lotto win, she never told me !

Dragan

Just thought i would throw this out there.

Maybe she got a suprise for you, or a big holiday and sorted someone to mind the kids or something.

It might not be bad , she might just want to tell you later.

Sleipnir

Dragan wrote:

Just thought i would throw this out there.

Maybe she got a suprise for you, or a big holiday and sorted someone to mind the kids or something.

It might not be bad , she might just want to tell you later.

Maybe she did but why would you get into a huff about it and storm out?
Wouldn't you just say
"Awww, I was going to surprise you!"

The Corinthian

Dragan wrote:

It might not be bad , she might just want to tell you later.

What are the chances? Seriously?

Woman comes home to find her husband with another woman. He protests that "it's not what you think" - and maybe he's right and he's completely blameless. But what are the chances of that either?

Unfortunately, the problem with the "it's not what you think" scenario is that it almost always is precisely what you think.

hepcat

Have thought about this one and just cannot agree that this could happen in an apparently stable happy and loving marriage.

You need to find out why your wife lied to you /withheld this information. Don't take no for an answer - if ye really are in a good relationship, she will not want to risk that by keeping this a secret. Perhaps emphasise that you don't mind where the money went so much as why she didn't tell you.

There must be a good (or more likely bad) reason why she won't tell you.

Dragan

The Corinthian wrote:

What are the chances? Seriously?

Not sure, but i'm just playing devils advocate here.

Things are not always what they seem. Tis all i'm trying to say.

Sherlock

This is a serious issue and can't be let go, I'm sure if the wife found out her husband blew 5k she wouldn't let it go. I know if it was my wife I'd keep at it until I found out the truth. Secrets like this aren't part of a healthy relationship.
Wonder if she used the money to help out a family member in debt and didn't want to admit it?

Talliesin

Bitworried wrote:

I have been working till 10 most nights just to keep our heads above water

In which case 5 grand disappearing into the general financial situation isn't that hard to believe.

Hagar wrote:

Slightly OT Has anyone ever heard of men discussing "walk away" money with friends?

Hmm. I have, but only my female friends, and it was their walk-away money being discussed.

The old wisdom that a woman should always have a stash of her own money does date back to a time when men being the sole financial provider wasn't just the norm, but almost exclusively the case, after all.

Zulu

Talliesin wrote:

In which case 5 grand disappearing into the general financial situation isn't that hard to believe.

It's not hard believing 5 grand got spent. It is hard believing that she has no momory or idea what she spent it on.

super_furry

Can't see how you could trust her at all now to be honest. If she's hiding the sudden gain of such a huge sum of money from you, what else is she hiding?

The Corinthian

Dragan wrote:

Not sure, but i'm just playing devils advocate here.

Things are not always what they seem. Tis all i'm trying to say.

I appreciate that, but more often than not they are. Given the OP’s almost apologetic tone, any other explanation - no matter how improbable - may be more palatable than the truth. And that may not be the best thing for him (or ultimately her).

Talliesin wrote:

In which case 5 grand disappearing into the general financial situation isn't that hard to believe.

Yes it is. When money is tight is precisely when you’re going to be accounting for every penny, it’s when you’re flush that some of it tends to end up unaccounted for.

LegacyUser

Username says it all mate... sounds like a few romantic dinners and an untraceable affair as its comming from a pool of cash you did'nt even know existed...

Ask for the receipts... 5k does'nt vanish... even some big purchase receipts...

I pity you... fact is, your not making a big deal out of it - she already has done that by not telling you.

Personally whatever the outcome, I'd never forget that, and once more... I'd perform some sort of educational revenge - Just so she would know what its like...

LegacyUser

I have to say I was a bit dissapointed after reading this thread. I thought the wife had actually won the lotto and not told him. That would have been a lot worse for the OP and a much better story.

If I were you, I would persist in getting her to tell you what she did with the money. Get her to read this thread and she might realise that most people think what she did just wasn't cricket.

~Leanne~

Mad stuff altogether! I certainly wouldnt keep that from my partner, i would use the money wisely or at least use it so we could both enjoy it!
5k is quite a bit of money to spend on "this and that"!!
I bet she used your credit card and lazer etc after she won this money????

If that was my fella he would be out on his ear.

AARRRGH

Leanne raises a good point.

Did she continue to use your Lazer and Credit Cards during her windfall period?

Zillah

Ask her mother, or sisters. If they didn't already know, they'll certainly help.


