lotto win, she never told me !

LegacyUser

Last week I found a letter dated oct 05 from the national lottery telling my wife "we enclose your cheque for 5000 euro" She won 5k on a scratch card and rather than go to the GPO, she posted it in and received a cheque by return. I have been working till 10 most nights just to keep our heads above water (she gave up work 3 yrs ago when our 2nd child was born). We get on great I thought ! When I showed her the letter she said " oh I meant to tell you but just forgot" As for the money..all gone, on what said I, This and that said she !!! I cannot see a single thing she might have bought..clothes, stuff for the house etc. I am not a mean person and have never pulled her up for using the credit card, laser etc. Whatever she needs/wants she can just go get it, I dont have a problem with that and I love her to bits, and she showers me with affection..always did since I met her and still does. When I ask her very calmly what did she do with the money, she get annoyed and walks out of the room. I dont care if she went to Howth Head and threw it in the sea, I just would like to know ! I know for certain she is not having an affair etc. She is a wonderful wife/mother/carer/lover..But this is so unlike her and i dont know what to do. Should I just forget all about it ????

[Jackass]

That's weird alright! Maybe she's just put it away in an account or whatever and dosen't want to share for some bizzare reason..

I think you handled it quite well, but I don't know what is left that you can do...obviously the money isn't going to come back, wether she's spent it or not and it's kinda shitty considering times are tight as you said that she would hide this from you...but that's what would concern me more, hiding it from you...

I'd forget about the money, but maybe ask her why she didn't tell you? Keeping secrets and stuff, maybe sneaking around behind your back...Nobody just forgets about 5k...

I dunno man, it's a weird one! Maybe just tell her you're worried and a bit upset by the whole thing (as in the best way to find out without being confrontational) and maybe she'll feel bad and come clean or something...

I dunno bout you, but that's something that would play on my mind a fair bit...don't know if i could just let it go...

py2006

Women and money huh!

A guy made a very good point in another thread. "Women believe their money is theirs but the mans money is hers too"

Seriously though, its a strange thing she has done! I mean, if I won that kind of money I would be jumping up and down in excitement and I wouldn't be able to hold it in.

To keep it a secret from you is odd to say the least. And to refuse to tell you where the money went is even worse.

mad m

Does she bet on horses,49's. Maybe she blew the lot on gambling? Oh I forgot about 5grand,not bloody likely.Imagine if you did the same to her,what way would she react?

I know if I did that to my wife, there is no way in hell she would let me out of a room until she found out where it went...Actually reminds me of an episode of Malcolm in middle when Hal won some money and didnt tell Lois,he got a huge steam roller and crushed anything he put in front of it....:D

The Bollox

mad m wrote:

Actually reminds me of an episode of Malcolm in middle when Hal won some money and didnt tell Lois,he got a huge steam roller and crushed anything he put in front of it....:D

LOL! the best thing was the massive strip of bubble wrap

mickymg2003

She could have spent it on a surprise for you like a holiday of something.

LundiMardi

if that were my wife or gf, she would be out of the door!! You don't just keep that kind of thing to yourself!

Standard Toaster

She may have spent it on 2500 more scratchcards?

Tis strange behaviour alright. I couldn't let that one go.

AngryBadger

Seems dodge. As someone mentioned she could be trying to surprise you or something. But tbh, I'd say not. If it were me I'd be highly suspicious, and want to know what the hell is going on. but then, I'm the jealous type

py2006

mickymg2003 wrote:

She could have spent it on a surprise for you like a holiday of something.

Thats a point! Is your bday coming up soon???

Litcagral

She may have donated it to charity.

Or she could be offended that you think she "gave up work" when the second child was born. I'd say she never worked harder!!

LundiMardi

Litcagral wrote:

She may have donated it to charity.

Or she could be offended that you think she "gave up work" when the second child was born. I'd say she never worked harder!!

:rolleyes:

hullaballoo

She won it, so she probably enjoyed it. Maybe she went around buying expensive clothes, maybe she went around flaunting cash like everyone dreams of doing. It's perhaps a little selfish of her, but maybe she deserves it.

Just ask yourself if you think that she might work hard enough raising your two kids that she might be a little fed up not having any expendible income of her own, that you didn't have to work for.

As far as she's concerned it was a bit of guilt-free shopping. Or at least it was, until now. She might resent that you are asking her about it, because when you do, it's not guilt-free anymore.

I'm not having a go at you, it's just a thought.

