Guys Been Friends with Girls ???

LegacyUser

Why is it that some guys just dont want to be friends with ex's after a relationship ends. I have been hurt quite recently when a relationship i was totally smittened about ended for a number of reasons which i knew had to happen.

Anyway, i would much rather be friends than nothing at all, however his responce is that he doesnt know if he can do that . . . I feel that any conversation we had means absolutaly nothing and that all he thought about the relationship was just purely sexsual. I feel like an idiot and quite hurt if im honest.

Why is it some guys just dont wana remain friends ?!.....

Bluetonic

hurt wrote:

Why is it some guys just dont wana remain friends ?!.....

The friendship obviously has nothing to offer him.

Sounds like he has his head screwed on and is making a nice clean break of it, no point in clinging on to emotional deadwood.

Ickle Magoo

It's not just guys - I don't stay in touch with my ex b/f's either.....the statement you make re "I would much rather be friends than nothing at all" infers you will be friends but only because you can't be more - and that exactly is the crux of why ex's often don't want to be "friends".....

Personally, I would find being friends with an ex - especially immediately after the break-up - a bit pointless, fairly awkward and ultimately holding me back from finding my Mr Right.....if your ex is anything like me, it's not that he didn't love you and your relationship during the time he was in it, it's just he prefers to make a clean break to reinforce the fact your relationship is over and to give you both the space to move on to better things.....hope you feel better soon

Talliesin

hurt wrote:

I feel that any conversation we had means absolutaly nothing and that all he thought about the relationship was just purely sexsual.

Huh?

If the relationship had been 100% sexual, then there would be no reason for him not to remain friends with you.

If the relationship meant more to him than that then maybe the pain surrounding the ending of that relationship outweighs the ways in which he still likes you. Maybe he still wants the relationship to be what it was, at least in part, and being with you in a platonic way makes him feel conflicted.

Maybe he's one of those weirdos that don't have platonic relationships with members of the opposite sex.

Lots of reasons why he may not want to be friends. In some cases that may end after the relationship is further in the past, in other cases it may not.

Beruthiel

hurt wrote:

however his responce is that he doesnt know if he can do that . . .

because he cannot get 100% over you if you are still around

I feel that any conversation we had means absolutaly nothing and that all he thought about the relationship was just purely sexsual.

that's rubbish I'm afraid,
while you are in a relationship then all conversations mean something, but that doesn't mean you should carry around some sort of obligation for the rest of your life

Why is it some guys just dont wana remain friends ?!.....

because he cannot get 100% over you if you are still around

Lorri_L

Its very very likely that he has a lot of feelings for you and has decided that he can not be friends with you because it will hurt him. Not all men are horrible!

super_furry

There are thousands of reasons and most of them are very valid. In my experience it's much better for both parties to make a clean break after a relationship ends. If he keeps hanging around things are eventually going to get very complicated - like when one of you meets someone else.

if he's adamant not to stay friends then respect his wishes
he needs time to get over you and so do you
its painful when things dont work out
and remember (I'm a firm believer in this as it happened to me)
if you're meant to be with this person it will happen and they wont pass you by

LegacyUser

Hes probably afraid if you stay friends that you'l have hope that you will get back together eventually and he doesnt want to be stringing you along. If he doesnt want to be in a romantic relationship with you it is very hard to draw the line when you are still hanging out regularly or if you went out and got drunk say, as friends an ended up in bed together everything would be back at square one. you said you broke up for a number of reasons and the problems will probably still be underneath the surface whether you are in a romantic relationship or not so he probably just wants to make a clean break and let both of you get on with you lives.

py2006

As far as I can make out ex's only stay friends if one or both of them deep down still have feelings and hope oneday they will get back together.

It only messes with your mind to be honest. You really are better off not seeing each for a while and perhaps becoming friends again at a later stage.

Nevyn

As far as I can make out ex's only stay friends if one or both of them deep down still have feelings and hope oneday they will get back together.

Not true but not everyone has a maturity or abilty to deal with the shift in the context of the relationship from lover to friend.

py2006

Thaedydal wrote:

Not true but not everyone has a maturity or abilty to deal with the shift in the context of the relationship from lover to friend.

Surely its not down to maturity??!?? In fact is ridiculous to suggest it is.

