am i mean????

LegacyUser

hey this might seem trivial but i am really upset today over what has been a build up of small events over the past few months..basically i took a year outta college last year as I had a baby . ...since then i have come back to complete the course my daughter have our own accomodation

my problem is i feel i have been used to the last as a place to crash . i was geting a bit sick of it so started making excuses each time i was being asked hoping that it wud get the message across but it hasnt one of my friends in particular has just asked recently to stay a while as he is having some trouble wit the landlord so i had no prob really with this but i said he cud just stay until that weekend ..which he got all insulted about and ended up not coming down at all..to b honest i didnt really care until today i heard this back and my friend sayin it made out like i was a real stingy cow . i feel bad because its prob true but feel people are not taking my child into consideration at all i really dont think its appropraite environment to have a baby in ..or am i just being selfish and sad ..kinow this might seem pretty trivial but its starting to bug me and feel like im loosing friends over it..am i being sad ?

meditraitor

0000unreg wrote:

hey this might seem trivial but i am really upset today over what has been a build up of small events over the past few months..basically i took a year outta college last year as I had a baby . ...since then i have come back to complete the course my daughter have our own accomodation

my problem is i feel i have been used to the last as a place to crash . i was geting a bit sick of it so started making excuses each time i was being asked hoping that it wud get the message across but it hasnt one of my friends in particular has just asked recently to stay a while as he is having some trouble wit the landlord so i had no prob really with this but i said he cud just stay until that weekend ..which he got all insulted about and ended up not coming down at all..to b honest i didnt really care until today i heard this back and my friend sayin it made out like i was a real stingy cow . i feel bad because its prob true but feel people are not taking my child into consideration at all i really dont think its appropraite environment to have a baby in ..or am i just being selfish and sad ..kinow this might seem pretty trivial but its starting to bug me and feel like im loosing friends over it..am i being sad ?

Maybe you should re-consider who your friends are! they sound petty and inconsiderate to me.

Beruthiel

0000unreg wrote:

..am i being sad ?

no
you are being a responsible parent, good for you.
a baby needs routine, I doubt you'll have that if people are coming and going all the time at all hours.
Fair enough if someone just wants to crash for a night now and again, but to think it's ok to be doing this sort of thing all the time is just selfish on their part and they obviously haven't a clue what it's like to be in college/studying/taking care of a baby at the same time.
fair play to you!

Crucifix

Just try and explain to your pals how you feel; personal space, your child, et cetera. If they don't get it, then they don't get it, but good friends should at least try and understand.

Khannie

I think you're spot on. Do you have a partner helping to raise the child with you? Maybe you could blame it on them?

LegacyUser

hey thanks guys for that ..i was seriously upset and pissed off there and doubting myself all at the one time ..not a nice feeling ..i dunno i just feel awful cos i often stayed with them while i was pregnant and stuff but just feel they were using this as much as possible or something !

no partner ..he not interested havent seen him in over a year ..another story which i think ill let lie today .thanks guys /gals

Fraggle

You are certainly not mean. I presume when you say they are using your house as a 'place to crash' they are coming in after a night out, probably intoxicated...maybe even bringing friends back and/or waking you and the baby. I think it is really unfair of your supposed friends to take advantage of you like this. You have a small baby to think of, thats an overwhelming responsibility at a young age. Having random people in and out of the house constantly causes unnecessary stress on you and your baby.

Your 'friends' are being extremely selfish. Rather than give excuses in future, just tell them straight up that you find it hard to look after a guest as well as a baby. They have some cheek.

Talliesin

First off, letting someone crash in your place is a favour, not something to be expected.

Further it's one thing if they are spending some time with you at your place and then spending the night there rather than taxiing home, another if they are explicitly making use of your place as somewhere to stay, so it's a considerably bigger favour.

Further still, how much disruption does it cause to have them stay over? If you don't have plenty of space for them to crash and then either help you with the morning rush of organising yourself and your kid or else get out from under your feet quietly it's a bigger favour to ask again.