You really can't let something like that go. Seriously, 5k is a huge amount of money to simply vanish.

Hagar

Zillah wrote:

Ask her mother, or sisters. If they didn't already know, they'll certainly help.

Perhaps not, blood is thicker than water and women's blood is extra thick in these circumstances.

WhiteWashMan

Bitworried wrote:

Last week I found a letter dated oct 05 from the national lottery telling my wife "we enclose your cheque for 5000 euro" She won 5k on a scratch card and rather than go to the GPO, she posted it in and received a cheque by return. I have been working till 10 most nights just to keep our heads above water (she gave up work 3 yrs ago when our 2nd child was born). We get on great I thought ! When I showed her the letter she said " oh I meant to tell you but just forgot" As for the money..all gone, on what said I, This and that said she !!! I cannot see a single thing she might have bought..clothes, stuff for the house etc. I am not a mean person and have never pulled her up for using the credit card, laser etc. Whatever she needs/wants she can just go get it, I dont have a problem with that and I love her to bits, and she showers me with affection..always did since I met her and still does. When I ask her very calmly what did she do with the money, she get annoyed and walks out of the room. I dont care if she went to Howth Head and threw it in the sea, I just would like to know ! I know for certain she is not having an affair etc. She is a wonderful wife/mother/carer/lover..But this is so unlike her and i dont know what to do. Should I just forget all about it ????

if she walked out of the room, then she probably has something to hide.
sounds like exeedingly bizarre behaviour to me.
whether or not she sees htings the way you do (with regards wanting for nothing, youd be surprised how differently people fele about these things) the fact remains that she didnt tell you about this for 3-4 months.
and one does not simply forget about a 5k win, unless one earns an awful lot of money.
personally, id want to follow it up and find out exaclty what the deal is, and more importantly, why she never mentoined it.

let us know when you do find out

The Clown Man

Tell her you are going to take her name off the credit cards, laser cards, etc. even if you can't.

Tell her you have lost confidence in how she manages your (plural) money and from now on you will buy everything that is needed and she will get pocketmoney of €30 per week. If she cannot help make ends meet then you will have to do it yourself.

You will not of course have to do any of this (and probably couldn't anyway) but I think it may help her see things in a new light, and will definately stop her walking out of the room.


What I would do anyway.

yeah man i'd say you def have to find out what she did with it
it could have been spent on anything :eek:
anyway it eat away at your trust in her and your relationship until you found out

Miss Fluff

Bitworried wrote:

I have been working till 10 most nights just to keep our heads above water (she gave up work 3 yrs ago when our 2nd child was born).

You're obviously not really flush for money if you're working those extra hours. Your wife might think that had she told you, you'd take the foot of the pedal somewhat and suddenly think you're better off and not be bringing in the same amount by working longer hours. Woman's logic mate, trust me...

seamus

Pigman II wrote:

is total bullshít & ...

.... is the behaviour of a someone with a guilty conscience and it makes me suspect she has done something with it a little more serious that just 'have a good time with it' or 'buy you a surprise bday present. You shuold be worried, not for the fact that theres 5k gone but as to what exactly your wife is keeping from you.

Women don't "forget" to tell you things. Something like this is gossip/news and women retain this information like a camel retains water.

A woman will remember that her second cousin's first-born's friend had a bad bout of the mumps a few months back, so there's no way in hell she'll forget that she won €5k.

The only thing I can suggest is to make it clear to her about how much it's upset you. There's obviously the possibility that she's gotten some great suprise for you, and she's using the suspense to try and make it even better, but you just have to push her. You're her husband, you have a right to know what she did with the money IMO. A marraige is a relationship where both partners have a full and equal share.

Zulu

Miss Fluff wrote:

Woman's logic mate, trust me...

Is it also "womens logic" to tell lies?

To me (and the OP, I'm pretty sure) the whole problem isn't the money, it's the secrets and lies.

She didn't tell him - why?
When confronted, she lied - why?

I really don't think the OP cares about the money tbh.

Miss Fluff

Zulu wrote:

Is it also "womens logic" to tell lies?

Yes, it is sometimes. For whatever reason she chose not to tell the OP, it made sense to her at the time to keep it from him.

