Losing Virginity

LegacyUser

I am 20 years old, and have never had sex, or had a boyfriend. I've wanted to since I was 16 or so but I've never met a guy. I don't go out that much anyway and I'm really shy, I don't know how to talk to guys normally, like guys at college, in the bar etc. I don't flirt and stuff like other girls.

I'd always considered casual sex a really bad thing, for trashy people (my parents are religious) so never even thought about doing it. I assumed that when I lost my virginity it would be with a serious boyfriend. This year at college I moved into a new flat, and my flatmates party loads. They are always bringing guys home, and don't see it as a big deal at all. I went out with them a couple of weeks ago and this guy came over, I started dancing with him, and was for a few hours. We kissed etc and I felt really turned on. My flatmate was with another guy, who lived with mine. At the end of the night she agreed to let them stay at our place because theirs was too far away. I was getting really nervous, assuming I would be sleeping with this guy. I wanted to but this wasn't how I pictured losing my virginity, and I barely knew him. When we got back, we were all sitting in the living room talking. Eventually my flatmate and her guy went to her bedroom to have sex, and mine was expecting us to do the same. I told him I was on my period and he was fine about it and slept on the couch. when I went to bed I couldn't sleep and kept wishing I'd slept with him.

I'm thinking the reason I felt like this was I was drunk, so felt it was a bad idea to do something I wouldn't have done sober. At the same time I wish I'd tried it. I'm not sure how I would feel about losing my virginity like this, I used to think it would be awful but now I think it's not that big of a deal? I'm probably going to be in the same situation next weekend and don't know what to do.

Canis Lupus

You do what you want, when you want. If you don't want to your not weird or anything. Whatever choice you make, if you're comfortable with it then it's all good.

By the way, did you keep your mans phone number? You didn't know him last time you were out but ever consider getting to know him more?

fletch

Good on ya for not feeling peer pressured into having sex....that took guts...as the previous poster said, do whatever you want when you feel ready to do it.
I'm telling you, you would have felt so cheap the next morning when you woke up with this stranger in the bed beside you whom you lost your virginity to. Well Done...the right guy will come along and you'll know

padser

ShyGirl06 wrote:

I I told him I was on my period and he was fine about it and slept on the couch.

been there, heard that, knew it wasnt true

On the othe issue........as nike say.............


Just do it

Zombrex

ShyGirl06 wrote:

I'm thinking the reason I felt like this was I was drunk, so felt it was a bad idea to do something I wouldn't have done sober. At the same time I wish I'd tried it. I'm not sure how I would feel about losing my virginity like this, I used to think it would be awful but now I think it's not that big of a deal? I'm probably going to be in the same situation next weekend and don't know what to do.

You were drunk and horny nothing to be concerned about, but just make sure you don't do anything you regret in the morning, you might really want to do it at the time but then you might think you wasted your virginity on someone you don't know.

As someone else said, maybe try and see if anything might develop with fellas you pick up. I mean nothing says you have to shag them, or even bring them back to your place. Despite the preception people seem to have of young men these days, most of them are happy for a snog on the dance floor and a phone number at the end of the night.

In fact, judging by what people saying on Personal Issues all the time, a girl would seem to have a better chance of find a boyfriend, rather than a casual f**k, if you don't bring them back to your place at the end of the night.

Dave!

Sounds like you're just nervous about it tbh...

It's not a big deal whether you have sex or not, so if you don't want to, don't, and if you do want to, do! Sounds simple, but sure easier said than done!

Try not to worry about it so much, it doesn't have to be a big deal. If you want to wait until you're in a serious relationship then do! But you don't have to, sex doesn't have to be on your wedding night, it can just be fun if that's all you want

AngryBadger

From the sounds of it, you were right not to have sex with this guy. It seems like you want your first time to be with someone you care about, and that's great. Believe it or not, (maybe not given my rep ), but many moons ago I was dating a girl your age, same situation, with her. She really wanted to take the plunge, but my feeling was that she really wasn't ready. Subsequently she broke up with me, because I wouldn't have sex with her.

years later, she told me this, (already I'd already figured that much out), and she thanked me, saying i was right, and she hadn't been ready at all, so I'd say stay the course, and wait until you're comfortable with someone.

The other thing is, you could consider having a casual encounter with someone that you had time to get to know beforehand, it all depends on what you want.