LundiMardi

i think anyone who believes the first two points here must have some mental problems to think they can just go behind their partners back...

mad m

Marts wrote:

LOL! the best thing was the massive strip of bubble wrap

Ah yeah,classic.The fun just keeps going on and on....:D


Sorry for going OT.

LegacyUser

hullaballoo wrote:

She won it, so she probably enjoyed it. Maybe she went around buying expensive clothes, maybe she went around flaunting cash like everyone dreams of doing. It's perhaps a little selfish of her, but maybe she deserves it.

Just ask yourself if you think that she might work hard enough raising your two kids that she might be a little fed up not having any expendible income of her own, that you didn't have to work for.

As far as she's concerned it was a bit of guilt-free shopping. Or at least it was, until now. She might resent that you are asking her about it, because when you do, it's not guilt-free anymore.

I'm not having a go at you, it's just a thought.

She is more than welcome to "blow the cash " but just tell me !! As I said I am the most generous person going but 5k ? WTF ?

The_Goose

I doubt he ment gave up work as in she sits on her ass all day and ye know. Dumbass. But she definatly should have told him as he said money is tight. Demand to know were it went or at least why she didnt tell you????

vibe666

if you're going to confront her about it turn the tables and ask her how she'd feel if you'd won the money and not told her.

*either that or tell her you've been having an affair to get her back up and see if she blurts it out.

not condoned in any way.

LegacyUser

Litcagral wrote:

She may have donated it to charity.

Or she could be offended that you think she "gave up work" when the second child was born. I'd say she never worked harder!!

Doh !!!!! I refuse to state the obvious !!

turbot

Well, I know of other friends who took out a loan paid off credit cards, only to get a credit card statement a few months later to discover they had been maxed out again.

What had they been maxed out on? Bits and pieces. Kids clothes. Blankets for the buggy. The odd meal with friends here and there.

It sounds like you have a close relationship... and maybe her defensive reaction is because she had meant to tell you earlier, but then different things happened and suddenly she thought she'd have to justify the shortfall of a grand, and it just kept going.

When money's tight, and there are two kids involved, the maternal instinct can be to buy stuff for the house. It's also possible her parents / best friend / people around needed money or she wanted to surprise you in some way.

Given that you seem to trust her, perhaps it would be best to make a statement to the effect that, you do trust her and love her to bits, you feel like you have a right to know and if the same had happened to you, you'd tell her so you could both celebrate, you would like to know what happened and are dumbfounded that you don't, especially with working long hours, so if she tells you you won't be annoyed, and if she doesn't it will probably niggle at you.

I think, for the sake of your closeness, you need to figure this one out.

deisemum

Very strange to behave like that. Only last week I won a slab of beer and a beer shaped fridge, I was on the phone straight away to hubby to tell him much to his delight.

Maybe she's planning to surprise you with something, could be a family holiday later in the year. I hope she explains it to you just to get rid of any niggling or hurt feelings.

I used to hear older women on about their running away money. They'd save a little bit of their housekeeping just to have their own nest egg.
As already mentioned What's yours in mine and mine is my own.

cormie

mickymg2003 wrote:

She could have spent it on a surprise for you like a holiday of something.

I think this is probably it, do it as a nice surprise, behind your back, get peed off you found out about it. She sounds like a nice lady and that she loves you, I'd say it's coming your way in the form of a big surprise:D

kleefarr

Agree, it does sound strange, but give it time, there's nothing you can do about it now. You may discover something in a while.
At least it was €5K that she actually had. I got a big surprise when I had to pay off €40k of my wifes credit cards and store cards. Boy did that hurt. :eek:
Now she hasn't a card of any description, apart from the occasional lotto card and the usual birthday and Christmas cards.

hullaballoo

The_Goose wrote:

Dumbass.

Was that for me?

sadie06

I think perhaps your wife had run up some debt on her credit card(it's quite easy to run up 5 grand in rip off Ireland) and when she had her windfall saw it as a way to get clear and possibly never have to tell you. She sounds like a devoted mother and wife, and may have been trying to spare your feelings about the debt in the first place, and she might now feel a little exposed.

Hope it all works out for you.

BigCon

Jesus, why are people trying to justify this?
I'm sorry, but I would consider this almost on the same scale as cheating.
The're just keeping their heads above water and she gets and spends 5K without telling anyone?
She should have been ringing him in work excitedly telling him of her good fortune.
If she did buy a suprise for his birthday or whatever then I'm sure she would have come clean once he found the letter.
You need to sit her down and tell her how you feel betrayed by her secretive actions and ask her to explain without walking out of the room...

zAbbo

Drop her ass, who paid for the ticket?