Your wife has not been earning and so hasn't had financial independence for quite some time. She might have chosen not to tell you and just dip into it occasionally to treat herself. Think of it this way, had she told you she'd won, might you have suggested that you pay off the remaining debt on your car/widescreen TV/something really mundane? Not having a go at you, but she might be thinking, I won it, I spend it.....

super_furry

Miss Fluff wrote:

Your wife has not been earning and so hasn't had financial independence for quite some time. She might have chosen not to tell you and just dip into it occasionally to treat herself. Think of it this way, had she told you she'd won, might you have suggested that you pay off the remaining debt on your car/widescreen TV/something really mundane? Not having a go at you, but she might be thinking, I won it, I spend it.....

Well how would she be fixed if he thought about his wages like that? I earned it, I spent it........

I can't see any happy outcome. At the very least she's being disgustingly selfish and at worst, she's destroyed all trust in the relationship.

Miss Fluff

super_furry wrote:

Well how would she be fixed if he thought about his wages like that? I earned it, I spent it........

I can't see any happy outcome. At the very least she's being disgustingly selfish and at worst, she's destroyed all trust in the relationship.

I agree with you super_furry but this is probably the first money she has had to call her own in years, and probably wants to keep it that way imo

Sleipnir

Miss Fluff wrote:

Yes, it is sometimes. For whatever reason she chose not to tell the OP, it made sense to her at the time to keep it from him.

Your wife has not been earning and so hasn't had financial independence for quite some time. She might have chosen not to tell you and just dip into it occasionally to treat herself. Think of it this way, had she told you she'd won, might you have suggested that you pay off the remaining debt on your car/widescreen TV/something really mundane? Not having a go at you, but she might be thinking, I won it, I spend it.....

What!?!?!?!

Woman: "Well you work all week so you have financial indepenance and I'm at home all day so I should get to spend 5 grand on myself.
Anyway, you'd only want to pay back a credit card and stop paying the interest on it every month or something "mundane" like that. I think you should keep working to pay off our debts and I'll spend this 5000 euro on "this and that"

I do believe you're talking out of your hat!

Pigman II

Miss Fluff wrote:

I agree with you super_furry but this is probably the first money she has had to call her own in years, and probably wants to keep it that way imo

Ah well that's ok then isn't it? Perhaps the OP should syphon €50 a week out of the joint account for the next two years just so he has 'some money to call his own' too.

Sleipnir

Miss Fluff wrote:

I agree with you super_furry but this is probably the first money she has had to call her own in years, and probably wants to keep it that way imo

Well, should the man then apply the "whatever I gets, I keeps" to his salary"?
I'm sure the OP gives her as much money as she needs to wants.

He works all day to pay for all they need.
She wins a big chunk of cash and keeps it ALL for herself. She doesn't give him one single solitary euro out of it.

How can you possibly defend that selfish dishonesty?

Mexicola

Why dont you print out all these posts and present them to her??

Maybe she'll cough up then.

toffeapple

Someone said (im not even gonna recognise it with a quote) the is probably the first money she's had in years...so what this does not warrant dishonesty...
The fact of the matter is she kept it from because she knew even if you found out you wouldn't do anything about it...and you didnt..you can tell from your post by the way you defend her by saying "she lavishs attention on me" or whatever ..so what? this is what couples do.....she obviously knows she has control over you, as she was able to turn it around and walk out of the room and act offended when you asked a completely justified question....you know your not going to take it any further so why torture your self....just get on with it and watch your money carefully now......make her account for every penny she spends for a couple of weeks to show her what trust and honesty means...make her ask you for money....
and before the women jump down my throat..its not cos shes a woman same rule applies whats dishonest is dishonest simple as that.

Miss Fluff

Sleipnir wrote:

Well, should the man then apply the "whatever I gets, I keeps" to his salary"?
I'm sure the OP gives her as much money as she needs to wants.

He works all day to pay for all they need.
She wins a big chunk of cash and keeps it ALL for herself. She doesn't give him one single solitary euro out of it.

How can you possibly defend that selfish dishonesty?

Sleipnir, I distinctly recall that the OP asked Boardsters what his wife may have done with the money. I gave my opinion. At what stage did I defend that selfish dishonesty as you so eloquently put it?

Hagar

I don't wish to advocate violence but I think we should all go down and give her a jolly good pinch.:mad:

toffeapple

Miss Fluff wrote:

Yes, it is sometimes. For whatever reason she chose not to tell the OP, it made sense to her at the time to keep it from him.

Your wife has not been earning and so hasn't had financial independence for quite some time. She might have chosen not to tell you and just dip into it occasionally to treat herself. Think of it this way, had she told you she'd won, might you have suggested that you pay off the remaining debt on your car/widescreen TV/something really mundane? Not having a go at you, but she might be thinking, I won it, I spend it.....

what if the OP got a raise and "forgot" to tell his wife so he could treat himself? whats this about financial independence? its a marraige..a partnership.