It depends on the relationship and the reasons for the break up!

Ickle Magoo

I guess in some cases it is down to maturity or ability to deal with.....for instance, if one party does not really want to accept that relationship is over and so they cannot have a mature friendship....

I find it quite awkward after a break-up to act as if I have no carnal knowledge of said person & they have none of me.....I also feel strange chatting someone else up when an ex is present.....and so I'd rather not see them until all my un-friend-like feelings have disapated....other people may find those situations easier to deal with.....:o

py2006

Hmmm, I thought you were suggesting people who find it difficult to be friends with an ex were simply being immature! Perhaps I read you wrong.

I'm rarely friends with ex's! I am on friendly terms in that I say hello and have a quick chat if and when we ever bump into each other.

Its a bit weird when people go from a couple to being great friends to be honest! There is something not quite right there. Unless of course they both realised they shouldn't have entered a relationship at first place and that they were better suited as mates. But thats rarely a 2-sided thing!

hurt

hurt wrote:

Why is it that some guys just dont want to be friends with ex's after a relationship ends. I have been hurt quite recently when a relationship i was totally smittened about ended for a number of reasons which i knew had to happen.

Anyway, i would much rather be friends than nothing at all, however his responce is that he doesnt know if he can do that . . . I feel that any conversation we had means absolutaly nothing and that all he thought about the relationship was just purely sexsual. I feel like an idiot and quite hurt if im honest.

Why is it some guys just dont wana remain friends ?!.....

I assume you mean "being" friends, not been.

Depending on the relationship and breakup, some people can and some people can't stay friends.
My most serious relationship to date (not including current) - the guy and I are very good friends still. I'm friends with all my exes except one, and he lives so far away that probably has something to do with it.
Generally I tend to do the friends first thing so maybe it's easier to go back to that than trying to start up a new friendship with an ex.

Talliesin

py2006 wrote:

Surely its not down to maturity??!?? In fact is ridiculous to suggest it is.

There's a ceiling level of maturity that if someone isn't above then they aren't going to ever remain friends with an ex.

It's not the only factor, but no one said it was.

WhiteWashMan

hurt wrote:

Why is it that some guys just dont want to be friends with ex's after a relationship ends. I have been hurt quite recently when a relationship i was totally smittened about ended for a number of reasons which i knew had to happen.

Anyway, i would much rather be friends than nothing at all, however his responce is that he doesnt know if he can do that . . . I feel that any conversation we had means absolutaly nothing and that all he thought about the relationship was just purely sexsual. I feel like an idiot and quite hurt if im honest.

Why is it some guys just dont wana remain friends ?!.....

2 reasons.
first is that they are still in love withthem and cant handle is when the chick starts going out with someone else.
and secondly, becuase they chick no longer wants them, so there will be no fooling around, so there is no real reason to talk to them.

oh, and thirdly, becuase men are just immature and do stupid things.

py2006

WhiteWashMan wrote:

2 reasons.
first is that they are still in love withthem and cant handle is when the chick starts going out with someone else.
and secondly, becuase they chick no longer wants them, so there will be no fooling around, so there is no real reason to talk to them.

oh, and thirdly, becuase men are just immature and do stupid things.

I'd agree with your first reason there. There is nothing worse than seeing your ex, who you still have feelings for, going off and being with somebody else. It hurts like hell!

Your second point can have some truth in it.

Your third point, well, I'll say no more!

WhiteWashMan

if theres no point in scoring, why would i hang around with them?

hence leading onto my third point.

i didnt say it made sense, but its the truth

py2006

WhiteWashMan wrote:

if theres no point in scoring, why would i hang around with them?

hence leading onto my third point.

i didnt say it made sense, but its the truth

Mixed up your points in my reponse. Went back and edited it!

Your 3rd point??? come on man!!!

WhiteWashMan

py2006 wrote:

Mixed up your points in my reponse. Went back and edited it!

Your 3rd point??? come on man!!!

can you be a little more inciteful as to what point youre making?

please use small words so my brain can understand them.

at the moment, i have no idea what you are talking about.

py2006

WhiteWashMan wrote:

can you be a little more inciteful as to what point youre making?

please use small words so my brain can understand them.

at the moment, i have no idea what you are talking about.

