad you told her.

Best of luck!!!!

AngryBadger

Beruthiel wrote:

Do her the favour of finishing it asap

asap is definitely the way to go

LegacyUser

i was in exactly the same situation a number of years ago. it came to a point were, my then girlfriend, asked me if i loved her. i couldn't say yes. it was one of the most difficult truths i have had to tell, and also one of the most painful. It was horrible for all (especially her) and I still feel a twinge of shame to this day. i personally got a mixed reception from people who found out. some thought it was brave, others said it was a **** thing to do. However, i know it was the correct thing to do. Yet, that said, it was not any easier to accept even for that reason. to lie to her about how you feel would be not only be incredibly disrespectful to her and a betrayal of her trust, but it would only lead to deeper complications.

you have 2 options:

1. tell her and finish it in a nice a way as possible.
2. try rekindle your passion - romantic dates to paris, the theatre... whatever.

Fraggle

Ouch. This one's gonna hurt. But you gotta do what you gotta do. It will be more upsetting for your girlfriend if you start backing off, squirming out of telling her you love her and avoiding similar conversations.I reckon she might be continually telling you she is mad about you and loves you because she is trying to gage your reaction/response and perhaps it is not as enthusiastic as she would have liked.

I would appreciate it a lot more if a guy told me straight. Its horrible to be broken up with. Whats even worse is to have it dragged out a couple of weeks where you can actually see the other person losing interest and you start to panic.

Come to a decision. Be firm when you tell her. Be kind and make sure she knows that you have settled with that decision and its final for now.

LegacyUser

It's quite possible that your girlfriend is feeling the same way but like you is finding it hard to voice. The other thing to remember is you are still quite young, get out there and live a bit. There is no easy way to end a relationship, once you blurt it out you'll feel a whole lot better, at the end of the day you are really hurting her as well if you don't feel the same way and I'm sure that's not what you want

Tiriel

If she is asking you do you love her, then chances are she has already picked up on something not being quite right with you. So it might not be as big a shock as you think. Most importantly, be completely honest, and don't drag it out. She will appreciate it I promise, maybe not straight away but looking back on it.

Good luck

While I agree something needs to be done straight away, I'm not sure I'd advise ending it. Tell her how you feel, and suggest that you need a break for a while or something. Just talk about it with her. If she keeps asking, she's probably copped on already that something is up.

WhiteWashMan

anonymouse_man wrote:

. I cannot just come clean there I dont want to open a can of worms onto an akward situation with her and hurt her. .

you selfish bastárd.
the worse thing you can do is drag her along, thinking that you love her, when clearly you dont give a toss.

if you dont want to be with her, then break it off, but stop wasting her life becuase youre too scared to be an adult and deal with an adult situation

mickymg2003

If its not there its not there. I broke up with my ex for the same reasons and it turned out she had an idea that i wasn happy and she dealt it. Your more of a pr1ck for stringing her along.

LegacyUser

Look, we all have to be gentle in these situations. She gave you alot, otherwise you wouldn't be here. But.... and its a long but...you don't feel it anymore. (You and a thousand others). Its the trickiest situation in the world...You fall in love,they give you everything you need. You're on cloud nine, and then...BANG! The best you can do is to be honest, and lord knows i haven't been in the past.
What i would say to you is that it is a tricky station, be as honest as you can be. Don't beat yourself up. They will figure it out for themsleves. Say how you feel. Then its down to them. I've been on both sides, and the best policy is honesty.