I'd say in this particular case, you were right not to sleep with the guy, give yourself time to decide exactly what you want, and then go for it.

oh, one more thing, re: talking to guys, talk to them like you would talk to your girlfriends. Believe me, you'll get a far better response from the majority of guys by doing this, since it'll let them see that you're confident, and in control of your own ****. Also it'll deter the louses who just want to get into your panties, and the guys who do respond are more likely to be the decent type.

Zillah

Losing your virginity is only a big deal if you make it a big deal. I think you should have slept with him, had fun, and in the morning say goodbye or go get breakfast, whatever. Then by the time you meet mister right you'll know what youre doing and what you like. You'll only feel crap the morning after if you make yourself feel bad.

judas101

Zillah wrote:

Losing your virginity is only a big deal if you make it a big deal. I think you should have slept with him, had fun, and in the morning say goodbye or go get breakfast, whatever. Then by the time you meet mister right you'll know what youre doing and what you like. You'll only feel crap the morning after if you make yourself feel bad.

this guy is better than Dr. Phil!

crazymonkey

just do it and get it over with, and enjoy it after that!!

In IRL

I think you're not yet ready to lose it. One is ready when they quit questioning about it. You asking us on the board obviously shows that you have an issue with it.

All you are going to get from the board is other peoples opinion. And you are the one who decides whether THEIR opinion will influence YOU. Sure, what other people think is important but, why don't you follow your OWN opinion without others influencing on you.

Consciously or subconsciously, your flatmates behaviour is influencing you. Last year I was in the same kind of situation. I went out more with the more party-going flatmates. This year, not as much with my quiter roommate. Them sleeping with randomers will make it seem alright to do so to you. Once you stop having a bond with your current flatmates, you may feel bad about losing it.

Here's what I think with the virginity issue, maybe you can go out more meet more people, socialise more, kiss more boys/men, etc...Only then, when you feel you are ready.

You going out more will increase your chance of getting a boyfriend + meeting "better" guys. I don't know... girls who don't go out seem to hook up with the weirdest guys I reckon it's because they don't go out much so they don't know what quality of a man they can get! So they stick with the first thing that comes along.

You've kept your virginity for 20years why not wait just a little bit longer when you could be doing it with someone you like, and know you won't regret.

It is upto you to decide/find out.

TBH, I think sexual frustration may be an issue there, too.:rolleyes:

In IRL

crazymonkey wrote:

just do it and get it over with, and enjoy it after that!!

monkey! what are you doing at 4 oclock in the morning?

Zombrex

crazymonkey wrote:

just do it and get it over with, and enjoy it after that!!

Thats a bit silly. Just do it for the sake of doing it? Why?

No one is going to care this girl is a virgin. She shouldn't feel any rush, especially by others.

Zombrex

Zillah wrote:

Losing your virginity is only a big deal if you make it a big deal.

Neither is being a virgin.

If it doesn't feel right why do it?

Ickle Magoo

OP,

If you are not ready to have sex or do not feel in anyway comfortable about having sex with a particular person, then don't do it.....don't do it to get it over with or just because you want to know what it is like.....if you wait for a good man that you love and trust the sex will be a million times better than a drunken fumble with some eejit who just wants to jump your bones without even knowing your surname.....it takes time and patience to get to know someone and what turns them on - I'd advise you to take your time finding someone you want to give your virginity to, so you don't regret it and so you thoroughly enjoy the experience.

tomboy_100

Ickle Magoo wrote:

OP,

If you are not ready to have sex or do not feel in anyway comfortable about having sex with a particular person, then don't do it.....don't do it to get it over with or just because you want to know what it is like.....if you wait for a good man that you love and trust the sex will be a million times better than a drunken fumble with some eejit who just wants to jump your bones without even knowing your surname.....it takes time and patience to get to know someone and what turns them on - I'd advise you to take your time finding someone you want to give your virginity to, so you don't regret it and so you thoroughly enjoy the experience.

Here here!


go out, enjoy yourself, and don't cross certain fences until you know you're ready to. While you're still questioning/thinking that you're ready to lose it, you're probably not, so don't. You're obviously a girl with decent morals and a decent mind (religious or not- that's irrelevant). Stay that way. You're a better catch than your flatmates - trust me. Imagine I had the choice of going out with you or your flatmates knowing what shenadigans go on in your accomodation? it's a no-brainer. you win with flying colours.
but also think of this: Imagine if the fella said "I'll sleep on the couch" before you said you were going to bed alone.... would you have felt wierd/rejected? Would you think there's something wrong with him just because he's probably got the same questions whirling around in his head that you have? if the anser is no, then you're as patient as he is. Think about it... And AngryBadger's advice above is sound. Learn from the man with the "reputation" (whatever that means!) Sorry AngryBadger....