I've learnt me lesson with you, its pointless responding to you. 8 years on here and over 14,000 posts! I don't stand a chance!

WhiteWashMan

sorry, i thought you wanted to debate something i had suggested, which may have helped the OP find an answer to the question asked.

although, i have no idea what postcount or your lack of mathmatical ability have to do with anything.

Kiera

Get a fúcking room you two, its pathetic the way you have to ruin all threads!!

py2006

Kiera wrote:

Get a fúcking room you two, its pathetic the way you have to ruin all threads!!

Apologies, got carried away responding to that guy! I wont respond to him anymore. Just report from now on.

Back to the threads subject matter now....

I was just thinking there, I bumped into an ex of mine last Sunday for the first time in ages. It was very awkward indeed. I broke it off with her for certain reasons. But there is no way I could have remained friends with her.

It wouldn't be for the want of trying. It would have just felt kinda awkward and fake to be all pally after being intimate and then hurt.

Zulu

...because he dosen't want to see you being with someone else. :rolleyes:

Zombrex

hurt wrote:

Why is it some guys just dont wana remain friends ?!.....

Because they aren't stupid ...

Why would someone stay "friends" with an ex that they just broke up with.

If you get on with someone as a friend, but are obviously attracted to them (you went out with them in the first place), then you would still be going out with them wouldn't you? Pretending there is no history of attraction between you after the break up, pretending to just be "friends" is ridiculous.

The best, most mature, thing to do after a break up is a clean break. There is nothing worse than a couple after a break up forcing themselves to be "friends" with each other. That is why it is called a "break up" ... if you still hang around with each other pretending to be friends that is only going to confuse the situation and make things more difficult to get over each other.

The very fact that this has upset you so much shows why being friends with an ex after a break up is a bad idea.

Wicknight

Wicknight wrote:

Because they aren't stupid ...

Why would someone stay "friends" with an ex that they just broke up with.

If you get on with someone as a friend, but are obviously attracted to them (you went out with them in the first place), then you would still be going out with them wouldn't you? Pretending there is no history of attraction between you after the break up, pretending to just be "friends" is ridiculous.

The best, most mature, thing to do after a break up is a clean break. There is nothing worse than a couple after a break up forcing themselves to be "friends" with each other. That is why it is called a "break up" ... if you still hang around with each other pretending to be friends that is only going to confuse the situation and make things more difficult to get over each other.

The very fact that this has upset you so much shows why being friends with an ex after a break up is a bad idea.

Don't be so daft. What, suck all the good out of a relationship and never talk to that person again? What kind of way is that to get on with people?
If you were friends in the first place, you can be friends again. It works, and it works well.
Sure, for a while, it might seem weird. But given time and a little space for a while, it can go back to normal again.
PRETENDING to be friends is obviously just stupid for anyone, relationship or not

LegacyUser

The usual pattern is you allow a cooling off period and then if you were meant to be friends you would naturally drift toward each other sometime [like a year or so] later.

You need the time to distance yourselves from each other.

chrismon

I think it really depends on the relationship and the person.
if a couple are friends before the relationship started then mabey they can become good friends after easier? I no that myself and my girl were not friends before we got together,we knew that we wanted to be together and that was it. If we broke up tonite i dont think i would want to be "good" friends with her straight away,it would be too hard because it would be just like we were still together knowing nothing would come of it,personally i would prefer not talking too much for a while to have our space, then seeing if we still wanted to be friends after.
But thats just me :cool:
Chris

constitutionus

probably because he loved you.

im still mates with all my exes, but then i never loved any of em. they were just friends i ended up having sex with so when we went our separate ways it didnt bother me when they hooked up with other guys.
im sure if i genuinely loved some one and was commited to them and thought there would be a future id be right pissed off if she turned around and basically said "no chance, buts lets be friends"

sorry but if your in love with someone your not friends, you were NEVER friends. you may get along with each other great but its NOT a friendship, its more intense than that so dont expect a guy to hang around and be exposed to something he KNOWS wont work.and he WONT want to hear you going on about the new bloke in your life etc , its best to just cut your losses and move on.

you HAD something. which is nice and you should treasure that, but you KNOW it didnt have a future yourself when you said there was VARIOUS reasons so draw a line under it and get out with your REAL friends, theyre what you need now:)


you know in a compleatly callous aside i do have to ask the question , why do girls want all the good aspects of a boyfriend, but DONT want to pony up the sex. sounds a little onesided to me.
could you imagine if a guy said i wanna **** you but dont talk to me:)

constitutionus

constitutionus wrote:

sorry but if your in love with someone your not friends, you were NEVER friends.