Pigman II

Will people here stop playing 'guess what she did with the money'. The guy wants that particular answer from her, not from you dweebs.

As for her behaviour I think she is being unreasonable - especially since the guy made it clear to her that he doesn't care if she blew it all on vodka and cadbury creme eggs.

Stuff like:

"oh I meant to tell you but just forgot"

is total bullshít & ...

When I ask her very calmly what did she do with the money, she get annoyed and walks out of the room.

.... is the behaviour of a someone with a guilty conscience and it makes me suspect she has done something with it a little more serious that just 'have a good time with it' or 'buy you a surprise bday present. You shuold be worried, not for the fact that theres 5k gone but as to what exactly your wife is keeping from you.

Should I just forget all about it ????

No

Ag marbh

BigCon wrote:

Jesus, why are people trying to justify this?
I'm sorry, but I would consider this almost on the same scale as cheating.
The're just keeping their heads above water and she gets and spends 5K without telling anyone?
She should have been ringing him in work excitedly telling him of her good fortune.
If she did buy a suprise for his birthday or whatever then I'm sure she would have come clean once he found the letter.
You need to sit her down and tell her how you feel betrayed by her secretive actions and ask her to explain without walking out of the room...

I'd consider it close to cheating also!

Hagar

The question is do you really want to live with a deceptive mean person ?
I know I wouldn't.

RainyDay

One might wonder why the wife didn't feel comfortable telling the hubby? It could indicate a gambling problem, or a debt problem - or maybe just old-fashioned selfishness.

Nevyn

Or it could be that she wanted to but it way for a rainy day or has invested it.
Nothing wrong with wanting to have heaven forbid money or esp if you have children 'walk way' money.
It can be really frustrating when you are the stay at home parent feeling that you don't have any money of your own.

Hagar

Thaedydal wrote:

Nothing wrong with wanting to have heaven forbid money or esp if you have children 'walk way' money.

Solid relationships are based trust and committment. The concept of "walk away money" shows neither of these. IMHO if this is where the money went it's just one more reason for the OP to take along hard look at the relationship.

Slightly OT Has anyone ever heard of men discussing "walk away" money with friends?

Amazotheamazing

Depends really, if my partner was working until 10 o clock at night to provide for me and my kids I'd respect them enough to tell them I won some cash. There's really no obvious justification for keeping it secret.

As regards "walking away money"? Do women actually respect their husbands or is it a constant drudge until the inevitable break-up? I would never have considered keeping a separate hidden account from my wife (were I married) but clearly some women view it as a matter of course. Looks like I'll have to re-evaluate.

Pigman II

Hagar wrote:

Slightly OT Has anyone ever heard of men discussing "walk away" money with friends?

Never have, but that kind of logic doesn't surprise me. Comes from the same school of thought as 'what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine'

nedoo

Whatever she did with the cash, its gone now, f*&k it. The thing to worry about is what she is hiding. 5K is still a fair bit o' cash to get through with nothing to show. You are the breadwinner of the family and you should have been handed over that cash to put to use for the whole family.
To me a relationship is the same as going into business and if my business partner creamed 5K behind my back, I wouldn't have a business partner for very much longer! My advise is not to dump her, but you have every right to be annoyed and freaked . She is f*&king with your trust big time.
Hope you find out and work through it.

Ickle Magoo

I am a stay at home mum, my husband works.....any money earned is OURS to spend, any debts run up are OURS to pay off and any windfalls are OURS to enjoy.....I can't imagine a loving, trusting marraige with one earner working any other way....

I could never and would never withhold anything (winnings, info, debt, etc) from my husband, I certainly don't squirrel our money away incase I need to leave him one day - I imagine if you assume a relationship is going to fail, it probably will.....

I certainly have enough respect for him and the long hours he works to keep us all fed and clothed and a roof over our heads, to answer any questions he may have regarding 5K going walkies! :eek:

xzanti

OP... Have you noticed any developments in the boob department since this 5K disappeared?? Just a thought :rolleyes:

RainyDay

Thaedydal wrote:

Or it could be that she wanted to but it way for a rainy day

Leave me out ffs - I've never met the woman let alone taken any money off her.

Victor

I'm guessing at embarrassing factor, not deception as such.

Hagar wrote:

Slightly OT Has anyone ever heard of men discussing "walk away" money with friends?

Walk away money is a cynical way of putting it, but anyone should be able to have X amount of money should they need it for an emergency, whether work, medical, personal, marital or whatever.

If you needed to quit your job in the morning do you have enough money to tide you over for a month or two?