LegacyUser

Whitewash man, how dare you tlk to me like that ! You don't know me, so dont call me a selfish bastard. Ill take no more advice from you, so don't post in this thread again. Your post was not constructive

WhiteWashMan

anonymouse_man wrote:

Whitewash man, how dare you tlk to me like that ! You don't know me, so dont call me a selfish bastard. Ill take no more advice from you, so don't post in this thread again. Your post was not constructive

you are with someone whom you admit you no longer in love with, but youre afraid to break it off becuase you say you dont want to hurt her.

more like you are afraid of making yourself feel bad because you are going to hurt her.

no doubt you instigate fights, just in the hope that she will dump you

so, you just drag it out. youre wasting her life through your own selfishness.

i dont know what your definition of selfish is, but from you post we can see you are extremely defensive. that would indicate that you have something to be defensive about. probably guilt.

yes, you are selfish. any person that lies to someone in that manner, and keeps up some sort of pretence of love and affection is clearly selfish. my only hope is that your 'girlfriend' figures out what you are sooner rather than later and can get on with her life. a life without you in it.

LegacyUser

It really doesn't matter if you are a selfish prick or the sweetest guy in the world.

If you are both in your early 20s get over yourself and break up with her.

She will live to love again.

MM

LegacyUser

I have come to a decision that I'm going to keep things going for a while and see how things pan out. I just read over my original post there and it reads like I definitely want to break it off but couldn't sum up the courage. Well that's not exactly the whole situation. It was an option, to either break up, or keep things going and see where we are. It may be too soon to make a rash decision and end it all. Nobody can say that there aren't some bumps in a relationship.

As for Whitewashman, you can go easy on the sweeping generalisations toward me. I asked you not to post here because what you had to say was not too constructive. You don't come across to be as being too nice a person, and I can gather that anything more you have to say here won't really help, so be a good man and don't post. Thanks

Beruthiel

anonymouse_man wrote:

I As for Whitewashman, you can go easy on the sweeping generalisations toward me. I asked you not to post here because what you had to say was not too constructive.

it was a very constructive post anonymouse, if a tad close to the bone - from your first post I would also have to say that keeping your g/f thinking you care for her as much as she does for you is indeed selfish, selfish in so far as you are denying her the opportunity of finding someone who does care for her, instead you are stringing her along and wasting her time.
would you not consider that selfish? I would

WhiteWashMan

anonymouse_man wrote:

You don't come across to be as being too nice a person,

in that case.....

im really really really sorry.
i can see how upset you are at causing the woman that you no longer love, but probably feel a large amount of fondness for, a lot of pain.

i think that pretending to still love her, and carrying on a shame relationship, just for her benefit its truely heroic of you. i can think of no other action in the world that would prove just how caring you are towards her.

just hoping ever day that she will wake up and dump you must be weighing heavily on your mind, and i can understand the frustration you are going through. the endless days of no longer wanting your partner, no longer finding them as desirable as you used to, of feeling trapped in a relationship that is now standing on lies.
i hear you brother, and i feel for you.
but you are a better man than i.

in that situation, i was weak.i had to break the relationship, i had to hurt her. i caused her pain. she cried. a lot. i felt impotent and useless and like a complete cad. but you, youare a shining beacon to all of us. staying in a relationship where you have already admitted to no longer loving the person you are with.

and just becuase youre afraid of hurting her.

becuase you know, she will feel a lot better when you finally break up. the pity that you feel for her will be well received, and she will thank you for prolonging the relationship. the thoughts she may have around a lasting relationship, and maybe even weddings etc can be recycled and used in her next relationship, so the longer it goes on, the less the pain really should be. dont you think?

you sire, are a true crusader. i think any woman here would be happy to wait for this relationship to end (by her of course, becuase then sure its not you who breaks it off, thereby vindicating you of all responsibility).

yes, i imagine youre exactly the type of bloke that any woman would want. loveing, caring, selfless and truthful.

i salute you.

Ickle Magoo

OP,
I think you should be honest & tell your g/f how you feel.....yes, relationships go through bumpy patches but that is completely different to falling out of love with someone.....if it was a bumpy patch I suspect you would feel frustrated with your g/f but you would do your best to sort things out as you know you love her & ultimately, you want your relationship to work....that's not how your post sounds to me - appologies if I'm reading it incorrectly....I think if you even have to ask yourself if you love someone, then you already know the answer.....