As such any offer to let them stay over should be treated with grace and gratitude. It sounds like your friend has a serious attitude problem.

el tel

You are just right and are not being sad at all - you are just being wiser than these clampets. No one should have to put up with anything they don't want. And of course no one should allow anyone else get them down.

Dave!

Nope, you're in the right, they're in the wrong. It's one thing a pregnant woman crashing in someone's house, it's another an able-bodied student doing it. It's like someone pushing a cripple around all day in a wheelchair, then one day saying "hang on, you push me this time."

Special consideration should be made if someone is pregnant.

Having said that, maybe they're not consciously trying to take advantage of you, and just don't realise or appreciate that you're in a different situation to them, and have other things to consider.

mountainyman

Your friends are being jerks.
If you have a baby you need routine peace and quiet. You can't have people turning up pissed, skinning up, sleeping on the sofa and so on.

It is unfortunate because that randomness is a fun part of being young but you can't have it.

What about when your kid is three and wandering around and so on.

MM

0utshined

I've nothing to say that hasn't already been said.

Your "friends" really should have more consideration for your situation.

Chucky the tree

YOu kip in all your firends houses when your up the duff and when they ask you to return the faovur you go crazy?

Maybe if there turning up drunk etc then i think you would be right. But to turn a mate who is having problems with the landlord was very harsh.

LegacyUser

ok i think the phrase up the duff isnt a very nice one ...esp when that refers to me being pregnant wit my fab daughter ...i know it was harsh u have a point i feel bad but i gave him a week 2 sort himself out i think that was fair enough but point taken

0utshined

Yeah you're probably right Chucky.

I mean telling a friend they can only stay for a few days because you've got a kid now and need to put them first is pretty crappy.

Mates first, am i rite?

Airblazer

Chucky the tree wrote:

YOu kip in all your firends houses when your up the duff and when they ask you to return the faovur you go crazy?

Maybe if there turning up drunk etc then i think you would be right. But to turn a mate who is having problems with the landlord was very harsh.

and where exactly did u read this??? Op never mentioned anything about her kipping at mates house...next time read the post properly..

Victor

OP, I don't think you are being mean.

Airblazer wrote:

and where exactly did u read this??? Op never mentioned anything about her kipping at mates house...next time read the post properly..

Put away the pitchforks and torches.

i dunno i just feel awful cos i often stayed with them while i was pregnant

LegacyUser

ya i said in a response that i had stayed a bit with my friends whilst i was pregnant which is why i was feelin bad in the first place about this


..i dunno i cant do any right ... i apologised 2 my friend there this evening and told him he was welcome 2 stay but have feelin its too little too late ...im grateful though for all the comments ..

Airblazer

0000unreg wrote:

ya i said in a response that i had stayed a bit with my friends whilst i was pregnant which is why i was feelin bad in the first place about this


..i dunno i cant do any right ... i apologised 2 my friend there this evening and told him he was welcome 2 stay but have feelin its too little too late ...im grateful though for all the comments ..

oops..never read the 2nd post again..sorry chucky

BeardyGit

Tell your mate to take a run and jump. Your 'friend' should learn to deal with people like a responsible adult - If he's the type of twat who is 'having problems' with his landlord and then attempts to impose himself (whether you like the description or not, it's probably accurate) on you, a mother and student, he's probably not going to contribute much to your environment, is he? I'm taking it he's not paying his rent or something similar. If that's the case, it's not your problem and don't let it become your distraction either. You've important work to be getting on with - Concentrate on being good to yourself and your daughter. If you let pushy people get their way you could get into a habit and experience greater trouble down the road with what I'm sure is your fab little girl.

My friends just got a new puppy on Sunday. I called them to make sure it was okay for me to pop in for a coffee as I didn't want to impose while he's settling in and getting his new routine sorted. I consider that to be a fair display of consideration from one friend to another.....I'd give your mate a slap to be honest if he's being pushy.

AngryBadger

Gotta say i agree with everyone else here. Particularly the comments about being a responsible parent. Fair dews on all fronts.

The difficulty is your' mates are in colelge, and doing the college thing,they have no concept of the extra responsibility that's on you. Some of them will get thick about something like this, these ones are douches, others will understand, these ones are keepers.