Hagar

The concept of hiding money from your spouse so you can run away, as opposed to joint savings, is a bit different don't you think.

Victor

Hagar wrote:

The concept of hiding money from your spouse so you can run away, as opposed to joint savings, is a bit different don't you think.

OK, can you boss keep your salary for the money and your saving until you need them? You trust your boss don't you?

TonyD79

Is there an anniversary coming up? perhaps she feels bad about spending it on her self ie eating out in fancy restaurants etc

Is it possible she used the money for medical treatment that she didn’t want you knowing about(not cosmetic!)

women are very secretive gamblers if you ask me especially the ones who have bills to pay at home and will often lie and conceal their actions to cover


This is ovbiously down to trust and you should tell her if she cant tell you the truth then you will always mistrust her.

The affection thing doesnt mean much if you ask me although if she stopped being affectionate recently then it would indicate something.

Hagar

Victor wrote:

OK, can you boss keep your salary for the money and your saving until you need them? You trust your boss don't you?

Maybe my experience of marriage is different.

AARRRGH

Very odd.

You need to sit down with her and figure out what's going on.

I really hope this isn't the moment you realise she's not the person you think she is... Hopefully it's a surprise present.

But you really need to talk to her and sort this out once and for all. It'll always be niggling away at the back of your brain and will come back and cause problems.

Talk to her!!!!

The Corinthian

“What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine also.”

Sorry Bitworried, but from your description of your situation you do have a responsibility and respect problem. As a married couple and family you’re pooling your resources and she’s unfortunately failed to adhere to this compact. Of course, the money may have given her a sense of independence, which is an understandable reason, but not an excuse for what she did, TBH. It’s also possibility that she blew it all on gambling, drugs, whatever - as people have suggested - but this is unlikely.

And she didn’t forget to tell you. No one forgets to mention winning €5k.

I would put your interpretation of the situation and your feelings surrounding it onto paper in the form of a case or argument, ultimately ending it by telling her that this episode has badly shaken your trust in her. Then I’d memorise the speech and say it to her. Then leave it at that. Even if she does not, apparently, want to discuss where the money went, why, or even that she consciously did it, then she’ll know that she’s screwed up badly and has a lot to make up for.

Zulu

Very strange!

TC's post is excenent advice.

The Corinthian

The Corinthian wrote:

“What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine also.”

Sorry Bitworried, but from your description of your situation you do have a responsibility and respect problem. As a married couple and family you’re pooling your resources and she’s unfortunately failed to adhere to this compact. Of course, the money may have given her a sense of independence, which is an understandable reason, but not an excuse for what she did, TBH. It’s also possibility that she blew it all on gambling, drugs, whatever - as people have suggested - but this is unlikely.

And she didn’t forget to tell you. No one forgets to mention winning €5k.

I would put your interpretation of the situation and your feelings surrounding it onto paper in the form of a case or argument, ultimately ending it by telling her that this episode has badly shaken your trust in her. Then I’d memorise the speech and say it to her. Then leave it at that. Even if she does not, apparently, want to discuss where the money went, why, or even that she consciously did it, then she’ll know that she’s screwed up badly and has a lot to make up for.

Best post in the thread tbh.
Except I'd add,I couldnt care less if a partner didnt tell me this.
If the money was there or wasnt there-nothing has changed.
I'd imagine the OP's wife has a logical reason for this and I'd say to her I expect you have and leave it at that.
I'd ask again maybe in 10 years or so.
It could be a surprise that she really really doesnt want to tell you about yet you know or she may have put the money into an investment bond for the kids or something(whether ye have any or not yet)

So my advice...
Forget about it and slot it down for asking in a decade or two.

Worry about more important things instead for fécks sake!

Zulu

Earthman wrote:

So my advice...
Forget about it and slot it down for asking in a decade or two.

Worry about more important things instead for fécks sake!

...well I wouldn't be that flippant about it. Something is amiss. I'd feel betrayed.

foggy

Given that the letter was dated Oct of last year, could the money have been spent on christmas presents.
Knowing that money was tight she might have wanted to splash out and give you all a good christmas.

Zulu

foggy wrote:

Given that the letter was dated Oct of last year, could the money have been spent on christmas presents.
Knowing that money was tight she might have wanted to splash out and give you all a good christmas.

Could have done this, could have done that, could have done the other.

She could have told her husband. He dosn't sound like he would have prevented her from spending it.
She could have told the truth. "can't remember", "this and that"?!?
She could have fessed up when he approacher her.

Secrets and lies, if there's one thing we can be sure of - every relationship gets stronger with secrets and lies.