Sleipnir

Miss Fluff wrote:

Sleipnir, I distinctly recall that the OP asked Boardsters what his wife may have done with the money. I gave my opinion. At what stage did I defend that selfish dishonesty as you so eloquently put it?

Miss Fluff wrote:

but this is probably the first money she has had to call her own in years, and probably wants to keep it that way imo

Everyone single one of your posts has attempted to excuse her actions.

Sleipnir

Sleipnir wrote:

Everyone single one of your posts has attempted to excuse her actions.

I wouldn't call that an excuse, I'd call it an opinion trying to present her side. Not defend it.

Sleipnir

bluewolf wrote:

I wouldn't call that an excuse, I'd call it an opinion trying to present her side. Not defend it.

Well,

a.) Miss Fluff isn't the woman in question so she's hardly in a position to present the other woman's side.
b.) None of her opinions on this subject hold any water.

Also, many people on boards seems to think that once they say "IMO" or "I'm entitled to my opinion" it means that they don't have to defend their "opinion" or position on a subject.

It's not enough to just "have" an opinion, you also need to be able to defend it.

Miss Fluff

Sleipnir wrote:

Everyone single one of your posts has attempted to excuse her actions.

Read them again sweetie, I'm merely presenting the wife's side in a hypothetical fashion lest this thread descends into a misogynistic "all women are bitches" anti-woman fest...very few women have replied

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote:

Or it could be that she wanted to but it way for a rainy day or has invested it.
Nothing wrong with wanting to have heaven forbid money or esp if you have children 'walk way' money.
It can be really frustrating when you are the stay at home parent feeling that you don't have any money of your own.

Thaedyadal has a point. Additionally dependency can lead people do doing things like this.

It may not seem fair, but whoever said marriage was fair. He who pays the piper calls the tune so to speak.

As the breadwinner, he has the means to leave if it all goes sour whereas she doesnt.

It is considered smart for a stay at home wife/mother to have a resource she can fall back on in case things turn sour.

Ok, so then its the secrecy thats the problem? Well who in a marriage is going to want to bring up the what if it all goes terribly wrong conversation? Isnt one of the lies marriage is based on is that there is no way it will all go terribly wrong and love can last a lifetime? Doesnt that conversation bring up all sorts of fault lines which have been swept under the rug?

seamus

notsobad wrote:

As the breadwinner, he has the means to leave if it all goes sour whereas she doesnt.

It is considered smart for a stay at home wife/mother to have a resource she can fall back on in case things turn sour.

You see, I think that's complete bull. It's as bad as signing a pre-nuptial agreement - you're consciously and continually reasserting the doubt which plague many relationships. Inadvertantly you're convincing yourself that the relationship may not be as solid as it should be, which is a relationship killer.

Besides, it's not the 1920's anymore. Men don't come home, throw a bit of cash at the wife and drink the rest. When the man legs it, the wife isn't left with no home, no money and no skills. A private nest egg to fall back on is a whole pile of modern-day misandry.

Ok, so then its the secrecy thats the problem? Well who in a marriage is going to want to bring up the what if it all goes terribly wrong conversation? Isnt one of the lies marriage is based on is that there is no way it will all go terribly wrong and love can last a lifetime? Doesnt that conversation bring up all sorts of fault lines which have been swept under the rug?

If a marraige is built upon a whole pile of plastered-up cracks and promises of "Don't mention the war", then it's doomed to failure anyway.

Sleipnir

Miss Fluff wrote:

Read them again sweetie, I'm merely presenting the wife's side in a hypothetical fashion lest this thread descends into a misogynistic "all women are bitches" anti-woman fest...very few women have replied

Well that's fair enough then, I wouldn't agree that all women are bitches and if you want to present it for the reasons you've stated, all the best.

However, I do believe that that *this* woman is a bitch for hiding this from her hard-working husband.

Hagar

notsobad wrote:

Ok, so then its the secrecy thats the problem? Well who in a marriage is going to want to bring up the what if it all goes terribly wrong conversation? Isnt one of the lies marriage is based on is that there is no way it will all go terribly wrong and love can last a lifetime? Doesnt that conversation bring up all sorts of fault lines which have been swept under the rug?

My wife and I have had that conversation and every other one you can imagine over the years. We wil be married 25 years on Valentine's Day. Take it from me, open-ness, trust, honesty and respect is the only way to go.