Chin up mulady

Chucky the tree

Gil_Dub wrote:

Tell your mate to take a run and jump. Your 'friend' should learn to deal with people like a responsible adult - If he's the type of twat who is 'having problems' with his landlord and then attempts to impose himself (whether you like the description or not, it's probably accurate) on you, a mother and student, he's probably not going to contribute much to your environment, is he? I'm taking it he's not paying his rent or something similar. If that's the case, it's not your problem and don't let it become your distraction either. You've important work to be getting on with - Concentrate on being good to yourself and your daughter. If you let pushy people get their way you could get into a habit and experience greater trouble down the road with what I'm sure is your fab little girl..

Christ, what a laod of bull****. Do you what the problems with his landlord are? Do you type the sort of person he is? No i dont think so. So stop presumimg the mate is a "twat" and some spongue who will wreck her gaff.

0000unreg wrote:

ok i think the phrase up the duff isnt a very nice one ...esp when that refers to me being pregnant wit my fab daughter ...i know it was harsh u have a point i feel bad but i gave him a week 2 sort himself out i think that was fair enough but point taken

No offence meant about the up the duff comment, just a phrase i use.


I think its the way you told him thats probaly pissed him off. The impression you give is that as soon as he rang you said straight away that he could only stay till the weekend. If you hadnt been so cold to him and let him turn up and then tell him he could only stay till the weekend he wouldnt of minded.

i'm sure if you explain the reasons why he wont be pissed off at you for very long.

Best of luck.

BeardyGit

Chucky the tree wrote:

Christ, what a laod of bull****. Do you what the problems with his landlord are? Do you type the sort of person he is? No i dont think so. So stop presumimg the mate is a "twat" and some spongue who will wreck her gaff.

Intelligent comments there Chucky. I was completely wrong. I'll go sit in the corner.

You know what? The point I was making is relevant - Regardless of the type of problems he's having with his landlord. He could be a successful and wealthy young stockbroker having trouble with his girlfriend while living in her appartment. All just guessing of course (and I'll bet I'm closer to the money with my first set of assumptions). Doesn't really matter of course - I'd suggest whatever you think about my assumption doesn't matter either as unless you know the third party you're not in a position to provide a valid defence or correction. Speculation is not an exact science - Try reading between the lines though and you'll find that with experience you'll be reasonably safe in relying on your own gut feelings/instinct etc. That's advice both the OP and perhaps you could benefit from....

He's imposing when there are more important things going on in this young womans life. If he was being considerate he wouldn't have a problem with an offer of somewhere to stay until he sorted himself out at the weekend. Simple as, mate.

Gil

Chucky the tree

Gil_Dub wrote:

Intelligent comments there Chucky. I was completely wrong. I'll go sit in the corner.

You know what? The point I was making is relevant - Regardless of the type of problems he's having with his landlord. He could be a successful and wealthy young stockbroker having trouble with his girlfriend while living in her appartment. All just guessing of course (and I'll bet I'm closer to the money with my first set of assumptions). Doesn't really matter of course - I'd suggest whatever you think about my assumption doesn't matter either as unless you know the third party you're not in a position to provide a valid defence or correction. Speculation is not an exact science - Try reading between the lines though and you'll find that with experience you'll be reasonably safe in relying on your own gut feelings/instinct etc. That's advice both the OP and perhaps you could benefit from....

He's imposing when there are more important things going on in this young womans life. If he was being considerate he wouldn't have a problem with an offer of somewhere to stay until he sorted himself out at the weekend. Simple as, mate.

Gil

Oh so how extactly did your gut feelings tell you the friend was a "twat"? If he was such a twat, would the OP have agreed for him stay a few days in the first place? i dont need to know the person to provide a defense. YOu had no right to to slag the fella off for no reason. YOu only did it to try and justify her reaction.

Well he clearly was considerate when he didnt impose himself on her when she made it clear she didnt want him there.

BeardyGit

I've said what I have to say and hopefully it's considered worthwile contribution by the OP and perhaps others here too. If you'd like to focus on my use of the word "twat" Chucky, take it to PM and let's leave everyone else here to continue with whatever valid input they care to make.