I think most people have carried on with a relationship that was past it's sell-by-date out of cowardice, laziness or convenience at some stage - I know I have....but utimately it's unhealthy for both of you and you will both be much happier - in the long term - meeting people with whom you have mutual respect and affection.....all the best

py2006

anonymouse_man wrote:

Whitewash man, how dare you tlk to me like that ! You don't know me, so dont call me a selfish bastard. Ill take no more advice from you, so don't post in this thread again. Your post was not constructive

I have to agree. That was totally uncalled for. They guy is genuine. He has tried to see if things improved but he is scared of hurting her but he came her for advice.

py2006

WhiteWashMan wrote:

in that case.....

im really really really sorry.
i can see how upset you are at causing the woman that you no longer love, but probably feel a large amount of fondness for, a lot of pain.

i think that pretending to still love her, and carrying on a shame relationship, just for her benefit its truely heroic of you. i can think of no other action in the world that would prove just how caring you are towards her.

.

Again, totally uncalled for!

He is not pretending he loves her and getting a laugh out of the situation. He is seeking the advice from people her who may have had similar situations. He is unsure of his feelings for the girl and knows he must end it but is having difficulty bringing the words out as he doesn't want to her hurt her. Which is perfectly reasonable.

However, he must realise as everybody is saying her that she will be hurt regardless so he must do it sooner rather than later!

dudara

And I feel that he has received advice here. WWM often borders on cruelty in what he says, but there's truth in it. The OP came here looking for advice and opinions and he has received it.

I second WWM view. If you're not into this relationship, then you must end it. To continue is unfair.

Beruthiel

py2006 wrote:

You Sir, are an idiot!!

comments like that will get you banned in this forum.
consider this your warning
B

py2006

Beruthiel wrote:

comments like that will get you banned in this forum.
consider this your warning
B

My apologies!

But its ok to refer to somebody as a selfish bastard????? (see above)

I suggest you read the thread in full and prioritise your threats!

Now you consider that!

el tel

WhiteWashMan wrote:

you selfish bastárd.

Anyone else would have been banned for that.

LegacyUser

dudara wrote:

And I feel that he has received advice here. WWM often borders on cruelty in what he says, but there's truth in it. The OP came here looking for advice and opinions and he has received it.

I second WWM view. If you're not into this relationship, then you must end it. To continue is unfair.

To be fair, WWM wasn't the first person to suggest this course of action. He proceeded to offer "advice" in an aggressive manner that only deflected the focus away from the post. But that's just my opinion, and I don't care to incur the wrath of WWM.

Back to the matter at hand... I do believe that is a mistake to stay with the girl. You could try and salvage things, but such an outcome isn't likely, simply because I don't believe your intentions are concerned with saving the relationship. It may sound harsh, but I think you are trying to dodge a bullet.

I'll reiterate what I said before:

1. Leave her - you are compounding matters and possibly delaying the inevitable.

or

2. Salvage your relationship. The question is do you REALLY want to? There is no halfway answer to this - either you do or you don't.


Anyway OP, been there, done that. In my humble opinion, ending things is the correct thing to do.

Nevyn

OP what on earth makes you think she doesn't have a clue ?
She is in a relationship with you and you really think that she will not notice you having to make an effort ?
That she will not notice that the spark between you is gone?
No one likes to be tolerated, humoured and lied to.
The fact that you didn't have the nerve to talk to her about your relationship
will come back to haunt you.
End it while you can on a good note and not drag it out in to weeks of
a relationship bing on life support.
Time to pull the plug and end it.

py2006

Thaedydal wrote:

OP what on earth makes you think she doesn't have a clue ?
She is in a relationship with you and you really think that she will not notice you having to make an effort ?
That she will not notice that the spark between you is gone?
No one likes to be tolerated, humoured and lied to.
The fact that you didn't have the nerve to talk to her about your relationship
will come back to haunt you.
End it while you can on a good note and not drag it out in to weeks of
a relationship bing on life support.
Time to pull the plug and end it.