Miss Fluff

seamus wrote:

Inadvertantly you're convincing yourself that the relationship may not be as solid as it should be, which is a relationship killer.

Not necessarily. I think it's terribly sad and grossly cynical but is realistic too. If a woman in this situation is in any way unsure about her marriage and it's longevity surely it must be of some comfort to know that she can leg it if needs be and has the resources to do so?

To the OP, last comment was in response to Seamus. Not for one minute suggesting that your other half is about to leg it btw!!

toffeapple

Miss Fluff wrote:

Not necessarily. I think it's terribly sad and grossly cynical but is realistic too. If a woman in this situation is in any way unsure about her marriage and it's longevity surely it must be of some comfort to know that she can leg it if needs be and has the resources to do so?

To the OP, last comment was in response to Seamus. Not for one minute suggesting that your other half is about to leg it btw!!

You cant defend it...she didnt even come clean when confronted...shows lack of respect and honesty..this can not be defended no matter how you try and justify her actions..I appreciate that your the only woman and feel a duty to defend or exonorate her actions but this is not a male/female battle its about deception.

Zulu

Miss Fluff wrote:

Yes, it is sometimes. For whatever reason she chose not to tell the OP, it made sense to her at the time to keep it from him.

That's not a "woman's" logic. Thats just a dishonest person being dishonest.

The thing that really annoys me here is: YOU are relating this negative trait to women, yet cry "misogynistic "all women are bitches" anti-woman fest". Your own ignorance is your worst enemy. :rolleyes:

Miss Fluff wrote:

Sleipnir, I distinctly recall that the OP asked Boardsters what his wife may have done with the money.

...well you distinctly recall incorrectly. The op asked "Should I just forget all about it ????". His concern was the dishonesty.

Zulu

Miss Fluff wrote:

If a woman in this situation is in any way unsure about her marriage and it's longevity surely it must be of some comfort to know that she can leg it if needs be and has the resources to do so?

I would have taught the best approach would be an open and honest conversation before it ever got that far. ...that's just my opinion. Who knows, you might iron out problems. But thats me. I'm of the whole marrage for life concept.

But perhaps you're right. Perhaps the best approach is to say nothing and start squrreling away money for the enivitable break-up. At least with this approach you're pretty much assured the outcome you suspected.

seamus

Miss Fluff wrote:

If a woman in this situation is in any way unsure about her marriage and it's longevity surely it must be of some comfort to know that she can leg it if needs be and has the resources to do so?

Sweet Jesus.....that's easily the most cynical viewpoint I've ever heard. Imagine a man was in the same situation, and he put away a chunk of his pay packet every week because he had a feeling that there was a chance his relationship is going down the tubes, and when it does, he has a bit of money to find himself an apartment to rent, and but some new utensils and other things.

Is he being resourceful and forward-looking, or is he just being cowardly, selfish and cynical?

Miss Fluff

toffeapple wrote:

...she didnt even come clean when confronted...shows lack of respect and honesty..QUOTE]

Exactly. Which would apparently be symtomatic of other problems in the marriage then.

Zulu

Miss Fluff wrote:

Exactly. Which would apparently be symtomatic of other problems in the marriage then.

Bit of a leap there don't you think - or do you know something we dont?

Miss Fluff

Zulu wrote:

I would have taught the best approach would be an open and honest conversation before it ever got that far. ...that's just my opinion. Who knows, you might iron out problems. But thats me. I'm of the whole marrage for life concept.

Ditto, and I'm not in disagreement with you there Zulu. I too would like to think marriage is for life and feel really strongly about it but unfortunately not everything is perfect in a perfect world

Thing is, I actually know someone ferreting away money in this very manner so she can make her exit when the time is right....sad and cynical but true.

The Corinthian

Miss Fluff wrote:

Not necessarily. I think it's terribly sad and grossly cynical but is realistic too. If a woman in this situation is in any way unsure about her marriage and it's longevity surely it must be of some comfort to know that she can leg it if needs be and has the resources to do so?

I would agree that this is a likely, and even understandable, reason, but not a justification. After all, similar logic and be applied to infidelity and while it may explain why it happened, it does not justify it. So, while I may be wrong, you appear to feel her actions are justified, which is a rather dubious moral position.

Still, it probably important for the OP to know why his wife deceived him, much in the same way that a cuckold should know why his or her other half deceived them.

Read them again sweetie

Cute. I like that.