Talliesin

OP,
it seems to me that you have two things going on around this at the same time.

Firstly, you are reconsidering your attitude towards sex and losing your virginity. Secondly, you are finding yourself in situations where doing so is a definite immediate possibility.

Of course, the second matter puts pressure on you, if only in your own mind, to answer the first quickly. Don't.

There are lots of good arguments that can be made for changing your previous attitude towards sex, but these are merely arguments and view points. No one can say what is the right way for you to live with your sexuality and when, how, and how much to express it.

I would have great differences with the attitude that "casual sex [is] a really bad thing, for trashy people", but differences just as great with "just do it and get it over with".

Now, just doing it and getting it over with has some advantages to be sure. And some would almost go as far as to say that your first sexual experiences (which tend to be underwhelming at a physical level) should if anything be experienced with someone you aren't in love with. That said sex with someone you are in love with is better in at least some ways, so waiting until then is not a decision without merit.

I find myself in agreement with Tom Robbins, "...while sex without love could have its thrills and satisfaction, sex without soul was like salad without dressing - a bowl of roughage fit for cattle and goats." For some people a casual encounter can be sex with soul, for others it can't, and is best avoided. Sex you engage in out of desperation, discomfort with your position, or to go with the flow is almost always going to be soulless.

In a similar way, a relationship based purely on sex can be rewarding, on its own or because it develops into something else, but not if it's soulless sex.

Make your decision in your own time. Make it one you can live with. Live with it.

If nothing else, take from how close you got the knowledge that you are certainly attractive enough that you could have bedded that man if you wanted, and you are living as you choose entirely because it is how you choose to live.

trishw78

^^^ DITTO - Talliesin^^^

listen to your gut instincts... I am a big believer in this mantra. I lost my virginity in a one nighter. That was right for me 'cause I listened to what was going on inside it wasn't the alcohol. I was a virgin untill I was 27 I'm 28 now. I, like you was always questioning myself when guys either invited me home or they came back to where ever I was saying and I did the same as you told them I was on the rag. I think at one point I was on the rag for 2 months haha.

So wait till your ready, only you know when your ready nobody else can tell you.

Faith

ShyGirl06 wrote:

I told him I was on my period and he was fine about it and slept on the couch. when I went to bed I couldn't sleep and kept wishing I'd slept with him.

So he was still on the couch whilst you were in bed wishing you'd slept with him? This means you had the oppertunity to go back on your decision and sleep with him afterall, but you didn't. This says to me that you're really not ready mentally, although you may be physically. Wait until you KNOW it's right, IMO, not when you THINK it should be.

py2006

Faith wrote:

So he was still on the couch whilst you were in bed wishing you'd slept with him? This means you had the oppertunity to go back on your decision and sleep with him afterall, but you didn't. This says to me that you're really not ready mentally, although you may be physically. Wait until you KNOW it's right, IMO, not when you THINK it should be.

Good advice there!

Victor

There is a lot of fun somewhere between kissing and having sex.

Chucky the tree

Victor wrote:

There is a lot of fun somewhere between kissing and having sex.

Like watching a comedy dvd?

The Sweeper

*cough* catholicguilt *cough*

I used to suffer from that - even though I wasn't a religious person myself. I'd been indoctrinated into believing sex was a bad thing, that my first time had to be Special (note the capitals) and that even if no sex before marriage was too much to ask, sex in a long term relationship after marriage has been discussed should be the bare minimum.

As a result, I lost my virginity at 17 by lying about it ("Me? A Virgin? Of course not!"), picking a bloke who was essentially little more than an extension of his penis ("you look like you'll do - fab") and having something of an "Is it in? Good. Now get it out" experience.

Do I regret it? Not really. It helped me get over a hurdle entirely of my own creation - and once it was done, I had far, far more fun.

People say your first time should be special.

I don't believe that. Even if your first time is with a special person, it can go wrong in lots of ways - you get your period unexpectedly, somebody walks in on you, the condom breaks, he cums in precisely 2 seconds, you're so uncomfortably stiff that it hurts, he behaves like a royal prick the next day...