This is the biggest load of codswallop I have heard in my entire life.
And this coming from someone who admits to never having been in love?

you may get along with each other great but its NOT a friendship, its more intense than that so dont expect a guy to hang around and be exposed to something he KNOWS wont work.and he WONT want to hear you going on about the new bloke in your life etc , its best to just cut your losses and move on.

As you said earlier, your experience is with friends who you just had sex with. Love is a great friendship. It is not just sex. If you truly love someone, you won't get bitter if they want to be friends. If you love them, you want the best for them, which happens to not be you. You do not hang around expecting sex.

you know in a compleatly callous aside i do have to ask the question , why do girls want all the good aspects of a boyfriend, but DONT want to pony up the sex. sounds a little onesided to me.
could you imagine if a guy said i wanna **** you but dont talk to me:)

Why do you seem to think love is about two people just having sex?
Or all relationships, for that matter?

WhiteWashMan

its funny, but the film 'when harry met sally' is correct.

men and women cant really be friends without one side of the relationship fancying the other.

any relationship that a man gets into is purely sexual to start with. hes not in it for the good conversation.
and as previously stated, most men are just pretty immature until they reach their mid 20's. although some of us are still immature past that age as well

LegacyUser

it's not just guys. me and my ex were together a good few years and when it ended it was kinda 'mutual' but i was left with the feeling that it wasn't for a good reason and if circumstances had been different it would have worked out. i told him i couldn't be friends with him, because i can't possibly for several reasons. for a start, i couldn't ever be friends with him when i knew in my heart of hearts i was just staying close to him in the hopes of him reconsidering the break up. another reason was that there is no way i could possibly get over him if we were still in contact, it just wouldn't work.

the last few months have been the crappiest and loneliest of my life and i miss him a hell of a lot. it's weird going from knowing everything that's going on in the 'other half's' life to nothing at all. it's tough, but i know in the longrun it has to be done. there's no way i could ever get on with my life if i was still clinging on to it.

i think it's more likely that he had strong feelings for you, not the other way around.

constitutionus

bluewolf wrote:

This is the biggest load of codswallop I have heard in my entire life.
And this coming from someone who admits to never having been in love?

where did i say i was never in love, i just said i didnt love my exe's that i still see as friend naturally this precludes the one that died:mad:

bluewolf wrote:

As you said earlier, your experience is with friends who you just had sex with. Love is a great friendship. It is not just sex. If you truly love someone, you won't get bitter if they want to be friends. If you love them, you want the best for them, which happens to not be you. You do not hang around expecting sex.

WHY do i feel like im talking to a woman:) fact; 90% of blokes i know DONT talk to their exe's. why, because if you "truely" love someone your NOT in control of your emotions and the last thing you want from someone who "just wants to be friends " is to hear they were just in the category ive stayed in since,. IE friends who have sex.
you CAN be friends, care about each other and have sex and NOT be in love.
but you CANT truely be in love and only be half into the relationship. love is an absolute

bluewolf wrote:

Why do you seem to think love is about two people just having sex?
Or all relationships, for that matter?

oh i dont know maybe becaus i dont know ANY couple who got married because there good friends:rolleyes:

but my point was the poster is upset because she cant get all the relationship goodness of emotional support from the guy, and i want to thow out the QUESTION : why is it all right for you to look for it, when youve said IM not going to get the sexual element i want from what is basically an ongoing "boyfriend without sex" relatonship?

this way leads to being a DOORMAT , and ive seen it happen

Frederico

WhiteWashMan wrote:

its funny, but the film 'when harry met sally' is correct.

men and women cant really be friends without one side of the relationship fancying the other.

any relationship that a man gets into is purely sexual to start with. hes not in it for the good conversation.
and as previously stated, most men are just pretty immature until they reach their mid 20's. although some of us are still immature past that age as well

Hey this is my first post here. I just wanted to say I disagree with this, well for me anyway. A few months ago I met a girl who I had to live with amongst others and we got on great from the start, but there was no real sexual attraction, just heaps of stupid fun. We started sleeping in the same bed for a laugh, then just making out for ages, then just playing with each other a bit like catholic sex style you could call it. I mean she had a boyfriend and I had a girl when I met her, but we just got on so damn well that the two of us spent all our time together.