I don't know! Some people can be pretty clueless as to how others are feeling. She might be so blinded by love that she either doesn't see it or refuses to accept it.

Either way, your right when you say he has to let her know sooner rather than later as the longer he leaves it the worse it will get.

Fraggle

DO YOU LOVE HER OR NOT????

Yes...give it a chance.

No...let her go.

LegacyUser

to be honest guys Im awful confused about the whole thing now. These feelings have only come up in the last week. Im going away to london in september, and I was wondering if it would be right to carry things on. Im still at complete odds on the situation. Despite what some people here might think, im not a coward and a bastards, so take them opinions elsewhere.

Whitewashman, while there may be some tiny element of truth in your tirade, I have to say that the way you have delivered your point is bordering on abuse and it is completely uncalled for. You have absolutely no right to call me a selfish bastard, assume I am immature and completely incapable of handling and adult situation, or assume I don't give a toss about my girlfriend.
I have seen some of the other replies you have here to peoples posts, and they're a little blunt to say the least.

I admit my original post sounds like I am dragging out this relationship because I am too scared to dump her. I didn't say I didnt love her anymore, and I certainly didn't lie to her, I think this is just the by product of a bad phase, maybe things will get better. Everytime I see her I'd be knakcered after work etc ( I do get up very early in the morning to beat the m50 rush ), so my hours are different to hers.
I care enough about her at least not to completely dump her, so as I said before Ill give things another shot and talk to her about whats going on, but only in a way that won't make her feel too worried. I don't want to turn around to her face and say something like " I dont think I love you anymore ", jesus that wouldn't help at all. It could set a dangerous new precedent that could send things slipping. It could be the nail in the coffin and I don't really want that to happen.

In my original post I sounded like I was asking advice on how to let someone down gently, that wasn't really what I was looking for. My bad.

Thanks to those in here who deserve it, appreciate it

py2006

No worries, I hope things work out either way in the end for you!

As for Whitewashman, its amazing what some people get away with on these boards. Its a pity there isn't an ignore button like on chat rooms.

WhiteWashMan

py2006 wrote:

I have to agree. That was totally uncalled for. They guy is genuine. He has tried to see if things improved but he is scared of hurting her but he came her for advice.

and, he got advice. how i give my advice is totally at my disgression, not yours.

py2006 wrote:

Again, totally uncalled for!

He is not pretending he loves her and getting a laugh out of the situation. He is seeking the advice from people her who may have had similar situations. He is unsure of his feelings for the girl and knows he must end it but is having difficulty bringing the words out as he doesn't want to her hurt her. Which is perfectly reasonable.

However, he must realise as everybody is saying her that she will be hurt regardless so he must do it sooner rather than later!.

its not about what i say is it, its about how i say it. again, you may not like it, and thanks for the feedback, but it hink i will continue to distribute my pearls of wisdom as i see fit.

although, i am unsure how you became spokesperson for the OP. you appear to know his exact situation...

el tel wrote:

Anyone else would have been banned for that

use the report button if you are offended. its what its there for.

py2006 wrote:

No worries, I hope things work out either way in the end for you!

As for Whitewashman, its amazing what some people get away with on these boards. Its a pity there isn't an ignore button like on chat rooms.

oh whinge whinge. get over it over it. and yes, there is an ignore function. perhaps if you did a little search for it, youd find it instead of abusing poor little ol me and hurting my feelings...

anonymous_man wrote:

Whitewashman, while there may be some tiny element of truth in your tirade, I have to say that the way you have delivered your point is bordering on abuse and it is completely uncalled for. You have absolutely no right to call me a selfish bastard, assume I am immature and completely incapable of handling and adult situation, or assume I don't give a toss about my girlfriend.
I have seen some of the other replies you have here to peoples posts, and they're a little blunt to say the least.

i have every right to call you whatever i want. just becuase you dont like it, mens nothing. much like the advice i have given. you obviously dont like it becuase of the way i have said it.
im sure if i had been all sweetness and roses, youd agree with me, however, seeing what you are doing, and having it pointed out to you is not something you are obviously comfortable with.
of course, its nothing compared to the discomfort you will experience when you break up with your girlfriend, but thats your problem, not ours.

as for my delivery being blunt, please join the 'i dont like what wwman says' club along with py2006.
im not too bothered. but ive obviously made you think, and thats all i can do.

py2006

Some people just haven't a clue.