Gil

Ickle Magoo

OP,

A child comes first & foremost in all decisions a responsible parent makes - if your friends don't understand that, then they are clearly neither mature nor responsible enough to be parents and haven't the common sense to put themselves in your shoes......

It's irrelevant if you stayed with people while pregnant - that is a whole different kettle of fish than the sleepless nights, routines and damn hard work that is unavoidable in parenthood - especially as you are doing it all yourself.....

Surely your friend is not reliant on you alone for accomodation while sorting things out with his landlord? Where are all his childless friends and why can't he stay with one of them? If given a choice between disrupting an already hectic schedule by requesting to impose yourself on a single mother or staying with another childless student who has roughly the same lifestyle - which would a true friend choose?! Also, you said he could stay a week and then he went bítching that it wasn't an open-ended invite?! :eek::mad: I'd be thinking of finding myself a new "friend"! All the best

WhiteWashMan

0000unreg wrote:

hey this might seem trivial but i am really upset today over what has been a build up of small events over the past few months..basically i took a year outta college last year as I had a baby . ...since then i have come back to complete the course my daughter have our own accomodation

my problem is i feel i have been used to the last as a place to crash . i was geting a bit sick of it so started making excuses each time i was being asked hoping that it wud get the message across but it hasnt one of my friends in particular has just asked recently to stay a while as he is having some trouble wit the landlord so i had no prob really with this but i said he cud just stay until that weekend ..which he got all insulted about and ended up not coming down at all..to b honest i didnt really care until today i heard this back and my friend sayin it made out like i was a real stingy cow . i feel bad because its prob true but feel people are not taking my child into consideration at all i really dont think its appropraite environment to have a baby in ..or am i just being selfish and sad ..kinow this might seem pretty trivial but its starting to bug me and feel like im loosing friends over it..am i being sad ?

no, you simply have different priorities than your usual run of the mill care free students.
you are a mother and student, not a baby sitting service for people who cant sort out their life.

turbot

0000unreg wrote:

hey this might seem trivial but i am really upset today over what has been a build up of small events over the past few months..basically i took a year outta college last year as I had a baby . ...since then i have come back to complete the course my daughter have our own accomodation

my problem is i feel i have been used to the last as a place to crash . i was geting a bit sick of it so started making excuses each time i was being asked hoping that it wud get the message across but it hasnt one of my friends in particular has just asked recently to stay a while as he is having some trouble wit the landlord so i had no prob really with this but i said he cud just stay until that weekend ..which he got all insulted about and ended up not coming down at all..to b honest i didnt really care until today i heard this back and my friend sayin it made out like i was a real stingy cow . i feel bad because its prob true but feel people are not taking my child into consideration at all i really dont think its appropraite environment to have a baby in ..or am i just being selfish and sad ..kinow this might seem pretty trivial but its starting to bug me and feel like im loosing friends over it..am i being sad ?

Sounds like your "friends" are using you and guilt tripping you when they can't get their way.

Strange thing in life is that if you tolerate being treated badly, often people will adjust to your accepted standards, and treat you badly. In every interaction, you continuously give feedback about whats acceptable, and if you refuse to let people dump on you, then often those people go and find someone else to do it to, though your life gets better because they are less in it.

For example:

A friend of mine, who I don't know really well, but would party with and always say hello to if I saw him, called me up one evening and said "I need to ask you a favour... I'm stuck in town, I live miles away and the place I'm supposed to be staying in fell through...is there any chance I can stay in your living room".

So I said "Ok".

Then he called 20 minutes later and said "is it ok if my girlfriend stays also... we are both stuck" so I said, well, if you must.

Then upon his arrival, I quizzed him about what happened, and he told me that he just didn't want to spend 20 euros on a taxi home. Had he been really stuck, I wouldn't have minded. Because he saw my place a bit like a B&B, and I have much more pride in my apartment than that, I must admit I took offence. While I let him stay, and I was courteous to him and his girlfriend, the next time he asked me, I responded with my prepared answer "NO".

Don't let people manipulate you, unless they have your best interests at heart at least as much as you have your best interests at heart.