She's an extremely good looking girl, perverted and has slept with heaps of guys but we have no attraction to each other, however as friends we can't be apart and I never feel any jealousy when she is with another guy and vice versa. I like making out with her, but theres no spark there, and I like groping her and everything but theres no huge sexual lust, maybe its a unique situation but I think just being friends, even best friends with a girl is possible.

Ickle Magoo

Frederico wrote:

there was no real sexual attraction

Frederico wrote:

We started sleeping in the same bed for a laugh, then just making out for ages, then just playing with each other a bit like catholic sex style you could call it

Frederico wrote:

we have no attraction to each other

Frederico wrote:

I like making out with her, but theres no spark there, and I like groping her and everything but theres no huge sexual lust

Erm, sounds like a whole heap of contradictions to me......if I don't have any sexual attraction to someone then I'm not driven to touch them, to snog them or dry hump them.....if they are my friend, I don't use them for sexual gratification as a laugh.....not sure if you are in self-denial & you do actually fancy this girl or you are admitting to using her?! Are you sure she doesn't fancy you?!! ;)

Proxy

hurt wrote:

Why is it that some guys just dont want to be friends with ex's after a relationship ends. I have been hurt quite recently when a relationship i was totally smittened about ended for a number of reasons which i knew had to happen.

Anyway, i would much rather be friends than nothing at all, however his responce is that he doesnt know if he can do that . . . I feel that any conversation we had means absolutaly nothing and that all he thought about the relationship was just purely sexsual. I feel like an idiot and quite hurt if im honest.

Why is it some guys just dont wana remain friends ?!.....

I'm going through pretty much the same as you right now, although being a guy wanting to stay friends with my ex-girl, i'm the other side of the fence. From my friends though, generally they don't wanna be friends because...

a) They can't handle seeing them or hearing them with other guys (and I know how this feels just lately).
or
b) They're being insensitive in the thinking you're better off if they don't talk to you 'cause it'll be so much easier on you (since they were such perfect boyfriends - sarcasm).

Men - like women - are either absolutely perfect, or muppets. Amazingly theres damn-all grey area in God's most complex engineering.

Orla1

cooling off wrote:

The usual pattern is you allow a cooling off period and then if you were meant to be friends you would naturally drift toward each other sometime [like a year or so] later.

You need the time to distance yourselves from each other.

That is SO true, I'm friends wid most of my ex's. I hated them for ages after the break-ups but then after bout 6months / a year we gradually became friends again. Now one of my ex's is my best friend & he's great to go to for advice if I'm havin problems wid my new guy.

You can be friends with your ex... just not straight away.

Frederico

Ickle Magoo wrote:

Erm, sounds like a whole heap of contradictions to me......if I don't have any sexual attraction to someone then I'm not driven to touch them, to snog them or dry hump them.....if they are my friend, I don't use them for sexual gratification as a laugh.....not sure if you are in self-denial & you do actually fancy this girl or you are admitting to using her?! Are you sure she doesn't fancy you?!! ;)

If I fancied her I could just be with her, but I don't and I'm not jealous if shes with other guys (shes been with a few) and shes not jealous when I am with another girl. I made out and lay in bed with her best friend for like 3 days of doing nothing. We've analysed it to death anyway and we're just agreed its one of those things, but maybe it helps that we are brutally honest with each other and if I did start getting certain feelings for her I would tell her straight away and theres no doubt in my mind she'd do exactly the same because she is more forward than I am. This is not the first time I have had a female friend who is my best friend, and for her shes had quite a few. I guess I am just a touchy feely guy with girls and most of them don't mind it. I am completely straight aswell by the way!

Dr. Loon

Frederico wrote:

I am completely straight aswell by the way!

I think you're gay. Big time. You're also an idiot.