Losing your virginity is like your wedding day. If you lose sight of what you're trying to achieve, you can believe it ruined when something incidental goes wrong. Do it on your terms, nobody elses.

Anyway - want to know the first thing you'll do after you have sex for the first time?

...you'll think "so that's what it's like!"

Want to know the second thing that you'll do?

..."I wonder what that would be like with someone else."

Anto and Moe

He he, you should have put up a pole and let people vote on your virginity... You can learn allot about chastity and it's cosmic importance at

http://www.ironhymen.com/ with such informatve articles as "ten things every girl should know about boys and their vile parts".

Or for another outlook you could check out the link below...

Zombrex

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

People say your first time should be special.

I don't believe that.

True but you don't need to go out of your way to have a crap experience just to get it over and done with.

I'm quite surprise that a lot of people here seem to think it is much more important to get it just over and done with than to actually be happy about the choices you make with something as important as your sexuality and body.

I blame feminism TBH... :v:

LegacyUser

Its harder for a guy in your situation. Just let it come. No-one cares or judges girls on this

alfa147

tbh i would just get it over and done with, i know that sounds kinda crude but the first time sucks anyway. from a blokes point of view i would dislike going out with a girl who has never done it before id rather she knew what she was doin. one or two one night stands would sort that out and ur a girl so its not as if u can't get any.

trishw78

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

Anyway - want to know the first thing you'll do after you have sex for the first time?

...you'll think "so that's what it's like!"

Want to know the second thing that you'll do?

..."I wonder what that would be like with someone else."

tbh, my second thought was "I have to tell someone"

The Sweeper

Heh - yes well there's that too.

I don't mean you should make a hasty choice about someone just to get your virginity out of the way. The first person I slept with was a friend, not a stranger. We also ended up going out for a while when I was still in college. What I didn't do was expect bubble baths and rose petals.

I chose someone I believed I could trust, used a condom, had sex in the afternoon on a quiet day when nobody was likely to come knocking by and interrupt, made unrelated plans for later on that evening and, most importantly, was stone cold sober, but unstressed and relaxed.

The sex was useless - of course it was, the magic of virginity is no substitute for the magic of experience. However, it was on my own terms, in a situation that I could control, with someone I liked and respected. (Incidentally I told him at a later date that it had actually been my first time - he was glad I hadn't told him at the time because he'd only had sex about three times in his life before that and was nervous and fumbling anyway, if I'd told him it would've made it worse, apparently!)

Afterwards I realised it wasn't the huge deal I thought it would be, I was glad I'd done it and it wasn't a bad experience.

My best mate at the time lost her viginity, pissed, under a sleeping bag in the middle of the floor in a room full of seven other drunk people, to the university manwhore.

I know which experience I'd have rather had...

trishw78

It's never like the movies no matter how much you'd like it be...

constitutionus

OP-as alot of people have said the important thing is to have sex WHEN YOU WANT TO
theres nothing wrong in waiting if its what you really want, in fact if you just have a one night stand to get it out of the way you'll probably feel cheap.

i'll be honest i lost mine on a one night stand on holidays, i WOULD have liked to be in a meaningful relationship but to be honest i got fed up waiting so when i went for it i went in KNOWING it was just a one off.

it DOESNT detract from when you have sex for the first time with someone you love. in fact emotionally its a totally different affair to just a drunken tumble so dont think it'll cheapen any future relationships worth (and just so you know the drunken tumbles are FUN, so long as you go in in the right mindset:D )

an important thing to remember is people ARENT having as much sex as you might think they are, sure were more active than our parents (although i sometimes wonder about that, just because it wasnt as in your face as our generation doesnt mean it didnt happen ) but as was posted earlier most people are lucky to get a snog and a number. people exagerate all the time your problem is your living with girls! and guess who picks when to get laid, your flatmates could look like the back of a bus and get laid if they dont care who they sleep with. it doesnt mean ALL other girls are at it as much so dont feel preasured to conform (unless of course its what you want )

Zillah

Wicknight wrote:

Neither is being a virgin.

True.

If it doesn't feel right why do it?

Because I think she did want to, but it was silly preconceptions and unfounded fear holding her back.

judas101 wrote:

this guy is better than Dr. Phil!

Thank you?