Your opinion, views, advice etc is more than welcome but were you overstep the line is when you directly insult somebody with vulgar, offensive and inappropriate language.

Its completely unnecessary and unhelpful.

WhiteWashMan

py2006 wrote:

Some people just haven't a clue. .

so, youve just insulted me?

a ban someone! quick!

your post was, to quote yourself...

py2006 wrote:

completely unnecessary and unhelpful..

py2006

WhiteWashMan wrote:

so, youve just insulted me?

a ban someone! quick!

your post was, to quote yourself...

Still not taking it whats being said to you?? We were referring to the vulgar, offensive language!

WhiteWashMan

we?

oh, well, use the report button if youre insulted instead of filling up this post with useless and unhelpful posts.
hmm, thats something else you accused me off. it would seem you are being dragged down to my level at this stage

insulting and useless posts. hello kettle!

py2006

I was about to make that very point that this thread has gone totally of point. Wasting my time with you. Clearly you have alot of say here otherwise you would have been booted along time ago.

So, no more banter. Back to the point!

I hope the guy gets it sorted pretty soon. The last thing the girl needs is to be hurt anymore than is necessary if he is thinking of breaking up with her!

WhiteWashMan

how do you suggest that the OP reduces the amount of hurt that she suffers?

Nevyn

The both of you Stop it,
I'd giving you both a warning for off topic and unhelpful posting.
The next ones will result in a ban, you both know better take it to pm or feedback.

Thaedydal

LegacyUser

Well, I did it and called it a day tonight. It was the best thing for both of us. I hope things work out.

Whitewashman, I guess the posts you made here really sum you up. Love you man.

WhiteWashMan

anonymouse_man wrote:

Well, I did it and called it a day tonight. It was the best thing for both of us. I hope things work out.

Whitewashman, I guess the posts you made here really sum you up. Love you man.

so you actually did take the advice given here, including mine.

by the way, i have actually been in your position, except that the girl i was with, quit her job, moved country to be with me. i knew in the first week it wasnt going to happen, and i broke it off with her a week later.
she lived in england for 2 weeks.

so i do know something about how crappy it is, how difficult it is, and yes, how selfish it is to continue to see someone when its not right for either party. but you know what, i contacted her a year afterwards and she thanked e for breaking it off. ok, so it was an unmitigated disaster, and it left me out of pocket o a great big sum of cash, and it pretty much ruined her life at the time, but you know what, we are both still alive.
she says its the best thing that happened. she knew we werent right for each other, but still moved, becuase she was comfortable in the relationship. sure, she loved me, and i loved her, but it wasnt going to work out.
shes married now. so am i. we are both extremely happy in our lives. but i still sometimes feel i wasted 2 years of her life (and thats after the first 3 years we were going out with each other).
and i did it becuase i didnt want to be alone. i wanted a partner, and i settled for a relationship where i wasnt perticularly happy, but it was comfortable.
so i know something about being a selfish bastárd, and i know the actions of one when i see them

im glad you broke up. you have saved yourself a lot of heartache, not to mention her pain as well. but you will feel better about yourself as time goes on. and shes probably hurting now, but you know what. she'll meet someone, and she will recognise this as something good as well.

mind you, i still stand by my method of delivery of my posts. sometimes i feel its better to just get straight to the heart of the matter than fúck around. call a spade a spade so to speak. lots of people dont like it, but hey, that me.
and im always right

WhiteWashMan

anonymouse_man wrote:

Whitewashman, I guess the posts you made here really sum you up. Love you man.

nit in the slightest. im a simple man at heart. beer and family. thats what its all about.
nothing else is important.