Zulu

Dr. Loon wrote:

I think you're gay. Big time. You're also an idiot.

LOL.



Ban, ba-ban, ban!

This is

Lorri_L wrote:

Its very very likely that he has a lot of feelings for you and has decided that he can not be friends with you because it will hurt him. Not all men are horrible!

thats 100 per cent correct. dont complicate anythin people!

Zombrex

bluewolf wrote:

Don't be so daft. What, suck all the good out of a relationship and never talk to that person again?

The relationship is over. If it wasn't over the two people would still be going out with each other.

bluewolf wrote:

What kind of way is that to get on with people?

Why do you have to "get on" with them. You went out, it didnt work out. Move on.

Being "friends" is 99% of the time either an attempt to make the person who ended it feel better about them ending it ("I hope we can still be friends. You know, after I've crush your heart into a small pulp with my bare hands and thrown it in the fire..."), or an attempt for the one who got dumped to put off having to face up to the fact that its over and to still hang around with the person even though they aren't going out in a rather undignified hope that something might happen.

bluewolf wrote:

Sure, for a while, it might seem weird. But given time and a little space for a while, it can go back to normal again.

Fine don't have any contact for a year. After that if someone wants to still be "friends" go right ahead.

The only way two people can still be friends after a relationship is if neither of them got hurt by the break up. And if neither of them was hurt by the breakup you would question if they ever had much of a romantic relationship in the first place.

Wicknight

Wicknight wrote:

The relationship is over. If it wasn't over the two people would still be going out with each other.

There's more than one kind of relationship. If it's not working out as a couple, it might work out as friends.

Why do you have to "get on" with them. You went out, it didnt work out. Move on.

My idea of moving on would usually involve moving on from bad feelings, too.

Being "friends" is 99% of the time either an attempt to make the person who ended it feel better about them ending it ("I hope we can still be friends. You know, after I've crush your heart into a small pulp with my bare hands and thrown it in the fire..."), or an attempt for the one who got dumped to put off having to face up to the fact that its over and to still hang around with the person even though they aren't going out in a rather undignified hope that something might happen.

If it turns into an actual friendship after a while, that's fine then isn't it, it doesn't matter how it started.

I'm not talking about putting up with someone and pretending they're your friend, I'm talking about an actual friendship.

Fine don't have any contact for a year. After that if someone wants to still be "friends" go right ahead.
The only way two people can still be friends after a relationship is if neither of them got hurt by the break up. And if neither of them was hurt by the breakup you would question if they ever had much of a romantic relationship in the first place.

[/quote]
Rubbish. My last serious relationship, I was in bits from it because I loved him so much. So yeah, we stopped talking much for a few weeks or so, then maybe meeting up a little bit for a chat and yeah it was weird. But we moved on and we're good friends now.

I'm not saying it has to be the case all the time or even a lot of the time, I'm just saying to all these people who insist it's impossible that it is not.

Frederico

Dr. Loon wrote:

I think you're gay. Big time. You're also an idiot.

I knew a token gay guy would take offense at that haha.

Zombrex

bluewolf wrote:

Rubbish. My last serious relationship, I was in bits from it because I loved him so much. So yeah, we stopped talking much for a few weeks or so, then maybe meeting up a little bit for a chat and yeah it was weird. But we moved on and we're good friends now.

So you loved him to bits when you broke up but then didn't love him to bits a couple of weeks later? Did he change all of a sudden? The things that made you fall madly in love with him weren't there a few weeks later?

Heyes

Wicknight wrote:

So you loved him to bits when you broke up but then didn't love him to bits a couple of weeks later? Did he change all of a sudden? The things that made you fall madly in love with him weren't there a few weeks later?

Very true..

Wicknight

Wicknight wrote:

So you loved him to bits when you broke up but then didn't love him to bits a couple of weeks later? Did he change all of a sudden? The things that made you fall madly in love with him weren't there a few weeks later?

It was more like a month or so and despite the fact the relationship was starting to not work out, I blithely ignored it. Then breaking up made me cop on and realise it. I was still hurt, I still loved him a lot, but it kind of opened my eyes. The love started being more of the love him, not in love with him kind. Don't get me wrong, it still took a fair while after we got used to meeting up the odd time for a chat to fully get over that, but he's just a friend now.